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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

153 replies

user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 02:36

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 06:16

Thanks everyone. I am devastated, so sad. I do feel we could have tried, and things could have been better than ever with honesty top of the table. But he had his mind made up. He loves me very much, as I do him, such a waste. Too much pain in the world already for idiots like me to hurt their closest xx

OP posts:
BestBeforeYesterday · 16/03/2019 06:21

I think some of these replies are appalling!
She has lied to him. She has manipulated him. She has deceived him. She has shown a lack of respect for him.
Totally agree with this.
I think this will be a very important lesson for you OP.

Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 06:30

Yes it is, I am so sorry I have done this

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 16/03/2019 06:36

Can you come on your own op? Can you communicate your wants and needs to your partner?

StarlightLady · 16/03/2019 06:36

OP, can you bring yourself to orgasm? Do you climax from oral?

If the answr to these are yes, this is the direction I suggest you go in the future. Be it with boyfriend returned and has apologised for his walk out reaction, which was wrong, or with someone new.

Tell a partner as it is, let them hold you while you do other things. Oral could also be the key.

MutantDisco · 16/03/2019 06:38

He's not very good in bed if you had to fake an orgasm though. He sounds annoying!

Halo84 · 16/03/2019 06:40

Sit down with him and tell him why you faked. Don’t ever fake again. I never have. Sometimes I don’t orgasm, and if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world.

MutantDisco · 16/03/2019 06:41

Also agree with PP ^ you need to know your own body, be able to climax on your own. I can't climax from PIV, I need manual clitoral stimulation. Any man who doesn't get this needs educating (either by you or someone else!)

AuntieStella · 16/03/2019 06:43

I don't agree with the posters that say it is bruised ego.

I agree with those who say that lies to your partner about sex are lies about something important and that when trust has gone it is hard or even impossible to rebuild.

He may well not want to try again - he may feel you never trusted him on an intimate level, and then lied to him (by faking)

And I'm sorry to be posting that, because you sound so very flat, OP.

But when someone ceases to trust you, it may well be for the best for them to end it. And it might be for the best in the long run, for both of you.

VikingVolva · 16/03/2019 06:45

"Any man who doesn't get this needs educating (either by you or someone else!)"

Agree, but if he thinks someone is climaxing, why wouid he not keep doing what he has been led to believe is right for that woman?

Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 06:46

This is all great advice, I really appreciate it. I can come on my own, I can come with me on top. Not so easily with oral, I always think it ends up taking too much time, I am too polite!! and end up doing PIV which feels good too. So good he usually comes soon, he gets turned on a lot giving oral which is good too! I (used to) love giving him oral too, usually til he would come.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/03/2019 07:01

Too much pain in the world already for idiots like me to hurt their closest xx

Actually, it looks as if he hasn't valued or appreciated all the good things in your relationship and has hurt you dreadfully, all because he thinks you owe him proof that he is great in bed. Or as great in bed as he thinks he is.

He has a lot to learn about women's bodies and sexual relationships.

He calls what you did lying - a hurtful accusation that could only come from a man who is self absorbed and lacking in insight into the experience of his partner both with him and with previous partners - and actually all of the life experience and female conditioning that goes into holding back instead of starting a difficult conversation that might result in hurting his feelings.

The instinct that led you to fake it and not talk about your experience of sex turned out to be spot on. He couldn't handle it.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 07:03

The things you listed are done out of malice and that wasn't the intent. Stop being so over the top, it's ridiculous.

Everyone who lies has a reason/excuse for doing so.

I wouldn't tolerate being lied to for any reason because I'd never trust them again. When someone lies, even to protect your feelings or out of insecurity, it casts doubt on everything.

She wasn't honest with him. It's clearly an issue for him and it would be for a lot of people. People make themselves vulnerable when they have sex with someone else and they expect to not be lied to during it.

KataraJean · 16/03/2019 07:09

If he loves you very much, and you have apologised and explained, then something does not compute with his love.

Many, many women pretend to orgasm in bed because we are socialised to be nice and not hurt a guy’s feelings or we just want the experience to end. How would he have reacted if you had used words at the time to say this is not working for me, please stop or please can you try this? Or how would you feel if you had said this is not working for me, and he had carried on anyway? There are so many permutations of how this could have played out, which I presume you did not wish to confront because you wanted everything to be fine with him. I feel bad for you because women are expected to be equal partners in bed working out pleasurable sex and enjoying it, and yet, all the rest of female socialisation and society puts women in a non-equal position in terms of the moral judgements which are made or the way women are objectified and the basic expectation to be nice.

Quite frankly, you have apologised. But there is also a point where one might say that without proper communication, you were not ready to have had sex. It is that simple.

Because really that is the upshot here. You have tried to cope with a situation you were not ready for and maybe did not choose the best coping mechanism and now he is condemning you for it, when an option would be to communicate and try to find a slower and gentler way forward.

He presumably must also feel that he was having sex with you thinking all was well, and he might not have continued had he known. Has he said that? Or just that you are a liar?

Happygolucky009 · 16/03/2019 07:10

@mathanxiety are you actually blaming him for leaving a relationship of 2 yrs was based upon deception and lies?

To the op, you have hurt your partner deeply with lies and any trust and respect will have been lost. You need to move on and have more respect for future relationships

mathanxiety · 16/03/2019 07:17

I am saying that 'lies' is a preposterous term for what happened here.

Women are conditioned in their upbringing in ways that men are not. Perhaps this man has either never known this or realised the implications of it.

Hope he will grow up soon and not continue to believe that women owe him something that he does not encourage. If he goes into his next relationship talking bitterly about the previous partner who 'lied' and how she lied, he will find himself single again in no time.

Messyisthenewtidy · 16/03/2019 07:20

She has lied to him. She has manipulated him. She has deceived him. She has shown a lack of respect for him.

No she hasn’t. She has simply done what so many women have been socialised to do in order to protect the male ego.

Yes I can understand why he’s hurt but to say she’s some kind of malevolent manipulatrice is beyond ridiculous.

OP if he is a decent bloke he’ll come round and try to find out ways to please you.

Dieu · 16/03/2019 07:20

The OP has been beating herself up enough - in fact, that's the thing that jumps out the most from her posts - so some of the sanctimonious replies on here are completely unnecessary!

Agree with the others, OP. His ego has been bruised and he needs time. This in a strange way could be a positive thing for your relationship, as it will force the two of you to be open about sex, and you can be honest about what you like. Better than faking orgasms forevermore (which women have been doing since time began)!
I hope it's salvageable Thanks

purpleelk · 16/03/2019 07:22

“He has a lot to learn about women's bodies and sexual relationships”

No he doesn’t, as he can obviously spot her faking it (unlike other men mentioned by other posters). He also wasn’t upset because she didn’t climax, but because she lied and put on a show.

The OP has a lot to learn about her body and about sexual relationships.

He seems to have healthy boundaries in place and if this was a dealbreaker for him, then it was. That doesn’t mean you get to character assassinate him because he’s the man.

Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 07:23

Thanks again everyone for your well thought out, very helpful replies, it’s great to have this arena to reach out to, I can’t tell you how much it means xx you are all great for spending the time to reply

OP posts:
headinhands · 16/03/2019 07:25

His reaction to suspecting you're lying to protect his feelings is just fucked up. If you suspected him of pretending to like something you cooked would it ever, in any universe, occur to you to walk out? He's either grossly immature or plain screwed up.

mathanxiety · 16/03/2019 07:31

I am not 'character assassinating him because he is a man'.
Hmm

Though he may well be able to discern faking he knows nothing about women's bodies and he knows nothing about his partner, and he is not interested in hearing about her experience of sex either. This bodes very poorly for his future relationships.

The ability to spot faking does not mean he knows a single thing about women or women's bodies. (And even so, it took him two years).

He doesn't have healthy boundaries. He is insecure and his self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual performance to a most unhealthy degree.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/03/2019 07:31

I think that if he really loved you he'd be more interested in finding out why this has happened than just blaming you for it.
If he doesn't love you enough to listen then you are better off without him in the long run. Okay, honesty is better, we all know that but you were trying to make him happy. It's not like you ran over his dog or slept with his best friend. What you have done is not unforgivable. I think you are entitled to feel some anger at him too tbh.

sackrifice · 16/03/2019 07:38

No he doesn’t, as he can obviously spot her faking it (unlike other men mentioned by other posters). He also wasn’t upset because she didn’t climax, but because she lied and put on a show

Two years he has been so into his own orgasm he didn't bother noticing that the OP wasn't. He is the one that should apologise, not the OP.

VixenSixen · 16/03/2019 07:39

Hi there, I just wanted to say that I can see this from both sides but it doesn't mean it isn't salvageable...... I completely understand how he felt and it might take him a bit of time to come round and then you can perhaps move forwards and start communicating with each other properly....... Communicating about what you want, what you like and what you don't like are all key to a positive healthy relationship.

Sex is just one of many parts of a relationship, it would be a real shame for him to throw away 2 years together...... If everything else was good and working well.

I wonder also of its worth doing a bit of work on yourself in working out what it is that works for you and things that you like, this is definitely trial and error but eventually the more in touch with your body you are the more likely you are to find out what things work for you and you can share this with a partner.

Ultimately though..... Being able to communicate with each other is key. Without that you're never going to be on the same page. He's probably trying his best and picking up on it and you're too anxious to say something to him about it for whatever reason..... But being open, honest and communicating about the things that you like and enjoy will bring you closer together in the long run.

I hope you can manage to work through it and find a resolve, I can see how desperately sorry you are - don't be so hard on yourself either.... We've all done something we regret and none of us are perfect. (Jeez, I look back as some of the things I have done in my life and it makes me think oh my god!!)

It's all about what you do now moving forward, you can't change what's happened but you can have control moving forward. Xx good luck xx