Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

[user1471511063]

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

Thank you too Vixen Sixen, great post, you’re spot on xx

I really don't understand all the posts giving the OP hell for lying. In my experience, she can't win in this situation. She doesn't get particularly orgasmic with this guy, and she was ok with that. He wouldn't have been ok with that, so she acted in a way that she thought would make him happy. He's understandably upset that the situation isn't how he thought it was, but surely a logical person would say "I wish you hadn't acted, but as long as you're ok with the way things are then that is good enough for me" rather than "OMG you terrible liar, we're through"? It's horrible when people get angry at you for not being happy enough. How are you meant to counter it?

I have had variants of this throughout life.
Other person: I do this for you. Be happy.
Me:
Other person: You're not happy enough. Be more happy.
Me: Damn, you see through my artifice. Honestly, it's not my thing/doesn't suit me.
Other person: YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT BEING AS HAPPY AS I WANT YOU TO BE
Me:

Sorry OP. In idealistic terms I'd say find someone who doesn't demand your happiness; in RL I'd say pretend forever....

I wonder if the penny has dropped with him about his previous relationships yet?

I do feel (a bit) sorry for him, but to twist a phrase. It’s him, not you.

He seems to have healthy boundaries in place and if this was a dealbreaker for him, then it was. That doesn’t mean you get to character assassinate him because he’s the man.

Yes. I'm no male apologist but women can't claim the moral high ground purely because they're women.

He doesn't have healthy boundaries. He is insecure and his self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual performance to a most unhealthy degree.

Or he doesn't like being lied to.

I think if I'd been lied to about my 'sexual performance' for 2 years, I'd have a problem with it too.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are faking it. Hardly any women orgasm through penetration alone, most need clitoral stimulation. Do you think you can sit down and talk to him honestly about what you’d need and what he could be doing to erm, finish the job?

We have a deep love. Sex is great, and I really enjoy it. But there is a lot more to our relationship than that which was working

Have you actually said this to him?

I guarantee every woman one has faked it at some point. I know I have when I’m tired. Doesn’t mean I’ve emjoyed it any less.

Op ignore the posts giving you shit.

Your boyfriends pride has been dented. If he can’t get past his own masculinity then let him go.

She doesn't get particularly orgasmic with this guy, and she was ok with that. He wouldn't have been ok with that, so she acted in a way that she thought would make him happy

How do you know that he wouldn't have been ok with that?

In my experience, men do want to know what works/doesn't work for their partner. What is the point in continuing to have a sexually unsatisfying relationship with someone? And how awful to be led to believe what you were doing was enjoyable for someone else only to find out that it wasn't? Of course he wasn't going to change or 'improve' - thought she liked it!

The OP feels like an idiot - I'd imagine he probably does too. Only she knew she was doing it and he didn't.

I think if I'd been lied to about my 'sexual performance' for 2 years, I'd have a problem with it too.

But she's not lied about his performance. She's pretended to orgasm. If he chooses to see it all about him/his performance it suggests immaturity.

Yes I said all of that to him. He says if the sex doesn’t work, nothing works.
I apologised. We both cried a lot.
I think he does have healthy boundaries. He has had quite a few long term relationships. He indicated that something like this had happened in his last 5 year relationship, which they tried to get past, and it was getting better but they ended up splitting up. That’s why he doesn’t want to try again with me.

I guarantee every woman one has faked it at some point. I know I have when I’m tired. Doesn’t mean I’ve emjoyed it any less.

But faking it at some points; when you're tired, or distracted, or you 'lose it' or you're just not feeling it as much as you usually do is very different to faking the whole time. Surely you can see that?

“Two years he has been so into his own orgasm he didn't bother noticing that the OP wasn't. He is the one that should apologise, not the OP.”

You have literally made that up. None of us know that. But to conclude that a partner should apologise to a partner that lied to during a very intimate act is just vile.

to conclude that a partner should apologise to a partner that lied to during a very intimate act is just vile

Quite.

But she's not lied about his performance. She's pretended to orgasm

So why did she pretend if not to deceive him about his sexual performance?

She wanted him to think that what he was doing was working for her when it wasn't.

If he chooses to see it all about him/his performance it suggests immaturity.

And, as she wasn't prepared to talk to him about it, he has been left to draw his own conclusions.

I think anyone would take it personally. There are plenty of women on here who take it personally when they have a partner with ED. Sometimes it's down to 'death grip' over porn use, but it's also down to age, medical conditions etc. things that are nothing to do with the woman, and yet women still take it personally.

Or are they immature for making it all about themselves too?

User I’d let him go. He doesn’t want to try and solve the problem.

If this was Dh and I, I know he would feel deflated but I 100% know he would either suggest exploring what works or come round to the idea that I dont have to climax each time.

He is probably using this as an excuse to end the relationship.

Please do not beat yourself up over this. If he wanted to be with you he would

He is obviously very insecure. Not either of yours fault. Probably been treated harsh by an ex along the way. To me sex is not the most important thing as you get older. I've done the whole wild sex thing with partners but now I just crave someone who can share interests with and have a good bond with and who is mature and caring. If I have intimate sex with that person with or without an orgasm everytime then I'd take that.

If you really like this guy I would go back to square one and go back to sort of dating of such, nice days out no pressure to have sex and just try and rebuild that bond. Communication is key in a relationship.

I’ve tried to point out I have not faked all the tone. He doesn’t believe me, which I understand. But I’m telling the truth, I do come sometimes, no point lying here, where I’m asking for help. Last week when he said I was faking we had both had some drinks. I was a little fuzzy, was feeling really good and I thought he was going to come (which he did) I pretended to too. Alcohol had some role in this too, which I also mentioned (but felt bad doing so, I’m owning up completely, don’t want to use that as an excuse)

So why did she pretend if not to deceive him about his sexual performance

Because some men are so basic that telling them they are not able to make some one climax crushes them - eg.. op boyfriends..

He should apologise? I’ve heard it all now.
Men are not responsible for a womens orgasm, It takes two to tango and if you can’t tell your partner what floats your boat (or doesn’t ) then there is a problem in your relationship no matter how loving and special you say it is.

user I could have written your last post. I’ve done that many of time.

Stop beating yourself up about it.

holly1501
Thank you. Maybe down the track we can do that, date again, rebuild. I really do love him so very much.

Motherofcreek
Hi, do you mean regarding the alcohol or faking because they’re about to come?

Both. If I have alcohol I rarely orgasm. If I’ve enjoyed it and ready to stop it’s just a good point to stop together.

Hi OP, i hope you can sort things out with him, but if it is a dealbreaker i don't think there is much you can do.
I'll get shit for this but, I've always faked it. Not just with current partner, but everyone. I have tried to hard to orgasm in the past...hell, one determined guy even went down on me for THREE hours and i was honest with him and pervious partners about not orgasming. I can orgasm by clitoral stimulation only, nothing else. And I've tried showing guys how i like it but I've never gotten there. Only if i do it.
Now part of that is probably because I'm insecure in my body and because when other guys have tried they can be there for 40min or more and although i was very turned on...nothing!!
Anyway, i do fake it with my fiancé. He has made me cum with a toy, or i have played with myself during sex and cum that way , but sometimes i just want sex not to take forever and so i make some noises and he will cum quicker. Sometimes i will fake it sometimes i won't, but the point for me is that i don't always care about cumming. Sometimes i want to be intimate and see him orgasm and that makes me happy enough.

He has tried for ages in the past to get me to cum and it doesn't work, it's just the way i am. Is it bad that i fake it sometimes??? Yes. But if i am happy and he gets what he wants, isn't that a win / win?

I know from the past where guys have tried everything that we both just end up feeling defeated, so i don't put myself through it anymore.