Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

[user1471511063]

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

What did you expect him to do?

Do what couples do all the time. Have a chat. Think about how you can work round it and build intimacy. I'm guessing your dp was looking for a reason to end it. It's really really shit that he has left you chewed up thinking it was about one minor issue. Just smacks of ego and immaturity however you look at it.

HeadinHands absolutely. It's also really sad that the op has taken all the blame here, she writes "it's all my fault", when it's so blatantly not.
She has, on occasion faked her orgasm, nearly everyone tells social white lies from time to time, from the answer to " does my bum look big in this?" to "is this homemade cake a bit dry?. I see the occasional faking of orgasms in the same mould. Sometimes it's easier to fake it and move on, rather than have a big discussion about how this time you're just not feeling it for whatever reason.

Motherofcreek - I didn't say "all orgasms".

Gin - it’s more than the occasional orgasm she’s faked!

As a man, faking would be a deal breaker for me. Though I would not respond with next to no contact as the OPs bf has done.

this relationship is over and I understand both sides and I won't like being lied to either
however I do see a couple of red flags with the guy

1. he always ends the relationship after 2-5 years max when someone is always the one to end things it seems like he says every woman I've been with isn't good enough

2.I think he can't get past the first phase to second phase of a relationship

1. sex is more important than anything, so if you get ill / disabled or something I'm walking as sex is more important that your health, sex is important but it is not a sole indicator and many relationships are great when sex is not No. 1

Agree^^

KennyCalmit
So not only have you lied to him and made him feel like shite, you lack communication skills which is a basic need for a healthy relationship

Wow.

So gratuitously condemning.

ForalltheSaints
As a man, faking would be a deal breaker for me.
Billions of women fake it. Is this news to you? Is this a flaw in their character or is it because they have been brought up to put the feelings of a man above their own sexual needs?

And actually, women are brought up to put everyone's feelings above their needs, we are brought up to be deferential, to be polite, never to look grabby, never to risk rejection. It is well documented that women don't negotiate the pay they may deserve, or the pay raises or the promotions. Women are socialised not to ask for what they want. If you don't understand this, Forall, and any other men out there, then you need to wake up and start listening to what is going on all around you every day.

Please remember, Kenny and Forall - we live in the #MeToo era here, the movement that took everyone by surprise because it involved women speaking out about issues that made them spit nails for their entire lives.

And also please remember that even now there is a backlash to that movement, a very strong one - women need to know their place, put up and shut up apparently, and let's not forget that 'Not All Men' rape, etc. NAMALT tells us that we women need to be careful about the feelings of men when we talk about rape.

Not to mention that there has always been a large body of opinion (male and unfortunately lots of handmaidens) that seeks to portray feminists as women who can't get a man.

So please forgive girls growing up in the midst of all that, and women who may have had a partner or two, who decide that men's feelings need massaging more than they need to sit down and have that conversation - the conversation that might have the same effect as the discovery the OP's fickle boyfriend made anyway.

I didn’t do that early in the piece as I should have when we could’ve worked on it.
Such a waste of so much love. All my fault.

He was willing to throw all that love away.

It is not your fault that you were with a shallow egotist.

I'm struggling to grasp why you ever faked. But that's only because I never have.
Maybe you need to look at yourself and your communication skills and you views on lying, rather than him and this particular relationship.

To all those who can't understand why a woman would fake it - and might be reluctant to have a conversation, why that conversation might be difficult...

Here is a quote from RunSweatLaughAndLattte that perfectly illustrates why women do it:
If you admit that you can't really come from penetration alone and that it's not him, at least you've not lied to him and he won't feel like he's bad in bed.

Note 'admit you can't...' and 'he won't feel like he's bad in bed'.

Even when having that conversation that so many think should have been had here, the woman has to massage the feelings of the man and fess up to some sexual failing of her own rather than insinuating that the man is bad in bed. The feelings of the man about his 'performance' must not be dented. The woman can't be true to herself even when on the surface she is advocating for herself and for equality in the relationship, and being 'open' and 'honest'.

Thank you RunSweatLaughAndLattte for stating the elements most normally socialised women would take into account before sitting their partners down to talk about their experience of sex with them. It's not as cut and dried/black and white as so many men (and sadly unempathetic women) here like to think it is.

This thread is full of humbug, and appalling smugness.

By not talking to him about it, she was necessarily leading a life of sexual dissatisfaction because she refused/failed to do the one thing that could have sorted it out

A few times is not leading a life of sexual dissatisfaction ffs! It wasn’t every single time! It’s s complete over reaction

He wanted out. This was his excuse

I totally agree with math last post!

Couldn't the two of you talk about what really does it for you? Or experiment and find out? Seems a shame to throw it away over this.

I told my dp quite soon that I don't & won't fake it but also I for me it's the connection and the fun we have together that I enjoy. We have great regular sex. About a few weeks in I finally orgasms ( which I find hard letting go and being in that moment) out of the blue and he was walking round on cloud nine, he actually thanked me for not faking because when I did actually orgasm he could tell it was real. It doesn't happen all the time but then he understand that I can't or don't want too all the time, sometimes we use toys. It's about being open and talking about your likes and turn on.
Too many women lie and wonder why their blokes don't make more effort, but also men expect that if you don't then something is wrong because they have had to many fakers.
Ask him what he actually issue is? Is it because you like, well we all pretend a little at the start, acting cooler than we are or the fact your the first to fake it? Because I bet that isn't true at all.

@mathanxiety you've misinterpreted that I'm describing it as a failing. I'm not. I can't orgasm from penetrative sex but wouldn't say I've failed, it's just a design floor of the vagina tbh (I mean why have the most sensitive part of our body outside of the vagina ffs, how inconvenient!). But I don't think men generally understand unless told that it's not easy for most women to orgasm from penetration alone because men, generally, will always come from penetration and don't usually need any other stimulation to reach climax. Therefore it is important to be honest if this is the case (and I'm not saying it is for all women) so that mutual pleasure can be enjoyed. If a man is not told, they may assume (rightly or wrongly) that they are crap in bed. I mean, wouldn't you find your self-esteem affected if a guy had to pretend he was enjoying sex with you?

*I'm guessing your dp was looking for a reason to end it. It's really really shit that he has left you chewed up thinking it was about one minor issue. Just smacks of ego and immaturity however you look at it."

I agree. The shit that people out up with and try to work through with partners they're in love with is crazy - it's not great but it's far from the worst, it's solveable or it is likely to be if you were both willing to talk about it and try, the fact that he's not naked me suspicious.

• put up with

• the fact that he's not, makes me suspicious

Autocorrect snuck in naked there , must've been Freudian

mathanxiety - Your post makes a slew of assumptions about how the OP's boyfriend might be feeling, might react, might say to her were she to tell him she hadn't orgasmed.

Thing is, we'll never know how he feels, or whether he does/does not need his ego stroked, or whether he would have responded well/poorly - because he didn't know.

Some men are egotistical shits. Some men are not. In these circumstances, there is no proof either way. In which case, the responsibility for the OPs orgasm, or lack thereof, or faking thereof, lies with her.

AFistful or you could argue, that as there is no evidence in the OP how the boyfriend may have reacted, perhaps the OP recognised at a subconscious level, the bf would not react favourably to any implied lack on his part, which is why she made the decision to fake it rather than risk his displeasure. As MathsAnxiety mentions, we are conditioned good and properly not to upset the male ego.

Nothing a hair shirt, bed of nails and some self flagellation won't cure. 😏

You may not have meant to describe it as a failing, but one usually admits doing something wrong. Then you add in ‘really’ ( you really cannot come from penetration alone) which suggests one ought to be able to. Then the focus is on the guy not feeling like he is bad in bed (making a woman orgasm being about his performance and feelings) - rather than something like ‘then you both can work out what does work’ (which would be about mutual enjoyment.

Obviously the point is, I think, that what you say can be read differently than how you meant it, and to show the way women are socialised to put men’s feelings and needs first. It is quite possible to argue that the cliteris being outside the vagina and wrapping around it is extremely intelligent design. Anyone who has suffered birth trauma or birthed a baby with a large head will attest to that. It is where it should be for women, and if you go back a few centuries, when PIV was not the expectation, but couples had lots of other foreplay and intimate behaviours instead, women’s enjoyment was just as assured.

It is not a personal dig at you, but a broader comment on societal expectations of women (and indeed men). It makes me sad to think about the sexual experiences younger me had because I didn’t want a guy to feel he was bad in bed.

Sorry that was in response to RunSweat

I just love how people are making up negative traits for the boyfriend to justify OPs long-term deceptive behaviour.

perhaps the OP recognised at a subconscious level, the bf would not react favourably to any implied lack on his part, which is why she made the decision to fake it rather than risk his displeasure.

I mean come on! If she had been honest with him at the start and he was still an arsehole then maybe that would have a valid point, but you can't ignore that the OP was admitting years of deceptive behaviour. The length of time has to be considered a factor in judging his reaction.