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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

176 replies

Toomanytears · 14/03/2019 23:41

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 14/03/2019 23:47

It is a shock to find out the person you thought you knew so well has a secret .
However, that he now feels able to tell you about it shows he wants you to know and trusts you.
I guess you have to figure out if you see it just a sexual fantasy that he wants to include you in ( if you wish ) or if you see it as something deeper and that you cannot include yourself in .
There is no right answer from anyone else - only you can decide what you want to accept in your relationship .
I expect the feeling that he has lied ( omitted ) to tell you about this for so long is the biggest problem right now though .

Singlenotsingle · 14/03/2019 23:50

Depends on how far he wants to take it really, and what he means by "exploring it further" with you. Clothes are very much an invention of society. We wear what would be classed as men's clothes - jeans or trousers, heavy walking boots, tee-shirts and fleeces or jackets. Rarely, if ever, do I wear a dress or skirt. That a practical thing though, not sexual. Some men keep their cross dressing confined to the house, some want to go out (and get stared at).

There was a TV program a few weeks ago about men wanting to trans which was quite enlightening, but quite upsetting for one of the wives. Try not to let it all upset you 😔 too much Flowers

Oldstyle · 14/03/2019 23:52

Must be one hell of a shock OP. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Might be helpful to pop over to the Trans Widows escape committee thread. There's a wealth of experience and understanding there from women with partners who cross-dress as a fetish and/or choose to 'transition' either socially or surgically. Flowers

Scott72 · 14/03/2019 23:54

Compared with transsexualism, which is in the news a lot lately, this seems like a very minor fetish to me. I know that's not much consolation, but just try and be understanding for now.

Bouledeneige · 14/03/2019 23:58

Oh gosh poor you OP. I feel for you.

I'm not sure the broader status of your relationship but I think its very understandable to say that what sexually or otherwise fulfils your partner does not you. you are not required to comply and accept as this is a very different scenario. However liberal you are generally. I have to say if I were in your shoes I'd probably not be able to handle it - its just not what would work for me, sexually or in any other way. And its absolutely okay for you to feel or say that. His choices may not be yours.

I feel for you. Your shock is palpable and understandable.

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 00:16

Thank you for your replies. A few days ago I would have said that 'it's just clothes' too but I know I won't want to have sex with him wearing a skirt just as much as much as I wouldn't have sex with him if he'd been wearing the same clothes for a month. Clothes do mean something. I think the fact that he wears them for a sexual thrill, rather than just for comfort, is actually worse. I worry now how he views women.

I always thought we had a great marriage. We've had some really shit things happen over the last few years that have caused a lot of stress but we've supported each other and been ok. I've lost a lot of sexual confidence since we had the DC. I've put on weight and generally don't feel fantastic. He still wants sex with me though, and doesn't make me feel bad. Sometimes we'd watch something on TV and there'd be a half naked woman and I'd feel sad that he was looking (tbf he was just watching the same program I was, it's not like he was seeking out porn) and cross with myself that I wasn't changing myself. Today we walked passed Victoria's Secret and for the first time I knew he wasn't wishing I looked more like that model, he was wondering how he would look in that outfit. This isn't just about him dressing up privately, it's seeping into everything.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/03/2019 00:20
Confused
Fallingirl · 15/03/2019 00:26

Toomany try looking at this thread. It may not all apply to your situation, but the women there will know how you feel.
[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back]

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 00:28

single I'm not too sure what point you're trying to make. I'm agreeing that clothes should be just clothes but as my dh has attached a sexual element to them I can't ignore that. I can't share it either. I can't pretend it's not happening, even if he said he'd never do it again (how would I know, I didn't know he was doing it anyway!) there will always be things that make me wonder if he's thinking about it. I don't want this in my life. To remove it means to separate from him. He's a good father but I can't see how our relationship can work again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 00:29

Thank you, I shall look at thread now.

OP posts:
unexpectedgifts · 15/03/2019 00:34

He's shared his most intimate private and probably guilty secret with you. He must love and trust you very very much.

I know that won't make this easier but if it is who he really is, he's sharing this with your rather that exploring it through other means.

The shock, him keeping this hidden from you for so long is hard. Give yourself time, you need to adjust to this. Tell him you need time to process everything and thank him for trusting you enough to share this part of him.

I know of a couple torn by this, but he didn't feel able to share and just left. So the fact your husband is sharing and trying to involve you, although it's difficult, is a positive.

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 00:39

I hadn't really thought about it that way. But I don't want to be involved. I don't want this to be happening. I need him to tell me he was winding me up and it's not true but it is. I had no idea that something that I always perceived as relatively minor would be do destructive.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 15/03/2019 00:40

As a kinky person I am someone who is quite ‘try anything once’

I find it quite hard to believe that you’d want to leave a serious life partner because their sexual desires don’t exactly match yours.

I get that by society’s standards I’m the odd one out but I just don’t get why him wearing clothes he feels sexy in and dressing up for you is any different than when you do it.

I have encountered lots of kinks that initially repulsed me, but upon talking to the people and seeing where their urges came from and how carefully them managed the situation to have a healthy experience I have been won over.

I’m not saying you should do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. But that before you explode an other wise happy life maybe take a bit of time to examine your feelings, biases, prejudices and fears, see if you can widen your mind to understand a different perspective even if you don’t choose it for yourself.

esk1mo · 15/03/2019 00:44

Why are posters being so accepting of this
fetish? Hmm

google autogynephilia OP

oldfatandtired1 · 15/03/2019 00:54

If you don’t want to be involved that is fine. I didn’t. Those who say it’s just a harmless fetish have not been through it.

Nancydrawn · 15/03/2019 00:58

That must have been really hard for him to tell you, and I'm sorry it's been so hard for you to hear. I think unexpectedgifts has perfect advice.

DeRigueurMortis · 15/03/2019 01:07

OP - I'm glad previous posters have highlighted the supportive Trans Widows thread.

You will find non judgmental support there.

I think you might also want to research AGP. From what you've posted your DH is a textbook example.

Does he work in IT?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2019 01:11

I'm so sorry, op. I can only imagine your shock and despair. I would feel exactly as you do. I am completely accepting of all sexual identities and consensual fetishes in other's lives, but that doesn't mean it is something you can allow or accept in your own marriage. This would be a deal breaker for me.

abbey44 · 15/03/2019 01:15

I've been in your shoes and completely understand how you're feeling at the moment. It shakes the foundations of everything you've based your marriage on. Oldfatandtired, esk1mo and fallingirl get it. Go and read the Transwidows threads and you'll find others who have been there too. See how much of their stories mirror yours. I found it enormously supportive to know I wasn't the only one. Flowers

Handay · 15/03/2019 01:27

OP I'm so sorry you are having to face this. I totally get that, as a woman, having your husband fetishise women's clothing in this way is a deal breaker. Be very mindful of yourself and think of the best way forward for you. Do not allow yourself to be hurt or your boundaries to be breached by feeling that you have to accept something into your own sexual life that distresses you. You have lost the confidante you would normally go to on matters of life direction. Give yourself time to become your own confidante.

pinkboa · 15/03/2019 01:42

I cannot believe the first set of responses here!

You have my sympathies OP and I would leave. It's not something I would want to participate in.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 15/03/2019 02:02

You have two choices:

  1. Ask him to leave. It's not your bag. You feel lied to. You aren't interested. You neither want to share nor validate his fetish.
  2. You tell him you do not want or need to explore it further. You don't care what he does in private but you don't want to be exposed to it, same as solo masturbation or porn. So he does it in his own time with his own lingerie, making sure that you and DC won't ever find him doing it.

The third option - of trying it out - you have already rejected and that is allowed. You do not have to accommodate anyone's kinks or fetishes.

If he accepts 2. your marriage might be able to survive. If he actually wants to live out his fantasy though and this is just a step to transition then you are looking at 1, sooner rather than later as you are entitled to your own needs, wants and sexual preference.

VimFuego101 · 15/03/2019 02:05

I could live with this just but wouldn't want it to form part of my sex life. You have every right to say 'no' to this if you want.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 15/03/2019 02:29

Why are posters being so accepting of this
fetish?
Because for some it might not be a deal-breaker.
Same as bdsm, solo masturbation, porn, lap dances etc
Everyone knows what their own boundaries are.
I like guyliner, used to think Tim Curry/Eddie Izzard/Rufus Sewell in Taming of the Shrew retold were attractive, am currently enamoured with Robert Sheehan from the Umbrella Academy...but do I want to reenact Drag Race in my bedroom: meh, too much time and effort required. Same as if other half suddenly decided to channel Christian Grey. No thanks mate, vanilla's fine. But - if this thread is the real deal then yes, OP has to draw the line where she wants. Especially as many a trans widow has said that accommodating has led to it becoming less a fetish and more a lifestyle.