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Original poster

Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

176 replies

Toomanytears · 14/03/2019 23:41

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 15/03/2019 10:40

OP's DH doesn't want to carry on solo. He told her not because he wanted to come clean but because he wants to "explore further".

A dealbreaker for me. I would find the idea of him dressing up repulsive and against all that I find attractive in a man. Let's be honest, that is the way the majority of women would feel.

Nesssie · 15/03/2019 10:46

Personally, I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I would be embarrassed of people finding out. Definitely wouldn't find him attractive. Deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 10:47

Even if he did say he could carry on solo, it's too late. I know now. If he's home alone I'll wonder if he's doing it. If I wear something nice I'll wonder if he wants to know what he would like in it. He's been so discreet, if he hadn't told me I probably would never have known. I really do wish he'd never told me.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:06

Why are posters being so accepting of this
fetish? hmm

The PCness and warm, fuzzy 'tolerance' is strong itt.

Pity the tolerance means op going along with something she doesn't want to.

OP your feelings seen clear and are completely understandable. I'd feel the same, it would make me utterly uncomfortable and turned off. You're understandably devastated about what it means for your relationship and life too.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:07

They're so focused on his feelings and his trust in her and all that jazz, what about her feelings? Why do women have to be the tolerant, understanding ones?

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:08

*always

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:09

Pity he couldn't have been honest about this earlier. It's actually deceptive and deeply unfair.

Wrybread · 15/03/2019 11:11

Seems like there's a few different issues:

  • The lying/deception. That would be a deal breaker for me. He may have hidden it out of shame, but it means that he hadn't been honest with you for two decades.
  • the cross dressing. Whether you're ok with it or not is up to you.
  • the sexual /AGP element where he wants to bring you into it. Yes it was risky for him to tell you, but that doesn't mean that you have to feel sorry for him and you certainly don't have to try it out sexually when you're not into it. If he tries to pressure you, then it's coercion.

Just remember that it's him who has put the relationship in jeopardy. Not because of his crossdressing, but because he wasn't honest about who he was from the start, and he is the one who has chosen to tell you now.

He took your choice away from you to be able to fully consent to marriage.

So whatever you choose is fine. He made this mess be not being honest.

AIBUtopickanyoldname · 15/03/2019 11:12

I suspect he’s told you now because he is escalating and wants to take it further and pushing your boundaries is the first step.

You are perfectly entitled to say this is a deal breaker for you. No one should be forced into accepting things that overstep their sexual and emotional boundaries in the name of ‘tolerance’.

As others have already suggested, reswarch autogynephillia.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:13

He told her not because he wanted to come clean but because he wants to "explore further".

A dealbreaker for me. I would find the idea of him dressing up repulsive and against all that I find attractive in a man. Let's be honest, that is the way the majority of women would feel.

Exactly.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:17

He took your choice away from you to be able to fully consent to marriage.

These dudes know (especially before inline forums and groups) that they could go through 100 women before they'd find one who'd be ok with it; so they get u to relationships with women in a dishonest basis and then pull this shit on them later when they're secure/feel she's invested too much/gain confidence/spend too much time in online fetish groups etc.

AIBUtopickanyoldname · 15/03/2019 11:17

Would he be willing to sleep with you if you ‘butched’ up?

Didn’t think so.

And to all the ‘he’s so stunning and brave’ posters - it’s not stunning and brave to pull the rug out from under your spouse’s feet after 20 years and put implied pressure on them to do things sexually that they find a turn off.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:19

*on a dishonest basis

They also like the respectability and conformity of an (outwardly) conventional relationship. They know exactly what most of their work etc colleagues and seniors would think of it,back I said above, it's deceptive. It's not un- beard like.

Sarcelle · 15/03/2019 11:19

I think this is just the start for him. He has seen that the climate has changed and he now wants to bring his partner in on what was hidden at first. I say at first, but 20 years fgs.

Give it a while and he would then be involving her in trips outside the home with him dressed as a woman.

OP, this is not the life you envisaged. Its heartbreaking but you have a choice of either accepting it and your own wants and desires about being with a masculine man being denied, and letting him be happy at the expense of you. Or you could separate and move on, as hard as that is. I would choose the latter. Otherwise you are being dragged into the murky world of his fetish and he is only scratching the surface. Think of yourself from now on, your wants, your needs. He is already doing the same.

CzechMeOut · 15/03/2019 11:23

The brave one here is you, OP. Not your autogynephile husband.

Flowers
S1naidSucks · 15/03/2019 11:30

I’m sorry OP. I wouldn’t want to be a prop for someone else’s fetish. Unfortunately once that trust is broken, you’ll never be able to shake the doubt that he isn’t continuing to do it, when you’re not their. Even if he swore blind he would no longer do it, the fact that it’s part of him that he’s suppressing, would feel like a lie. Please read the trans widow threads, as suggested. I think these men that come out as trans to their wives, later in life are extremely selfish. They know they are part of the trans community, but cover it up, knowing the woman probably wouldn’t have married them in the first place.

Fairenuff · 15/03/2019 11:33

OP it's perfectly fine to say you don't want this in your life.

You can walk away from this.

Some posters are not listening to what you are saying but are instead telling you how they would feel. They are not you. You have to do what is best for you.

You cannot unknow this. You cannot live with him knowing what you know. You do not have to waste years of your life with him.

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 11:38

He's at work today so curiosity got the better of me and I decided to hunt for his stash. We don't have a massive house so my first guess was correct. I waited before emptying the bag as things can't be unseen. From what he said the other night I was expecting some lace/satin underwear and a skirt and top. Found those, also found shaping underwear to give him a more feminine arse, some odd knickers that I can only presume are to disguise his penis, a wig and some shoes that have definitely been worn outside. A small part of me actually feels better. I felt like I should 'try' if he was just enjoying lacy panties but clearly he is dressing up going out as a 'woman'. That is way, way, way over the line for me. Fuck knows who he is going out with, it's just more secrets.

Thank you again for your round the clock support. I've gone from devastated to accepting that I have to move on. Although I'm sure it's not going to be that easy. I can do this.

OP posts:
blueskiesovertheforest · 15/03/2019 11:44

Did he sit you down and make a big revelation and ultimatum or was it "any chance you'd be up for xvz!"

By which I mean is just saying "no, not my cup of tea" not possible? Do you think he'll be seeking someone else to do this with?

We don't all get to do everything we might fancy the idea of, surely as a grown up he knows a fetish isn't worth giving up everything and destroying a family for?

iamloading · 15/03/2019 11:45

Just sending you huge hugs. I was in a similar situation with my EXDH. I was newly married at the time and only 25. It was a dealbreaker for me. Very easy to say "it's just clothes" but very different when it's your DH wearing them. I found it physically repulsive rightly or wrongly. I'm now married again and have no regrets

iamloading · 15/03/2019 11:45

Ps in my experience it's a compulsion and not something they can just stop however much they might want to

Orlandointhewilderness · 15/03/2019 11:47

That sounds like a lot more than occasionally putting on some knickers to me. That would be far, far past my comfort level too.
I really feel for you OP.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:47

*Would he be willing to sleep with you if you ‘butched’ up?

Didn’t think so.*

To the contrary I have a feeling ops husband would be delighted to sleep with her if she 'butched up', that's the problem.

blueskiesovertheforest · 15/03/2019 11:48

Toomanytears sorry, somehow that took ages to post and crossed with your latest update.

Obviously it's not just something he tentatively suggested, like using a sex toy you don't like the idea of, it's something else entirely if you're sure he's actually cross dressing regularly, going outside like that etc.

That could impact on your dcs if he's spotted by them or their friends, so is completely selfish.

pissedonatrain · 15/03/2019 11:48

It's only been a couple of days. Try to have a talk with him about it and what it actually means to him and what he had in mind. Just listen. You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. After he explains it, take a few days or a week or however long to think about it. Talk to a counsellor too if you can. As for the shoes, he may have bought them second hand. But find out first and then decide. I could probably tolerate my DH doing it in private at home preferable when I was out.

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