Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

[Toomanytears]

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

mashed is giving good advice. I'd just add it's a journey you don't have to go on. And if you do, then prepare for it to have an effect on your health.

The corrosive effect of staying in a relationship with somebody that you have found out is not trustworthy, is debilitating.

On the now defunct GenderTrender blog there was a massive thread in which hundreds of women discussed their experiences of living with a cross dresser.

There were lots of brilliant insights but the one I'm remembering as I read your posts is that the men all lied, constantly. They would say they'd stopped, throw away the clothes and shoes, and later start up again.

What I learned from those women was that men in the grip of cross dressing obsession are almost totally self-centred. Your DH has reached the point where it's spilling out into your relationship. But you aren't receptive so now he's pretending it's not that important. But it won't disappear. It'll just go underground.

Be wary of who you see as a counsellor. I've heard of women being encouraged to be understanding and involve themselves in their partner's kink.

I would react as you have. The thought of a male partner dressed in lingerie is a total turn off.

I miss GenderTrender. It was such a great resource for women.

Yeah don't let him gaslight you or the kids into pretending he is something he isn't. He's not a woman and you aren't gay, it's blatantly homophobic and mentally distressing to you to start re-defining your sexuality to fit in with his narrative.

I hope the counselling helps, however, you don't have to support him. You really don't.

What about going to counselling for you. Just someone to talk it all over with.
I would think you might both end up with anxiety if you are both feeling caught in a marriage/ relationship/ situation not of either of your choosing but not solvable to anyone's satisfaction (except the DCs but you both need to be happy with the arrangement).

I have read your distressing thread.
I am just out of the same situation. He promised me he was a cd, but we have just separated after years of anxiety. He is now on the path to transitioning. 26 years together.
For your own sanity and wellbeing you need to speak to speak to a close family member or reliable friend
MNet has helped me regain some perspective in my life..
Don't let him continue to control you.
Make choices that will make you happy.
So tough......

Its not something I could deal with and it’s fine not to want to, it really is, don’t he guilted into it by the “he must love and trust you very much to have shared this with you” brigade.

There are a lot of posters on here who need to clue themselves up a bit on AGP.

It's not nice and sweet. It's not lovely that he has told her. He hasn't told her because he wants to come clean.

It's sinister.

And, yes, Stonewall consider these men to fall under the 'transgender' umbrella.

Well said beers.

I am positive that he does love and trust me but as I have already told him I am compatible with the person I thought he was not who he is. He still finds me compatible because I haven't changed!

Tinsel I do take your point, I really do. What I meant was something more along the lines of our paths are currently running parallel. I absolutely will not tolerate the lies but he is going to be in my life for years so I would like our separation to be as easy as possible.

I've been reading through a lot of very useful threads and can see my dh is following a pattern. Can I ask though did anyone's partner suggest transvestic disorder? My dh seems positive that is his problem not agp. Do all trans start by saying they have transvestic disorder? Is it a 'safe' choice until the next binge as they move towards wanting to be trans? Neither of us are Drs so he would need to be diagnosed. I have said he appears to me to be potentially agp by the pattern he's following but he says definitely not it's transvestic disorder. I just want to know if this is actually more pattern confirming?

My ex started off identifying as a transvestite but that was before transgender was really a thing. He became swept up in the burgeoning transgender ideology and is now fully transitioned.

Unlike most of the other trans windows partners, he was not obviously AGP, although he lied about so much I couldn't swear that he's not.

And if your DH wants to have sex whilst dressed as a woman surely that's the very definition of AGP?

Sorry I probably wasn't very clear before- my ex never brought the cross dressing into our sex life- he told me it wasn't sexual. Whether that was entirely true I don't know.

He had a lower sex drive than my other sexual partners have had.

I appreciate that you probably know so much more about all this than me. I've only discovered this world a few days ago but I think difference is whether it's wearing the clothes that it sexual or 'being a woman' that it sexual, although both involve men in women's clothes. I don't know if he wanted us to have sex while he was dressed up, it wasn't a conversation I was willing to have.

There are plenty of resources out there. Just search transwidows and you'll find sites like transwidows.com/ and www.peaktrans.org/comments/.

It's sad that there are so many women in your position but great that they're getting together online.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm not sure the distinction between the two would make all that much difference as far as you're concerned?

I have seen him really cry. He is beyond apologetic and determined to do whatever is needed to save our marriage.

So what's all that about then? He chose to involve you in his sexual fantasy and it didn't go the way he hoped. Now he's in tears and willing to do whatever to save your marriage... but he could have chosen to get therapy for his depression and explored his cross-dressing in confidence with the therapist, he could have thrown the clothes away without you finding out - wouldn't that have been doing "whatever was needed to save your marriage"? Or at least really trying "whatever is needed" before he gave way to his fantasy about cross dressing with you? Sounds like he's crying and apologising now because it stops you telling him what for.

See, he could have told you about his sexuality with presuming that you might ever share it. It sounds as if you don't feel entitled to what you already know about your own sexuality and he banked on that. Why would you hope to find images of cross-dressed men attractive? Surely if you did, you'd have some inkling before now? You're not the one who spent 20 years hiding your sexuality from him and it's bloody cheeky of him to presume that when he starts "exploring" your sexuality might change to suit him. What you say about counselling implies that you don't expect anyone to respect your sexuality equally with his.

I have looked at some independent options but we live in a 'trendy' place and I'm concerned that he may be encouraged to explore this side of him further while I'm told to be encouraging of our new 'gay' relationship.

If he wants to "explore" then a therapist can't stop him and a decent one wont try, though they should try to help him face up to the costs. And it's not so much encouraging your new "gay" relationship, it's more about accepting that may be the only kind of sexual relationship he can honestly have with you from now on, take it or leave it. (I'd leave it myself but whatever.)

Actually a few weeks wait before seeing a relationship counsellor is probably a good thing. You'll get more out of it after you've had a bit of time for your own feelings to settle. It might be worth thinking about separate counselling for yourself, so you can figure out what you want and need, separate from his needs or saving "the marriage". It sounds a bit as if you are trying to take back control by predicting his sexuality and therapising him. Sorry but that's a waste of effort. His path from here is his problem and you don't have to hold his hand while he figures it out, even if you stay in the marriage.

Anyway he's pissed about for 20 years or more, so you can take just as long as you like to decide what you want to do about it all. You're allowed to take your time and change your mind a few times along the way.

with presuming = without presuming.

Toomanytears I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am not a trans widow myself bit I do pop onto the trans widows thread to offer my support occasionally.

Yesterday you said...

"I think the sexual element does matter. Nearly everything I have read in the last few days says that it is rare for crossdressing to have a sexual element. So, what does it mean that for him it does?"

I am not in any way an expert but I think cross dressing does often have a sexual element. So not sure where you have read it does not have a sexual element.

I don't think your husband telling you now is trusting you, I think he has told you now because he has chosen to.

I don't think anyone else can tell you to stay or go but if waiting a year make a it better for you, do what is right for you.

I'd be highly sceptical of claims that cross dressing was not sexually motivated. It's usually a fetish, and fetishes run deep. I'd guess he's told you now because it's become so important to him that it's overspilling into his daily life and can no longer be put back in the dressing box.

Take all the time you need. You may be able to co-parent amicably in a non sexual relationship. However I fear you will find your existing sexual relationship is essentially over, as his obsession will intrude itself.

Just to clarify what I said earlier- the journey you're on can also end in separation OP. That's how my marriage ended and it was having counselling that brought it to an end because I realised how important cd was to him and how things would never change as he was so attached to the behaviour. He didn't want to find alternative coping strategies as cd worked for him.

We also found talking about it made him want to do it all the more - and I had to end the marriage because I started to feel emotionally abused. Please take care of yourself and don't allow behaviours that make you feel (emotionally) unsafe to happen in your house.

I am a shining light of joy since we separated as I no longer have to bear this burden. You will find your way- keep talking!

I am trying to accept my marriage is over but we've been together 20 years and I found out less than a week ago. I know everyone on this thread thinks I should simply skip to the end and separate but I need time to sort myself out too. I have the children to think about. I can't just throw him out until I've thought about what I will tell them and what I want.

Right now he is full of remorse and so he's not difficult to live with. He wants my forgiveness but doesn't expect to get it. His stuff has gone but I realise he can replace it anytime.

I think counseling for us as a couple and individually will be beneficial. Tackling his anxiety and depression will help him and ultimately me and the DC in future. I have found some evidence that he was considering counseling before he told me. I have said to him that I don't think he appreciates how damaging what he has done is. I told him that if he truly believes he can 'beat this' then he could have done that privately without involving me. Instead he's chosen to put his sexual desire above my feelings (as he's been involved in trans community long enough to know that chances of me going 'wow what a great idea' were pretty much zero) and now I'm left devastated. He is a selfish man. I think it also highlights how strong his desire to CD is. I don't believe he can give it up, but I believe he thinks he can.

Thank you all again for your support. I have found it invaluable these last few days.

I understand Toomany. I think you have realised your marriage is ultimately over but you are thinking about how to make the journey smoother.

Just make sure you look after yourself. By all means do the counselling etc but you know he can't change who he is.

I think it would be wise to begin slowly preparing to leave. Set up your own bank account, begin to gradually untangle the finances as much as you can and begin saving. If he does change and all is fine then it doesn't matter if you have separate finances. Take it from me, a divorce will be less stressful if you have taken some time separate the finances. Good luck!

I would think that if you believe you are obliged by society to hide your true nature and your true feelings always and forever then you are very likely to suffer depression and anxiety. Because imagine having to portray this false you to everyone all the time, always pretending, always acting (unless you go to trans bars where you can be your true self) - the stress would get to you eventually and affect your mental health. If that is how DH is then counselling won't fix it I wouldn't think.
(I think this because the anxiety I suffered for several years was due to being 'imprisoned' in a life I wasn't happy with but felt unable to change, not trans btw)

Or alternatively, if you've read/watched a lot of porn over time and developed a strong fetish, your "depression and anxiety" can really be frustration and aggression at not getting the type of sex life you fantasise about. No tragic-sad-inner-true-self about it.

(Not saying that's true for the OP's husband by the way but it's foolish to think that every fetishist out there has some deep rooted tragic "I can't be my real self" story.)