Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

[Toomanytears]

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

It's a no from me. I fancy men for their masculinity. Sometimes I love them for their feminity.
But I like them to know what they are by themselves. Each to their own but a cross dresser would be out of my league in terms of what I would fancy sexually.
I don't actually give a hoot what other people do just as long as they are comfortable with it

rage I can assure you that I am a real person and this is a real issue for me. Feel free to ask mumsnet. I've nc for obvious reasons but didn't think to put it in my op. I've been around for years.

I don't think I understand what agp is. Are you suggesting that my dh is early trans? He said it's absolutely just a sex kink and that he has no interest in becoming a woman. Is he fooling himself do you think?

A part of me wants ask him to go back to a few days ago. He can do it without me knowing and I'll get on with life. But I don't think I can because I do know and I'll worry everyday that one day he'll say he wants more and I certainly can't give that and another x number of years of my life will have been wasted with him.

I think deep down I have my answer but I'm not ready to accept it just yet. It's only been a few days. We have dc. I don't want to be a single parent. I'm in my 40's, he's been in my life such a long time. We have so many plans for the future. I'm so sad.

Fair enough. AGP is getting off at being in women's underwear at one end to getting off at imagining oneself to actually be a woman at the other. Only he knows where he is on that spectrum. If he doesn't need validation or want more than just the former, why is he asking you to be involved? No idea if he just wants to share your knickers, wants you to help him choose knickers or wants a woman he can pretend to be a lesbian with
So you need to ask why he has told you and what he wants from you. If it is a case of unburdening and can you vacate the house on a Saturday afternoon that's one thing, if it's lending your lipstick and being expected to call him Beyonce that's another. You know this.
I am sorry you're sad. I am sorry this has come out the blue. I think you are right in not wanting to waste years down the line.
Would I break up my marriage and become a single parent on this issue - yes, if you cannot have a 'normal' sex life again, if you will always be wondering where he is and what he is doing and you no longer find him attractive, knowing what you know.

He doesn’t get to police what you do with the information he’s given you. It’d be quite natural (and enormously beneficial) for you to speak candidly to a therapist about this. You’re not talking about HIM for god’s sake, you’re talking about your reactions, your grief for the marriage you thought you had (that he hid), and your ways forward.

It might be his secret, but it’s your marriage. Make an appointment and tell him clearly that he made his choices (alone) for 20 years and now you get to make a few of your own. You might want to add that without professional help and support, you’ll have to go on just your initial reaction. Which is not continuing in a marriage that has secrets and fetishes at its heart. Fetishes you 100% do not share.

God, in your situation I’d have a very very hard time not narrowing my eyes at him and saying ‘If I decide to see a therapist, I damn well will. Someone’s gotta wear the pants in this household.’

I’m not saying it’d be a kind, helpful or mature thing to say. But you’ve had a bad shock.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

I think it sounds clear that you don't want this to be part of your sex life, and it would turn you off.
Cross-dressing is really NOT the same as transgenderism and most people with a cross-dressing kink do not want to transition. Don't worry about that.
I think the key question is: does he enjoy the vanilla sex life he has with you, and can he accept a sex life, monogamously, with you, without this kink as any part of it?
If so - I think you would be best to accept him for who he is and continue with your marriage on this basis (ie as before, you don't ask, he doesn't talk about it, and you have your usual sex life without this in it). And you need to be able to take yes for an answer and not dwell on it. Kinks don't define people and they don't define an entire sexuality. I have some kinks and interests that I'll never act on and I'm happy with that.
If not, ie if this is something he absolutely needs in order to be happy in his sex life, then that's a bigger problem.

It didn't used to be cordelia - A transvestite was a transvestite. Now, transvestites and transsexuals are all being shoved under the same brolly. Quite a few posters have spoken of the pattern of their cross-dressing husbands not being satisfied just with the cross-dressing, it then leading to wanting to go out in women's clothes then living full-time as a woman. Sissy porn has a lot to answer for. But I freely admit this is anecdotal rather than statistical: if you say most people with a cross-dressing kink do not want to transition, do you have a source for that or a %?

Good point. Was told this by someone I know who I trust to have the right info but I will try to find a reference!

Thank you all for getting me through the night. I'm going to speak to him tonight about couple therapy with a view to separating. I'm also going to suggest we each have individual help. I need to come to terms with all this and I think he has a lot of issues that are causing depression and anxiety that he buries rather than dealing with.

I have no idea what we will tell family and friends but I'm sure we'll think of something. I am devastated but this is the right path for me.

@Toomanytears
I feel so sad for you. Your world as you know it has come tumbling down......but so has your husbands. It was very brave of him to tell you his fetish but he must have known that you would not be a willing participant or even feel comfortable with this knowledge. What a risk he took.
So hard for you when you obviously love him.
I wish you the very best.

My ex loved anal, I don't. So we didn't.
I like it a bit rough, another ex didn't feel comfortable with that, so we didn't.
Neither was the reason the relationship didn't work out.

I really would give it more time. The poor man confided in you and you are basically telling him he's too disgusting to be around, whether he keeps it to himself in future or not. I'd at least try to be ok with knowing (but not seeing) and tell him if that's not enough then sorry but you can't be the woman for him any more.

Not sure about offering advice as I have no experience of this but what I do know is that, unless in the past 20 years you have asked if e wears women’s clothes and he has said no. He has not lied to you, he has just taken his time to show you his sexual fantasy. Two very different things in my book.

Jesus, enough of the "poor little man" drama already.

The OP has a right to her own reactions to her partner being someone she doesn't know.

Poir yoy, OP. I want to fuck masculine men. I would be devastated.

If my DH told me he was a secret cross dresser after a long marriage I’d be devastated too OP. You have just found out that your life partner is not in fact the person you thought him to be, there’s no right or wrong involved. He finds wearing women’s clothing a sexual thrill, you don’t find that thought attractive and I don’t understand why he should out rank you in needs. You are as ‘entitled ‘ to only have a sexual relationship with someone who turns you on as he is to fulfill his own needs.

I love my DH very much but if he wanted to have sex with me or even just wear a bra and knickers etc it would totally alter our relationship and I would have zero attraction to him physically. I would therefore not dream if having sex with him just because he wants to explore it.

I really feel for you on this one. For me it would be the end of our relationship as husband and wife. Possibly we could stay friends but that would be it and I don’t think I would want to stay married as at some point he would want a sexual relationship with someone else and I would too.

OP, if you told him you didn't want to be part of this side of him, but he could continue doing it privately without involving a third party and he agreed, would that be okay for you?

Does he have submissive tendencies?

My DH of 17 years told me the same. We have 3 kids and a good sex life. He says he felt he liked women's clothes from around age 14. He was scared I would leave him but I haven't.

Like pp have said the urge to wear female clothes doesn't mean a full transition is inevitable. My DH does not want to be a woman. He is not in IT and is hugely supportive and empathetic, so when I read the transwidows threads I couldn't recognise him in their descriptions of a 'typical' man with these desires. Every body is different, everybody has things that shape them if this is too much for you, don't feel bad.

For me I just felt sad he hadn't felt able to tell anyone before. We tried it once with no expectations. It was ok. I didn't throw up in my mouth! I enjoyed the sex even though it's not my thing. Since then it makes up a very small amount of our sex life, in 6 months he's dressed up twice and we have sex on average 2-4 times a week. I adore him, he's still the man I married, I know if I couldn't get involved with it he would not push it.

Councilling seems like a good idea and if it's a deal breaker for you, that's what it is, don't feel bad but if he's great in every other way also give yourself time to process it as it's a huge shock.

I think it is very perceptive of you to see how this affects your DH's view of women. I'd be deeply uncomfortable with that too.
Whilst you may want to be discreet about who you talk too, you are under no obligation to keep secrets for him at a cost to your own health and happiness.

My DH is a cross dresser. However, we were friends for years before we got together, and I have always known. I have no problems with it personally and I do find it quite fun at times. Of course he never kept it a secret and has been fully open about it the whole time I knew him, so I knew exactly what I was going into. I can understand how it would come as a shock or a surprise after such a long time of not knowing, and in a way he took away your choice. You signed up for marriage with a man.
Would you have still married him if you knew all those years ago? Is it the cross dressing or the fact he kept it a secret the biggest problem?

I think it's very hard for both of you, he's kept this secret a very long time, while you knew nothing of it. He's had time to come to terms with it and process it while you haven't. I think it's a good sign he has come to you and been honest and told you, and it's completely down to you what the next steps are. I wish you both the best of luck

I think you need to talk more with him OP. Has he really kept this from you for the last 20 years? Or is this something that has developed more recently?

Once you've got more of a handle on it from speaking to him, then you should have some counselling to work out how you want to proceed. If that ultimately means separation for you, then that's your right. He has moved the goalposts - you were unaware of this and it is fine for it to be a deal-breaker for you.

I don't think you should be worrying about how he views women it's more about the way he looks himself and feels and the clothes.
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Yeah it's sucks that he kept a secret from you for so long but for him to express himself and actually wants you to be involved in that side of things is a positive thing to. It's obviously a massive shock but if you slowly show your show your support that it can do wonders for you both.
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It sounds like a sexual thing so don't compare it to being trans etc. I know quite a few men myself who like women's clothing but are alllll man/straight. If you know why he enjoys set you can really start to support (eg. The feel, start with just woman's pants etc.)
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Try and make it very clear to him though that it is an big change for you and it will take you time to deal with but if you really love him then you need a work together on it.

OP. Good for you for suggesting couple counselling to agree to separate amicably.

As for family/friends, well the truth is that he recently admitted lifestyle choices which he says he’s always had but chose not to share before you committed, but to which you do not share his values or enthusiasm for.

You have a right to live the life you want, how you want it. Unfortunately due to his deceit you have built a life up to now on deceit and lies and that is devastating for you.

I think the sexual element does matter. Nearly everything I have read in the last few days says that it is rare for crossdressing to have a sexual element. So, what does it mean that for him it does?

I don't think it really matters whether he's been actively doing this for the last 20 years or just the last couple of months. It's not like it's a phase he'll outgrow if I wait long enough.

I'm hoping to sit down with him tonight and talk. I'm so tired. I know how distressed he will be knowing he has made me feel this way. I love him but I don't see how this can work anymore. What a massive fucking mess.

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP - I have nothing to add but jut=st wanted to extend sympathy and empathy - I would be devastated too.

OP - I am sorry for both of you.
It must have taken a lot of courage for him to admit this to you. And does show that he struggled with with for ever and finally took a risk to tell the person he is closest to.
It’s sad that he miscalculated and you aren’t able to accept him as he is. And that the years of a good marriage and closeness can be whipped out - because he likes a piece of clothing.
You don’t need to engage in his fetish. He’s been Ok to engage solo. No reason why it can’t go on.

Absolutely not sure why family should break up over this.
He should never have told you. I am sure he is regretting it dearly.