Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

[Toomanytears]

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

OP you come across as someone who has emotional intelligence and strength. Sorry you find yourself at such a difficult cross road in your life.
Some one upthread mentioned Gendertrender - I think I saw on a thread on the Feminist board that a new site has been launched on a different platform.

OP you come across as a brave and articulate person.

I believe he told you because he wants to escalate his behaviour and with the current climate thought you might be accepting of that. He could have kept his life intact if he'd kept his secret hidden as he'd managed to do for so long before so you're right to ignore his crocodile tears.

OP you have got to do what is right for you. It is okay for people to say LTB, do the sudden ending. You are doing it your way, pragmatically and with dignity and will do what you have to do in time. I would do as people suggest though, get your affairs in order so you are prepared when the time is right. He was trying it on with you, he thinks that with all the programmes and chat about trans issues that everybody is positive about all this and you would go along with it. He was being selfish, so must you be from now on.

I believe he told you because he wants to escalate his behaviour and with the current climate thought you might be accepting of that.

That's what my ex did. After 15+ years of marriage I was supposed to suddenly accept his crossdressing and ladyfeels as part of our daily life, and when I couldn't, he screamed "I thought you were a liberal!"

I think you’re being very strong OP. I can’t imagine what a shock it must have been and continues to be. Ignore the posters saying “it’s just clothes”. No it’s not.

OP "I am trying to accept my marriage is over but we've been together 20 years and I found out less than a week ago. I know everyone on this thread thinks I should simply skip to the end and separate but I need time to sort myself out too. I have the children to think about. I can't just throw him out until I've thought about what I will tell them and what I want."

I don't think everyone is expecting you to just leave. You really need to take the time you need.

We are behind you, we will listen. Some on here have been where you are. Really, generally, we want the best for you. Even those of us who have not been through this have some idea how difficult this must be.

We've been to the Dr today so he's now taking diazepam. He has arranged counseling for the depression and Dr has referred him for help for cd.

I have moved some money about.

Does anyone have a link to gendertrender thread please?

What sort of help for the cross dressing? Has he been referred to a GIC?

Bless you. You're handling this extremely well op.

www.gendertrending.com/

Have you read the Miranda Yardley blog about AGP?

mirandayardley.com/en/what-autogynephilia-is-and-what-is-it-not-a-brief-note/
mirandayardley.com/en/a-history-of-autogynephilia/

Very inciteful. Written by a transwoman, who knows he is still a man.

tinsel what's GIC please? It's taking me a while to understand all these short hands.

Thank you for links. I will have a read through later. I feel so exhausted. It's just constantly on my mind. I really want to think about something else, just for a minute.

Gender Identity Clinic.

I remember that feeling, OP. I remember thinking, "I can't remember what I used to get stressed about, before this", because the stress and anxiety was all consuming

The reason I ask if he's been referred to a GIC is that's basically the first step on the path to transition.

He's been referred to psychological services for possible cbt. Tbf to GP that's probably the best he can do with such a short appointment. I think dh needs to do a lot of talking and thinking before he decides what to do next.

I think, and Dr seemed to agree, that just calming him down and dealing with immediate stress and anxiety was first thing that needed doing.

Dh appears to have 'woken up' to what he has done, how much he has hurt me and what he has risked. He says he wants help to stop this 'deeply damaging behaviour' and that he feels ashamed and sickened by what he's done. But I don't know if he feels that way about the CD itself or because of the effect it's had and right now I don't want to push him.

He has described it as an addiction and wants help to stop permanently. He says he definitely doesn't want to be a woman and he likes being a man. TBH his mind is so fucked up right now that I doubt he knows what he wants so I'm not putting any faith in what he is saying.

OK. I was worried he might have been telling you he'd been referred for some sort of benign sounding counselling when really it was the GIC.

TBH his mind is so fucked up right now that I doubt he knows what he wants so I'm not putting any faith in what he is saying.

Sounds about right. Don't lose sight of yourself and what you want in feeling sorry for him and looking after him trying to make him mentally healthy. The CD has been going for a long time and from what you say he hasn't been stewing in social isolation and denial of his real self for all these years, you said he's been involved with the trans community for some time now?

I get the feeling he really wants to carry on cross-dressing but not give up his comfy mainstream family lifestyle with you. And TV or TS, that's not going to be an option if it's not what floats your boat, and no amount of I'm-unwell and it's-an-addiction from him is going to change that. Sometime he has to face the fact that he can't have everything he wants and he can't hide behind mental illness (even real mental illness) forever. If he's shielding himself with mental illness he could even carry on being mentally unwell to keep you there looking after him. So he will need to manage his own MH. And if you want to end the marriage (at any point, I don't mean right now) that's OK.

Op I have just come across your thread. It was really hard for me to read because it brought a lot back for me but I wanted to say that you’re not alone and I completely understand how you feel. I’v Name changed to reply. I accidentally discovered my husband was a cross dresser after several years of marriage and children. I haven’t left but I am doubtful if I will be able to stay forever. If I am very honest, I am only really staying for the dc. It has changed everything. For me the worst thing is the lying. We seem to go through a cycle of talking about it, agreeing boundaries, us getting on well and back on track for a few months, me discovering he’s lied and broken every boundary that’s been set, him begging forgiveness and me giving him one last chance. It has made me paranoid. He’s currently having counselling but after the most recent load of lies I have said that it’s either cd or me. I won’t tolerate it at all. He is not a nice person when he does it and all regard for my feelings go out of the window. It’s like a complete personality change. I suspect that in a few months we’ll be back to the same lies. I don’t think there will be a happy ending for us unless he can be happy with not doing it.
I don’t really have any advice other than that you don’t need to make any quick decisions. Take your time to process your feelings because it is a lot to take it. You don’t have to accept it though if you don’t want to and that’s ok. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

Hi @Yewneekusername, your story is a very familiar one and very similar to my own,except I got out 5 years ago. I don't want to monopolise the OP's thread,but do come over to the trans window's thread for support

Thank you TinselAngel I will do. I had no idea the thread existed until today. I have felt so alone with this so it’s comforting to know there are others going through similar. What has really scared me after reading this thread is the similarity with what the OP’s Dh said and what mine said. The coping mechanism stuff, the stopping for periods of time, the offering to get rid of everything, the crying for forgiveness. We’ve been through the binge/purge cycle several times now. It’s really bloody expensive and although I think he truly believes that he can stop when he throws everything out, he’s back to it again pretty quickly. I know that it’s part of him and will always be there. It’s just shit.

Hello yewneek I really, really want to believe that my dh is different but looking at all the evidence on this thread and the other one tinsel has linked I think I've accepted that my marriage is over. I see myself where you are, staying for the children but unhappy. I will leave though. I want to get through the next 12 months. The children will be ok, please think seriously about going so everyone can move on.

Dh is speaking to psychological services today and will start a course of antidepressants. He has all these ideas for when 'we're through this' and after he's 'beaten it' but like you say it's part of him, it'll always be there and it's just so shit.

Looking through his accounts and talking to him I think that although he had a very long gap since last time when he returned to it he wanted to pick up where he left off and spent quite a bit of money over a couple of days rather than building up a collection slowly. I'm presuming that when he starts up again the same thing will happen. I think he's found it easier this time as easy access to the internet has allowed him to go on forums that have supported his CD.

I actually feel sad for both of us. If he'd told me 20 years ago may be I would have been more accepting (younger, naive and part of the damage he's done is due to all the lying) or may be I would have finished things then. He could have met someone else who did accept it or explored becoming TS. I could have met someone honest and my children could have grown up with both parents. I'm sure everyone feels this way.

Anyway, today is a new day and that means I'm one day nearer to stepping out of this car crash.

I don’t know- no one else can tell you how to feel OP, but I had an ex who was into this and it didn’t effect our wider relationship. It was just a thing he liked to do sometimes to get off and it really didn’t impact on his masculinity or our dynamic outside of the bedroom. It’s fine if you don’t want to try this, but I don’t think it’s worth throwing a 20 year marriage away over.

You poor thing. I think i‘d find this extremely hard too. Are you still going to see Relate? I wonder if finding a therapist who had expected expertise in this area might allow to both talk through what this all means, and have confidence in your next steps x

Carrie, he's lied to her. It's already affected their relationship.

Do read the Trans Widows thread if you think this is a minor thing.

Are you still in touch with that ex? I wonder how his cross dressing progressed.

I just don’t get why him wearing clothes he feels sexy in and dressing up for you

It’s not him dressing up for the OP it’s dressing up for him. I certainly don’t find a man in a mini skirt and basque in the least bit alluring. He will want an audience - he isn’t exactly going to just sit and look in the mirror is he? What next?