Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

176 replies

Toomanytears · 14/03/2019 23:41

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/03/2019 11:48

That sounds like a lot more than occasionally putting on some knickers to me. That would be far, far past my comfort level too.
I really feel for you OP.

It does. But for me, even if it was only putting knickers on occasionally, I wouldn't be ok with it.

Sorry you're going through this op.

NopeNi · 15/03/2019 11:50

"It’s sad that he miscalculated and you aren’t able to accept him as he is."

FUCK THIS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

Awful and nasty response.

WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 12:03

TooMany, 30 years ago my DH told me he was a cross dresser but was 100% sure he was not trans. It was just an occasional thing he said.

Fast forward to today. DH has been living full time as a woman for over 6 years with hormones and is now three years post full gender reassignment surgery. Oh, and the hormones apparently mean he/she now fancies men.

So be aware that they often don't give you the full story all at once. They hold back the details they think will make you leave. It's not just clothes, never is.

Huskylover1 · 15/03/2019 12:41

Can't believe that any woman could put up with this. Unless you are bi-curious or a lesbian, why the fuck would you want sex with someone wearing women's lingerie.

It's like a woman shaving her head, getting a load of tattoos, strapping down her breasts, wearing a toolbelt and hard hat to bed, and asking if her straight husband still wants a shag. Er, no, cos you look like a bloke.

Terrible shock you have had here, and your response is entirely normal and the same as most women's would be.

I know it won't help you now, but I just wanted to say, that I had an awful shock after a 20 year relationship, whereby I found out that my husband had been shagging around for our entire relationship. It feels like the bottom of your world drops out overnight.

But, I left him, and here I am 11 years later, married to someone else and head over heals in love. My point being, that you will get over this and build a new life for yourself, even if it all seems hopeless right now, you still have many, many years left to live, and it will be fine in the end. Flowers

Huskylover1 · 15/03/2019 12:43

Sorry, just to clarify, it didn't take me 11 years to move on! I met DH the same year that I left my first H.

Huskylover1 · 15/03/2019 12:47

It’s sad that he miscalculated and you aren’t able to accept him as he is

For fuck's sake, she's not gay.

If you don't mind shagging someone in lacy lingerie, bully for you, I'm guessing you are bisexual or like certain fetishes. It's not something a 100% heterosexual woman would enjoy.

I can't even imagine my DH in lingerie. He's 6 ft 3 with big stocky legs, he'd look like a fucking freak show.

WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 12:50

Op, whatever he says this will not stop at occasional dressing up. He is pretending that he can stop at that because he knows you will leave if he tells you the full truth. If I had known 30 years ago I would not have married him. Now we have DC which makes it all so much harder.

This will escalate, I can' guarantee it. Ask yourself if you can live with that

Huskylover1 · 15/03/2019 12:52

WifeOfTiresias I hope you aren't still with this guy?

Original poster
Toomanytears · 15/03/2019 12:54

We have 3 DC, all in primary school.

I have made an appointment with Relate (actually I'm on their waiting list but it's a start) for some separation counseling. I've also spoken to the Samaritans as while you have been great I really needed to say it all aloud.

OP posts:
WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 12:58

Still living in same house but definitely not a couple - separate rooms. Stayed because seemed best thing for the DC. If I could have seen the future 30 years ago we would not have got married but was young and naive, believed the cross dresser story. Now it's all so much more complicated.

WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 12:59

You are doing the right thing, TooMany

isabellerossignol · 15/03/2019 13:05

It’s sad that he miscalculated and you aren’t able to accept him as he is

That makes no sense to me, aside from as emotional blackmail.

If he had been shagging all her friends behind her back, should she just accept him as he is, because he admitted it and was brave to do so?

Or if he had decided to turn to crime to make a quick profit?

Or if he came clean and said he had done something terrible and covered it up?

The bottom line here is that who he IS is not who he has been pretending to be. He's a complete stranger now. And most people have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who they don't actually know at all.

Crossdressing would be the end of my marriage, without question.

OpiesOldLady · 15/03/2019 13:11

I'm sorry you've had this shock droped on you.

From my perspective, an ex partner of mine is a CD. He told me when we first got together, and it was something I could live with. For him, he wears feminine underwear every day - to be fair, women's underwear is much nicer than males - but he has no inclination to actually be a woman. It did sometimes form a part of our sex life, but it was just another part of him. They weren't women's clothes per second, they were his clothes.

I guess only you can decide what this means for you and your marriage. Don't be so sure that he's gone out dressed up - the shoes could well be second hand etc.

Sarcelle · 15/03/2019 13:18

Telling somebody when you first get together is an entirely different scenario than being in a long term marriage. It's like any secret somebody has been withholding, it means you don't know the person you thought you were in an intimate relationship with.

Lottapianos · 15/03/2019 13:32

OP, what a dreadful shock for you. I can tell how desperately sad you are and what a bombshell this must have been. I would feel absolutely 100% the same as you do. Wishing you lots of strength for the days and weeks ahead. I very much second the idea of seeing a therapist, with him or without him. I was in therapy for several years and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself

AuntMarch · 15/03/2019 13:45

I don't necessarily think you have to know someone's kinks to know the person.
I said before that I don't understand why you can't just know about it and have no part of it - but that's only because I think I could.

PP is being slated for saying it's sad OP can't accept him as he is. It is sad. But that doesn't mean she should! It's just a shame that after all this time there is such a compatibility issue.

S1naidSucks · 15/03/2019 13:46

Toomanytears, if you decide to leave, and who could blame you, please don’t give him any indication yet. Make sure you have everything in place to go, first. Get copies of all financial papers, yours and the children’s birth certificates/passports, some cash, if you’ve only a shared account. Make sure you have all the stuff you need in place, in case he turns nasty or tries to hide money. You may think he’s not going to react in that way, but as the trans widow thread and other threads will show you, many so called nice men can get very nasty. This is man that has already had a hid another side of himself, from you for decades.

Sarcelle · 15/03/2019 13:57

He wants her to be a part of it, that's why he told her.

Sarcelle · 15/03/2019 13:57

That was in response to Aunt March

WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 14:02

Aunt March, I thought I could ignore it but unfortunately i knew very little about the issue and believed the half truth I was told. You can't ignore it when your DH is living full time as a woman.

WifeOfTiresias · 15/03/2019 14:06

Also, accepting him as he is does not mean you have to be comfortable being in a romantic relationship with them. You have NOT suddenly become a lesbian!

You went into this relationship on the basis of a lie. It's entirely reasonable to decide it's not for you now you know the truth.

S1naidSucks · 15/03/2019 14:07

He doesn’t want her to be ‘part of it’, he wants her to be his prop and validate his kink. Yuck.

TheVanguardSix · 15/03/2019 14:09

This is an undeniable watershed moment in your marriage, OP. And your grief is more than valid. My head would be absolutely spinning.
So many questions. So much to understand and process. Give this time to process. That doesn’t mean ‘give this time until you accept.’ Not at all. Just process. It’ll take time. It is totally ok to eventually understand and still not accept this. He wants you to accept this.

There was a post upthread saying he trusted you to tell you about his most intimate self. He must love you very much. Bollocks. Utter bollocks. OK, he loves you, certainly but come on. Cross-dressing for years and years in secret? It’s a big deal. He had 20 years to open up and reveal. It’s what you do in a marriage out of decency. Out of love. Love doesn’t hide big shit like this. And this is huge. This ‘fetish’ has grown teeth and legs. It’s gotten bigger than him and he can’t hide it anymore. My assumption is that he really wants this side of him to dominate the sexual part of his life. Perhaps all parts of his life. That’s what he’s telling you, in my opinion.

You’re crossing the Rubicon, OP. I feel heartbroken for you. This is tough. And you have to have the courage of your own convictions. Think about you, OP and what you need in this life.

TinselAngel · 15/03/2019 15:48

OP, Josuk's post is absolutely terrible advice, please ignore it. I will answer you shortly on the Trans Widows thread.

@iamloading @WifeOfTiresias, - it would be great to hear your stories over there too.

It's heartening that after the first few posters you've received some great advice about what a terrible betrayal this is, and about the likelihood of his behaviour escalating.

I haven't got time to try and educate anybody who says "it's just clothes". There's two Trans Widows threads now that show this is really not the case.

TinselAngel · 15/03/2019 16:50

Also @Biscuitsinmybra in the interests of balance it would be great to hear from you on the Trans Widows thread too.

Just because a lot of us have had similar experiences, doesn't mean those with a different experience are excluded Thanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread