Dh of 20 years is a crossdresser. I don't know how to cope.

[Toomanytears]

Please be gentle with me. I don't even know what I want to hear but I have no one to talk to. After 20 years and DC together (oldest is 11) my dh has told me that he cross dresses for sexual kicks and wants to 'explore this further' with me. I know I sound melodramatic but I have an ache in my chest and tears just writing about it. I didn't have a clue. 20 years he has lied to me about who he is. To say I didn't have a clue is not strictly true, about a fortnight ago he said something about 'a dream with women's underwear' and I did wonder if he wanted to try it (not realising he's been doing it for years!). While he was out I looked for some images of men in women's underwear on the internet to see if it was something I might want to try and decided that it definitely isn't. I am devastated. I honestly can't see how our marriage can survive. I am at a loss what to do next and feel so very, very alone. The one person I would usually talk to, who would support me and comfort me isn't the person I thought they were. I can't talk to anyone else either as I know he doesn't want anyone else knowing.

We have spoken. I think for the first time in our marriage I have seen him really cry. He is beyond apologetic and determined to do whatever is needed to save our marriage. The stuff goes tomorrow morning (there are good logistical reasons why it didn't go tonight). He has agreed to marriage counseling and independent counseling for various issues that I may have mentioned earlier. He says he's told me everything and I believe him. He also says that this time has been going on for about 4/5 months but prior to that there has been a 10 year gap. He has offered me on going access to all his accounts, including his bank. I don't think either of us believe he can be 'cured' but with 3 children and all our history we need to find the best way through this whether we can reconcile or need to separate remains to be seen. Whatever happens he is a good father to our children.

This is a pattern that these men follow OP, the binge and purge. Maybe he means what he says right now, or maybe you've still only seen the tip of the iceberg. One of the other trans widows has described her husband as going in and out of a "pink fog".

I hope you are the exception to everything I've learned by my own experience. talking to other women in this situation. Do please also read my response on the Trans Widows thread.

Something to ponder though- he's the one who has lied, but I bet you're now feeling sorry for him.

I tried to do this too, for many years. At the time we finally split I went to see a counsellor and she said my anxiety was so bad, she couldn't treat it, and she had a duty of care to notify my GP in case I harmed myself.

Sounds very close to the cheaters script with the tears and wild promises OP. Be careful here, he's (perhaps unintentionally) going to manipulate you, but the basic problem won't change.

I hope things do work out for you though

💐** Take care, I hope it all works out for you.

Did you ask him why he decided to get you involved now?

*My ex loved anal, I don't. So we didn't.
I like it a bit rough, another ex didn't feel comfortable with that, so we didn't.
Neither was the reason the relationship didn't work out.

I really would give it more time.*

Both of those (unfortunately in the case of anal) are within the spectrum of typical heterosexual sex & behaviour. A man wearing women's clothes, shoes, underwear that makes his arse look more feminine and hides his genitals, wigs etc. is not.

As posters have said, if she dressed as a man, bound her breasts, out on fake facial hair, maybe stuffed her underwear or wore a strap on etc. and expected a heterosexual man to tolerate it and have sex with her, what would the response be? And is it likely a man would?

Why are women always pressured to be understanding and 'tolerant ' and supportive of men - esp men's sexual behaviour - at their own expense.

Oh OP - how difficult and upsetting this must be.

He is what he is though and the feelings he gave won’t just go away because you made him throw his clothes away.

Getting rid of the clothes changes nothing - he still has the same fetishes and though. He doesn’t go back to being the man you once knew (or thought you did) just because you made him throw his outfits out.

I understand why you have made him do it but it doesn’t actually change anything.

I honestly don’t know how things can move on from here. I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if it was my husband and I can’t evwn think about how confused and upset I would feel.

Give yourself some time to digest the news and see how things progress and then see if you can truly put this behind you.

I haven't made him throw anything out or made any demands on him. I know things will never be the same again. He offered to do it. I am giving myself time to digest everything. I am still in turmoil but we have 3 DC, it's not like I'd throw him out on the streets this evening. I want to maintain a good relationship for them.

I do have massive concerns about the whole binge/purge cycle.

Take him up on his offer to access his bank account. There may be something revealing.

I would ask where he got the shoes.

I have my doubts you can counsel yourself out of wanting to dress/act like a woman.

He's already stopped and restarted you seem to be saying.

I understand this is incredibly hard for you with three young kids and the investment you have made in the marriage but keep your eyes open op. I'd be getting ducks in a row and thinking about how best to get out (for yourself and you children).

This is a part of who he is. He may stop for a while, but the urge will still be there.

He may become resentment that he's had to give it up in order to keep the marriage.

Like you, this is something I wouldn't feel comfortable with at all. I wouldn't go as far as to say it disgusts me, just that I'd lose the attraction if my DH did this.

Op I have nothing to add other than just to say that I am so sorry your husband is not the man you thought he was.

What’s seen can’t be unseen and what’s said can’t be unsaid

So I just hope you give yourself time to digest all of the information and make the right choices for you

YOu don’t have to live with it. You don’t have to accommodate it.
You just do what you feel comfortable with .
It’s your call now and you will come out the other end.

This is who he is. If you think
He’s going to give it up, and you’ll sacrifice your happiness for the kids, you’re thinking along the wrong lines. If just won’t eork out like that.
All you’ll do
Is delay it for another few years

Denial is one of the stages of grief.

I don't know if @birdbandit is around at the moment, but if she is her advice would be invaluable.

The only way it might be 'treatable' or rather managed is if these binging episodes coincide with his bouts of depression/anxiety as you mentioned he had these issues, OP.

If it's his go-to coping mechanism, then therapy for anxiety could calm the urges down. After all if he had a 10-yr (!) gap, I wouldn't say it's his main sexual identity but an occasional indulgence/need. I wonder whether he told you how important it isto him - how did he define it.

Cat that's pretty much exactly it. I know it's part of who he is. It's not 'treatable'. It won't go away. He says he uses it to cope when he is finding things overwhelming. Other coping mechanisms could be put in place though.

I do appreciate everyone's advice and experience. I know that we could now be heading down a well trodden path that is ultimately more upsetting for me when I find myself here again in x months. But my feeling right now is that, for reasons I'm not about to explain, if we can survive another 12 months I'd rather separate then. He does have depression and anxiety issues that up until now he has been unwilling to seek help for. If he gets help that can only be a good thing for our long-term relationship, whatever that may be (we have 3 young DC so even if we were to divorce we will have to co parent for many years). I believe he believes everything he is telling me but I find it hard to believe that he is unique and will follow a totally different path to all of your partners.

OP he sounds like an AGP to me and as a single mum myself please don't worry about going it alone, and in fairness you will be co-parenting, if he is a decent father (AGP issues to one side) then at least you will be sharing the parenting.

Don't get guilted into accepting his behaviour, the thing I found saddening when watching "the making of me" documentary was the wife. She was just so sad and distressed. I didn't think he was "brave and stunning" I thought he was a selfish asshole.

I don't think anyone should undermine by saying it is minor. It's a massive shock and it's unusual. I honestly have no advice. Give it time.

Hi OP, I went through a very similar event last year and I just wanted to say no one really knows what it's like until they go through it . You're being very rational and proactive in trying to deal with such a huge life event which is amazing. I ended up separating from my husband of 19 years but I also found out that he has other issues which prevented us from being able to find a way forwards. I found 'relate' excellent and whichever way you go their support will hopefully stand you in good stead.

Thank you mashed I find your post very comforting. We've talked some more and I'm now pretty certain he is Agp so I hold little hope that our marriage can be saved. I just need to salvage what I can. I have put us on Relates waiting list, unfortunately it's about 3/4 weeks. I have looked at some independent options but we live in a 'trendy' place and I'm concerned that he may be encouraged to explore this side of him further while I'm told to be encouraging of our new 'gay' relationship. I appreciate he will need to, and should, talk about the CD, I want it done in a more neutral way so he can pick his own path and someone will support me through my grief.

Maybe his depression and anxiety are down to having to live a lie. If that's the case no amount of counselling is going to help, unless it's to encourage him to be who he really is But you've said there are reasons for you wanting to delay separation for a year, so that is to be respected. I hope you can get through the next 12 months and come out of it stronger and prepared for the next stage of your life.

The thing that I found is that there can be many 'reasons' for cross dressing and it is not linear, as in one causes the other or that it is as a result of something. It just is .....and other things just are .....and sometimes they coexist.

For me, looking for neat triggers or reasons confused the issue because I was looking for a pattern that didn't necessarily exist.

All you can do at the other end (as the wife or partner ) is work out what is, and what isn't ok with you, and your gut will tell you loud and clear. You just have to decide whether to listen to your gut or not.

It is a journey and if you can get impartial support it can help make that path a bit clearer. It's not about being right or wrong but being true to yourself which ever side you sit on. I wanted to be more accepting and not have a problem with my husband cross dressing but I couldn't. Some people do- and you will find your own way. Please feel free to pm me if you like OP

I talked to my DH about this thread and we came the conclusion that if a man wore ladies knickers as part of a thrill during sex and it was something that you BOTH enjoyed then that's ok...but if it were a singular pursuit/desire then the the problem for me would be the perceived loss of manhood/maleness. That's a clear distinction. My gut feeling is that you may just end up being friends and not lovers. You'll be supporting him through this but who is supporting you?....

I’ve read your latest update OP. Don’t accept anything you don’t want to accept for fear of being unwoke or not trendy. Your opinions and feelings matter.

I’ve not been in your exact situation but have had experience of finding out my husband was not the man I thought he was. It’s devastating but with time it gets easier.