If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

The never ending boredom of the routines that never end.
My childless friends not understanding why I cant meet at a certain time because if ds doesn't sleep then he will not sleep at all.
The fact the only time I have to myself are when I am in work/after ds is in bed and I am doing things that need doing.
The sleep deprivation is the worst thing on this planet. I am going on 2 years of it now and I don't know how I am still alive.
The fact you will be judged for EVERYTHING you do
The competitive parents (why doesn't your 23 month old talk in full sentences yet, little James could speak 2 extra languages at his age, have you had him checked out)
Deciding what to feed ds for breakfast/lunch/dinner
Not living up to the mother I foolishly thought I would be as it is impossible

My child was throwing up from 1am.. she didn’t stop. I had 4 loads of washing to do and then by 5:30am she settled and I got 15min sleep before having to get up for a 13hr shift 😩

You can't go anywhere! Well you can but it takes 45 minutes to leave the house just for a 4 year old to put her shoes on and have a wee.

You end up spending your Sunday mornings in playgyms with other women you don't know linked only because they too have children the same age while your kids run around together at 'parties' you should be in bed.

Holidays in places suitable for children.

Beautiful sunny days not ending with me texting DH to meet me in the pub for impromptu drinking after work.

If you can't be bothered to cook you've still got to cook for the kids otherwise they run the risk of starving.

And the worry just evolves (my mum confirms this too) I used to worry about DDs weight gain as a baby, now I'm worrying about her at school is she making friends, just yesterday she said a kid put some craft stuff in her bag so now we're worried she's being picked on, are kids going through her stuff etc... Etc...it never stops.

Poo. A lot of parenting seems to be around discussing poo.

And it's much harder (for want of a better phrase) to have the peace and quiet to have relaxed sex!

On the other hand, our two light our whole house up with their fun, laughter, warmth, witty comments, intuitive behaviour and kindness.

Why does it take so long for a wee and shoes on? Just curious! Can’t you put the shoes on and take them to the loo? I’m asking out of genuine interest, never has to look after a little one for more than an hour!

Because they "help" and you have to let them so they'll learn to do it. It makes a 30 second thing become a 5 min thing sometimes, or more.

Also because they're constantly distracted by something.
"Oh look mummy, a fluff on the floor, oh look it's a red fluff mummy, wow. Need to hoover mummy. Oh wow look mummy a bird just flew past the window, did you see mummy? Did you? Did you? Did you see bird? Did you? A bird!
Oh yes, shoes on now, oh wow mummy did you hear the cat meow?
Right, shoes, oh look mummy I have yellow socks on...." And so on.

And they're just soooo sloooow.

Why does it take so long to have a wee and get shoes on?

Well, you suggest its time to go. They "just want to finish this..." and take 5 minutes to put the Happy Land people back in their beds.

They argue they do not need a wee, while dancing and holding themselves, so you make them try. Somehow during this process leggings are completely removed and dropped on the floor, and they announce that actually they want to wear something else anyway. This is usually something entirely inappropriate for the weather, often from the dressing up box.

You either let them wear this item, to save time, and because you have already argued about 3 million small things this morning already, or you argue again, and get them to change. Pick your battles.

Next you are finally ready to get shoes on (it was about 20 minutes ago you made the first suggestion) and they wont let you help them because "I can do it myself!" but this results in the child having shoes on the wrong feet. You persuade them to change them, but they somehow manage to repeat the mistake, so you have to wrestle them off and put them on yourself. This is met with sulking or a tantrum.

You are about to leave when the child realises they NEED to take a specific toy with them, one that has not been seen for some time, and you suspect may even have been lost. You lose the will to live and offer them a biscuit if they will JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE NOW.

45 minutes after the initial request to leave, you get out of the door.

It is not always like this, obviously, but factor in the fact you put your phone down somewhere when you were searching for the second sock which the child was wearing just 10 minutes ago, but has somehow been removed and discarded... and you cannot for the life of you think where your purse is (it is in the toy kitchen, having been used as a prop for a game played earlier, obviously) it all adds up.

I'm not sure really but it does. She gets distracted, she wants to do it herself, she wants to show me she has pink socks on so takes a shoes off, she's got them on the wrong foot, she wants to wear boots if I've got my boots on but she's put on her trainers, oh oh her socks don't feel right so shoes are off and she's in her bedroom getting more and we've started all over again... Etc... So you get a bit chippy 'come on DD' then the tears 'I was going fast, I didn't like you saying come on!' that's before you've even started her having a wee, then there's coats, then she's wanting to take her doll but won't carry it, she wanted her green hat not this blue one, where's my sunglasses Mummy? (No matter that it's snowing) etc.... And this is all done at a snails pace! We tease her that she's an actual sloth.

A toddler is like a miniature drunk with a personality disorder and an aptitude for sabotage. But they live in your house. All the time.

Classic.

Should be printed on t-shirts or something for new parents.

Babies grow up.

Teenagers are a constant worry. They don’t socialise enough. They socialise too much. You want to encourage their independence but you don’t want them to be wildlings, hanging around on street corners and getting into trouble. They are emotionally immature but convinced that they know everything about everything. Infuriatingly headstrong but still so vulnerable.

Bl@@dy hard work. Non stop 24/7.

If you think your baby/toddler drives a wedge between you and your partner, try parenting a teen (or two, or three). They will push you to the edge and back again. Multiply that if any of your teens have MH issues.

Family life is wonderful but it is not a cakewalk.

Admitting that you regret having children is such a huge taboo that many people find it impossible to admit to themselves, but it is far more widespread than we realise.

Having kids is not the be all and end all, it doesn't bring universal happiness and the good doesn't always balance out the bad. I've know several people who told me that, if they had their time again, they wouldn't have had kids.

DD was born 8 years ago. The first few weeks were a dawning realisation that I was now responsible for keeping this little thing alive. It was a pretty scary time. Then she developed reflux. The next few months were spent with a screaming ball of non-sleeping fury who just vomited all over me ALL THE TIME. I kept on at HV and GP and was treated like a loony first time mum. Finally ended up in hospital when she was 3 months old with suspected meningitis. It turned out she had reflux and a UTI and an allergy to J&J baby bath. A week spent in the hospital with her getting intravenous antibiotics and medication for her reflux and we were back home. Back to ZERO sleep - she woke every 40 minutes all night and would only drop off I sat upright in bed with her on my chest.
Doctors remained unhelpful. We were back in hospital when she was 6 months old with another UTI and by then she was starting to refuse milk altogether and want to eat only puree. If the puree had the first hint of a lump she'd projectile vomit it ALL and then refuse to eat for another 4 hours. We were referred to a dietician and given more reflux drugs. She was underweight, still not sleeping and by 10 months refused to drink any milk at all. Even at age 8 she will only drink water (no juice, no hot chocolate, nothing at all but water).

At around 18 months the reflux went away but the sleeping was still a nightmare. By that point DH and I were considering getting divorced just so we could share custody and get a nights sleep each at least once per week. I could no longer drive as I was so tired I was dangerous. I have never felt so overwhelmed and exhausted.

At around 2 years I finally fought her into her own room. It was a dreadful experience for both of us but it reduced her to around 3 night wakings a night and meant I could finally go back to driving. She was still underweight and her eating was still very abnormal. Dieticians weren't massively helpful and the GP was worse than useless.

At around 4 years the sleeping was mostly fixed but the weight was still a problem and now she started suffering from repeated tonsilitis, repeated nosebleeds, more and more weight loss, weakness, she was obviously very unwell. She was tested for leukaemia and was still in a buggy as she was too weak to walk. Evenutally I paid for her to go private and have her tonsils out as the NHS seemed unable or unwilling to do anything and I was genuinely concerned that she might actually die. Her tonsils were preventing her from eating at least 50% of the time and she was by then 16kg at age 5.

Thankfully the tonsilectomy went well and she made a good recovery and started gaining weight almost immediately. However all of this eventually killed off my marriage.

She is now 8, pretty healthy (although still slightly underweight but at least she can now walk, run, climb, dance, etc..). Her Dad and I are divorced but amicable. I love her to bits and don't resent a moment of the pain, fear, sleep deprivation, etc.. However no-one warned me that having a baby can be quite so much of an upheaval or could totally re-write every aspect of your life. There were no happy family cuddly baby moments. The first 2 years of her life felt like being in a frontline war against the reflux. It was hard hard hard. We didn't have anymore babies.

I don’t regret my children but they aren’t the only route to happiness. I do believe I could’ve been equally as happy and fulfilled in life if I had chosen not to have them.

I am 100% sure I would be less anxious, stressed and poor, if I did not have children. I would have better, longer, more enjoyable holidays. I would have more sex. Much, much more sex. I would eat what I want to eat, and not a compromise so that everyone is happy. I would be selfish about so many things! Sleep, time alone, time with friends, gigs, reading, TV... everything I do and every decision I make, is to appease a family of 4, not a partnership of 2 (or 1, when I was single) and while they bring me joy, so did all the things I listed above that I no longer get!

@Cath2907 from another reflux mum!!

You know how you think you're a pretty decent person? Flawed, but reasonably kind and sensible and pretty OK really?

When you have a baby, you find out the truth. You are not any of those things. You are a horrible, selfish, irrational collection of neuroses held together by gaffer tape and whatever crumbs of sleep you can snatch. Your body will want to defend itself violently against the wailing thing that is cutting off all your sleep and literally killing you. You will have thoughts that frighten you.

I love my kids and no regrets blah blah. But the illusions are gone.

Ok OP, do you feel better about not having children now? Is your desire for children completely destroyed yet?

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and have only just stopped vomiting.

I love my children but already had four when I had DH so we've never ever had s relationship with just us, where we can do adult things (my children don't see their dad).

I can't just "nip" anywhere.

I've only ever had one holiday with a boy (my honeymoon with DH), and I ended up having a miscarriage.

Haha I still want them!

But yes I think I have a much more realistic image of it. Social media is very deceiving and I honestly wouldn’t have thought of any of the things listed here just based on the posts on Facebook etc

When I MET DH* jesus!

I don't know if this is the sort of thing you are after but when my daughter was tiny she threw up. In my mouth. not envy

It's ALL hard - every last bit of it! There are lots and lots of highlights to being a parent but a lot of lowlights too!

Being touched out. Drove me nuts. And now she's 9 and some days I can't even get a hug.

And the guilt. Never feeling good enough. Never feeling like you get parenting right.

The constant and completely relentless worry. You never stop worrying.
My parents are 70 and 80. They worry about me, all the time.
The worrying is the worst.

Along with the terrifying responsibility, and the fear that you’re totally fucking up.
I have constant clench in my gut, the extent of the clutch varies.