If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

BipBipp

The nevereding relationship with your partner’s awful family at every significant moment in your child’s life of your year, including precious holidays.
The fact you cant leave your relationship when you want to any more.
The financial burden.
Your vagina is never the same again.
The neverending noise and mess.
The continual guilt that you have got it wrong with them sormhow and that last time you snapped at them about the yoghurt on the wall may have damaged them forever.
Did I mention the inlaws? I mean god they have opinions and rights and everything and some of those right are over what sort of christmas you have. Its a fuckingg nightmare unless you really like them already.
Worth it- although for me the inlaws and being trapped with a man after the clock chimed 12 and he lost his sexy capable adulthood and turned into a gaming, sulky, lazy teenager who had somehow sublimated an incapacity for domestic chores nearly broke me.
I difched man and inlaws. Now exhausted broke and every day is like Challenge Anneka but happy. Choose. The. BabyFather. Carefully.

Ninecoronas - possible Olympic sport??

LISTEN TO @adamanera re the father. Better off on your own than a man-child who will suck the joy of life from you.

There's so much shit/poo here that surely it deserves it's own thread
I remember fondly the day one of my DC's delivered a huuuge perfectly formed one on the sand whilst we were all pointlessly trying to relax on holiday - those were the days

It never gets easier. The crap just snowballs and I get immune to it.
A decade as a lone parent and I sleep less than I did when they were toddlers, back then they went to bed by 8. Now I'm lucky if they've stopped arguing and dicking around by 10pm.
The worry is worse the older they get.
95% of parenting is stressful or downright horrendous.

@holdmygirl your post made me absolutely cry with laughter.

The guilt. Guilt that I’m failing them miserably and I’m screwing them up. I have regrets over things I did / didn’t do pertaining to them and it’s a physical pain when I think about it. I should have done this, I should have been more on top of that.

The worry. They’re teenagers and I thought the older they got, the less I’d worry, but it’s not so. I worry about their futures and I sometimes wonder why I was so cruel to bring them into this world. I feel guilty then and think that maybe I shouldn't have had children at all, and then I feel guilty for thinking that way. A week and a half before 9/11, I found out I was pregnant with DS1 and on that awful day, living as I did 60 miles from Hell, I was terrified for my baby’s future. Didn’t stop me from having another one a few years later, though, oh no.

The tiredness. I'm an older parent, heading into menopause with teenagers, and I’m tired. I love my kids to pieces, but sometimes I’m selfish (and feel guilty for being selfish) and I want to be responsible for just myself. Just me.

Did I mention the guilt?

Pregnancy (currently 38 weeks with second)
*It says every bit of energy out of you
*Giving up “you” for a whole 9 months
*Giving up being asked how YOU are, but how is bump.
*it feels like it will never end
*The pain, before any labour etc
*The realisation that you, and only you, are responsible for this babies welfare. You are the one that calls the shots on if something is wrong. Blocking out the “oh I’m sure it’s fine, they are just being lazy today” trying desperately not to look like a crazy person but knowing you need to go get checked out for your own peace of mind and then feeling like a total unconvinced.

NEWBORN

• realising who your friend real friends are - turns out I don’t have any.
• constant worry - are they breathing? What’s that mark? Is that a rash?
• sleep deprivation
• memory loss from sleep depravation - how many scoops of milk did I put in? When did we last feed him? Is the poo a normal colour?
• embarrassment - won’t stop crying in public - what do I do? Going into a baby class on your own.
• making mum friends - making sure they aren’t areaholes, competitive etc
• losing who you are - you are a mum and nothing else, we’ll that’s what it feels like at the start
• loss of freedom - no longer being able to go out when you when or where you want. The amount of shit you have to take with you. It takes FOREVER to get ready to leave just to go your weekly shop
• resenting your partner/families

TODDLER

• are we doing enough stimulating activities with him?
• is he a spoiled brat *are we too strict
• mum guilt about doing anything for yourself
• lack of couple time
• lack of babysitters *lack of trust in anyone to look after your child
• do they watch to much Tv
• get too much tablet time?

I could go on but you get the jist.

On top of all of that, it is the most wonderful thing in the world, I suffered PND and now through the other side I can honestly say he amazes me every single day, he makes me laugh, makes me mad and makes go all gooey just watching him sleep! I really did think I’d ruined my perfectly happy life when I had him (very much planned and wanted pregnancy) but I wouldn’t be without him.

Now to get through the trials and torbulations of a second baby, hopefully avoid PND this time round and not let the mum guilt eat away at me that current DS will have to share me forever.

Oh and potty training...I have had more shit on my hands/clothes in the last week than I have in my entire life. What is life when you have to shout “BYE POO” whilst said toddler is pushing one out to make him feel better!

He is very cute whilst shouting “bye poo” though!

What about a sperm bank op? You could get pregnant without an actual man you know
Although I know a woman who decided she wanted a baby but there was no man in the picture so she slept with loads of men until one got her pregnant
Not ideal - for many many reasons

Anyway it’s the relentless slog I found worse - it’s never ending 24/7. Every single day
They want feeding nappy changing and attention even if your ill or struggling with horrid pmt/ period pains or whatever
Being unwell is a luxury when you got children

I always assumed i’d have a child, but the urge was never strong.
I’m married now, but the longing only kicked in over 40, too late.
I’ve had one miscarriage, but I’m taking the hand that life dealt.
I know I’d be a good mum, but i’ve seen my friends do every stage!
In your case, yeah you might meet a guy, but make plans for a baby.
My priority was the relationship, but I do still wonder about a baby...

My first didn't sleep through for 5 years. If you add on the disrupted sleep of pg, that's nearly 6 years of broken sleep.

PG was awful too. I spent most of it puking or fainting.

Only bring viewed as mum despite being pretty damn awesome before they came along.

The constant noise. Like constant. It's this that's really got to me. Side effect of being an only child.

The touching. I love a hug but sometimes I don't want a 3 year old and baby on me touching every limb and fidgeting non stop.

No Relaxing holidays
No spare money
No laying around watching Netflix
No lay ins
Sleep depravation
Surrounded by competitive parents
Feeling like a shit person when your kids misbehave
Labor!!!!
Never just leaving the house
You’re basically spending shit loads of money to be someone’s slave

I adore my DC (I have four and might have another) but the thing I find hardest is the loss of identity, I have been consumed by the children..

Friends and family come over to see the baby, not to see me, even DP loves me more as the mother of his children than he loved me for me. I feel invisible when I'm doing a good job, only visible if I fuck something up!

Being the emotional regulator for everyone around me is hard. I'm pretty good at it now (eldest is 12) but sometimes I would like to feel a negative emotion without all hell breaking loose!

Motherhood can look great in pictures. The reality is something completely different.

The way your body changes during pregnancy (not for the better), people thinking they can tell you want to eat/wear/buy/do, the lack of sleep - feeling like you are going insane because of it, the relentless drudgery of it, the COST, the judgements, the lack of freedom for the next 16 years, saying goodbye to your career, the mess, the worry, the sleepless nights, the way it ages you 10 years in 1 year, boredom, stress.

I am always amazed that people have more than one child.

I know it wasn't your main intention op, but thank you so much for this thread. It's the most simultaneously hilarious and reassuring thing for a new-ish parent to read.

My youngest dc has behavioural issues and she’s broken this family... my eldest dd is a bright, kind and lovely child, she’s now gone into herself due to my youngests behaviour. She is only 7 and will lie, steal, be violent towards me and her sister. Won’t be long before she’s excluded from school, god know what we’ll do then. And god knows what she’ll be like when she hits the teenage years. She really has broken me. I thank god im divorced from her father, because at least I get eow free. It’s a horrid thing to say but given the chance to do it all again. I wouldn’t.

And for those that want to know, we’ve got every available ‘body and group’ involved with her to no avail.

Me and DH chose to be childfree and seeing my friends' lives with children and reading threads on here boy am I glad we did.

Lots of my friends say if they could go back in time they would not have children even though they love them to bits. Quite a few blame the breakup of their marriage on having children. Almost all my friends with children are divorced, some on 2nd marriages, some on 3rd and two on 4th!

All my childfree friends are still married (first marriages) and seem happy. I am sure that is not a coincidence.

The stories of what having a child does to your body are awful and I have enough friends who have to wee almost every 5 minutes to know they must be true. Not it's not age because at 65 I don't need the loo all the time nor do I need to get up in the night.

Most of my friends have grown up children and lots of grandchildren and the worry and problems still don't stop. One friend's son is in prison, one friend has 2 grandchildren who take drugs, one ended up in hospital last week because he overdosed.

Honestly hearing my friends talk about their children and grandchildren on the whole just depresses me

Why oh why did I read this thread whilst I'm pregnant. I'm so scared now :(

I found having a non sleeping baby and jealous toddler EXTREMELY hard.

A little (true) anecdote: whilst she was in the sixth form, dd1 had a fantastic Instagram account, lots of followers, looked like she was living the life. Reality was that she was lonely and bored at home, rarely went out and most of the places she showed on Instagram, she went to them with me and her younger sister.
She is at uni now, having a whale of a time. No longer bothers with Instagram. Moral if this story: what you see on SM isn't real. Be honest, who's going to post a picture of their new top, covered in baby vomit, or the bags under their eyes, caused by sleep deprivation?

That said, my children are the best thing that ever happened to me. From what you say, it seems you have two options: wait until you meet Mr Right (no, you're not too old), or look into the idea of going it alone. Scary, but think of the number of women who end up in that position anyway. In the meantime, try to live as full a life as you can, not just half a life.

Gosh I can’t believe all the people saying similar things!

It has certainly made me think twice when looking at that perfect family set up. I still want children but this has definitely shattered the social media illusion, thank you for being so honest

Sorry to hear you are not where you want to be OP. Keep the faith.

In the spirit of balance, here's my flipside to social media perfection.

A toddler is like a miniature drunk with a personality disorder and an aptitude for sabotage. But they live in your house. All the time.