If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

You can’t make everything right for your baby/child/adult-offspring. Nor can you destroy the people who hurt them.

You can never stop....never just stop and be. There is always something or someone needing something.

Impromptu trips don't happen....first because they're a baby and going through some sort of phase, now they are older and there are clubs, teams, rehearsals etc

You can't go anywhere without stopping for the loo or a nappy change. Multiple kids equal multiple stops - god forbid they need to go at the same time.

A meal out with kids is just not the enjoyable thing it once was- for a start you can no longer afford the nice restaurant, then you realise how much better it is to go to the quick one, then you can't have a bottle of wine with the meal because you have to drive all these kids home again....

But seriously if you want a child have you thought of adoption? You don't have to be in a couple to do it.

The sleep deprivation is definitely the worst thing for the first few years. My reflux baby nearly killed me, I was spasming, hallucinating and having a serious breakdown. There's a reason that it's used as torture method.

It's relentless, there's no days off. If you're ill you just have to get on with things even if all you want to do is curl up and watch Netflix.

I miss just popping out to get milk. Now it's a 30 min process.

Also bra shopping. I really really need to get measured but DD will either kick off in the changing room or just open the door for everyone to see me

Now I’ve had our DD I absolutely love her to bits and wouldn’t change this situation for the world, however...

I’m 36 next month (this is my first) I am so utterly lonely. My two best friends are the same age as me, one is in a relationship of a year and wants to start trying for kids next year, and the other absolutely wants kids but hasn’t met the one yet either.
I miss these two lasses. And all the other child-free friends I’ve left behind.
Of course we chat on WhatsApp and see each other maybe twice a month or more. I just miss going through the same shit with two exceptionally wonderful women. When I’m with them I’m constantly thinking when is a feed/nappy change/nap due, and I have to always leave first. They love my DD so much and it makes me love them all the more.
It sounds like a minor thing to miss, cos they are still in my life. And when they join me in motherhood it will be the absolute bestest! It’s just a lonely old world in the thick of it, so relentless like it will never change and I’ll never have that soul to soul ‘same stage’ connection again.

So I can draw a parallel to your situation OP; you could meet the future father of your kids tomorrow and be pregnant before Xmas, and likewise I could meet a mummy best mate of my dreams tomorrow. Things change in a heartbeat, it’s just hard to keep that in mind sometimes isn’t it.

Nits. Worst thing ever!

The sleep deprivation.

I remember when ds (my 3rd) was a newborn and I was watching the news; someone had been sentenced to a few years in prison, and I actually envied them (sleeping, meals given to them, no newborn to keep alive, no older DC)

Hell, with some of the horror stories here it's amazing anyone ever has kids! Yes, there are tough times, but worth it. Follow your dream if a baby is what you want. Don't let the cosy pictures on Facebook upset you though, everyone knows Facebook is mostly bollocks.

It's relentless, there's no days off. If you're ill you just have to get on with things even if all you want to do is curl up and watch Netflix.

Being ill when you have kids is hideous. DH and I had norovirus at the same time as the twins and I just wanted to lie still with my eyes closed rather than holding a vomiting toddler over the bath while I threw up in the toilet.

I miss my freedom
I miss spontaneous nights out
I miss holidays spent wandering from bar to bar
I miss Sunday’s spent in bed with the newspapers
I miss having a bath in peace
I miss having plenty of cash to spend on myself
I miss free time
I miss my career
I miss being able to watch the tv I want on a Saturday morning
I miss going on walking holidays
I miss going out dancing all night and then sleeping the next day
I miss my figure
I miss my house staying tidy
I miss my friends
I miss a good nights sleep

Before I had a my DD I had occasional days where I was less effective, productive, polished, focused, efficient etc now that is my default mode. I am always a little bit less good at myself than I was before because I'm putting most of myself into her, not into...myself

The worry. Suddenly you have a very real "worst thing ever" that could happen. Your child could be sad, lost, sick, kidnapped, murdered or simply vanish and you'd never see them again. And that doesn't stop when they are sixteen or eighteen or thirty.

People often picture a "perfect" family of healthy, neurotypical, smiling children but the reality is often very different. Additionally, many people have children with additional needs and then there is an extra layer of worry about how the world will treat them.

The constant worry.
The constant guilt.

This isn't just the early years, it's life-long.

Cfmagnet - spot on

Mine is - you except to get pregnant, wait 9 months, give birth then take your healthy baby home. That doesn't always happen. You could have a premature birth, a still birth, your baby might become ill after birth or be born with life limiting disabilities and suddenly your life will tilt on its axis and you'll be on a path you can never get off.

Slightly more light hearted- the shock that your kid is always there took some getting used to. Like 24/7.

Parent Guilt
Wanting to have 1 hour peace without doing something responsible and not to feel guilty. I manage to do a heap of ironing last night while dp watched lo. That's was my time, but I was ironing!
I do get the occasional bath where lo is plonked in with me, but then it's hard to cut of from the noise and when it's to quiet you know lo is asleep having a nap 30 mins before bed!
Also, at times I hate my dp just because...

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum,mum, Mum, MUm, MUM!!!!!!!

Are we nearly there yet X a katrillion

Can I have

I want ...

Feet stamping

Tantrum for any reason

2am feeds

Functioning with very little sleep for 20 years

Bank balance is sucked the life out of

When you think you've got rid of them they'll boomerang back.

Finding the person you want to grow old with, love with everything you have and deciding to start a family with them For them to tear yours and your children’s lives to shreds when they decide that family life isn’t really doing it for them any more and they want to ‘upgrade’ to a woman 12 years younger with no kids, no ‘having carried and birthed his two children’ body, no wrinkles or stress lines from 13 years of sleep deprivation and, well, stress. So you go it alone, which is never what you signed up for, while he parties like a teenager and re-lives his ‘lost’ youth. Because as amazing as having children is (and it is), it’s not always fun, or spontaneous, or sexy, or exciting. It’s routine...lots of routine.

Add to that a premature birth where I almost lost my first (along with my own life), her spending the first 6 weeks of her life in hospital 20 miles away from me and then my son also being poorly and spending his first week in hospital. Guilt. Guilt about what you do, what you don’t do...guilt always wins.

Of course it’s all worth it or people wouldn’t have kids (or certainly more then one) but it’s bloody hard and your whole life changes forever.

You never ever have complete peace of mind. There's always something big or small & it's hard to keep it all in perspective sometimes. Facebook feeds insecurities & you never know the full story. Might be an idea to have a (long) break from it. I'm very glad it wasn't around when mine were babies.

Currently having to deal with the minefield of nearly teenage friendships for a daughter with autism and barely any friends to start with. It's heartbreaking.
It was no fun being teenage me but this is far worse.

OP it is horrible or wanting a baby and not being able to have one for whatever reason. It can be so all consuming and overwhelming. I have been there in a variety of ways (infertility, stillbirth, miscarriages, IVF, etc).

I now have a 2 year old who has never slept more than 3 hours in a row. He has nights where he wakes up screaming every 45 minutes, and I come close to walking out the front door and never coming back. I have no time to myself, no space for my own thoughts. I don't have the energy to see my friends or do anything I used to enjoy. I am obsessed with sleep. It is all I think about most of the time. I feel so tired I want to throw up. I look 100 years old. I spend my weekends at children's parties and playgrounds where the other parents talk endlessly about the salt content of breadsticks, and wring their hands over screen time and potty training methods, and I am so bored and tired I want to bury myself in the sandpit and cry.

The trouble is, when you are longing for a baby,
all the shit bits of parenting are just not relevant - they belong to another realm of thought and feeling from the one you are stuck in. You are not making a rational list of pros and cons. You are yearning. The worst thing for me when I wanted to be a mother and wasn't one was the sense that I didn't enjoy my freedom as I was so ready to be encumbered.

It is hard, OP. Look after yourself.

Even simple things, like just popping to the local shop because you forgot to pick up milk become a whole ordeal. Have to either spend ages getting a squirming child ready or just not go. Then it's either wait for partner to get back, or just go without til tomorrow if you're single. So no coffee or tea!

Everything revolves around them and their routine. So, you want to go somewhere next Wednesday? Better make sure it's between nursery hours. Your friend calls you for a spur of the moment meet up? Nope.

When they're in a buggy going anywhere is annoying. Trying to fit it into places and it isn't as easy to walk around people blocking the pavement. If there are works on the pavement, you'll just need to cross and then then cross back over after.

Then when they're out of a buggy, constantly keeping your eye on them to make sure they don't run into the road to pick up an amazing leaf they've just seen or whatever.

Nappy changes seem constant sometimes. As does the feeding.

There's lots really!

My body is ruined. Look at some of the threads about birth injuries. Stretch marks, stretched tummy skin that hangs like an apron, incontinence, numbness from surgery... the list goes on. Before I became a mum I didn’t realise that you have to sacrifice your body. Some people are just lucky and their body mostly returns to normal, and some people (celebrities) have lots of help and plastic surgery and expensive treatments. But the vast majority of people’s bodies are an absolute mess after childbirth.

Also you’re trapped at home. No fun holidays. No nights out with your partner. No drinking because you’re in charge of a child. You can’t even have peace to read a book or watch tv. Motherhood eats up your money and your time. Your days of having fun are over. For many, the cost of childcare means their careers are over too.

And the sleep deprivation! It literally makes you insane, and so bad tempered and miserable that you do nothing but argue with your partner.

I love my son but he’s taken absolutely everything else I enjoyed in my life away from me.

Totally touched out.
I can’t stand it. 3.5 whose constantly talking and wanting cuddles and a bf 18m ish.
I’m permanently on edge. My sanity is slipping.

Completely incapable of having a shit or a shower without another person in the bathroom with you, or shouting muuuuuuum through the door if you do manage to lock it before they enter!