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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

190 replies

Hollyboat · 13/03/2019 18:01

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

OP posts:
inthedistanceIsee · 13/03/2019 19:25

When your life hits the shitter it is really, really hard to turn things around again with kids. You have so many fewer options and its much harder to implement the few options you do have (if you have any). I heard a woman on the radio said that sometimes her mum, a single parent in India, when she was a child, would shower her with affection and tell her how much she loved her,other times her mother called her her ball and chain. Whilst that is a terrible thing to say to a child, I totally get how the mother felt. My life is hideous now, not because of the kids, but having the kids mean I can't walk away and rebuild a new life.

If things turn to crap with their father you are still stuck with having him in your life till they are grown.

If things aren't going well with your kids you aren't happy either - the worry and concern for them is overwhelming. I can cope with regrets about my own life, the regrets I feel for bad decisions that I have made that have affected my children is unbearable.

I love my kids - they are the remaining part of my life I actually genuinely enjoy. But if I could go back in time I wouldn't have had them. Because when my life collapsed - being responsible for them, meant there was no way out of it.

ninecoronas · 13/03/2019 19:26

All of the above plus...
Today I have had to catch two giant turds in my bare hands Envy

Sunshineandflipflops · 13/03/2019 19:27

My kids are 11 and 13 now but I have just come off fb for similar reasons to what you have said. I am now a single parent and the ‘happy family’ posts on there when my kids are with their dad have made me feel so down recently.
I would strongly recommend ditching it, at least for a while, for your sanity.

Nuvanewname · 13/03/2019 19:30

Completely incapable of having a shit or a shower without another person in the bathroom with you, or shouting muuuuuuum through the door if you do manage to lock it before they enter!

God, yes, this! Last week, I was in the bathroom for 5 mins with no interruptions so I knew mine must have fallen asleep or something. Got out and was obviously correct. It just doesn't happen! Even when people say if they've gone quite 5 mins they're up to something, even that won't last long, they'll spend 5-10 mins on their destruction and then go back to "muuuuuuum"

HarryHarry · 13/03/2019 19:32

Never getting a day off, never having time to yourself to just do what you want, never being able to just tune out, never being alone. Everything, even just popping to the corner shop, becomes a huge mission that takes forever! There’s also always so much stuff to carry! It is utterly exhausting!

Having said that, it’s so worth it, so I hope you get to do it too Smile

Ilovepinkroses · 13/03/2019 19:32

Would also add everything everyone else has said but as some others have touched on never also assume you will have a ‘healthy baby’.

I had both mine in my 20’s but they each have rare genetic defects not terrible but not minor either. Just luck of the draw. Which has made getting back to work harder with extra doctors app etc.

Just something to be prepared for in the all round picture of being prepared for parenthood.

cricketmum84 · 13/03/2019 19:33

@ninecoronas I'm sorry but that gave me a good giggle 😂

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/03/2019 19:36

It’s relentless. You go to bed exhausted knowing that you have to do it all again tomorrow. I have two and the baby won’t sleep til 11-12pm but the older one often wakes up at 6am so I get no sleep and no time to myself. Once they start school they’re constantly catching colds and vomiting bugs and nits and pass them all on to you. Sometimes they scream just for fun and nothing will shut them up. You have to deal with huge amounts of poo, and frequently get peed on. They pick their nose and eat it. They always prefer the other parent.

Bomato · 13/03/2019 19:36

The days out... You're knackered after as you can't relax and enjoy it really. Constantly watching them making sure they are safe, worrying about food, nappies, behaviour. You can't just switch off and enjoy.

MumUnderTheMoon · 13/03/2019 19:37

It is very overwhelming to be responsible for another person. My dd is 11 and I still check her in the night to make sure she's breathing just like I did when she was a baby, but you don't need to be in a relationship to be a parent. You could adopt or foster as a single person. I think every negative on here will be followed up with "but I would never be without them".

TreesoftheField · 13/03/2019 19:38

No money
Having to constantly visit relatives who moan if they don't see children regularly enough.
Pressure to find job with family friendly hours but worthwhile pay
Eyes opened to how sexist the world is
Feeling guilty for bringing innocent children into what looks like a terrifying future

costacoffeecup · 13/03/2019 19:40

If you want a baby nothing anyone says will put you off. That's why people have more than one despite knowing all the bad bits! I have a four year old and a seven week old. Baby stage is hell on earth. You just wish for it to be over. On the plus side it makes you appreciate how much easier it gets as they get a bit older.

They get sick and it's really stressful. You never know if you're making the right decisions about their health when they're ill and you always immediately think about the worst case scenario. The responsibility for another life is hell. Also it somehow manages to be stressful and mundane at the same time. Imaginative play again? Yes please 😬

You never get any time to yourself to read or watch tv or whatever as you're constantly on edge listening for crying etc. Impossible to relax. Or sleep. You'll never sleep in the same way again.

You imagine maternity leave to be a nice holiday with lots of coffee and cake. It's not like that. Its horrible. You'd rather be at work, honest.

lisamac28 · 13/03/2019 19:41

Today I have had to catch two giant turds in my bare hands

Haha yep been there. Also caught vomit in my hands one day to try and save the rug...

costacoffeecup · 13/03/2019 19:41

Oh and they like to sleep in your bed. And they kick. And snore and fart.

Fatted · 13/03/2019 19:43

When you have a c-section, then get given iron tablets because your anemic and struggle to go for a poo because you're worried you'll push too hard and pop a stitch.

Feb2018mumma · 13/03/2019 19:45

Ripped open my vagina, wee myself when I jump or laugh, saggy boobs, lost my friends, no longer want to leave the house, baggy tummy for life. My step mum met my dad at 43, has had two lovely girls. I know you probably hear lots of stories about later in life love, but it does happen. Sometimes when your not looking Flowers . Also if you don't find a man, I have a friend who hasn't found anyone in her late 30s, with no man or kids she now has 3 holiday homes, she literally worked and saved and now has the best life! Lots more in life except children to focus on (I know it's easy to say when I have a baby, but just want you to feel happy and positive)

BlatheringOn · 13/03/2019 19:46

Looking back at the happy photos of days out with our ds I remember that behind the scenes we were often totally exhausted. Cosy nights in? I couldn't watch a whole film on tv for years because every time I sat down in the evening I fell asleep! Facebook is an alternative universe. (Also had DS at 39 so still plenty of time OP).

1moreRep · 13/03/2019 19:47

love that scares you to the point you constantly worry

ElliotBoy · 13/03/2019 19:48

They're not babies for long and they're yours forever. Once they hit teen angst you'll be googling Dignitas

LondonJax · 13/03/2019 19:51

Much as I adore my DS I do miss some things from my 'pre-DS' life.

Like:

Just being able to say yes to an evening out without having to check with DH that he's not working late. Same goes for him of course. Because someone has to be home with DS.

Going on holidays that involve a lot of walking. DS is 11 now but when he was a little younger a few miles was his limit. DH and I used to enjoy hill walking or just going for a nice long walk at the weekend. With DS we had to drive part way as he couldn't finish the walk or wouldn't without a major tantrum which takes the edge off the fun. Tantrums didn't happen often because we try not to put up with them but it's not something you can anticipate and once it happens, that's it for the day. Moment gone. He was too big to carry by that point (as we could when he was a toddler).

Having to watch a family film on a wet Sunday afternoon when you really wanted to watch something creepy or more intense or a political drama sort of thing.

Eating out is child friendly. Not always McDs but not a very posh restaurant as DH and I would go to on special occasions because it had to have a kids menu. If we could afford the posh restaurant on special occasions we had to factor in a baby sitter and find one so it couldn't be a spontaneous 'shall we see if there's any room at x's tomorrow night?' Even going for a curry or Chinese meal was out really as DS, until maybe the past year or so, couldn't eat any of it so if the restaurant didn't do 'English-y' food we were on a hiding to nothing. So we'd get a take away and DS, give him his due, would try a little bit of whatever we were having whilst he had a different meal.

Definitely lack of sleep in the first few years. DS woke three to four times pretty much every night for the six to eight months, then went to twice a night but was up at 4.30am every day until he was three years old and went to nursery. And I do mean he woke early every day. Weekends mean nothing to young children. Even now he's up at 5.45am every day, no matter what time he goes to bed. I used to be the same when I was eleven. I'd be unable to sleep, get up and watch TV with my parents until 10.30pm - bet they loved that - then got up at 6am every day. Which is a short range of sleep for a child really. Even now I don't need more than six hours sleep. That changed when I became a teenager and wouldn't get up until mid day at the weekend - which caused a different problem!

Being an only child we try to encourage DS's friends to come over to play. Which is fine but the noise is horrific. So you get the respite from putting on a family film on that wet Sunday but then you have the noise of a force 5 hurricane charging around the bedroom when DS and his mates get going!

It's the spontaneity that I think DH and I miss. Getting home from work and deciding to go out for a drink in the pub and grab a bar meal instead of a proper dinner. Or ringing each other at work and saying do you want to stay in town this evening and eat out. Or, on a Thursday saying 'how about seeing if we can get a B&B room on Friday night and driving down to the coast after work then back on Sunday afternoon'. It can still be done but it involves planning and has to take homework into consideration.

Only being able to go on holiday in school holidays. Which is fine usually. But if you want to go somewhere weather dependent (like ski-ing or a far flung place) and that weather is best in mid March, you're at the mercy of the school approving the holiday during term time whereas when it's just adults you can go anytime you can get annual leave. Plus it's cheaper outside school holiday time - a big bugbear of mine.

So nothing insurmountable and it's worth the effort (life would be much, much worse without DS in it). But Facebook will only ever show you the little cutie in the pretty dress or the first day at school photo of the smiling boy. It doesn't show you that the little cutie has been sick on the first dress, thrown a tantrum because she can't wear mummy's shoes and has just tried to shave the cat. Nor that the smiling boy was wiping snot from his nose on his sleeve 2 minutes before the photo because he was panicking about school. Plus he woke half a dozen times during the night worrying about it or that he almost knocked his baby brother out last night when he whacked him with his box of Lego in a fit of temper.

VelvetPineapple · 13/03/2019 19:52

My dd is 11 and I still check her in the night to make sure she's breathing just like I did when she was a baby

Haha I mentioned this to my mum and she admitted she still does it to me when I doze off on her sofa. I’m 40 Grin

sar302 · 13/03/2019 19:53

Sleep deprivation is torture.
My vagina is fairly ruined.
Our previously adventurous sex life has gone to pot, because see above.
It's constant. You have no idea how constant "constant" means until you have a baby.
One of my friends is off skiing, the other is in the Maldives. We have no holiday plans for the foreseeable future.
The cost.
Toddlers are frustrating to the point of madness.

But you still have time if you want still want one after this thread...

BertieBotts · 13/03/2019 20:01

Honestly being tied to a shit man is the hardest thing. Having to watch them let down your child over and over again. Worrying that they will inherit their worst qualities despite your efforts. Being blocked from moving on in life with a new relationship, career, house move, etc. Worrying that your ex's risky behaviour will be incredibly inticing/"cool" to a teenager. Having the early years marred by a constant feeling of a "failed trust exercise" as you try to lean on their support but find yourself on the floor over and over again.

Have a baby or don't, but never ever have one with a shit man, or someone you know briefly enough that they might be. If you really want to do it and time is running out, look into your options for going it alone, I'm serious.

RoryLeighGilmore · 13/03/2019 20:01

Awful PND.
Baby with silent reflux that screamed for the first year of their life with barely a break.
Sleep deprivation is torture.
It's relentless, thankless, exhausting, all consuming. I can only now appreciate just how much being a parent takes over your life mentally and physically. It can be so, unbelievably hard.

I wouldn't change my decision to have children if I could do it again, but it is never all rainbows and butterflies.

Melonwater · 13/03/2019 20:02

I think having children runs your body down and makes you more prone to ill health and chronic disease. Not to mention injuries from pregnancy and childbirth.

Amongst my friends the ones who are mothers have a range of health issues and the non-mothers are a lot more healthy.

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