If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

Once they hit teen angst you'll be googling Dignitas

This x1000. Not even joking.

And it ages you. So enjoy looking younger for longer.

Sneezing and laughing hysterically become risky activities when your pelvic floor goes to pot. Don’t even think about trampolines without a Tena lady.

You also become ‘mum’ That is your new identity as soon as your baby is born you are forever referred to as, “baby’s mum”.

Well, today my toddler took his nappy off and pooped on top of our dining table...

Oh, toddlers are dicks. I saw one in the park the other week screeching and stamping his feet for an ice cream, which he then threw on the floor and carried on tantrumming. There's just no sense to toddlers.

For me it’s been urinary incontinence an my time not being my own.

The thing I struggle most with is the difficulty in 'popping out' anywhere. All trips anywhere involve me having to put on 3 pairs of shoes, 3 coats and getting 3 bodies in the car and strapped in all to get a fucking pint of milk. A job that could take 5 mins, turns into a half an hour round trip.

I really take for granted the days when I had to freedom to just walk out of the house, jump in the car and do whatever I needed to.

Also, feeding them is the bane of my life. But really rather important

You realise all your faults when you become a parent.

This can be very, very alarming.

You don't just magically change over night and become that perfect parent you think you will be. You're still you.

Honest worst is when your little bundle of joy isn't quite what you'd expected. Mine, who I dearly love and obviously wouldn't send back, was different from day 1. He has Autism, ADHD and dyspraxia. He also has a very high IQ. He has flappy arms, a floppy long neck and now is a giant 6ft fifteen year old.

I didn't have a full nights sleep for the first twelve years. Then we started sleep medication. After so many years of not sleeping initially I had to check several times a night, then when I did sleep through the night for the first time woke in blind panic that he must have died for me to sleep more than four hours continually.

He goes months of not managing full time in school. Any day to day activity like going to the supermarket is challenging - he can't be left. Who knows what the future holds but he won't be off to uni at 18 when he can't yet answer the phone of cross the road.

I will be supporting him for the rest of my life.

As with many parents of disabled children my big fear is then what happens when I die.

Things I wasn't warned about:
A 3 day induction
Birth injuries
The resulting prolapse and likely corrective surgery
The sleep deprivation. For the first 6 weeks he would not be put down. We took it in shifts to sleep.
(although at 3 months he thankfully wakes just once at night so I generally get 6-7 hours with a feed in the middle)
How flipping expensive baby groups are!

Things that didn't go to my plan*:
Breast feeding
Not co sleeping

*I (we) have been very laid back since day 1 so actually it hasn't been bad. We were under no illusion that baby dictates everything which really helped us adapt.

It's tough. Just when you think you've cracked something, they totally change the game. But it's so worth it. We're currently torn between do we have a second in the future, or do we put everything we have (time/money/energy etc.) into this one?

So much standing around in the wet and cold - parks, school playgrounds.

Lose any ideas of doing lovely arts and crafts or baking... its 5 minutes of the DCs attention and a shit load of cleaning up.

The sheer exhaustion, relentlessness and boringness of most of it. Day after day of it with no let ups.

Those FB posts are truly a snapshot, the few seconds everyone actually is settled, the pre- and post time of those pics is usually carnage of one sort or another. It's honestly better to get off FB or hide the rookie posting those photos.

The dependency. Nothing prepares you for the idea you have to keep a helpless person alive 24/7, that the buck stops with you. The guilt. It's constant.

Holidays are mostly awful for the first many years.

Oh god, the ageing. I look like absolute shit. Knackered, baggy eyes, seem to have lost extra weight from my face whilst retaining the mum-tum, and my hair is in the worst condition it has been, ever.

I loved pregnancy, I felt so shiny and bouncy and full of life, so excited to meet my baby and become a family. Now if I see a pregnant person, I want to tell them to enjoy every second left before the time bomb that is their baby arrives. I want to scream: “this is the happiest you will ever be, you will never be this happy again”. Instead I colude with this mass deception and say nice things about how exciting it all is, blah blah blah.

My wonderful husband and our rock solid relationship have massively suffered. We argue, sometimes I hate him, and there is so much less affection. I never, in a million years, thought this would happen to us.

I was beyond desperate for a baby, had a really hard journey to get here, and yet I have spent quite a bit of time thinking I should have just made peace with being childless instead. I do absolutely adore my DD, and there are many happy moments, but I feel absolutely exhausted by the constant grind at the moment!

Wow these responses are eye opening and so honest! Thank you. I think it must be wonderful to be a mum, but these things would never have crossed my mind with how it is all portrayed on social media.

I’m so surprised at some of the things mentioned, like why you can’t wee on your own for 2 mins or how long it takes to leave the house!

Lovely bits:
When they give you a love and cuddle or when they do it with each other
When they're asleep
When they're out
When they do something well and are proud of themselves

Crap bits:
Arguing
Mess
Being skint
No time to yourself
Strops and tantrums over fuck all
No laying in
Having to cook 3+ meals a day, whether you like it or not
Planning & looking forward to a day out but it being spoiled by arguing and stropping
Looking after them when you're poorly
Poo, poo and more poo

Mine are 11 and 13 and it still takes forever to leave the house in the morning, meaning I never get to work when I would like to.

“We’re leaving in 10 minutes, are you ready”?
“Yes”
“We’re leaving in 5 minutes, are you ready”?
“Yes”
“Time to go”!
“I need the toilet/my bag isn’t ready/where are my shoes”?

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!

I love my boy with all my heart.

...but.

I feel I cannot switch off. Always on high alert. Since he was born I feel like I'm always at work. Even when he goes to stay at Grannies I can't seem to chill out. My sense of focus is all gone and I hate leaving the house as I'm afraid of judgement from other mums or something happening to him. I'm not sure if this feeling will fade or if this will be me until my deathbed!

MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMM CAN I HAVE

MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMM I'M HUUUUNNNNGGRRRRYYYY

MUUUUUUM MUUUM MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMM

No personal space. No eating without someone climbing on you, OR rushing it while they nap, OR worrying they're going to wake up mid-dinner. You can't leave the house with just your keys and purse anymore. If baby is in bed, you cannot go anywhere. They do not sit still, ever. They cry about not being given sweeties for breakfast. They break your stuff and aren't even sorry. I am fat and stretchmarky and very ugly. I was so tired at one point I was hallucinating. Relationship with dh is completely different. I had pnd and I wished I was dead every day for about 8 months.

BUT the upside is when you're a grandmother - a long way on, I know! You get to give them back afterwards! You offer to help because you want to, and the parents love you and are grateful. The dgc loves you, you have interesting chats with the dgc, little arms round your neck, a bit of babysitting maybe?

Oh and watching fucking bing bunny

And my dd has a tantrum every time I go for a wee 👍🏻

The constant worry is a big one for me. They recently started nursery for two mornings a week and I imagined leisurely mornings in bed but I can’t switch off. I’m terrified when they get sick (traumatised by months in nicu), my whole life right now is dealing with their multiple diagnoses... I am an anxious wreck and now on medication.

But my currently non verbal son tried to say mama today, so it’s all worth it

It's the worry that is the worst. It's unrelenting. I live in constant fear of something terrible happening to my children. It never stops.

Feeling constantly touched out when I’m with them, then guilty when I’m not. My relationship with Dh has taken a huge hit. Not enjoyed a holiday in last 7 years (although been in many all in U.K. mainly with rubbish weather). The constant huge mess. The massive expense of everything. Not being able to prioritise my wants. The feeling of having to negotiate with terrorists! Getting ready to leave the house. Sometimes struggling to pursuade/enforce kids to leave the house (even if they’re going stir crazy). Them constantly wanting me to play which I find mind numbing especially as they are at very different ages/stages so don’t want the same thing from me. The chronic lack of sleep. Not being able to toilet/shower on my own (today my son plus 2 dinosaurs came in when I tried to sneak off for s shower). The needing eyes in the back of my head to stop my house from being destroyed. Their lack of attention span. I could go on- they are great great kids, love them utterly, so many compliments from teachers etc but I still struggle so much!

Today my 3 month old shitted up to his neck and down to his ankles. I can’t fit into any of my old clothes and probably never will.