If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

1. It's relentless.

1. The anxiety. You'll worry about them from the second you find out you're pregnant. Last year we dealt with surgery, complications from surgery - meaning being blue lighted to hospital, febrile convulsions - another ambulance, various illnesses including chicken pox (had to sleep sitting up and holding him because he couldn't settle) and the rest.

I love him beyond anything. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and quiet the worry.

The fear. The fear that if something happened to them, you would die. If you had other children you would have to carry on, but you would be dead inside forever. I find that fear very hard to live with.

Never, ever forget or under estimate that the cute little beautiful baby can turn into a 15 year old who (even though you've spent £££ on guitar lessons and guitars and listened to him shout at his siblings for interrupting his practice of the same fucking section of a red hot chilli peppers song for months) doesn't invite you to his first gig. And then goes on to invite his 'cool' dad who has never gave him more than the most basic parenting and has never spent more than 48 hours in a month with him. notbitteratall

Parenting is endlessly disappointing. You'll be disappointed in any partner (I'd counsel you not to bother) you'll be disappointed in your DC's at some point, but mostly you'll he disappointed in yourself as you will not be the mother you want to be, it's impossible. So just get comfortable with that

@Melonwater a very good point! My child free friend was appalled when I had "yet another" cold this year. She feels her superb health is down to the extra vitamin D she takes. I feel it's down to the fact that she doesn't have a toddler sneezing directly into her mouth at any point 🤔

Facebook is a lie, or at least mine is. It's nothing more than a front.

My children are smiling in every photo I post - they look adorable and life looks perfect. They're not and it isn't. I don't post photos of the tantrums or meltdowns, the exhaustion & mess. As other posters have said, it is hard work, expensive and relentless.

It takes a while to leave the house. Explosive shits. Really loud crying, which breaks your heart, especially when you can't figure out what's wrong. Loss of identity to a certain extent. Relationship can be strained due to sleep deprivation or differences of opinion on parenting. Money worries for the future. Ah look, despite everything it is the best thing I have ever done.

Its relentless, its increasingly expensive, constant guilt, the whining, the whinging, the bickering,
I wouldn't be without them but my God it's hard work!

*Sleep deprivation
*Wrestling to get clothes on a baby so you end up a sweaty mess
*Constant nappy changes
*Not being able to relax for very long without needing to get up for bum wiping/drink/food/referee duties/tears.
*once lovely home becomes such a mess you start to ignore the door to avoid shame
*endless dishes
*endless piles of clothes
*getting back-chatted or ignored
*being accompanied to the toilet
*relationship issues relating to who is doing their fair share
*sleeping on your side on the edge of a king size bed with no duvet so little one can sleep star shaped
*guilt about career
*cooking food from scratch that gets completely wasted then arguing on the landing at night when you catch them sneaking down for crisps or cereal
*the challenge of teeth brushing time
*the challenge of hair washing time
*being so exhausted that any free time is spent lying down
*the boredom of sitting in kids parties
*the worry that they are in trouble if you can't physically see them in the soft play
*the emotional pain of another kid hurting them and treading a fine line of either giving them independence and risk something bad happening or being a helicopter parent who's child ends up lacking confidence
*they take all your money and time
*your everymove from the moment they are born is dictated by them (no sponteniety ever again)
*all the luggage
*the shit it does to your body
*endless worry about the future
*homework
Basically your whole life now belongs to your little darling, but the moments of joy and love they bring you will heavily outweigh all of the above (well, hopefully )

Sleep deprivation, poverty, losing my confidence and respect from others at work in a career I worked bloody hard to carve out, arguing with husband over petty things, no money, no time, hanging onto sanity by fingertips, not seeing pre baby friends much, haven't read a book in ages, havent been to cinema in 2.5 years, haven't been alone with DH for 2.5 years, but above all else the sleep deprivation is an absolute killer.

Aornishades, that is so sad to read. My own youngest DD suffers from acute social anxiety so she too struggles with teenage friendships but how much harder is must be for your daughter. I do hope she has someone who is kind to her

The sleep deprivation, I couldn’t even count to 10!
Children’s tv especially when the same episode is watched repeatedly
Dressing, nappy changing? Bathing all a fight and teeth cleaning you’d think I was doing him some harm the amount of screaming he does.
Remembering everything you need to go out
The poonamis I used to carry a full change of clothes for both of us.
Not seeing friends much anymore
Missing DP we just don’t spend much time together ( we don’t have the time to spare)
Fill your time now seeing as many concerts, films, exhibitions, read books, listen to music, go to museums, go and do spontaneous stuff I did and I met someone and had ds but I should have done a few more things before he arrived.

Lack of freedom and it's absolutely relentless!

I was like you and desperate for baby, my dp wasn’t so keen as he has a DS from a previous relationship from when he was very young.

I’ve worked some hard jobs, long hours and difficult situations but nothing prepared me for parenthood. I don’t think a single minute of any day for months and months was anything like I’d dreamt it would be. The sleep deprivation, the endless washing, ironing, hospital visits, crying.

It’s the best, at the same time and I’d never wish for a minute without them now, but Facebook is completely fake.

Life really isn’t like those Facebook photos. One of my Facebook friends posts continuously of her picture perfect life, her looking glam, gorgeous kids in gorgeous clothes, days out, cosy nights in but every time I ever pass her in the street or in the car, she looks stressed, shouting at kids and her Facebook life is just a lie! Justvwhat she wants us all to believe.

I survived for years on 4 hours sleep a night. Shitty nappies leaking up to armpits, kids with sickness and diarrhoea all night, toddlers that wrap themselves in the curtains and shit- seriously they’ll shit anywhere! The endless questions, complete lack of disregard for your personal space, privacy, mental health (more than 1 and they’ll bicker constantly).

If I had my time again, I wouldn't have children. The absolute massive responsibility you have for them, total loss of freedom and self, the sheer enormous expense, the noise, the environmental impact, the arguing. Imo, children are very much overrated, especially on Facebook, Instagram etc.

Threadworm. Withholding poo. Drifting off to sleep again just for them to wake up and cry again. The tiredness, oh my god the tiredness. The feeling of guilt of trying to balance everything and feeling like you're not quite doing anything right. The weight of knowing you are responsible for instilling morals and good behaviour in a future adult. And getting it soooo wrong at times. The lack of freedom to just drop everything and do something - from nipping to the shop to going away for the weekend. The guilt of wanting time to yourself. And threadworm. Again. I despise it. But my kid gets it. All. The. Fucking. Time.

Hi OP, I only have a toddler, so can only say from my experience motherhood can be lonely, exhausting, frustrating and painful at my worst. But i love it, even after quite a while of not.
If it helps, I had a plan B at 35 of heading to my dads , retraining as a pre-school teacher & having a baby via donor insemination. But oddly a solid year of ruthless dating just to be sure ended in love & marriage with a FWB (not saying happy ever after because he can be a total arse) so there are plenty of curveballs you may not expect. I’m now 39 with a nearly 3 year old and pretty surprised by it all!

One word - teenager

Hi Op

I am mum to one and I do love him to bits but...

DH would love another and I’ve said no! In fact I’ve resisted for 14 years!

The photos on Facebook don’t tell you about the:
Sleepless nights
Feelings of isolation
Stress and worry about babies health and well-being
Loss of freedom and inability to do what you like
No holidays!
Less sex!!
How generally tired and lonely you feel
Etc etc

I’m not going to lie...I never enjoyed it. I love my child, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I still yearn for couples holidays and noisy sex.

Iliveinsalemslot

Guilt guilt guilt/mis-handling or failing to take seriously childhood 'issues'/certain aspects of teenage years/bone-crushing fatigue at various times throughout the years/total inability to find 'balance' with work & family time - leading to misery for all... (you DID ask)

Much joy at different times in different ways... but - regrets? I have a few...

Wot seeline said - a few times over

@Dancingtothemusicoftime thank you. It's so hard for them :( And you can't pick them up and make it all better any more.

They never shut up! I have 3 that are of speaking age, and I love to listen to them but they all talk at once and it drives me insane! And on top of that we have a baby who spends a lot of his time crying. They also never sleep, I’ve only just got the big ones to sleep and now the baby is crying again. I love them very much but on nights like this I do miss my child free days, I’d just like a break for one night

HoldMyGirl - drastic measure (prison) but yep, sleep deprivation

OrigamiZoo - agree totally