If you’re a mum, tell me the hard things about? I’m faced with all the Facebook highlights and it is making my longing for a baby even worse

[Hollyboat]

I desperately want a baby but haven’t even met anyone yet.

Guess I am looking for the things the Facebook highlights don’t tell you, to try and get some perspective

When I had my first child, it first dawned on me, properly, that I was now responsible for this person's mental and physical health, wealth and happiness. And that if I didn't manage that, or something happened to me, that had the potential to ruin this new person's life.

That's the main drawback for me. And these days I'm kind of with the people asking themselves if they should bring a new person into a world we've basically ruined by our existence. Though, that is on Facebook.

How old are you, though, anyway, and when you say "no-one", do you literally mean not a single person so far, or just no-one suitable?

Thanks for your reply. I’m 34 (35 in December) and single. I don’t want a baby ‘because everyone else has.’ I just want a baby. I always have. So I’m trying my best to meet someone!

But it is hard watching everyone around you showing the cosy family nights in and wonderful days out.

The sleep depravation and hallucinations.

I have had a day from hell - my (unexpected) twins who are 2.5 and both have ASD seem to have hit the terrible twos overnight. Screeching, stamping tantrums, made worse because they can’t talk or understand words. I love them to pieces but I am absolutely broken down.

Sleep deprivation. If was four years of broken sleep. 2 years on four hours sleep followed by two years of broken sleep. She Still won't settle without me.

The mental exhaustion from above. I'm a single parent and get 24 hours respite twice a month.

Juggling work. School stuff and kids activities and making a life for my self isn't an easy balance but I committed the children to their hobbies etc so suck it up.

I'm sure their is more. You quickly forget as you move through stages. Breast feeding bloody hurt. My first labour as 52 hours. My second was 4.

There is no escape you are always on duty. But it brings more joy than tears. So far. Ask me again when they are grown up.

The complete and utter lack of freedom(unless you have a good support system round you).

It’s not all cosy nights in. Those pictures are taken in the 60 seconds the kids are settled on the sofa. It’s sleep deprivation, constant washing, constant ironing, making meals, getting drinks, fussy eaters, toddlers making a mess, plastic toy crap everywhere, cleaning up sick, wiping bums, wiping faces, kids waking you up at 6am on a Sunday, doing homework, repeating yourself a million times a day etc etc.
Then they become teenagers.

So tired all the time. Sleep deprivation is a killer.
Weight gain.i can’t get rid of the bloody ‘baby weight’ (probably because it’s toast and cake weight really)
Voices. So many voices demanding attention.

Oh yeah. Look at my username. Blood sucking vampires, they are.

Never sleeping again (well I’m talking years) and all that goes with that.

Spontaneity flies out the window the second your newborn exits your vagina. No nipping to the shops for a wander, no popping to the pub for a few drinks whenever you fancy it, no last-minute weekends away booked on a Friday afternoon. Leaving the house, for even the smallest errand, takes military planning and actual luggage.
Lack of sleep - you've probably heard about this but until you've experienced the relentless cry of a newborn (which, when it's your own, causes your breasts to ache and your stomach to tighten in anxiety) at 3am, when you haven't slept for approximately 32 years and your eyelids feel like they've been lined with sandpaper, you can't fully appreciate the effect it has on you.
The "well-meaning" advice..."Leave them to cry!", "Never ignore a crying child!", "Breast is best!", "Put a hat on him!", "It's too warm for that cardigan", "don't go back to work", "you'll go crazy staying at home" - it comes at you, unbidden, from every direction.

The competitive mothers you WILL come into contact with - whether it's through the NCT classes you wish you'd never stepped foot into, or at the weighing clinic (because yes, you must obsessively weigh your infant as though they are to replace the fruitcake at this years "guess the sodding-weight competition". Competitive mums will try to out-pain/out-speed/out-nature you on your labour, losing the "baby-weight" and all aspects of your babies development - "doesn't he hold his head up/roll over/read Shakespeare/shit Rembrandts yet?!"

The resentment. No matter how much you love your partner, you will resent them. For sleeping more than you. For not having breasts which no longer belong to them. For being able to drink wine and coffee without expressing milk for what seems like hours beforehand. For not having pushed an actual person out of their non-existent vagina.

There's a few to be getting on with

Voices. So many voices demanding attention

Oh god, yes I agree...the voices and the repeating the same things over and over, the never-ending questions of "would you rather..."

The guilt and worry. Guilt that you’re not a good enough Mum because you work a few days a week ... guilt that you’re not good enough at work because you’re only there a few days a week ...

But it is so worth it - would you consider going it alone? After years hoping she’d find someone to start a family with a single friend of mine has recently had a baby through IVF and is happier than I’ve ever known her.

Pregnancy, labour, birth. 90% of women who have a vaginal birth have some tearing, between 5 to 25% have fecal incontience after birth (UK figured) I have had one colleague die in labour and another whose baby died soon afterwards. I was very ill with spesis after my EMCS. This is before you get to parenting.

torn up nipples

I think what got me was the sheer unrelenting boredom of routines that need to be repeated over and over again. Nappy changes ,washing, feeds,washing,shushing to sleep ,washing ...always the fucking washing.
Trying to get things done with a velcro baby is difficult although slings help once they are able to take notice of their surroundings.
Not being able to get up and go without many ,many items that need to be packed and stowed in the car or buggy for even the shortest time out of the house. Having to remember all of the blasted things when you are on your way back if you've unpacked them .
And yes the sheer terror of being responsible for every breath that little person takes and every mouthful of food they swallow.

All of the above plus-

Strain on your relationship with your partner

For me, being the meat in the middle of two very different families. This wasn't so much of a big deal before dc came along but let's just say Christmas hasn't been without drama since ds was born.

The total lack of personal space and feeling 'touched out'

The ruination of what was previously a perfectly fine and healthy body. I am in pain every single day now and I'm only 28.

The loss of a lot of friends. I was the first of my friends to have a child and you really do find out who your true friends are after such a life changing event. Turns out I had two genuine friends.

The total lack of headspace

The general feeling of having a sizeable piece of your heart wandering around the world without supervision being all vulnerable and shit.

It’s forever. It’s unrelenting.

(And also a brilliant).

And they don't stay babies for ever. They start moving independently. They start talking, and arguing and answering back, and then ignoring. They start having tantrums, then you have a few years respite, and then overnight they start tantruming again. And you worry they haven't got friends, and then you worry about the friends they have got. And I don't think the worry ever stops.

DS2 has been getting up for the day at 3am. We have no babysitters because he wakes up screaming all the time. He's 3 in May and delightful but completely dominating my every waking hour.

Long term birth injuries

Be careful what you wish for! Sleepless nights, dirty nappies, boredom, not being able to go out for an evening, EXPENSE, Peppa Pig, exhaustion, that interminable crying noise, being sicked over...

Your time is not your own. They tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps but the hell of being woken as soon as you've fallen asleep over and over again means that you just exist in a state of tiredness and and waiting.

Breastfeeding really hurts if you don't get it just right. But you can't not do it because the survival of a himan depends on those cracked, sore nipples. And you feel as though to give him formula, you may as well go the whole hog and buy him a packet of Lambert and Butler. (I did get over that particular delusion)

Luggage. Always Luggage. And i'm quite a minimalist when it comes to changing bags. You feel like a carthorse.

Tidying up the same toys every day, multiple times a day. None of them every quite complete. Fishing bits from under sofas. Again.

Cleaning high chairs.

The baggy stretched tummy, and the choice to either accept it, modify your whole wardrobe to hide it or spend every day in control knickers.

People judging your every parenting choice. You noticing yourself judging theirs and being disappointed in yourself.

Total loss of freedom.
Loss of grown up holidays
Constant low level demands
Nothing you do ever bring good enough - I have 3 dc and the elder 2 complain about anything and everything.
Lazy weekend lie ins
Loss of spontaneity

The unrelenting, constant requirement for something from you, whether that be food/drink, attention, entertainment, clean clothes, more food/drink, answering of questions, more food/drink, more questions. Getting to the end of the day and feeling too drained to do anything for yourself.