Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

We had counselling a few times and dh was willing to carry on - we'd found someone who was ASD specific for the first time. But it came down to me asking myself if my heart was in it anymore; i sadly concluded it wasn't

A couple of questions I asked myself which helped clarify things:
Would I want my daughter (or son) to feel this way in their marriage?
Do I want to still feel like this in 5-10 years: still doubting but still not 100% sure about splitting

What is your gut saying? However, it is a massive trauma and highly disruptive to separate, so it does need to be the last resort I think. It's a bloody hard decision to make alone

My heart isn’t in it Moffa. I’m happier already. Only stressed when I see him.

Can I ask you ladies: are you still wearing your wedding rings? I think I’m going to take mine off. Xxx

Moffa?! @intents!

In fact I think I wrote anymore & it autocorrected 😂

I'm not cos I lost mine a week ago.

And no, honestly my heart isn't in it. If I could move out tomorrow I would. But I feel like I have to show him that I've tried everything.

Ive taken my engagement ring off and will take off the wedding ring when I move out. Not sure what to do with them though...worth a fair bit I think.

Hi everyone, just wanted to check in and say hello to you all. I'm sorry so many of us are going through a crap time.

My H is still here, still sleeping in the attic even though I have told him it is over. He won't move out until we sort out financials and child care arrangements so I guess that means we will go on like this (and worse when he realises I won't give him everything he wants)

I'm seeing our financial advisor tomorrow and the solicitor on Friday as he is demanding all our savings, half the equity in the house and 50/50 access to the kids. I just want whatever is fair and legal re the money and I will buy him out of the house but he is not getting 50/50 custody. No way lol. He is a functioning alcoholic in my opinion and it truly is not in the kids best interests to be with him half the time. A long battle ahead I think 🙄

Anyway, hope you are all doing well xxx

How’s everyone doing?

My H wrote me the worlds longest letter (in which he admits his behaviour is totally unacceptable) but just sent me a message saying he feels really positive

I told him I want to formally separate, be friends and co-parent our DC. Not sure what he took away from that to feel positive.

I think his ASD is telling him he is right & can sort this out.

X

Oh Moffa that's so tough. When you've actually made a decision too. I keep reading everyone's posts and thinking how brave you all are and how the heck did we all end up here!
I'm just existing in this house. Trying to keep to myself. I feel bad but I'm preferring it this way. It's very weird though. We are being totally civil but no kisses and hugs etc. Though last night I was a little unsure again. I think it's the fear of the unknown. Then I doubt myself and think I'll just coast like this until I know I'm making the right choices. Then I think omg I'll just end up like this and go back to the rut. Aaarrgh it's like a nauseating merrygoround. In some ways I wish my situation was really bad and it would make things easier. Maybe I should see a therapist. Just don't know where to start.

@gottobebrave I would recommend the counselling. I already feel stronger, more decisive, less sad, more understanding of the bigger picture - and that’s after just 4 weeks! Plus I have coping strategies (words, images, breathing techniques etc) that she has given me for when I feel overwhelmed.

I’m sure a therapist will help you figure it out one way or another 💜

H is being Disney husband and dad. Hes constantly trying to hug and kiss me, doing all sorts of stuff for me. It's a bit overwhelming tbh. And I still think I want to leave. Arghh.

We've found a counsellor with ASD experience and have an initial session in a couple of weeks.

My H wants joint counselling now. I asked him a few times in the past - I was desperate and needed help. He also wants hugs. I just think it’s gone on too long

moffa yes, it’s gone on too long.
He’s backpedaling (in my opinion) because he’s realised that having you around is quite convenient, for housework, childcare, someone on hand to talk at.........possibly sex?
Stay strong x

@Bluebell I think that’s right. He’s totally accepted blame, said his temper & vitriolic outbursts towards me are unacceptable and has come up with 101 ways he plans to improve his behaviour towards me. He is very persuasive and of course intelligent. I’ve made my mind up and although I wobble a bit with sadness & sheer magnitude of the decision I’m determined to stick to my guns. All being well we can be great friends & parents but only time will tell. I’m so nervous about telling him as I know he won’t take it well

Because Moffa, keeping you has become a “special interest” for him, in order to make his life easier.
Call me an old cynic.

I'm worried too Moffa. He's been the perfect husband and father. He's trying so hard. But I don't think he can keep it up and even if he could I don't think I love him anymore.

Tbf to H, it isn't about his life being easier. I believe that he is genuinely heartbroken at the idea of losing me. He emotion is real and I think he's genuinely angry at himself for getting to this point.

Yes @intents my H keeps saying that actual phrase ‘I can’t believe it’s come to this’ but why? He said I’m a strong personality & cannot be railroaded by him but it’s not totally true. I ended up at my GP with anxiety, depression and low self esteem needing a mental health assessment which then pointed to abuse. I need help & love and I’m sad he cannot give it to me or the children. I know he would like to change now he’s decided what a good husband does but I don’t believe he can change.

@bluebell I really think I have become a special interest. A few years ago this might have been welcome attention but now it feels almost aggressive. Arghhhhh! X

After all his good behaviour he tried to have sex with me last night. He wanted to show me how much he loved me apparently. I said no, I was tired (true) as well as you know not really feeling it. I think he genuinely can't compute the idea that he can do all the right things and not equal attraction.

Anyway he kept pestering and pestering, which is his pattern. Until I usually give in because I can't stand the pestering. I laid there last night while he masturbated over me, crying, eyes closed and tears pouring down my cheeks. He didn't seem to notice. I need to out. I just feel like I can't seem to make him see.

@intents I feel for you, that made me so sad. My H used to demand sex at will. When I once turned him down he slept on the sofa and sulked all weekend xx

Lurking here, as the beginnings of a plan are forming for me on this front. I hope that's ok. Moffa what kind of counselling have you found? There is such a mass out there and I would want to find the right person.

intents that sounds awful and abusive are you okay?

marl sorry to hear you're joining us.

Well, we're on "holiday" all together it was booked ages ago and I thought we could make a go of it. Big mistake. H and I are hardly talking and ds has been so challenging I already feel like a husk of myself and it's only the first day...

This is more than likely our last holiday as a foursome and i just feel so sad I have literally zero capacity to cope with ds behaviour and that isn't helping either.

I've had enough of this emotion rollercoaster and I want to get off now

Oh Misty that sounds hard.

The hard thing is, from the outside it looks like he is being husband of the year. So now when/if I have to say no I still mean this, I look like the bad person.

Everytime he tries to hug or kiss me I hate it.

Oh intents that situation sounds awful. Men are so oblivious some times just aware of their own needs whatever they may be. It doesn't make it right or acceptable. No-one seed what's behind closed doors. You know what is happening and that's enough.

I def think I should try counselling but just for me. Not couples right now. Like marl I wouldn't know where to start but today has been really bad with guilt, indecision, panic so I really think I need to get perspective and expert help. Any ideas ok the type of counsellor?

Misty sending you big hugs to get through the rest of the holiday. I feel for you.

Moffa you are sounding like you are taking control. Keep being strong.