Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Hi. It's a good day today although talking to dc this evening and dd (5) described it as "good because we'll still see you and bad because we won't see you together" although we are planning to have monthly outings as a foursome.

I'm just waiting to move out now...

Moffa that sounds hard if he wants to keep trying. Do you still feel it's hopeless?

Monthly outings actually sounds good. I might propose that as something we can do.

I’m up and down. I suspect that is normal. I know I need to soldier on but it’s hard with DC. H is now away for 5 days so I have some real space but he keeps messaging me!

How are you feeling? Have you got a move out plan? Glad DC seem to be adapting xx

Hi all. Sorry for the radio silence. Have been really struggling with the whole situation. Feel like I should wait until next year for dd and her exams then panic and think I can't wait that long. Have been talking to friends and that helps make me feel strong then as soon as I'm with my own thoughts again feel like I'm going mad and about to make the wrong decision. Just keeping out of H way which must be awful for him but the only way I can deal with it right now whilst I try and work out what to do. I think you are all amazing and it gives me real strength to read your experiences but some days I just can't come on here as I'm just struggling with it

Funny I can see where my head is just from the appalling formatting! No paragraph breaks and a long passage. That is so not me!

Apologies will try and add a few line spaces next time for easier reading

@gottobebrave it is so hard. And you’re not alone

Good to hear from you @got2bebrave and don't beat yourself up about not posting. It's the hardest decision you'll ever make I think and don't feel you have to apologise for taking your time or finding it hard

So I think h and I are now officially avoiding each other as we're trying to be out in evenings if possible and sitting in separate rooms if not. Last night was the first time I felt he was becoming a stranger as I tried to chat and he was distracted on his phone so i said, sorry if I'm interrupting and he said "well yes you are, but go ahead". It was a bit of a wake up call.

I really don't know what to do as we have a UK cottage break booked at Easter but it just feels too soon and I think if we can't bear evenings together, how are we going to cope 24/7 for a week?! But we can't get the money back and it wasn't cheap. And I really need a break not that it will be one... argh!

I get the keys to my new place soon but don't want to move out until it's ready for the kids so that'll be a week or so.

Got the keys today. Feeling full of cold which I could do without. It's a real head f#$k walking around this rented house. I don't even know where to start. This is so hard and so painful but I have to keep going. My head is a mess.

Keep going Misty. Surely it will get easier. We are here willing you on 💜

Thank you.

How did it come to this though? How did all our hopes and dreams come to this? Is it really worth it? Financially worse off, seeing the kids much less, back in rented accommodation - for what? Me to be happier? Is it worth that? Or am I just being selfish? I know I wasn't happy though, and we really tried to make it work. It's so bloody painful.

YES it is worth it. Being happier is worth it.

My therapist said I need to be my own best friend (i.e what would you tell a friend to do in your situation? I would tell her to run. Fast!

I’m thinking the next 6-12 months will be hard (I’m calling it my adjustment phase!) then I can live again!

Have you written down all the things that made you unhappy? I figure a quick read every now and then will help me avoid rose tinted spectacles!

Misty it will be so worth it xxx

Misty I have thoughts like that too, b. I I know from when he is away how much better I feel, it is worth it. I cannot live the rest of my like this. I'd rather be in rented forever.

I'm going to tell him this week.

Same here @intents - I also LOVE it so much more when he is away. The house is fun & relaxed.

Now I’m at my parents I’ve realised how anxious/stressed/depressed I’ve been. I feel like the real me is still here somewhere- slowly re-emerging. H is doing his best to bring me down but I’m feeling strong! Long may it continue!

How are you Misty? Xx

Hi. Not doing great to be honest. I've been ill the last few days but have had to plough on with everything so am nearing the end of my tether. And now it's the school holidays! I'm feeling overwhelmed with having to make so many decisions - and spend so much money - and I feel completely alone dh wasn't much use and made me doubt myself constantly, but I didn't feel this loneliness.

I think it's easy to think that the separation is the cause of all these feelings when in actual fact a lot of the emotional care wasn't there before. Like feeling cared for when poorly. He has admitted he's struggling too but for him it comes out cognitively rather than emotionally.

It's a big pile of shit, and I'm not loving renting again with all the compromises and lack of control that come with that.

I'm holding on to the hope that there might be light at the end of this very long tunnel

Oh and the financial stuff is all up in the air again after he was told he couldn't borrow enough for a mortgage if he's paying me spousal maintenance. I think we're heading for mediation
Is it right that one half of the couple will be relatively unaffected financially while the other half will be hand to mouth?? It doesn't feel right

No, and the court will look to have you both at a similar standard of living for children.

It isn't always 50:50.

Does he have some contact with the children so you get a break? That's one of the things I'm looking forward to.

We're all still in the same house currently... but it'll be 50/50 after I've moved out next week. I am looking forward to the breather went they're with him but there's so much to sort out before then. Not least about 50 hours of flat pack!

It will get better Misty this is just a shit bit.

I've decided I'm going to tell H tonight. He's been really affectionate (for him) and telling me he missed me. I feel like a terrible person. But I also can't spend the rest of my life this miserable so as not to upset him.

Hope it's not too awful intents be strong (er than me)

He's devastated. But I have to stay strong. Psychotherapy has shown my patterns of pleasing others even when it goes against my own needs and values, causing conflict internally and effecting my own mh.

@intents and @misty - huge 💜 to you both. Stay strong.

My H is refusing to accept I want to permanently separate. He says he will spent the next decade focusing on the DC and I and showing what a great husband he is. It was more like a threat really. Then I read up on divorcing someone with HFA and realising I have a mountain to climb. I thought leaving would be the hard bit? Thankfully my therapist is amazing so I can’t wait to ask her advice this week. Urgh 💙

Oh and he is writing me a letter that I have to read with an open mind.

He said he wished I'd talked to him more about how I was feeling. But I have. Over and over again. He wants the chance to try harder. He feels that once his diagnosis is firm he can ask for support and be more aware of what he is doing.

I am so sad, and I feel bad. But I still know that it's the right thing. I just feel horrible for the kids. Like there world is about to be split open and they have no idea.

Oh intents I know those feelings all I can say is expect a rollercoaster of emotions and make sure you look after yourself in these early days. My body went into shock and I lost my appetite etc. Be kind to yourself

He's written me a long email and asked me to consider counselling. He's accepting responsibility for his behaviour and not expecting me to forgive as such.

Arghhhhh. I think though that I don't love him anymore because of all that. Even though it wasn't his fault. But maybe I need to try for the kids.

@intents my H wants to go for counselling now too. After I had been asking him to go with me for a year & then ended up going by myself. I think when ASD is involved you need very specialist joint counselling- they will say all the perfect things to the counsellor and then revert to normal behaviour. I think it is almost impossible for them to change.