Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Hi @chillichutney SNAP - 8 years married and 2DC aged 4 and 2! It’s so hard isn’t it. We are in the same boat. Hugs & to you xxx

@Moffa sounds like a tough but positive move forwards? How are you feeling? Are your parents supportive at least?

Welcome chilli and sorry you need to join our little club your husband sounds very difficult. Take all the offers of support you get. You can get an order of spousal maintenance as an emergency for accommodation needs etc. Is that an option?

intents it's really tough when your child is also challenging and I know what you mean about wanting to run away from everything, not just the marriage. Over the last year I've worked hard at my relationship with my ds who is very challenging, and I've got to a place where I'm not shouldering so much of the guilt/blame for the difficult times. As for dh and I, as he pointed out recently, we've been in relationship counselling practically the whole time we've been together on and off! So it's never really been right. Can you get some respite from your dd to think things through?

Things are weird here. I imagine it's very stressful to have to leave in a hurry like a couple of you, but being in this limbo period is a bit like ripping off a plaster reallly slowly. And it hurts. So much I'm keenly aware of all the things I'll soon lose, such as seeing my children everyday. And this waiting period is agony. I feel stunned, in shock i think and in a constant state of anxiety/high alert. Plus side, it's wiping out my appetite and I'm losing weight! I started packing today. This is so hard. And I feel alone too as I think people sort of expect you to get on with it quite quickly if you initiate the split (mostly).

Hugs and virtual support to you all x

@IntentsAndPorpoises

Your description of your life with your child rang so many bells with me

Don't do what I did and not work and have no life of your own. I now have a 18 year old who after GCSEs refuses to go to school or do anything else.

I'm unemployable.

If you have the chance of happiness with someone go for it. Don't be stuck forever like me.

@Chillichutney1 we are nearly 8 years married too. Massive hug to you and well done for leaving. It's the hardest step but you've done it. I would say that you are far ahead of me!

I know what you mean re the crying. Yesterday he started shouting at me again and I felt a bit sad initially then I was filled with rage! I think I prefer the rage lol.

You can do this, you will surprise yourself with how strong you are. I just need to stop putting this off and do it. X

Now that I’ve left I feel like I need the momentum to keep going. I’ve written notes on my phone to remind me of what it was like as I tend to minimise and tell myself it wasn’t so bad after a few days. I don’t want to waver, it’s taken so much to get here, but I know lots of women who had to ‘leave’ a few times before they really did leave.

Towandaforever I feel like I am unemployable too, it doesn’t take much to lose your confidence once you have left work.

misty9 thank you I will ask my solicitor about this. It doesn’t help though that he was made redundant, I know it’s temporary and he will find employment soon, but I wonder how it will affect things in the short term.

Thank you all for the , wishing you all strength as well, this is the hardest part, hopefully it gets easier bit by bit

Thanks for the link @Misty9. I'm struggling at the moment to reconcile all my feelings. The only place I feel sane at the moment is the gym! So I'm hiding there a lot. I've been very unhappy for over a year. Had a conversation about it end of last year with dh. Then again more recently. Then yet again this weekend. I don't know what to do for the best. I just know I have this fab house, gorgeous teen dd, who has a wonderful dad who pulls his weight around the house when he's there. But I feel like we are friends or siblings. Drifted apart. Nothing in common. He doesn't feel that way. Is happy to trundle along. But even knowing how I feel things haven't changed that much and I'm frightened we will get stuck in this cycle. Then I'll suddenly realise how many years I wasted. Sorry I am still very confused and not sure how to move my situation on. I'm terrified about the impact on dd and the financial change. And because things aren't horrendous, I keep slipping back into unhappy routines. It's so sad there are so many of us.

got2bebrave you've pretty much described how I've been feeling for years too. I just decided I couldn't go on like that. I think you'll know when you know it's bloody hard though.

Feeling crap today. I keep sort of freezing and not knowing what to do or think, like I'm in some kind of shock. A very drawn out kind! It feels physically painful to look around and contemplate what is about to be lost. Especially when the kids are getting upset too

Hi everyone, hope you’re not struggling too much tonight. Today I’m feeling ok actually, I know there are hard times ahead but I feel confident I’m doing the right thing. No doubt that will come crashing down tomorrow! X

Morning everyone, how are you all today? I'm feeling strong and resolute today, on my drive to work I listed as many awful binge drinking Occasions I could think of and by the time I got to work I realised it was a bloody miracle we hadn't split up before now! I've booked Friday off work, the kids are being looked after and I have a solicitor appointment, a hair appointment, nails and a floatation experience. I am so ready to tackle this once and for all. We can do this, we are all stronger than we realise xxx

Hi slummy, having a better day today than yesterday, spent the morning at friends, so haven’t really had a chance to think about much. The whole way there I was thinking I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone but it was nice. H has the kids so it’s nice to get a break today.

Yesterday my siblings came round and we discussed options. How to make things work financially. It was an eye opener and quite distressing at times as we considered all options, staying in the house and getting lodgers (this made me cry), moving out and renting family house out etc. It seems I I’ve been living in cloud cuckoo land and need to think ruthlessly about my future finances

misty I went back to the house to drop the kids today and I felt such a sense of loss. So many plans around that house and life, all cut short now.

On the plus side my kids are young and they are easily distracted and having fun with their cousins every day! I hope you all have support in some form from family and friends

I'm feeling a bit better today. Went to the pub with a friend last night and had a cry so that probably helped. Can't wait to move out now though and get some headspace as being in the same house is messing with my head.

Misty I think crying it out is so good for you. I’ve cried so much I think that’s why I’m feeling ok - I think relief is mixed in there! I’ve been back to our house (trying not to say home) each day to walk our dogs but I have found it ok.

@slummymummy yes I think listing all the bad things is a great idea - keeps your resolve. Bless you though, it must’ve been awful.

@chilli I think facing the financial reality is tough. I felt my solicitor was a bit brutal about that to be honest! Anyway, saving as much as I can while at my parents & living in hope!

Kids seem ok. Haven’t broached it with 4yo yet. She just thinks we are having sleepovers.

Got to see stbxh on Sunday for mother’s day but I’m REALLY hoping we can move forward as friends. However I need to remember that I’ve had a few months (or years) to make this decision but he was happy as he was!

Saw a friend today and I really think talking it out is helpful. We talked about lots of other things too & I just felt better afterwards. I’ve got my 3rd psychotherapy tomorrow so am looking forward to that. I have told stbxh about it now, and about the fact that my mental health assessment directed me to the domestic abuse team etc. He wasn’t that interested though!

Hugs to all xxx

How's everyone doing? Does the prospect of the weekend fill you with dread or joy?! Things feel a bit less painful here as it all continues to sink in. The kids are struggling but that's to be expected.

Dh is ill so it'll be a weekend of child wrangling for me - good practice!

My parents are out, kids in bed so I’m having my first night alone & it’s fine! I realise night after night won’t be so easy but I feel ok tonight. I had a lovely day with the DC today & I’m feeling positive about them & how little an effect this will have on them at their ages, mainly as they saw so little of H anyway.

Got to see him on Mother’s Day though so hope he isn’t going to lay it on thick!

Good luck this weekend Misty

Evening fellow leavers 😂 so I've just told my H that I want a divorce. It went better than expected...still awful but I am so relieved I have finally done it. Am under no illusions that it is going to be tough but I am glad to have it finally out in the opening. He wasn't aggressive or frightening, just angry and upset which is understandable. Thanks for your support everyone. Hope you are all ok xxx

H pointed out that he's been trying hard this week. I agreed but this is the cycle, I get upset and say its over, he tries hard for a while, but can't keep it up. And it starts over. I don't want to live like that.

It looked so sad when he realised I was still considering leaving, that it wasn't enough that he been doing more this week.

@intents I feel like my life has been like that for so long. Me proclaiming unhappiness, him promising to improve. Repeat to fade.

I talked to my therapist about it and she said it was like being trapped in a web. Either you can stay inside it or decide to fly away but the web itself won’t change its structure.

I think it’s a problem once you see the behaviour pattern because you know it can’t really change (especially when ASD is involved)

Met my H today as he wanted to take DD shopping for a mother’s day gift. It was all pretty fine & civil. I’m still hoping we can be friends xx

Good to hear things are going well for people. I'm really up and down. Had a fairly good day then felt more melancholy as the afternoon wore on; lost my rag with ds at bedtime and ended up crying in bed. Sigh. It's hitting home now that my marriage - and relationship with dh - is over, and that's really sad I'm noticing a shut off of warmth and emotion and feeling quite alone.

Mothers day tomorrow. I've got the kids while he takes a present to his mother and we lose an hour's sleep!

Had a tough time last night, dropped dc off at home and came back to my sisters without them. I have had plenty of time away from my dc, out with friends, on holiday etc, but this felt so different. Am questioning if I can be without them for so much of their lives. Struggling this weekend. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t (leave). Sorry to put a downer everyone

Hope tomorrow is better misty

I'm the Autistic one in our house and I often wonder/worry how hard it is on my husband 😔

@WeMarchOn, I think if H had been diagnosed sooner ins our relationship there might have been something to save. Perhaps an awareness of why he behaved in certain ways, as well as him employing strategies might have helped.

Instead I think part of what has led to this is the long term damage to me of behaviour that didn't have a reason, and so simply seemed abusive. I know it isn't his fault, but I'm also finding it really hard to forgive the hurtful things.

Hi all. Another tough day here with crying and packing. We always suspected about ASD for dh (it's part of my training) but he just isn't capable of making the changes necessary. We've tried for a long time.

The kids have settled down for now but I'm feeling a bit broken. It'll be easier when I've moved out and have space to lick my wounds a bit.

How's everyone else getting on?

I had a long chat with my mum today. She's very supportive and clearly think me leaving is the right decision. I feel much more positive about it. H is going away for work tomorrow for 3 nights and I can't wait! I feel bad that he doesn't know, but I'm trying to organise seeing a solicitor first.

But I feel ready.

How’s it going @Misty?

@intents I’m glad your mum is supportive. I started therapy & saw a solicitor in secret before I moved out - for me I needed to get all that information while I still had freedom to ponder it all in my own time. So I would recommend it. I had a 2 hour appointment and it lasted 2 hours. Money well spent. to you - this is hard but glad you have a few days on your own to think it all through. Good luck

H wants to have couples counselling, stay together for the children, be a better H & father, come in earlier from work, he loves me etc etc. I feel numb, like it’s all too little too late for me xx