Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Oh @Misty it’s so shit isn’t it?

I was surprised your H was so good with the kids (you are lucky & I hope it stays that way). Mine is a total non-parent & there are lots of safe guarding issues. I don’t think he’ll have the DC overnight until they are self sufficient so I will need to facilitate a relationship between them.

I think you just need to keep on top of it & make sure the kids are happy and keep all lines of communication open with them?

Yes conscious Uncoupling is really interesting. I think I’m going through the range of motions by myself thinking this could be possible but actually it’s going to come as a huge shock to H so he’ll be 3 months behind me! But on the other hand I’m thinking his ASD might mean he doesn’t have an emotional reaction.

If there comes a good time to talk, I’m going to try. If he goes mental I’ll have to revert to plan A!

Thinking of you

My dh has an assefor ASD in a few weeks. My dd has ASD and they are very similar.

I talked to dh this evening. I cried a lot, he sat very neutral as this sort of conversation is almost impossible for him.

He says he doesn't want to lose me, he's sorry but he wants me to be happy. The hardest thing was despite all my tears, and talk of him trying harder I realised I still want it over. And that makes me feel really guilty. Because if/when I go ahead with it he is going to be really hurt.

Hello everyone, would you mind if I joined this thread please? I'm starting to plan for separation and trying to find my way through all of this. I haven't discussed any of this yet with husband, but we have been sleeping in separate rooms since mid January.

My situation is that he was/is a binge drinker, my life has been a roller coaster for years. It all came to a head at the beginning of January when he got drunk alone and woke me up at 5am by smashing up our kitchen door in a drunken rage. I threw him out and he stayed with his mum for a few weeks but he insisted on moving back home and is trying to fix everything and is being super lovely. I can hardly talk to him, having him in the house is making me feel anxious and constantly on edge and unhappy. I know he is manipulating me but I still feel guilty for being the one to initiate the split.

I was meant to see a solicitor yesterday but they had to rearrange the appointment. We have 2 small kids 5 and 2. I earn more than him and want to buy him out of the house but I need to get organised because I think this is all going to get horrible and scary.

I hope you are all ok, hugs to anyone going through this too xxxx

Hi @intents - well at least you’ve had the conversation- that alone terrifies me. I think it’s good you still want it over - hopefully it shows you’ve made up your mind. I’m wobbling all over the place right now.

@slummymummy so sorry you find yourself here too. All I can say is seeing a solicitor was great for me (not financially as she warned me I’m going to be hard up!) because she framed things differently and made me see I don’t need to be on the attack. I think my body has been fuelled by adrenaline for so long I’m in fight or flight mode and actually I can TRY and do this with respect, pride & dignity intact as much as possible (will keep you posted!)

I think in this thread we are all in the position where there isn’t anyone else involved, we are just unhappy in our marriages. Let’s hope this does mean we can leave as kindly & fairly as possible. Urgh - I’m dreading those conversations xx

PS @slummymummy I have kids of 4&2 but I’m hoping doing this now means less long term damage to them xx

Hi to newcomers - all are welcome, I'm just sorry you're in the same boat.

slummymummy that sounds scary when he smashed the door. Do you feel safe?

intents well done for having the conversation, that sounded tough. Dh and I got that far last summer but agreed to keep trying until recently. If you know, you know, I think.

I'm feeling crap today. Just really flat and down. Feel like I'm boring people now - it's mostly my choice so I should just suck it up. I'm fed up with telling people too, and having to deal with their reactions. A few I've told have left me feeling a bit judged: that I'm being selfish to put my happiness first it doesn't help that I'm shattered as not sleeping well.

Discussed finances with dh again this morning and it got a bit ugly. Every time I think I'll be ok financially it feels like he pulls the rug out from under me again. He thought spousal maintenance was instead of me getting more equity... the way I've read it though it's as well as. His fault for earning so much money! moffa how come your solicitor said you'll be hard up? Does your husband earn a lot?

Urgh. Need to shake myself out of this fug. We have to stay on good terms for the sake of the kids.

Oh Misty9, I can only offer to join you in a grump. I'm just in a bad mood, no real reason.

@slummymummy, I hope you are OK and safe. You don't need to feel guilty. You are making a decision to feel safe, which you have right to do. It's not being selfish to acknowledge that we deserve to be happy and secure.

I've chatted to a few friends, and one in particular is adament that I should do absolutely everything to stay for the kids. Including reminding me that everyone's relationships are a bit pants. Others are bit more supportive.

I don't really know how to go back to our conversation from yesterday and say, we'll actually I do want out, even if you don't.

Thanks so much everyone for the messages, sorry you are all going through this too. I haven't said anything yet re formally separating...I genuinely think he thinks I am being ridiculous and overreacting still being angry. I think I do feel safe as it was so out of character (the violence not the drinking) and he hasn't drank alcohol in the house since.

But you're right. When you know you know. It's still so sad though.

I have good days and bad days but cry in the car on the way to work most days! It's the only time the kids aren't with me.

I think this is so hard, but harder still to stay I think. Hugs to everyone xxxx

@IntentsAndPorpoises that's crap re the friend who keeps telling you to try again. As if you haven't tried and tried and tried. I don't want to generalise but I do think a woman will only make the decision to leave when she feels it is utterly hopeless. I know I probably stayed about 2 years longer than I should have done as I thought I could fix him!

One thing I would say is I have now found some amazing friends who have either gone through or are going through divorce and they are all so so strong. And they all say it is so much better to be on your own than miserable in a bad relationship.

I can actually understand friends saying that - because they clearly do not understand how awful it is being married to someone you don’t want to be married to! X

What contact arrangements do people have in mind?

I think we can afford for one of us to move out and rent. We have joint debt too. I'm wondering about offering to keep the debt for some of the equity in the house.

I'm worried about having to have a second conversation where I tell him that I do want to separate. He's been on his best behaviour, even took the kids on his own to meet his parents without a single comment or complaint.

I've had a lovely day on my own and just reinforced that I want to do this. I genuinely don't want to hurt him though.

@intents I think I’m going to play it by ear with contact. I can’t imagine he will want them overnight but if he does I’ll work with it. I’m going to make it very easy for him to see them regularly so hopefully we can sort out a weekly dinner or something. My solicitor advises against going for a residency order as he could see it as inflammatory and fight me and if the courts get involved I might not like the decision and it is hard to change it once that is done. So I’m going to try my best to keep that friendly and I think he’ll see them in a Sunday. He works 14-16 hours a day so unless he does a 180 anything else seems unlikely. She did also warn some previously uninterested dads do turn in to Disney Dad when this happens so we’ll see!

Our finances are quite complicated, he has structured a lot of our wealth within his business. We both have assets that we had pre-marriage but he has higher value assets. I’m hoping to walk away with a small home and spousal maintenance but my solicitor seemed to think I’d have a much lower standard of living. My DC are young and I work PT. Once they are at school my earning capacity will increase so I’m not too worried - and I can cut my outgoings easily.

How about you? X

Initially thought 50:50 because I don't want to take him away from kids. He is pretty good with them. But I don't know if he'd cope. He could do overnight, so maybe the old one weeknight and every other weekend.

The issue with finances is we have equity in house but also debts. I can't afford to buy him out of his equity and he me. And he hates renting, it was a big reason we bought a house so quickly. But if I have the bigger custody, then it would make sense to stay here.

I was wondering about offering to take on the debt in exchange for at least some of the equity. I'm waiting for a solicitor to get back to me to make an appointment.

He's on his best behaviour which almost makes me sadder. He can maintain this for a while, masking like dd does at school. But eventually the wall has to come down.

It's interesting to hear what you're thinking of. I would like majority of contact as well but I'm sure he will fight for 50/50 and I don't want that or think he would be able to cope. 1 weeknight and every other weekend would be enough but who knows if that would be acceptable to him. He works a lot of weekends so eow might actually be too much for him.

@IntentsAndPorpoises
He's on his best behaviour which almost makes me sadder. He can maintain this for a while, masking like dd does at school. But eventually the wall has to come down.

That's what it's like in our house too. Xxx

See, there is an awful, selfish part of me that looks forward to sharing custody, just the time in my own. A massive appeal to me is having some weekends to myself, even half the week!

I admit that I feel my identity has been crushed by this marriage and love the idea of doing stuff for me again.

@IntentsAndPorpoises don't feel bad about that - I can't wait to have more respite from dealing with ds! He's hard work and I think I'll be a better mother 50% of the time I also feel like I've slowly disappeared in this marriage and am looking forward to finally finding myself.

Today is a bit better; I don't feel so flat but I do feel in limbo, like I'm just waiting for the next stage. We've started a financial agreement too so that feels more sorted and I won't be destitute it seems. Next step: packing my stuff up. I'm finding that all I do at home is look around at the things I might take, and at all we built together

Oh Misty i know those feelings of being in limbo and feeling flat.

After the Saturday night debacle where he wasn’t up to a night socialising, it at least opened up the ‘bigger’ conversation last night. We don’t seem to agree on much and when I said I felt he was just replicating his parents marriage which was not a happy one. He replied ‘they were happy enough’.

Anyway it was probably a good thing that we started talking but it does all feel pretty terrifying.

How’s everyone doing? X

Oh and I have this slightly anxious feeling all the time, a bit like I’ve been winded

I have that feeling @Moffa. As well as the back and forward.

I chatted with a friend yesterday and now I'm trying to work out whether this is just about the marriage, or whether my feelings are about wider feelings about my life. I do feel trapped, daily life with dd who has ASD (age 6) is exhausting. She is a nightmare to get to school in the morning, she doesn't like the kid's club or the childminder but we both work full time, so there isn't much of an option. She doesn't sleep well, so I'm up in the night with her, she comes into our bed. Weekends are a whirlwind as she is recovering from school and just wants to stay at home. It is like constantly walking on egg shells.

I feel like I just can't deal with her and H at the same time, but obviously separating from him is only going to make her worse and not going to make it better.

The most appealing option at the moment is just to run away from everything.

I have something else to admit. I've been in touch with an old friend/ex. I suppose it would be classed as an emotional affair. And I can't guarantee that it wouldn't turn into an actual affair. Because I just need someone to connect with, some affection. I feel like an awful person.

@Intents that does sound really tough with your daughter. Have you talked about the wider picture with a therapist? I don’t have any advice regarding the emotional affair but I can see how it would appeal. Bless you. Try not to complicate things for yourself until you’ve made some decisions?

Update from me: I’ve left. I used last nights conversation as the trigger & said I need space. Packed up the car for me & DC and am at my parents. It was awful. H insisted I came back to discuss everything & we talked for 2 hours. He was full of promises to change & having a new start etc etc which made it so hard to leave. I told him how unhappy I am and about the therapy etc. I don’t think he can change the person he is. But I feel so guilty about it.

Not sure how much sleep I’ll get tonight. Definitely need a handhold xx

Here to hand hold @Moffa. We'll done for going. And I totally understand how hard it is when he is saying he'll change. That's very similar here. And it's hard to point out that you've tried that many, many times.

I don't want H to hate himself, but just to see that's its OK that he is like he is, but that means we aren't compatible.

Well done Moffa small steps.

@Moffa hand hold from me too. You're so brave. I wish I had the guts to just tell my H. Im scared of his anger and he will just mock me and tell me I'm being ridiculous. It's exhausting.

@IntentsAndPorpoises no judgement here...in the same boat but with a man I met through work. Nothings happened but it's so lovely to get a bit of positive attention and distraction from the shit show that is real life...

Thank you @intents I need strength!

Hoping time is a healer & H and I can end up as friends xx

Hi all, can I join? I’ve just left my husband this morning, I’m staying with family until I can figure out what my next move is. I have 2 dc, 5 and 2. 8 years married here too, wonder if that’s a coincidence?

slummymummy35 I have cried so many tears in this marriage, at the end I’m finding I can’t cry anymore. The last few weeks have been volatile and I’ve been angry, furious, in a rage and sad but I haven’t cried once.

I actually had to smuggle my kids out of the house today as he was refusing to let me leave with them last night after our last altercation.

You are all further ahead of me, I did have a quick session with a solicitor on the phone a few weeks ago and went to see some rentals which confirmed to me I wouldn’t be able to afford anything decent on my own, so I’ve been looking at numbers and figuring out what I need to do to make this work, at the moment I’m a sahm, 8 years out of work.

Good luck @moffa, I feel quite lonely tonight even though I have family around me, I’m sure it will be tough for you too, but hopefully this is a new beginning