Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Thank you @Jamkan29 I have a busy day at work ahead but my stomach is like a washing machine :S

I have an added complication that DP and I are both Brits living in another country - we both have lives here, but we are very reliant on each other really.

Good luck @cheddarmonster - I too remember the feeling x

Thanks @Misty9

This is character building, right? :S

So I did it, and I'm now alone away from DP. Not sure how I'm feeling right now. Numb. Shocked. Hollow. He looked completely broken and hopes it is a temporary split. I don't know. I am going to examine my feelings very carefully over next few days/week and see. God this is so so hard.

Good luck @cheddarmonster. It’s a long road full of bumps and highs & lows. Hopefully it leads to happiness & fulfilment!

Well done xx

Oh @cheddarmonster my heart goes out to you. Let yourself feel whatever you feel - even if that's nothing for now. Can you surround yourself with rl support? Do you have to go to work tomorrow? If so it might be a distraction I suppose. The next few months will be a rollercoaster and you will question yourself over and over. But the easy thing to do would be stay. So you are stronger than you think and you've done the hardest part. Hang in there. Sending a virtual hug

@cheddarmonster well done, you have been incredibly brave. Like Misty said the easy thing is to stay, it takes courage to walk away from a relationship like you are. I agree that the next few months will be a rollercoaster and you will question yourself endlessly. Expect that to happen and don't necessarily see it as a sign that you've made a mistake. Hang in there! X

Thank you @Moffa, @Misty9 and @Jamkan29

I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm at work and keep getting waves of emotion - like a tidal wave heading towards me every now and then. This weekend will be interesting.

I'm expecting the ups and downs of emotion - I guess I just need to determine what the hell they mean! I know it's natural to feel like this at the end but DP said such lovely things during our talk last night.

@cheddarmonster yeah, my DH has turned into Mr Perfect since I told him and has been constantly campaigning to get me back. It's really thrown me at times too so I know where you're coming from!

@Jamkan29 Argh! It's like you start to think you must have imagined all the bad stuff over the years.... Mr Perfect can't last forever though, can it?

@cheddarmonster - well that's where I'm at sometimes, feeling like I've lost sight of why I did it in the first place! It's particularly difficult if you're not walking away from an abusive or particularly difficult man as I'm not. He's a good guy but the "fit" has felt wrong for a long time although I acknowledge that it wasn't all the time! It's so difficult isn't t?! I get through it by trying to be out of the house a couple of nights to give myself space from him.

@cheddarmonster how are you doing?

I'm feeling very sad and broken today...but it will pass I know.

Sending big hugs @Misty9 xx

HOld on in there Misty. Hour by hour. Hope you slept alright.

There's a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, lovey.

Thank you both - it does help to know you're thinking of me. I do feel a bit like I'm making a mess of all this but so much change would be tough for anyone I guess.

I'm ill again - I think my body's trying to tell me something!

@Misty9 sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the moment lovely. It definitely all feels worse when you're ill and I don't think it's surprising you are given the stress you've been under. Hang in there, brighter days will follow.

This much change is massively difficult!

Stress comes out in the body as well, eventually, and you've been under a lot of strain for a very long time.

Hi guys can I join you? Told my husband a couple of weeks ago that I want to separate, we've been together 19 years and have three boys 14, 11 and 6. There's been years of problems, he's been very domineering, cruel at times and unsupportive. I suffered with bad PND after having my youngest son and his response was to take happy pills and then call me weak. I finally snapped in December and said that I was done and he begged me to go to counselling (I had asked him lots of times over the years and he kept refusing and saying that counselling was for weak people). I agreed and we went to three sessions and I agreed to give it another 6 months. New Years Eve he stormed out of a party after he asked me if we had a future and I couldn't answer him. Then on New Years Day he told me that he had not been honest with me through the whole relationship and that he had been overly masculine as he secretly felt feminine and was hiding that. He said that he had fantasised about being with a man but didn't think he wanted to in real life. He said that he loved me and enjoyed sex with me but needed me to pleasure him anally at least once a month, his preference would be for me to wear a strap on!. This makes me feel really uncomfortable and I have told him I cannot do this. 6 months down the line and I definitely feel done. He is still saying that he thinks it is not a big deal and I should give him a chance. he is refusing to move out or let me buy him out. He cannot afford to keep the house on but I could and I would like to keep things as stable as possible for the kids. So it's awkward, uncomfortable, I feel really scared and not sleeping. Kids don't know yet as I want to give them a definite answer as to where they will be living. I think he will stick to his guns and I will end up having to sell to move on. I know that I could take it through the courts and the judge is likely to order that he agree to transfer the house to me, but I'm note sure I can cope with the stress for that long. I work as a lawyer (not in family law) and could do the court work, already looked up the divorce fees! Sorry for the essay, thank you reading if you've managed to get this far!!!

Hi everyone, hi @Misty9
I'm sorry you are struggling Misty. I'm in a weird place - today was the first day that I woke without feeling anxious, nervous and sick, but not sure I'm any nearer to working out what to do. My DP is giving me space and treating this as a temporary thing and I think he believes I'll go home soon. I don't think so. I just need to figure out what to do next. I'm trying to treat him with respect while maintaining my sanity. Perhaps it's impossible.

I guess good days and bad days are to be expected, but we just have to keep soldiering on. I've started writing my thoughts down in particularly uncertain and worrying moments.... Not sure what this will achieve, but I might start to see a pattern in my thoughts.

Hugs to everyone.

3ginger, to me it sounds like your'e best out of that relationship. although the thought of court is stressful, the outcome for you and the kids would be better terms of stability. it's hard enough for kids, personally I think if you are able to stay in the family home (at least for a time) it reduces the volume if change they're experiencing. Have you had a chat with a family lawyer? Be kind to yourself.

@cheddarmonster it is definitely a roller coaster! You sound like you're pretty certain leaving was the right thing to do? It's really hard to think you're hurting someone you care about though isn't it

@3gingerboys blimey sounds like you're better off out of that one! It's tricky if he's refusing to move out though.. is he an involved dad so the kids would miss contact with him?

Sooo...another day another swing in mood I'm feeling more positive today despite ds being difficult. It might be because I've got a weekend away alone to look forward to, or because we've started to settle into the pattern? Or because I'm ill so I care a bit less - and I'm not obsessing about a random man for once! Or most likely a combination of all those things. I was feeling so awful on Tuesday it's hard to believe how low I was now. But these things build up and a good overflow was what I needed perhaps.

Onwards...

It is a rollercoaster of emotions for sure. DH and I have agreed that he will move out in August after the family holiday we have booked. I had thought it best to hold off telling the kids until after that but I have a worry about that now.

DH’s sister rang me this week that his family are very worried about him he is very depressed in their view and cutting himself off from people. They want him to see a doctor etc. DH is in bad form but that’s the side of him we see all of the time - he has just let the outside see the real him I think and they are shocked! He may be depressed and need help but I do resent having to continue to sort his problems when that is one of the main contributors to the failure of the marriage and also because my own head is fried with it all

My problem is that I haven’t told my family about the impending separation as it’s still all raw but he has been telling people and we live in a small town- I need to tell my family soon and therefore I want to tell the children. But I don’t want it all to kick off with them and DH will be still living here which I think will give them false hope...I don’t know what to do-anyone any thoughts?

Who has he told zena ? That's really risky on his part if you haven't told the kids yet - does he understand that? I told one friend and we told the kids after 2 weeks I think. Then we told family and friends. But i also remember feeling really reluctant to talk to my family exactly because of that are feeling

You're not responsible for making him happy, and being around a depressed person is really draining and hard work.

Thanks Misty - he had told his family and they had told extended family and so on. It all came out today with the kids because I was afraid of them finding out from relatives or in some accidental way. It was as horrific as I expected but it’s done now and we can prepare for the future properly.

I need to tell my mum tomorrow and I also texted my siblings in our group chat and they were lovely and supportive. I am the type of person that carries everything myself but it actually feels good to reach out and receive support.

I hope you ladies are coping ok over the weekend.

@ZenaThor that's good the kids know now and have heard it from you but strap in for the rollercoaster part!

I'm away on a city break in Europe and arrived this afternoon. Felt quite lonely and sad but think I'm settling in a bit now. Keep getting lost in a whirlwind of thoughts about everything...need to focus on the present. One step at a time... hope everyone is enjoying the sun - it's forecast to be 30 degrees here tomorrow