Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

@marl & @got2bebrave - I ended up getting a GP referral for psychotherapy- my H has undiagnosed HFA/Aspergers and I believe it has lead me to OTRS (Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome) - certainly anxiety, depression, esteem issues etc. Through the process I asked for someone with experience of autism as it’s very specific counselling. I’m delighted with my therapist. He has not been a good or kind husband. I think being aggressively called a C* 25x on Christmas Eve (for no good reason) was the straw that broke this camels back. He ruins every happy occasion for me.

@Misty - I’m sorry to hear the holiday isn’t great. I really hope it gets better, your DS has fun and maybe you get to have some of the important conversations? Sending huge ❤️

Hope everyone ok. H is cooking a Sunday Roast tomorrow for me & the DC. Urgh - no doubt he will use the chance to tell me he’s a changed man again! X

I just want to run away from the whole horrid mess. In my head I still want to get on with splitting and moving on. But H is so desperate for me to try. His emotion is so raw I find it hard to deal with. I just feel utterly trapped and nowhere to go.

I need some space really, but that isn't likely.

Bloody hell Misty. That sounds traumatic.

Can you focus on the good things to come. You’ve mentioned having a breather from the kids. Don’t feel guilty about that. They will be with their dad. What are you going to do with your new found time?

I am 10 weeks post break up and feel marvellous. All of the things I worried about are not as nearly as hard in reality and the feeling of freedom I have is great. My mood is stable because it’s not dependant on someone else. I could go on and on and on.

Good luck

@sharpandshinyteeth that is very encouraging to read! X

I'm feeling very sad tonight. The holiday has gone okay - some days better than others - and I'm now facing going back home and moving out over the weekend. Then with the bank holiday weekend technically dh should have them sun eve until weds am - but the thought of the dc being off on Monday and me not seeing them is physically painful and dh is wanting to take them to his family for Easter Sunday lunch too. This hurts so much. I can only hope the prospect of it is worse than the reality.

I was reading a thread about what people don't miss about their exes- and off all the negatives listed I could only relate to a couple. It isn't bad, but it isn't good either. There's just nothing really. And dh seems to have switched off any loving feelings he had for me. It's just nothingness. Is that enough of a reason for splitting? And the house isn't ready either...but I'm not sure the dc will mind that much. I really ought to go to sleep...before I cry.

Ah Misty stay strong chick. Don't doubt yourself. Nothingness is not life. You deserve happiness. None of us should exist with nothingness. Life is way too short for that. These are the feelings I keep having too.

For this reason I've booked to go see a therapist to get things straight in my head. To help me move out of this hideous stage of indecision.

Sending you all big hugs. No doubt this weekend will be tough for lots of us in different ways
Xx

Hi Misty, I’m sorry you’re feeling down but I think it’s so normal to feel up and down. It’s a monumental decision and one that affects more people than just you. I read divorce is like a bereavement and while I actually feel ok now, I can see that when it is official it will be an enormous emotional blow. Stay strong. Better times are ahead.

@got2bebrave I think a therapist is an excellent first step. Is your H ASD as well (sorry I can’t remember!)? But if so that is relevant to the therapist as you need someone who understands the effects ASD within the context of an intimate relationship.

I’m feeling happier day by day. My DC seem really happy. My H is making a huge effort and even took the DC out today for an hour (this has NEVER happened before). He may turn off the charm when I tell him this is a permanent decision for me (and the right one). I never thought I would end up here, but feeling at peace definitely beats the anxious mess I was becoming.

Thinking of you all xx

Hey @Misty9 hope you're ok. Sorry to hear things are tough. You are doing the right thing. And hi everyone else.
My H took the kids away at the weekend to a hotel using a voucher my mum got us both for Christmas 😬 and has been acting like dad of the year ever since!! It was so tough seeing the photos and hearing the kids have such a great time without me but this is just something I have to get used to. And i actually ended up having a really lovely relaxing couple of days even though I missed the kids like crazy.

I'm making slow but steady progress with this all, plans are in place re the finances and house (I want to buy from him) and a letter is issuing to him tomorrow from my solicitor about starting to split the financial assets. He is most likely going to hit the roof. Once we agree a financial settlement and he moves out we then need to discuss child custody. It's just so grim but I'm really determined to try and navigate my way through this with grace and dignity.

Hope you are all doing ok. I also saw the thread on what won't you miss...loved it!! It was very cathartic writing it all down lol. Hugs x

Hi all
Just lying awake reading through these posts and feeling not quite as alone. 2 kids under 5, been with husband for 12 years and married for 7. Similar to lots of you he's not a bad person and a great dad but we've lost all physical and emotional intimacy. Tried counselling on my own because he wouldn't go, and it's clear he thinks I'm the one with the issues, but like you all I just don't want to live in nothingness. He really doesn't communicate but I'm done trying.

So yeah, hoping we can support eachother through this new chapter in our lives
💛💛💛

Good luck! Recently left dp of 5 years. We have 2 DC under 5. Currently staying with family ATM. We have decided to co parent, Ds with dad and dd with me. Seems strange but for best. Dc see will see each other every weekend and will alternate whether they stay with myself or their dad plus aiming to meet up once or twice a week to DC see each other alit, just deoendsbon work schedules

Thanks all for the virtual support, and welcome to the group no one would choose to be a member of positive

I'm feeling a bit stronger today. It's been dd's birthday and we've had a lovely day at the beach. hungrymamabear interesting to hear how you've done it. For me, one of the saving graces is that my two have each other to cling to throughout all the change. But I'm lucky that they love the bones of each other and would be lost if we separated them. I'd happily just have dd mind do you think youll keep that arrangement for the long term?

So D day is approaching and my place is still a bombsite! With the weather forecast looking so good this weekend I'm not relishing the thought of being stuck in doing flat pack...

Good to hear that everyone is moving forwards. I agree re therapists - I've been seeing one for over a year and it's really helped me figure things out (hence splitting!)

Hi everyone and particularly Misty9 who directed me over here.

This is a great thread, I am going through all the same emotions as you all - it's so so hard. I had never realised how hard it would be to be the one who makes the decision to leave - it's all on us!

It's very reassuring to see you all have the same worries as me - have I tried hard enough for the DC's sake, isn't everyone's relationship a bit crap anyway, will I regret this down the line ?...

I have a long running thread in relationships"sulking husband" - I have a feeling the posters over there must be sick of me going back and forth and not just getting out.

Like misty, I have found a house to rent, apparantly I can move in really soon but I still haven't told H definitely yet...

Moffa and for you.
I admire your bravery, as I’ve said before I want to leave but am terrified of the fallout.

I too am in total admiration. You've made the decision and done the hard part raising it. I'm sitting here tonight so sad thinking i should reach out to him but not sure I want to any more and worried that if I do it will end up back at the beginning of the cycle.

Thank you 💛

I find it incredible that my therapist always tells me what might happen next and it does! She’s bloody brilliant and I have to say she (and all my unhappiness notes from 2015 onwards) are keeping me focused. The ball of anxiety in my stomach is clearing and I’m sleeping soundly (kids permitting!)

It’s not easy though & I can’t help but worry about H, his well-being & Mental health etc. But I guess that is normal! X

Hi all, and welcome jamaisjedors

I've held off posting because I just feel so crap. But I think it's good to be honest so here it is. I'm in my place now. Had some help from amazing friends to do flat pack but moved pretty much all my stuff myself and have done my back no favours. The kids stayed last night for the first time (my first night too) and it was a bit of a disaster as ds is very unsettled and therefore very challenging. I did lots of shouting. God knows what the neighbours think there was stuff and boxes everywhere and, in hindsight I should have waited one more day to get everything sorted. Did it this morning and it didn't take long.

I'm feeling...bereft. I keep having thoughts like "can I remind H to put sun cream on them?" "Can I ask what they're up to, or is that too intrusive on his time?" . Then I think about all the things we could be doing as a family this weekend - until I remember H wouldn't want to do any of them anyway. I'm worried I've made a terrible mistake, but I'm going to give it time and see how things pan out. It isn't great timing with it being Easter weekend as my family are all hours away and his are all round here. I'm hoping it'll feel less painful when I'm back at work and they're at school. Oh, and ds wanted to stay at home1 whereas dd wanted to stay with me!

Having reflected on it I think it was the combination of having an autistic husband and a challenging child which broke me. I could have just about coped with H being unemotional, but ds drained me and H couldn't fill me back up

I keep crying but I've cycled for a walk so no one can see luckily. I was going crazy in the house on my own.

Hope everyone else is okay and enjoying the long weekend. I think I would advise others not to move out when they separate, if possible, as it just makes your life 1000 times more stressful!

Hey @Misty9 remember why you are doing this. The tough times are always going to make you question. And a long bank holiday is never going to be an easy time for any of us. Look st all you did on your own. You are amazing. Things will get easier, I am sure. Make sure you keep looking after yourself and finding healthy distractions, as you are.

I went to a party as a couple yesterday and it was tough. Felt no connection, did not want to be there. Left early and when I came home decided I was going to raise it when he got back. Then I stupidly checked on the little house I was keeping an eye on and it had sold. Sent me into a spiral ..."how can I afford anything else" "what if nothing comes on the market when we sell and Me and dc end up somewhere awful or too costly"..."how do we live in the meantime". So I just cried and went to bed instead.

@misty it was never going to be easy. But I think you’ve done the hardest bit. Now give yourself time to adjust.

Today H had kids all afternoon. I had luckily arranged to lunch & dog walk with friends so it went ok and the DC had a good time too. I think I just need to make plans for when I don’t have them to help me adjust.

Got to see H tomorrow as he wants to talk. I feel I owe him that much as I left a month ago asking for space. He is very controlling & manipulative though so I need to be strong but kind and stand my ground.

@got2bebrave sounds tough. Sending x

Hi Misty9, so so sorry things are so hard.

It's normal to have a wobble or two - or even a downright collapse for a bit. A friend of mine said the first couple of months are hard and then you get into the swing of things.

Please keep posting for support. Hopefully the return to normality (school/work) will help give you some structure.

I am taking on board the lesson about not moving the DC in too soon, I will try to get the house nice before I have them officially for the week to avoid it being too chaotic.

Sending strength to everyone on the thread over this bank holiday - often a tough time.

For me, I got back from a trip last night and ended up talking to H and making it clear that this is it, we are separating.

I went off to sleep on the sofa; this morning he was whistling and offering to make me a boiled egg and just now he came up as I was doing crafts with DC2 and stroked my back.

I have no idea what is going on in his head. The next step is to tell him about the house but I'm holding off for a couple of days because he has already accused me of not trying at all at our relationship in the last few months. If he finds out I have a house already lined up it will confirm what he thinks.

I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow night.

We have our first counselling session tomorrow evening. H is trying so hard. On paper he's doing all the right things, he really is. But it isn't working in the sense that it is making me feel claustrophobic, he's driving me mad. Kissing me, hugging me, telling me I'm beautiful. I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore which is part of the problem.

I feel so awful, because he's doing all the things I've asked of him. He's being the perfecr husband.

Hi everyone,

@jamais I think that was good advice from your friend. I’ve definitely wobbled & worried & questioned if I’m making the right decision. I have to re-read my diary notes to remember how it felt when I lived there. I went to talk with H today and he tried to hold my hand (so odd as he hasn’t done that for years and years), hugged me and put his arm around me. It didn’t feel ‘natural’ to me. I think he is trying hard but it’s come too late. If only he had made these changes 6 months ago.

@intents my H has promised to be a better husband & father and has come up with plans & solutions as to how we do this. He also said he will resent me forever if I don’t give him this chance. I just don’t think I want to.

I just couldn’t say the words ‘I think we should get divorced’. It feels so final that it hurts.

We talked for 3 hours, very openly & honestly. It was the longest conversation we’ve had in years and years. I think apart from his ASD traits, one of our main issues has been the breakdown in communication. Maybe we could have salvaged things if we had just talked but then he was never easy to talk to, he would just shut me off or dismiss what I had to say.

Urgh. This is not fun.

@misty hope the weekend has gone by ok. It will get easier 💞

Hi all

intents I hope the counselling session isn't too horrible. jamais how was the meeting with the lawyer?

I'm feeling a bit more positive today - although my bloody bedroom curtain pole fell down this evening! I hate renting again... I spent most of yesterday in tears but that is how I deal with overflowing, as I call it. I've been reading a thread about a woman whose husband is leaving her, and some of the responses have been hard to read - about it being selfish to leave the kids, how she has every right to hate him etc and has told the kids it was all daddy's choice to leave. When I'm the parent who has left. I've just commented suggesting that telling them this is perhaps not the best course of action, so I'm waiting to have my arse handed to me on a plate.

But more widely, it seems (on mn) that a woman leaving is seen as strong and understandable whereas if a man does he's a bastard and thoughtless and doesn't care about the kids. It doesn't help that often men line up someone else first I realise...

Anyway, my ramblings for the evening. My tv gets connected tomorrow so I'll be relying less on mn for company and the kids come to me from tomorrow until Saturday

Counselling was OK. It is very clear that we are in totally different places. I just don't know if its too late. H is so desperate to make it work. I don't think I love him anymore. But we'll see. I'll give it a bit of a go. At least I can say I tried.

Hi all, I have been following this thread quite closely as I sadly am in a similar situation. Both unhappy for a long time, I initiated the split as DH would have gone on like that forever just out of inertia. Relatively amicable terms at the moment, DC still oblivious as we'll tell them when DH has found somewhere to rent and can move out.

I was wondering how long it is considered usual/ normal for a separated couple to live under the same roof before someone moves out? After talking to family and friends, it seems like it is not unusual for many couples to go on living together after separation for a very long time (even for a year or two!!) while they sort stuff out. I am only a couple of months into this limbo and I feel like I am going crazy already, there is no way I could do it for much longer. How do people manage to live separately under the same roof for so long without going completely mental?!