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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

338 replies

Misty9 · 12/03/2019 19:15

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

OP posts:
Jamkan29 · 23/05/2019 13:47

Misty, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, my heart goes out to you. You're being so brave carrying this through despite the pain and loneliness. I'm not going to suggest anything for you to do as you know all that stuff but hang in there, you're doing brilliantly x

SeaEagleFeather · 23/05/2019 23:09

I tried and tried and tried for years. Last efforts? Very much yes, for the sake of the kids. But there is nothing left to give now becuase I've changed as much as I can and he has as much as he can but its not worked.

I think he's on the spectrum, and there's some objective evidence that he is, plus his mum thinks he is ... he can't change. Decent kind man but a marriage with no emotional connection and a deepset obstinacy and some sort of weird executive processing problems ... I'm drained dry and beyond.

SeaEagleFeather · 23/05/2019 23:13

I should really have left when the oldest was 18 months, I remember being very worried then about the way my husband interacted with him -much as he absolutely loves him!.

I suppose I wish I had been able to leave then. At least now I won't feel guilty becuase I've done absolutely everything I can but in a way that's an indulgence - I do think it would have been better for our oldest's stake to leave before.

Original poster
Misty9 · 24/05/2019 12:32

For balance I thought I'd post when feeling less crap. Had a horrible start to the morning with my eldest being very challenging but had a good cry and pulled myself together. Did some gardening, baked brownies and made a nice lunch for once. It's horrible that I was so angry and horrid to ds as I now don't see them until weds (except for day trip Mon) but to be honest I need a break from him Sad

More gardening this afternoon and I've signed up for a walking group on Sunday. I can do this!

OP posts:
Moffa · 24/05/2019 15:33

Oh Misty you can do this! I think the hard days are normal.

I’m on holiday with the DC. Having the best time. Have barely thought about H. But I know that can of worms is waiting for me when I get home. Confused

We’ll get there! X

Jamkan29 · 24/05/2019 15:36

Misty, you can do this!! The walking group is a great idea. Exercise, nature and social interaction all rolled into one! Don't beat yourself up too much about what happened with your son either as we all do that, especially when we're stressed and I'm pretty sure they'll be loads more positive interactions outweighing the odd negative one.

I'm not getting very far with moving out largely because I can't find a 3 bed house in my price range that's close to my daughters school. Meanwhile being at home with DH is proving to be extremely difficult.

stucknoue · 24/05/2019 15:38

People here talk of shared duty and history, unfortunately h's don't seem to be as caring about this. His mum is more concerned assuring me I will always be her daughter (sweet). We still live in the same house and he's quite keen on ancillary benefits like meals cooked and household management so at loneliness isn't an issue in the same way

got2bebrave · 24/05/2019 17:37

Been lurking a bit recently, unable to post, too emotional as having a hard time with this all. We went to a friends wedding recently and it wa the worst experience I can remember since my parents splitting up. So we had the conversation again and I went through what you did @cheddarmonster as told him again that I couldn't do this (5 times now we've had that conversation)

Total devastation and sobbing is what I was confronted with and it ripped my heart out cos I'm not a bad person and he is nice but very selfish man who has neglected me and last year my heart just broke from it all. So now I just want a different life.

I agreed one last try. And that's why I've been quiet as I feel like I've betrayed myself. After all the pain I put myself through making that decision to end things and building up to that moment .....to just give in.

I am now really looking at it as my last try. He knows this and has been overly helpful, touchy loving etc and it not normal. I've asked him to behave normally and I understand his panicky response is cos he's frightened. But it's making me really uncomfortable. I can see it is coming from a place of terror and it makes me feel sick that I can make him feel like that 😔

I can't wait for this bloody weekend to be done. I used to love bank holidays and now I'm just wishing them away.

And nagging away in my head is...."is this really your relationship or is it your hormones". Does anyone else get that?

got2bebrave · 24/05/2019 17:38

Sorry I didn't recognise anyone else's message. I can see it's tough for us all. It's just been really hard to get back on here to post so I'll make more of an effort over the weekend Thanks

got2bebrave · 24/05/2019 17:46

@Jamkan29 I've just read your post and it is almost as if you have written my situation. I know how it feels when everyone thinks your DH is amazing but he hasn't nurtured the marriage. My therapist told me this a form of neglect and why I've been so hurt by it given he appears to be this great guy. so I understand where you are and am in awe that you've done what I can't. Sending you a hand hold from someone in a spookily similar situation. in a weird way it's good to know it's not just me. I just need to be as brave as you now! Blush

SeaEagleFeather · 24/05/2019 18:10

And nagging away in my head is...."is this really your relationship or is it your hormones"

how long seated are your problems? and what is the pattern of interaction?

tbh blaming it on the hormones sounds like it's come from the background of someone who's grown up with some mysogny .. sorry if im wrong

Jamkan29 · 24/05/2019 20:08

Gottobebrave - thank you for the virtual hand hold, much appreciated and I'd like to extend one back to you too! Don't feel bad about giving it another go. At least then if things don't work out you'll be able to say you gave it one last try. My husband has requested this and I've chosen not to but there's a part of me that wonders if I'm doing the right thing. Anyway, I've made the decision to go now and I'm going to see it through. I'm living with an inherited eye disorder which means I'm gradually losing my sight and having to face such an uncertain future has just made me more determined to make the most of my life. It may all turn out to be a pile of shit but I have to give it a go.

Moffa · 26/05/2019 20:24

How’s everyone doing?

Turns out that holidays without H are great! No stress, moods, sulking or selfishness. It’s a relevation!

cheddarmonster · 28/05/2019 08:49

@got2bebrave I am now really looking at it as my last try. He knows this and has been overly helpful, touchy loving etc and it not normal. I've asked him to behave normally and I understand his panicky response is cos he's frightened. But it's making me really uncomfortable. I can see it is coming from a place of terror and it makes me feel sick that I can make him feel like that 😔

God can I relate to this. It's gut wrenching that we hold all the power and my DP is doing everything he can to show me his best side. I just feel callous and wicked. But I don't know how much longer I can go through with this. Any updates from your side?

Jamkan29 · 28/05/2019 11:05

That's exactly how I fee too! My DH is being loving, considerate, wanting to talk to me all the time. All the things I wanted him to do in the last 27 years but he struggled with! It's just making me feel uncomfortable now and irritated tbh. I know I have all the power and that makes me feel very uncomfortable as I'm not used to it. I'm struggling to find a house to move into and being in limbo like this is awful for both of us.

Tixytrick · 28/05/2019 15:38

I think you are prolonging the pain for yourselves and your partners by agreeing to continue trying when deep down you know it is over. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind in these situations. It is hard but it can be done and you can come out of the other side and rebuild your friendship with your spouse. Life passes us all by and before you know it it’s over. Kids grow up and move on and all of a sudden the reality hits that this is it. Fortune favours the brave! Good luck all.....

cheddarmonster · 28/05/2019 15:39

@Tixytrick - Yep! Agree wholeheartedly. I know conversation #2 is looming - conversation #1 was Hell and I can see this one being just as bad.

cheddarmonster · 31/05/2019 15:30

How is everyone?

Jamkan29 · 31/05/2019 19:47

I'm still looking for a house to move into and am determined to carry this through. Well most of the time. At weekends when DH is around more, being "new, perfect husband", my resolve weakens slightly and then I panic that I'm doing the wrong thing. Haven't told the kids yet but that's looming too. How are you Cheddarmonster? And everyone else?? Been wondering how you are all getting on.

cheddarmonster · 31/05/2019 20:56

I admire your strength and resolve, though can understand the panic setting in. My DP is away this weekend and I'm home alone just looking round and thinking all this is going to change... And the memories, just the small things really like silly gifts from holidays and cards, pictures - Argh, this is so hard.

DP is determined that I am simply depressed or suffering a burnout - which is not necessarily untrue but he will not listen to my concerns about the relationship. Despite the horrid conversation we had a few weeks ago when I saw him break down, it's not like nothing happened and it's all about my sadness. My therapist tells me the only way to get through to him is to handle this break up via a couples therapy session. But to me that feels cruel...

cheddarmonster · 31/05/2019 20:57

*it's like nothing happened Blush

Original poster
Misty9 · 01/06/2019 21:07

Hi all. Hope everyone is enjoying the sunny weather despite our shitty situations...

I've had a lovely half term - mostly because I've been away staying with family which has been so chilled and fun. Then I came back to my dark and cramped rental this evening and the feeling of anxiety is back Sad I think I feel claustrophobic but I'm stuck here for now. It's been lovely seeing the kids but it's weird to think they'll have a whole other life with H now. It's a process I have to get through, I know. And the bad days are less often now. It's just this house makes me feel so on edge. Maybe I should have stayed in the family home Sad

OP posts:
colouringinpro · 01/06/2019 23:05

Can I join? I need to start making it much clearer to OH who has been living separately (my choice) for 18 months that this is it. I need more distance. I asked him to come over today to do stuff with kids do I can work. He's decided he's coming over tomorrow too. I suspect him of being on ASD SPECTRUM though a recent assessment said no. I function well with people, but not him. At all. I feel guilty as our split has been devastating for my ds. But I can't bear to be around him (OH).

colouringinpro · 01/06/2019 23:06

Scared of being explicit as he has major mental health problems (bipolar) years ago we went to Relate, I said I wasn't sure our relationship had a future. Few months later he almost managed to kill himself.

colouringinpro · 01/06/2019 23:07

It's such a nightmare mess.