Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

and I remember it being weirdly conversational between us about the logistics of it before I left

Oh god YES. Everything is ... conversational. All the details of goods ? Conversational. All the discussions over the children? Conversational. Letters regarding the progress of the divorce? Conversational.

No emotion, no sadness, no anxiety, nothing. It's unreal. He says he still loves me but I just want to wince away from him when he's around, because there is no space to be me and Im lefting holding all the difficult emotions. Talking to various female and even male friends about the situation, its clearly so weird to them. .

misty ...sounds like his rather hurtful comment was actually a really, really good thing for you in the long term. Has to have cauterized the guilt!

Yes to this: being left to hold all the difficult emotions. It sucks doesn't it? And for me it also replicated a pattern from my childhood in my family. It has cauterized the guilt somewhat but I'm also now left with a niggling feeling of being completely undesirable and of having wasted a lot of my time and effort on a marriage that was...i don't know- fake?! Gah. Feeling a bit deflated as I just need to feel reassured that I'm still attractive but had a bit of a disappointment last night which has left me feeling old and unattractive. And given we rarely had sex, maybe H didn't find me that attractive either? Feel free to ignore my pity party though

I doubt very much indeed you are unattractive. "im much happier wihtout you" is just a slap in the face from someone who might, actually, be feeling very rejected so he's even less tactful than usual.

I gather that a low sex drive is really common among autistic men ... either that or they go the other way. Tbh being pestered for sex when you dont want it is probably worse! Neither extreme is .. reciprocal is it? not much of give and take

@Misty9 my DH left me feeling totally undesirable and ugly so I really understand where you're at. But I can see now that it totally reflects his hang ups about sex rather than just being a problem in me. When you're continually not desired it chips away at you. Are you on any hook up sites yet? Just to get some conversations with other men going might give you a bit of a boost. May sound shallow but you never know! The more you're desired the more desirable you feel.

@Jamkan29 thanks and that's exactly how I feel... you've answered your own question from your other thread as No one should have to cope with feeling like that

Nearly 2 months down the line and the kids are adjusting ok I think. I'm the one who seems to be struggling most! But Yes, I have started dabbling with having some fun and it is helping but there was a truly shit period - documented in this thread - and i questioned myself plenty. Still do as I reenter the fun of dating... it hasn't changed much and nor have I sadly!

Hang in there

I'm here too, splitting after 20 years. 12 years not in the same bed and 5 years no sex life. We have no assets at all and me and Dd are going to stay with my mum until I can get on my feet. We are having the big chat tonight and I'm dreading it.

Hi everyone! Hope you’re all ok! Just thought I’d update. I moved out (into my parents house with DC) 11 weeks ago. I’ve told him I want a divorce. He seems to be in denial & wants MORE time to prove he can be a good husband. The fact he had 8 years is lost on him! He wants to take me out on our wedding anniversary and has asked me to delay filing for divorce for 2 months. I feel like that just leaves me in limbo for even longer. Very frustrating.

I met someone else (very gorgeous guy) who asked me out for a drink. I said yes and then cancelled as I think it’s too soon and I need to get used to being on my own. I’m hoping he’ll still be around when I come out the other side! X

@Misty9 glad to hear you're starting to have a bit of fun with the dating. Sort of a minefield I would imagine!

@darksideofthemooncup sorry to hear about your situation. How did the big chat go?

@Moffa so are you going to go along with the further 2mth extension? I've met this guy too and am keen to see where it might go. Meanwhile DH has been campaigning for the last 9 weeks to get me back and in a moment of desperation to get him to understand that I wasn't interested in working on things I revealed that I had met someone else. Needless to say he's angry about it although conceded that given we have been "separated" for 9 weeks there's not that much he can say. He's now saying that even if I change my mind about coming back he wouldn't trust me anyway. I don't think I'm going to change my mind but I still have the bloody doubts and fears about regretting it and the longer I stay in the family home the harder this is. I put in an offer on another flat yesterday and waiting to hear. I need to get out!

Yes, it is certainly a minefield! One in which I've already made a bit of a fool of myself... I'm having a major wobble as a result and am dangerously close to thinking a dead marriage is preferable...but I need to remember I felt undesirable and stifled in that marriage. Big breaths and baby steps. Need to do some more work on me I think.

@Misty9 the "dangerously close" to returning to a dead marriage is my ongoing battle, day in and day out. Like you I also felt undesirable and stifled so I guess we have to really hang onto this. The chances are we'd return and the same issues would crop up in a year, 2 years, 5. People keep telling me to trust my instincts but that doesn't help when other people are chipping in with things like, "midlife crisis, menopausal, you're going to ruin those children's lives". Maybe my instincts are batshit!! How are we going to get beyond the wavering (from one psychologist to another )?!!

I've sent you a pm @Jamkan29

How is everyone else doing? @thisisalongdrive @cheddarmonster @SeaEagleFeather and others?

mentally a bit better thank you misty. Had a meal with two friends, one of them is -his- best friend, and it was a really good, rational but understanding chat. Felt ... seen ... at last (and that was by his best friend, who loves him dearly!)

bone tired but going away for 3 full days now, so im hoping for a great mental break.

Did have a nasty little go at someone on here which I regret, but i think it was anger spilling over slightly ashamed

How are you?

Hi all, some interesting updates from those on the other side! I'm expecting a few wobbles post conversation (if I can get that far - still in utter turmoil and permanent anxiety about the thought of conversation #2). I should feel easier really as I have no DC and I'm not married, but it doesn't seem to be any easier to face :( I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like afterwards. But I can't feel worse than I do now. Haven't slept in 5 nights.

I was going to wait until Sunday, but I don't think I can. Planning to do the conversation tomorrow and have written a short letter to try and explain my feelings.

Going to stay with a friend for a while which will hopefully help but my partner will be beyond devastated and I feel utterly cruel and heartless.

@Jamkan29 yes I have said I will wait but I wont change my mind. I read up on it and it said while I have been thinking about this for a long time, it’s new to him so it’s good to give him some time to get used to it. Of course now he is having counselling, anger management and acting like Superdad.

@Misty9 I think you need a flirtation! It’s great to have someone to think about!

@cheddarmonster have a virtual hug. It's hard and shit no matter whether you have kids or not. I left boyfriend before married and it was awful as he completely fell apart. But you need to put your needs first. Hope the talk isn't too awful tomorrow and we're here to support you.

@SeaEagleFeather so his friend can see why you want to leave then? That's a big sign you're doing the right thing!

@moffa I'm so glad it's all working out for you (if a little envious of how robust you sound!)

I'm ok. There is no flirtation anymore Moffa, it was all a bit of a reality check and not pleasant. The kids are back today after 5 days away and I'm finding it hard to adjust back into mummy mode - esp after all the aforementioned single life agonising! I feel like I'm living two lives... they're here for 5 days now so I'll get into the swing of it. A migraine and tummy issues aren't helping. Onwards! And hopefully upwards at some point...

Same with me . 15 years together and 10 married . He wants an open relationship as I’m not enough. I’m to old and he wants me to change .

@cheddarmonster have a virtual hug. It's hard and shit no matter whether you have kids or not. I left boyfriend before married and it was awful as he completely fell apart. But you need to put your needs first. Hope the talk isn't too awful tomorrow and we're here to support you.

@SeaEagleFeather so his friend can see why you want to leave then? That's a big sign you're doing the right thing!

@moffa I'm so glad it's all working out for you (if a little envious of how robust you sound!)

I'm ok. There is no flirtation anymore Moffa, it was all a bit of a reality check and not pleasant. The kids are back today after 5 days away and I'm finding it hard to adjust back into mummy mode - esp after all the aforementioned single life agonising! I feel like I'm living two lives... they're here for 5 days now so I'll get into the swing of it. A migraine and tummy issues aren't helping. Onwards!

@cheddarmonster have a virtual hug. It's hard and shit no matter whether you have kids or not. I left boyfriend before married and it was awful as he completely fell apart. But you need to put your needs first. Hope the talk isn't too awful tomorrow and we're here to support you.

@SeaEagleFeather so his friend can see why you want to leave then? That's a big sign you're doing the right thing!

@moffa I'm so glad it's all working out for you (if a little envious of how robust you sound!)

I'm ok. There is no flirtation anymore Moffa, it was all a bit of a reality check and not pleasant. The kids are back today after 5 days away and I'm finding it hard to adjust back into mummy mode - esp after all the aforementioned single life agonising! I feel like I'm living two lives... they're here for 5 days now so I'll get into the swing of it. A migraine and tummy issues aren't helping. Onwards!

@Misty9 are you in the UK? The tummy issues are all stress related I expect. I’ve been taking Kalms which have helped (a natural remedy)

My robustness levels vary a lot! X

I am in the UK but the tummy issues are from things I shouldn't have eaten. I have multiple dietary issues! Probably won't help that I just ate half a bag of kettle chips...

Thanks @Misty9 - i have a bag packed and I’m ready to put the plan into action. I didn’t sleep again last night - anxious sick and panicked feelings on and off. What the hell am I doing? Yet something is compelling me to move forward. I’m going home after work and am just going to deliver a short “speech” and then leave as soon as I can. God knows how it will go 😬

@cheddarmonster good luck today. I felt exactly the same as you before I delivered the news almost 9 weeks ago but like you I also felt compelled to do it. Trust your instincts and take one day at a time.

I am on the edge of fleeing too. I have to but he has upped his niceness to my kids since he sensed my feelings have shifted so they will be very resentful of being uprooted from a comfortable life for ‘no reason’. I’m really worrying about that today.