Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

@chesham I’ve replied to your message - hope it worked as it wasn’t working yesterday!

@thisisalongdrive I’ve had the same reaction as you from friends & family. They all know he is obsessed with his job and doesn’t engage in family life and we all live in fear of his temper tantrums. Most have said they think I’m doing the right thing.

Yesterday we spent a day as a family and it was the best day we’ve ever had. The kids had a great time and it was genuinely fun. I told him as much (more to highlight that it’s taken over 4 years for him to spend quality time with his kids) and he seems to have taken it as a positive step forward (in terms of getting back together). It’s so hard as he is still the good looking charming man I married and right now he is being loving and tactile and not being horribly moody & grumpy but I just don’t believe it can last.

In a way a diagnosis will be good as it will show me that he cannot change and we will never emote in the same way. But today I feel sad. Sad for me. Sad for my wonderful DC. X

Hi all. I'm afraid I'm struggling to hold much in my head, let alone everyone's posts, so I feel a bit impersonal in not responding to you by name..but I'm just sad that we're all going through this in one way or another and how hard it is for everyone concerned chesham welcome and a lot of what you wrote rings true for me too - zero emotional or physical intimacy and a shadow of who I could have been I think (as I hadn't quite worked out my former self either).

As usual I'm up and down. Though mostly down at the moment. I keep not eating and generally not looking after myself very well. Which I know is not helpful. But I don't really see the point in a lot of things at the moment and am struggling to get joy out of anything. Sigh. Saw my counsellor today though and that helped. I need to self care and make it a priority. I'm giving so much of myself to everyone and everything else (I'm a psychologist) that there's not much left for me. Nothing in fact. So I exist in a sort of stasis until I have to respond to demands upon me or my time. If that even makes sense.

So, in short, it's effing hard leaving and starting over. But hopefully it will be worth it. Lean on friends, paid support, family if there, and come out stronger the other side

How is everyone getting on? Thinking about you all

Hi all. As usual it's up and down for me; today is a better day - partly because I'm close to freedom as H has the kids from tonight until weds it's hard because it's one extreme or the other. Ds has also been very hard work this morning as he is fixated on wanting to play a computer game which is only at H's house (he's denied missing H, just wants the game!). I'm feeling a bit drained from dealing with him but am out for a friend's birthday this evening so that's something to look forward to. I've done lots of crying recently and I think it helps to allow the feelings and process it all, rather than suppress it. A lot is connected to ds being hard work when I have very little capacity to cope with him

I am going to think about alternative shared care patterns as it feels too much like all.or nothing, not sure what that would look like though...

No doubt I'll be overflowing again in the next couple of days! Oh and I've also treated myself to one of those recipe boxes on a promotion to encourage me to eat when I'm solo

Hope everyone else is ok

Hi everyone, I hope it’s ok if I join your thread? Your stories all resonate with me so much. Three weeks ago I finally plucked up courage to tell my DH I wasn’t happy and that I wanted to separate. We have been together 27 years (23 married) and have three DC aged 17, 14 and 11. For decades I’ve had nagging doubts about the marriage and have struggled always to connect emotionally with him. Sexually he’s never been that interested and that has always been a struggle for me as it’s left me feeling ugly and lacking in confidence. Other than that he’s Mr Perfect and everyone loves him. He’s a great Dad, works hard and is kind and loyal. I’ve tried so many times to talk to him about how things are and we’ve had two periods of couple counselling in the past. Things improve for a bit then the nagging feelings return. I’ve resorted to periods of individual counselling or anti depressants at times when I’ve felt particularly lonely and my DH has been all too glad to jump on the idea that the problem is with me.

Anyway, he was utterly devastated when I told him and he’s been acting like Superman ever since, determined to prove he can be different. He’s almost begging me to give things another chance and says I owe it to the kids. I just don’t think I can anymore as I don’t believe deep down the differences in how we relate emotionally will ever change. I’ve finally worked out that needing more intimacy in a relationship is not a sign of me being dysfunctional (for years he told me it was because my parents never loved me enough and nobody could fill that “void”). Im nearly 50 and I think I deserve to be happy?

I move out today into a flat locally for four nights and the same again next week. So far we’ve told the kids I’m on a training course as they know I’m trying to get back into work after a 5 year break. I’ve hardly been able to sleep this last week in anticipation and worry of it all. Maybe I’ll get there and I’ll miss him and I can end this nightmare but maybe I won’t?! Breaking up a family after all this time feels like an enormous responsibility and I’m terrified my DC will hate me as they idolise their Dad. Anyway time will tell. Thank you so much for sharing all your stories. It helps a bit that I’m not alone in this.

Jamkan29 what you're doing is so strong and brave - and it is definitely ok to want intimacy and to feel desired. I had a similar experience of parents not loving me and unfortunately I married my mother...

Prepare for an emotional rollercoaster and surround yourself with support - have you told friends?

Thanks Misty, yes I’ve told a few friends now, most of whom said they weren’t that surprised as I’d been talking about these difficulties on and off for years. Having read what everyone’s been through I know I’ve got a long and difficult journey ahead of me if I push on with this. Will be interesting to see what these days away bring as I’ve never been away from my family before so I don’t know what I’m looking at!

Jamkan line up some jobs, books, box sets/Netflix series, hobbies - stuff to do to take your mind off it all.

It can & will be lonely at times, and lovely other times. My therapist said all these feelings are normal and just absorb them. All will be ok.

Good luck!

All ok here! We’re on holiday & having a great time. It’s so much more relaxed without H here, plus I’m happily doing everything rather than feeling bitter & resentful that there is a totally useless co-parent doing fuck all! DD said it’s the best holiday she’s been on! And she’s 4. Both kids really happy & relaxed. It’s wonderful.

But so much more to face when we get back.

Well I had the conversation yesterday and it was horrific. My DP pleaded and begged me not to leave him - his sobbing & wailing shocked me to the core and there was absolutely no way I could walk out on him in that way.

I relented, backed down and couldn't go through with it. I looked into his eyes and he was terrified.
Trouble is, I don't think it changes anything. His reaction left me reeling and deeply unsettled. I expected him to be devastated, but I wasn't expecting this. I don't know what to do.

Oh cheddar that sounds so horrendous. Perhaps now it's out there he at least knows and it won't be such a shock when further down the line you do split? He can let it sink in and get used to the idea? Or have you agreed to stay? Even if you have, stay for now is different to I love you I'll stay forever. His feelings don't override yours

@Misty9 it sure is awful. I'm booking some therapy for myself to try and learn how to approach this. I suppose my DP rarely shows his emotions so strongly and so this knocked me for six.
I have agreed to stay for now - but you're right, it doesn't mean forever. I just don't know where to go from here.

Hi Cheddarmonster, your experience mirrors exactly what happened to me when I told my DH three weeks ago. It was truly shocking to see someone you care about and who is normally so unemotional to be utterly devastated. I totally understand why you have agreed to stay for the time being. I have been fighting with this myself as it would be a far simpler thing to do quite honesty especially when he's saying he will change and do anything to make it work! I started seeing a counsellor too and she has really helped me to stay focused on what I want and need to do. At present I'm sticking with my guns and have been in a flat for a few days which I'm actually really enjoying. I'm back again on Wednesday though and I know he's hoping I'll say that I've changed my mind about the separation and will give the marriage another go. I don't want that but when I'm back at home my resolve is weaker. I think I just need to pluck up the courage to say it's final and that I do need to find my own place and all that goes with that. Good luck

horrible isn't is @Jamkan29? We actually had a much more lucid conversation last night that was still hard but he accepted a lot of the things I said. I've agreed to stay for a bit and try and make things work and I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't go without a bit of a fight. I owe this man that at least. But I don't know if we can come back from this. I think he felt rather ashamed at his reaction from the conversation on Sunday & I made him see that he surely doesn't want to force me to love him or stay. He nodded glumly, but I felt like a bitch who is holding my finger over the button that will end it all. It's a shitty place for us both to be in, but I just don't know what to do.

I owe this man that at least

Lovey, that line sounds very detached already. It's all about duty and fairness isn't it? Not about cherishing and fun.

You make an interesting point Seaeaglefeather. I imagine there are a fair few of us feeling the same degree of obligation to "give things another go" when faced with the emotional fallout from our spouses. I certainly feel under this pressure. I've had three glorious days away on my own and have to return home today where my DH will be pressuring me for an answer. I know he will have been hoping that I missed him terribly and want to sort things out but I haven't and I don't. So I've told him once about wanting to leave but now it feels like I've got to do it all over again. I hope everyone else is doing ok? How are you coping Misty in your new place?

Agreed. Will I feel like I didn’t ‘do everything’ if I don’t go back? Or should I go with what I know will be the ultimate outcome anyway?!

Misty I went through this when my DC were 6 and 4 (now 18 and 16).

It wasn't exactly amicable as he'd been having affairs but for the kids sake it was very civilised. We didn't sell our house - I kept it and paid him out his share as far as I could ( he still owns a small stake of the equity which I will have to give him when they finish further education). At first I really didn't necessarily want to keep the house - in a sense it was a place of broken dreams but over time I have made it mine with a new kitchen, furniture etc. (One day I will have something that is alll my own). When we split I did an inventory of everything in the house so he could pick what to take and to divide things fairly but in the end he didn't take much - leaving me with quite a lot to clear out, which I've tried to do successively - the loft just keeps re-filling itself!

We split having the kids so he had them every other weekend and every Wednesday till they hit GCSEs and started not going to his much. They just couldn't be arsed with trekking back and forth with all their revision stuff. I have to say though that I have really done everything child related - school applications, remembering trips, helping with revision timetables etc dealing with bullying or friendship problems. He's just come to parents evenings. The kids know this really.

At first the weekends without them were very tough but then when I got used to it I had a lot of fun. What helped me was having things to look forward to - maybe a weekend away with a friend or just a long walk and pub lunch with a friend, trying new hobbies etc. Later dating and all that jazz - I had a lot of adventures.

I also made sure that I was very fair in treating my ex and not bad mouthing him or weaponising the kids. This is essential so as not to fuck them up and because I always knew I wanted them to think very well of me when they were adults. They have both turned out very kind and well adjusted - people remark on what a great job I've done (though they do the usual lazy teens things like anyone else).

Splitting when they are very young is much better for them than if they were teens. My younger one doesn't really remember us all living together or going on holidays as a family which sometimes made him sad. And at first he was cross with me and said I'd made his Daddy go away because he didn't understand. We should probably have told them we were splitting up together. They both always knew that we both loved them - ultimately it was me my ex stopped loving! My ex loves his kids very much and is probably quite sad that he's not so close to them as they don't choose to spend a lot of time with him - he has paid a big price in that regard. I have done well with my relationships with them, in my career and made the most of life. I have bruises and scars but I've done the best I could.

You will be fine - it just establishing hew rituals and routines. And having fun with the kids. I've made sure we had a lot of laughs. Hide and seek in the woods. Switching all the lights off in the house and playing hide and seek with s torch. Day trips and shows. And some adventurous holidays. Now they are growing into adulthood they have a lot of great memories. I just wish I'd printed out more photos!

Have fun OP. Take heart. And don't forget to live with gusto!

I’m new here and would like to join the thread. Just found out my partner has cheated for the entire duration of our relationship. We have a son. I’ve left. I’m lonely, sad and heartbroken and feel sick everyday.

No advice really but I hope you find comfort that someone, somewhere is out there who knows EXACTLY how you feel and would give you a hug if they could

I know @SeaEagleFeather - I would argue it's not a sense of duty that is keeping me for another try, it's our shared history, our happy times, my sense of commitment. I'm on the cusp of a momentus life change and the emotional fallout will be huge. I have to be sure.

Yeah I get that cheddar I have the same. Had to try everything. In the process of separating now and I wish I'd done it many years ago in hindsight but you have to try dont you, or you'll get a corrosive worm of guilt

Joining the club (probably) once I can get over the sense of duty that cheddar refers to. Which isn't to him but to our history as a family on whatever wonky base of half-truths that was founded. Feel sick, tired and strangely cold to my bones. Shock?

@SeaEagleFeather - apologies, I mis-interpreted your tone in the first message I think. I'm sorry to hear you are going through similar. This truly is ghastly. I know it's my personality that makes it harder. Some of my friends simply shrug and tell me to pack a bag and leave. Sitting around waiting for divine intervention is not working for me either. I am going to have to take matters into my own hands sooner or later...

@cheerup sorry to hear you are joining this thread. We can't give up easily, but sometimes we just have to find the strength to put ourselves first...

Gaah!

Cheddarmonster - "just have to find the strength to put ourselves first". That's it exactly! I've been a wife for 23 years and a mother for 17 and everything in me screams "me last". I came home last night from 3 days away to tell him I want a proper separation and need to move out. It was truly awful and sorting out how to manage the kids and all the logistics looks like the highest mountain in the world. I'm aware I hold all the bloody cards and could stop this right now. So torn! It would be so much easier to say, "you know what, forget everything I've said, I've been having a moment, but I'll be fine and let's get back to where we were". Spinning on a coin atm.

Seaeagle - did you try one last time and then find that all the discontent was still there despite the efforts? You said you wished you'd separated earlier so does that mean you wish you hadn't put in those last efforts like I'm referring to doing now?

Hi Cheerup. Sorry you find yourself here too.

Finding the strength to put ourselves first is a very good description of what we're all facing. I got to the point of separation last summer but we decided to keep trying and sought counselling etc. I'm glad I did try that as I feel I can tell myself "I tried everything" - but, in reality I didn't try everything as I'd still be there if I held to that as my guide. I tried hard and that was enough. And my heart wasn't in it to try any longer. And that's ok.

Sorry to hear of everyone having a tough time. jamkan sounds really tough but also like you're doing the right thing welcome cheerup to the club.

I don't want to sound like a broken record but feeling pretty sad today. I'm facing another sunny bank holiday weekend alone and it's quite frankly depressing. I know there are lots of things I could do, and I know most parents would love some time to themselves. But I have too much, and I prefer company we're trying a new schedule so I will have the kids next weds-mon. I'm just existing really.