Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Please can I join you? Ive NC'd for this as many of my volunteering colleagues know my situation, and I'm sure they are MNetters.

I can't tell you how good it is to read your stories. I'm so sad many of us feel like this.

I don't know where to start. Married 20+ years, and I'm over 50. Dc's - none at home. DH's behaviour ramped up when he got a new job and he became very very stressed. The weekends were a nightmare, and if I hadn't had a teen around sitting major exams, I'd have left. DH then takes on a hobby which takes him out of the house a day a week, on top of working 6 days a week. I'm left attending every hospital appointment, school play... you get my drift. He's still coming home from doing said hobby, yelling etc. Teens certainly experience it. Sundays were the worst.

I have no handle on any of our financial affairs - I'm apparently hopeless with money. I'm given a housekeeping allowance, and now I have a joint credit card, so he can see what I spend.

I just totally 'Lost The Love'. Its the only way to get through the abuse... that I'd spent years normalising. Spoken to others who back me up in my gut feeling that DH is abusive. He's never hit me, but has uttered words and phrases often that fill me with fear and dread. He has a certain 'look'. (Ive done the Freedom Programme)

I took myself off to retrain a bit, having been a SAHM for 20 years, but have finished and find myself back in the 'hole', with no impetus to get out.

Saw a lawyer last autumn who suggested I remade my will; I did so, but DH found the draft copy 2 months ago. Despite years of saying I wasn't happy, that we needed counselling (I was, at the time, seeing a counsellor myself), he refused to budge.

Until he found the will...

Now, he's all sweetness and light; has made appointment to see Relate, and I know its because he doesn't want to lose half of the money. He says he'll "Fight for the Marriage" I'm hoping to get out intact, but am SUCH a people pleaser and very conflict avoidant (I used not to be) that I'm just finding excuses to stay.

My heart is not in this Relate session - I have to rip this plaster off. I feel like Ive given him so many chances - and I'm really not sure the 'new' man I see before me will carry on like that for the rest of our marriage.

Ive lost myself, my self confidence, and any ability to think on my own two feet.

Sorry for such a long post.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie and @colouringinpro

byebye (great nn) I don't think counselling is recommended if there's abuse/control? Have you spoken to women's aid?

I'm not much inspiration I'm afraid as am feeling really low today. I've got the kids this weekend but everything just feels shit. I'm being a horrible mummy too - dd was being stroppy and demanding so I threw a strop myself and walked out of the shop and stormed home with them rather than buy a picnic lunch (dd was complaining about everything). And ds is in one of his obsessive moods which I know is because he feels unsettled but I still don't handle it very well

They're now watching a DVD while I cry and hide in my room. Then they'll be gone tomorrow for 2 days and all next weekend. I can't get used to any of this.

Thanks, Misty - sorry it's so shit for you. I've recently taken up meditation which helps me stay a bit calmer, and focusses on the breathing. I try and fit in 10 minutes a day - even if I'm sitting in my car in a car park!

Maybe look into that as part of your 'Self Care' regime. I was quite dismissive, tbh, but I'm finding it helps.

Having read up about abuse and how it plays out, I hear it a lot on MN about not going to counselling with the abuser... However, my personal counsellor seems to think that its OK. Ive had to break off my sessions with her, because two lots of therapy can get very confusing.

DH thinks everything is OK because I'm being civil to him; he has no idea I have a solicitor, or that the draft will is no longer draft, and that I've signed it. He will go ape shit when he discovers and will loose his rag. Thats when it gets frightening. He is such a control freak.

He asked me why I hadn't asked his permission to remake my will!
Thats the kind of warped world I live in.

Hang on in there, Misty

Fuck I think I might have to join this group. Things are so bad :(

Hi everyone, just checking in!

@byebye yes I ‘lost the love’ too.

I left 10 weeks ago & for me so far it’s been mainly great. I don’t think about H at all when I don’t have to. Although H is begging for another chance now I need to be strong enough to tell him this is it & I want a divorce. Trying to work out the best way of having that chat or if it’s better to write a letter. Any advice welcome.

I went on holiday with the DC. I loved it. No stress, sadness, anxiety. Didn’t constantly have to wait for H to finish smoking a cigarette before we went anywhere. I thought it would be tough with 2 young DC on my own but it was fine.

I’ve got 3 more therapy sessions. So hoping I can get the big D conversation done with her help.

Sending you all hugs &

Hugs to ByeBye your OH is definitely abusive and controlling e.g. re money, permission to change will. Please be careful doing therapy with him.

Misty i hear you re struggling as a mum. I've been rubbish this weekend and could probably do with a big cry.

Moffa brilliant to hear your holiday was good. Stay strong.

to us all. And (though less for me this week )

Moffa I find I have more success writing to OH...

Hi Ladies I am sadly adding my post to this thread after reading since it started. My DH is moving out soon-he doesn’t have the money to rent a place yet so he’s moving in with his parents temporarily. But this means he can’t take the kids overnight so we are trying to plan for access. I don’t want him just popping in whenever I want a firm plan-anyone any suggestions?? He suggested today that I go to my parents for some weekend and he will stay here..I don’t know but suppose it would work for short term.

Big problems for now are telling the kids; fallout when we tell wider family and just getting on with this new reality. He has been working away on and off a lot and our relationship has been appalling for years so a separation is no shock to either of us but will be to my family etc.

Kids are my biggest worry -oldest-DD-has a very poor relationship with H- knows what’s going on and says she hates him and doesn’t want to spend any time with him - I wouldn’t blame her as he definitely doesn’t make any effort with her.

Older DS will be devastated and the one I worry about most- he’s only 11 and idolizes his dad -won’t want him to leave and will probably be hard to deal with when he does

Youngest DS8 is very close to me but will probably will be a bit bewildered by it all and won’t know how to react -least of my worries in the immediate term but I need to watch out for him all the same

This is so hard but at the end of the day both of us deserve better than the shit situation we are in now

I will check back in with everyone tomorrow- I just wanted to post and feel like someone knows what I am going through as I have yet to tell anyone irl -

Glad you managed to find this thread everyone although I doubt you really want to be here.

Misty, I'm sorry you're struggling in your rented place. Do you think it's just a time thing? It's still very early days for you. Despite all this you're still being there for your kids, you're doing great. Big hugs to you.

Moffa, good luck with the next conversation with DH. I had what I hope will be my 'final' separation talk with DH last night and made it clear it is not a trial when I move out. We ended up having sex over the weekend after too much to drink and it's just confirmed for me that there is no intimacy and I'm no longer in love with him. It's made me resolute about going even though I'm also dreading it.

Bye bye, I totally get what you mean about a lack of self confidence after all these years in this situation. I was there too for many years but I'm gradually clawing my way back. Counselling helped enormously as did forcing myself to go out with friends, update my wardrobe a bit, making myself apply for jobs. You will get there. You sound fairly certain to me that you are no longer in love with your DH and that you need to move on. You just need to believe it. Big hugs

Hi everyone,

Thanks @colouringinpro I find letters better too so I think I’ll go down that route - otherwise he railroads me.

Am currently waiting in a reception while he has his autism assessment.

My stomach is in knots. Take me back to my holiday! X

Hi all,

I have been lurking since the start of this thread but procrastinating with joining in, but I see so much of what I am going through with you all too and tbh I think my rl friends are sick of hearing about it

I told my OH I wanted to split back in March. Together 21 years, married 18, 2 kids, 11 and 6. Should have gone years ago but I have a fucked up background and no great experience of healthy adult relationships to draw on, and have had trouble with my mental health over the years. Which gives me the absolute fear of rejection and abandonment.

He's a good bloke, good job, great dad, super handy around the house, blah blah blah BUT I have felt lonely and unloved for more of our marriage than not. He has been increasingly cold towards and about me over the past few years and in the 6 months leading up to me telling him there were several last straw moments for me.

Something shifted in me and I went from being afraid of being alone to more afraid of living like this forever - outwardly lovely life, lonely and bored and dead inside. He hates my friends, resents my hobbies. We have grown apart I guess. I don't want my kids to have a marriage like this and I don't advise anyone choose a life partner at 21.

In the middle of all of this my grandmother died (we were v close) and I wrote my car off, so separation / divorce practicalities got pushed aside cos my MH took a turn for the worse. But now back on it, we need to work out how the actual fuck we can afford two places to live where the kids can overnight too, how we divide up their time then we need to actually tell them. I am so stressed about that. Currently coping by binge eating, staying up too late and drinking too much.

Anyway, long intro sorry!

Oh and gottobebrave I fret about it being my clearly advancing menopause talking too, but then I check the notebook where there is at least 10 years of occasional what is wrong with me / him / this life trauma poured out due to how he's behaved towards me and I remember what my therapist has said about this having been going on for a lot of years. I've gone back to the same therapist that saw me through a major depressive episode 10ish years ago, saved a few quid on the back story and I know he knows me well.

There is another part of me that thinks I will be alone forever now though, and who the fuck would want a dysfuntional, increasingly fat, (going to be) divorcee on the brink of menopause, and that he should be the one that needs to suffer through it with me. I'm hoping I can find someone that can make me feel alive again, but more important I guess I need to fix my own self esteem.

Tryingabitharder - so much of your post resonated with me. I also had and continue to have dysfunctional relationships with my parents and siblings and have been in and out of therapy for years during episodes of depression. Also perimenopausal at 48 so I understand that doubt about whether it's just another "breakdown" of sorts. But, I've come to recognise over time that the marital issues were playing a large part in the causation or my marriage, not the other way around. Ive allowed myself to be with a man who is emotionally withholding which has only fuelled my feelings of insecurity. While it might not feel now that you will meet anyone else and ever be happy, you might be surprised. I'm sort of reluctant to admit this but in the 8 weeks since I had the separation conversation I have met a man online who I have become good friends with, who is interested in me and who I plan to pursue things with once I've moved out of the marital home. I've been brutally honest with him about everything and he is still interested so I'm going with the idea that DH was not the right fit rather than I'm a fuck up who can't ever be happy. Have faith lovely X

Jamkan29 that's genuinely reassuring, thank you. Emotionally withholding is a good description, and yes, I do wonder how much of my MH issues have been due to this prison I've made myself.

I am planning to be single for a while, I have gone from one shit long-term relationship to a shit marriage and never been a single adult. I need that I think to work out all the healthy inner strength and boundaries stuff. Having said that, my final final straw was a chance meeting with an old friend and feeling a ludicrous spark between us, which escalated to messages over a few weeks (he lives hundreds of miles away) and made me realise that someone else might find me attractive / want to spend time / have fun in life with me. It made me think just how off kilter my marriage had gone, and that I'd not have crossed that line to talking with someone else like that if I was happy. He's a goner now, ghosting fucker, but that's for the best imo! I need to push on with separating from OH in the way that's least harmful to the kids.

hi trying, I'm also in the staying single camp - I need to figure out who on earth I am. I have been in two LTRs in my life and I think now I just need to work out whether I can live independently and hopefully one day find a mutually fulfilling relationship.

I'm gearing up for conversation #2 - I just need a plan of where I will stay after it is done. I'm absolutely dreading it, but I can't delay much longer. Have started looking at flats and considering my options - part excited, part terrified (as in sheer terror).

Thanks for all your messages of support.

DH is now behaving soooooo well, that I honestly fear for my sanity. I feel the Relate session this evening is going to fall flat because its been at least 10 days since we've had a shouting match.

My counsellor said that I (and many others) hang onto relationships due to "The Hope"...
She said it keeps us hanging on in there, hoping that things will get better, or hoping that things will stay as good as they are.
Thats me!

DH puts a lot of his behaviour down to work stress, and is actively trying to downscale his commitments... but I feel it's too little and too late.

Anyway, I DO NOT want to be personally responsible for him chucking in his job, which (apart from his hobbies) is all that he lives to do. That could come back and bite me on the arse...

byebye, I am kind of glad reading that that my OH refused to go to counselling if I didn't see us staying together. I thought it would be a good idea to see how not to fuck up again and to ease moving to being co-parents but he has 'no desire to find out what he needs to change' so we now just live in the same house in different rooms avoiding each other completely, poor kids. If it's too little too late for you then it is. I wrote myself a list of reasons why I was going to see this through when my OH turned up the charm after I told him. Thing is, I don't believe he could be like that permanently, and even if he could I don't think I could forgive him for 15+ years of crapness. I've spent my entire adult life in this relationship and it's full of regret.

cheddar, do you have kids too? I was all set to move out just to make some space, then I went to see a solicitor who said that was a terrible idea as I am the financially weaker party. Still spend a lot of my life looking at rentals, and houses for sale back near my mum, which would give me a completely different (better) quality of life (where I live now is expensive) but I can't begin to think about taking them so far away from their dad :(

trying - It's the forgiveness thing I CAN'T do... but I'm trying.

Why is a solicitor trying to persuade you to stay put, because you're the weaker party financially? The starting point is usually 50/50 split. That doesn't make sense from a) the advice I've been given and b) what Ive read on MN. Are you able to elaborate?

byebye it was about me wanting to move to rented asap. Something about the fact that a tenancy would be all my liability, and he is effectively paying the mortgage now, so I'd be daft to heap costs onto myself. And moving out of the family home seems to look bad in court somehow.

We have a financial advisor coming around tomorrow to see how complicated it all is. I am frightened. I think we'll need to sell the house, and he'll not realise that he'll be expected to support me for a while till I get back to earning more.

I also haven't told him that I saw a solicitor, or that I actually want a divorce.

and, how did your relate session go?

I read 'how do you like me now' last night thinking it would be chick lit and easy. saw so much familiar stuff in the shit relationship in it. Then at the end it said that the relationship described is toxic and emotional abuse. Couldn't get it out of my head. Read lots on EA this morning. My OH ticks every box apart from the threatening stuff. I don't know why, and I don't think its control, more a lack of emotional ability, but I am so done living around the edges of him.

@tryingabitharder
It went ok, I suppose. We had a man counsellor which I think H liked; we'd tried before with a very aggressive lady who bought out the worst in us both. He was more passive.

We came home and watch TV!

I'm not sure what to expect, really. Its going over old ground to my mind...

Hi all. Sorry to hear of those who are stuck in limbo land - it's a truly horrible place to be I also completely relate to the people talking about emotional neglect/withdrawal. There was almost no connection of any kind with H by the end. I'm now dealing with having no emotional care from a significant other and it feels lonely - but it wasn't much different in the marriage.

I won't go as far as to say I've turned a corner...but after a horrid few days I've been feeling a bit more positive this last couple. I've even joined the dating thread maybe that's the natural progression after this one?! I had asked H how he was feeling about the separation (I don't want to reunite but wanted to hear his thoughts first rather than him just parroting mine) and he has told me in no uncertain terms that he's happier without me in true H direct fashion! Well, it's clear at least! So, time to move on. It actually helps me feel less guilty for being the one to finally pull the plug on the marriage. Time to put myself and the kids first in our new chapter

@Misty9 I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel a bit more positive, although I guess it's good and bad days? I've just found a rental property and have made an offer so will see what happens. My DH insisted on coming with me and is being so kind and reasonable, it's really difficult. I sometimes feel I'm losing sight of why I did this in the first place because he's so different with me these days. Is it normal to have these moments of wavering?? I'm sure after 27 years the disentangling can't all be straightforward or is that just rubbish?? The conversation where we sit the kids down is looming ever closer and I'm dreading that.

Definitely normal to waver yes - and I remember it being weirdly conversational between us about the logistics of it before I left. Once I left the family home it was a lot more real and there was much less opportunity to even talk to each other that wasn't about the kids (much like our marriage tbh). I had a big waver last weekend thinking I may as well be miserable in the marriage if it meant the kids were stable in one home. It was only ex telling me he is happier now we've split that I've put those thoughts to bed as it doesn't even look like an option!

It is definitely good days and bad. But ripping off the plaster bloody hurts first