Ending it over porn

[WithAllIntenseAndPurposes]

Repeated denied use that is. He is off work today due to weather conditions (outside worker)
I popped back and found him with his hands down his pants on the sofa watching porn hub.
I've seen his phone history. He's denied it. Wasn't him. Was just looking with his mates at work. Someone sent him a link. He knows how I feel about it yet has managed to make me feel like I'm crazy imagining things etc.
I feel like I need to end things now. Together 20 years next year. The rot has well and truly set in. He makes no effort to look nice does nothing around the house and has zero ambition at all
I just feel like people will think I'm overreacting

OK I think there are far wider issues in your relationship, which you have briefly touched upon.
What is it about porn that you object to generally? Can you appreciate that you yourself may object to watching porn but for others (including your DH) they don’t share this objection? It’s a personal thing. I guess the lying is because he sees no big deal about it and doesn’t want to argue or discuss it. I suppose it would be like me eating crisps and my partner objecting to it. I might not mention if I had some crisps at lunch time. If he asked and I knew he would get angry with me, I might just say I didn’t eat any crisps.

Totally agree with you Op it would be over for me too.

To

Only slightly off topic as I have no advice but a question.

What is the issue with porn?
My DP watches it, and I also watch it. I dont have any higher expectation of what I want from my DP by watching porn and I assume he thinks the same as me. I do wonder if it's an age thing, I'm early 20's and DP is early 30's so maybe the younger generations dont have such an issue with it. But then I dont know your age OP that's just my general assumption.

Porn is just there when the other isn't.. I dont understand the stigma behind it being a bad thing. To end a twenty year relationship over porn is absolutely daft.

I cant speak for the not making an effort that would be a deal breaker..

katy78 - I think you're being rather disingenuous when you compare watching porn and wanking, with eating a packet of crisps. There is really quite a difference. Fewer people would wank off whilst eating a packet of crisps, I would imagine, than have a wank whilst watching porn. No comparison whatsoever, and a very silly analogy. I feel you and some other posters are being unfair to the OP.

The man in question was meant to be working, but instead unexpectedly found himself at home due to weather conditions. So instead of helping around the house (as most people living in a mutual living space would do) he watches porn and wanks himself off. There really is something rather creepy about that. Why would he not prefer to help his wife/partner with the housework, whilst she is out at work, then perhaps prepare a nice meal and suggest a romantic evening, showing that he cares for her as a person and spend some quality romantic time together?

The OP is not objecting to the porn so much, more … he has let himself go #(doesn't try to look nice) and doesn't make an effort with the relationship. In which case - yes, OP - ditch him. He's a wastrel, not worthy of your time.

I don’t see much difference, actually. I suspect similar numbers wank (with porn) as eating crisps (within certain age brackets). I also see it (personally) as on par in trivial terms.

I don’t see why you can’t have a 5min wank and then help out with the housework? I think you are being ridiculous.

And I think you are being ridiculous.
So there we have it

Goodness me! So, he watches porn. Lots of men (and some women) do. Why is this a big issue? Porn is acting. Some people watch soaps. They are acting. No big deal and certainly not something to have an argument or contemplate leaving someone over.

He had his hand down his pants? He was masturbating. Do you never masturbate? I feel sorry for you if you don’t.

There are bigger issues here, but I don’t think porn is one of them.

Every man does not watch porn, that is utter nonsense. Dh has never watched porn. I have never watched porn.

The point from the OP being (as I understood it) - he doesn't help with housework, he has let himself go, makes no effort. Normal people could have a 5-min wank (if that is what floats their boat) and still help out around the mutual home, the home that is shared with the person they love. OP's partner appears to be not doing that at all. The porn-watching is the added insult and disrespect. (It would be for me, anyway).

My partner and I have been together for 32 years - porn not needed, housework shared. Happy days!

I wouldn’t like it either, the porn or the lieing.

Porn is not part of our relationship. Not everyone watches porn.

I don’t get why people are ignoring all the other points op made is lazy, no effort or ambition and also lying to her and gaslighting her. And the porn thing is totally offputting if it is something he is doing constantly as it sounds like. Occasional porn viewing is probably no big deal but constant is horrible and especially if it causes other problems such as sexual problems between the couple.

People are rushing in to try to be ‘cool’ with porn viewing.

Maddy762 you genuinely believe that every single man in the world watches porn?

That's a ludicrous claim

"However if anyone tried to tell me how often, where and how to masturbate - i’d tell them to mind their own bodies."

When did porn use become synonymous with wanking, at least for men?

Men can manage to knock one out without watching porn. Well most of them can anyway. Of course some get into a situation where they can't wank without porn and I'd say that's really not a good thing.

Why do people insist on conflating masturbation and porn. It is perfectly feasible to masturbate (which I think is fine) without porn (which I don't) I know plenty of men who say they object to porn, though of course I can't, and wouldn't want to, police their private habits. One of them is single and extensively uses a 'fuck-buddy' site - where all parties have expressed a wish for sex, defined what sex they want, and nobody is being commodified for money. It's not about being puritanical, it's about respect.
All that aside, you know what you find acceptable and what your boundaries are OP and those are what matter, not the opinion of anyone else.

Anyway OP YANBU

He's lying to you, slobbing around.

Not even trying I mean if he wanted not to get caught the front room is not the place to do it!

I think your relationship has run its course. You don't have to tell anyone else why you finished it.

Beat me to it MeAgainAgain

"Then leave then... what are you doing on here?"

Just reading through thread.
WTF some people get REALLY ANGRY when there are posts about porn use that aren't oh it's so awesome and such a great industry and everyone watches porn all the time and that's brilliant and etc

It's really odd.

"Porn is acting. Some people watch soaps. They are acting. "

Wow. OK

A klaxon goes off somewhere whenever there's a thread on MN about porn doesn't it.

Why do people call porn acting? Yes there may be some acting in terms of how enjoyable the sex is but the sex is real. Sex for money ie prostitition on a screen, how is that acting?

So that people can pretend that when they watch "Teen gang banged destroyed" etc and they have no idea of the situation of any of the people involved, that it's all pretend and so they don't have to engage with ideas about coercion, trafficking, effect on men and women more widely and so on.

Loads of porn is incredibly racist as well, probably that's fine too as "acting" just like Eastenders or similar.

No one said anything about racist or teen porn. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I really hate this idea that because “all men do it”, all women have to accept it. As much as someone is entitled to watch porn, others are entitled not to want to be in a relationship with someone who uses it.

I’ve been in relationships with 2 porn sick guys. The first had a fetish for rubber and could only cum if I was dressed up. It was devastating and ruined my confidence. The second liked more main stream stuff, which is pretty extreme today - lots of forced deep throating, humiliation and pain. It sickens me that most men get off by seeing women treated in this way. He expected sex to be like that, no pleasure in it for me. I decided when I walked away that I’d never be with a porn sick guy again.

My current partner does watch porn occasionally, but very vanilla stuff and not all that often. I’m happy with that, even though I don’t like the porn industry in general, his use is within my personal boundaries, which we’re all allowed to have. No woman (or man) should be told they have to accept porn use in a relationship, and laughed at for feeling uncomfortable with it.

As a side, I also decided I’d never be with a man who wouldn’t pull his weight at home, would anyone here suggest that “no man wants to clean a house so you’re stupid for expecting him to do an equal share”?

Crowdo - Most porn is derogatory in one way or another. Either using white or black females, teenagers (just under age to make it "exciting" enough for (usually) male viewing. Having read this thread, I'd now have to extend that to some female viewing too - tragic.

Any porn belongs in the gutter, Crowdo. Are you a man? (Just asking, research purposes, you understand)

I think I am the female version of your husband. Guess I'm gonna get dumped soon. Best pack my bags.