Ending it over porn

[WithAllIntenseAndPurposes]

Repeated denied use that is. He is off work today due to weather conditions (outside worker)
I popped back and found him with his hands down his pants on the sofa watching porn hub.
I've seen his phone history. He's denied it. Wasn't him. Was just looking with his mates at work. Someone sent him a link. He knows how I feel about it yet has managed to make me feel like I'm crazy imagining things etc.
I feel like I need to end things now. Together 20 years next year. The rot has well and truly set in. He makes no effort to look nice does nothing around the house and has zero ambition at all
I just feel like people will think I'm overreacting

All I can say is having been in a similar position and finding some webcam sites in my H's ipad cookies by accident a couple of years ago when i went to use his ipad , I went into overdrive because there was no way i was happy being with someone looking at webcams. Have been married over 20 years. Its all very well talking about 'privacy' but how on earth do you find out these things that are totally beyond your boundaries of 'ok' unless you check it out, never felt the need to in the past. Anyway I found out my H uses it as a habit like brushing his teeth 4/5 times a week the minute I'm out the house, if I go away for a night it can be 2 or 3 sessions in one night and again next morning before I am back. Its virtually all girl on girl stuff or girls masturbating solo, but not webcam stuff .. Am I ok with it, not one bit, mainly because it made me realise why he has always been only really interested in 'oral' stuff. He obviously has a huge fetish on it. he is also sneaky and will call me when I am out, basically to check when I am coming back. he doesn't know that I know and is careful, I just know how to read a router. Things is if it was a couple of times a month or when away from home, then I wouldn't give too much of a shit. This kind of use and the sneakiness feel totally disrespectful, and dishonest (he has told me in casual conversation he uses it occasionally when away with work) I almost choked on my tea. I would say to you ladies who are oblivious, keep it that way, if you actually saw the sleazy shizzle many watch and how often, you probably would go right off them and not feel the same yet feel an urge to check. .I think its the lies, hypocracy , secrecy and sheer frequency that annoy a lot of women, especially when you are married to 'new men' who pretend to be very ethical on all things. I haven't left but I think its possible I will at some point and its not actually just the porn, its the lack of manners and the fact that for me its killed romance/sexual attraction.

@Deathgrip

Interesting name

If she wanted to control the sexual availability of other females' to her partner. Then she'd be saying watch as much porn as you like but you're not allowed to be friends with women at work. Or something

Do you understand even slightly how an endless stream of novel, new women to wank over affects a relationship? The impact of porn addiction on sex with someone, let alone a relationship? Read the link I posted above. Most porn addicts are terrible in bed, don’t fulfil or care about their partner’s enjoyment, often cannot ejaculate from sexual acts other than masturbating themselves, are no longer turned on by real sex. This idea is that porn is this harmless, universally used bit of fun despite the very real ramifications for women (young women especially) is wrong and very disturbing. I’m amazed some women can’t see this, especially those who like porn themselves and so turn a blind eye.

Yes, my name comes from the fact that I have experienced a longterm relationship with a porn addict suffering from this, so I know from personal experience how insidious and destructive it is. My ex went from using relatively benign porn to violent, abusive, degrading horror-filled stuff in search of a greater buzz, just like a drug addict. Except that his addiction led to him violently sexually assaulting me on many occasions (not that he could ejaculate, of course). Belted round the face full strength, spat on, choked and more. I too was gaslit to believe that high level of porn consumption was common to all men. The fact is that it isn’t. I’ve had partners I’ve lived and shared computers with (pre-mobile phones) who never looked at porn, ever. They didn’t like it. End of story.

I totally agree Deathgrip. Ive noticed my H doesn't seem to have the patience anymore in standard sex (he hasn't gone off sex at all though--but I certainly have!!) he ends up pulling out half way and just wants to give me oral (which i used to like) and then finish himself off. I find it all really distasteful when i know what he watches. It may be harmless entertainment for many women on here as it doesn't really affect their behaviour or performance or sex drive and doesn't lead them to seek out 'hook ups or one on one webcamming performances ' (massive amounts of this on all the big sites for those who are unaware) but the same doesn't seem true with many men . For many (not all i know) who get hooked, it becomes obsessive and sneaky and can damage relationships .

I have no idea if any of the men with whom I had relationships ever watched porn. I'm not saying all but think a majority of men do watch it. I have zero interest. The only thing that would make me call it a day is if it impacted on my life, ie they then expected our sex to change because of what they had been watching.

You say He makes no effort to look nice does nothing around the house and has zero ambition at all and they are far better reasons to end it.

We are usually 'with' our partners married or not because they represent a certain type of man we find appealing and are attracted to, to find they are not quite how you thought is a bit of a jolt. I almost envy those gals who are with guys who are geezers, fully admit to this stuff and the women know all about their habits right from the offset and boundaries discussed and agreed on and kept to , at least you know what you are getting and can make choices from the offset. I appreciate some women don't have an issue with it at all and that's fair enough but in my experience lots of women, particularly over 40 , do have an issue with it being ever present or sneakily used and then denied.

OP What you have described would make me feel that it was all over too.

Porn is vile and your DH sounds lazy and disrespectful.

Bertrand and co you have argued cogently and valiantly

Basically DH can do as he likes but you don't have to like it or put up with it.

To those who think there is no problem with porn. Or with getting a stripper for a hen or stag. Or going to a lap-dancing club. Or hiring a butler in the buff.

You, and those in the industry who claim to be willing participants, are each helping to perpetuate a climate in which human beings are seen as commodities to be bought and sold. It's been the case since time immemorial of course, but one would have thought that in these more enlightened times, an awareness of the effects of this acceptance and normalisation might have made more people question their actions.

Sorry OP - you seem to have your head screwed on and I hope you find your resolution.

I do agree with the OP that if she feels he's not putting in sufficient effort, she should leave him, twenty years marriage or not. Everyone deserves to feel like their partner is giving their absolute most to the relationship.

Eww to poetry. Feeling powerful in porn so write some poetry? Sure. As someone else said for an industry that uses kids for porn, and is drawing in some 90+ million viewers it doesn’t mean any of its okay.
Poetry ain’t going to change that and abused people cannot see beyond their life/lens, so often accept the abuse as normal and will try and feel powerful within their situations. (We see this in the broken relationships and hideous marriages posted on mumsnet all the time with their abusive scenairso. People accept abuse as normal). Sad but true. How horrific for your poetry friends. I suppose their poetry hides their feelings and so it gets them by. It’s called survival.

user I've had a very similar experience and it took me 4 years to leave. Unfortunately it killed the love knowing my partner was happy to have cyber sex with other women- to me it's only a short step to prostitution.

Since leaving and starting a new relationship I've realised how much my partners porn use affected our sex life (All the stuff you say about fetishes - plus he always wanted to go for hours). I would not go with a habitual porn user again.

Porn is damaging in so many ways.

Sass do you have the link to those screenshots they are a bit blurry. I would also like to show some friends.

No sorry. I just have the screenshots. They are not blurred, but they have become blurred when copied onto here. I can try and send them to you in a private message on here, if you want? Alternatively, here is 10 ex pornstars stories, that might be a good alternative.

fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

I don't happen to care about the use of porn. If someone I was with watched it then I really wouldn't care. However I would care about being lied to. Lies are toxic and break trust and I have no time for that nonsense.

Thank you. Sending them privately would be appreciated.

Mumunerthemoon, I agree that it’s the lying that’s the real killer, if they don’t think its’that bad’ why lie about it. I actually told my H in casual conversation (not about him) that I dont mind the odd bit and he said ‘not that bothered, just would look occasionally when away’ but that’s most definitely not what’s been going on . This is an intelligent middle class guy .

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/18/research-suggests-all-men-watch-pornography_n_930349.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAKTuhGz95C1K4S9TcjBUSUNNKwnnGN6DK3TWU73JzK5B3LKxK1MMmIf8KXHUfH-m7unVY8V78FCjTT2y9gENOJ7NJN7i_gt5V3V30m-ZwySaRM2EyUo8lPX-mLmy7Qn-ePMXodUvnA44UNgNcDCNIkRQpvmNVeefIkerBVrEjyhf