Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can’t sleep. Confronting him in the morning.

173 replies

LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 02:46

I’m so upset. 99.9% sure he has cheated on me. The facts don’t add up. Even if they did, his approach to when I asked for reassurance was telling. Feeling like I’ve been gaslit. I feel sick. Please hold my hand.

OP posts:
Harmonyrays · 12/03/2019 02:50

Hand holdFlowers do you want to share more?

Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 02:54

Thank you so much, Harmony.
I’m not sure what to share. Had some suspicions but he made a mistake on some facts & gave it away. I can’t ask him about it as he gets very cross & defensive and says he gets tired of being doubted.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:02

Question is, do i meet him at his house, where I can show more evidence, or in public place we usually meet at?

OP posts:
liamhemsworthsrealwife · 12/03/2019 03:06

Do you need to meet him? It doesn't sound like he's going to own up. He will likely just get pissed off any gaslight you more if that's what he's been doing already.

Honestly I would just end it over a message or call. Once the trust is gone what is the point? Thanks

Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:10

Yes, Liam I was thinking the same. Either he has cheated, or he’s not being straight, so I can’t trust him. Neither is good.

He’s already making out that I am paranoid and imagining things. At least in his house, I can show him. Let’s face it, he’s hardly going to put his phone out to demonstrate his innocence.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:11

But maybe you’re right. At some distance might give me more strength & show him I mean business. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MrHaroldFry · 12/03/2019 03:17

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
For what it is worth, I say this as someone who learned this lesson too late; walk away and don't look back. Don't go down the route of torturing yourself, the trust has gone. Oh, and you did nothing to create this situation. It was his choice to cheat.
End it by text and give yourself peace of mind.

Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:20

MrHaroldFry thank you for this. There have been a few red flags but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. This last thing was more detailed. To be told by him that it’s exhausting to have to explain maybe says it all.

Can you help, please? Why would you end it by text? Prevent more gaslighting?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:22

He may not have cheated, but certainly betrayed. I hate to sound dramatic, but betrayal of trust is not good, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 03:25

How do I even phrase the text?
I’ve never been in this position before.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 04:08

Sorry to keep posting. Would appreciate advice.
Do i say - too many red flags to continue
Or do I give him the evidence?
I am so unsure. He’s bound to go around saying I’m paranoid & have trust issues.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 12/03/2019 04:08

Personally I'd go completely cold on him, psychologically turn my back (you have to be strong and not contact him even if he phones or texts) be COMPLETELY nonchalant
If he wants you he'll come running once he gets the message and if not he's not worth it

Aussiebean · 12/03/2019 04:10

Depends on your relationship history, but you could just go with

‘I have been thinking about this for a while and I have come to realise that we aren’t compatible. So now is a good time to end it so we can both find someone else more suited’

Might annoy him more then you accusing him of cheating Grin

Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 04:14

Thank you, both!
He runs a bit when I am cold but he did that thing of being extra nice and caring at the moments when he was texting or meeting OW.

It has been nearly a year. A red flag for pretty much every month Sad

Thank you for the suggested words Aussie

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 04:17

Of course what I really want to do is scream at him WHY he did x and y, if he wasn’t thinking if having sex with someone else?

I can’t let it eat me up. I’m so sad inside. Thought he was a good guy.

OP posts:
OnlineAlienator · 12/03/2019 04:24

My text would just say something along the lines off 'im done here, just not that into you any more tbh, have a nice life and never contact me again, if you do it will be judged as harassment. Thanks.' Do you need another reason? He'll be all ready with the bullshit about not cheating, but you wont be interested.

I wouldnt waste my life meeting up and listening to his prattling tbh. If you are 100% sure, what else is there to say?

Aussiebean · 12/03/2019 04:25

Sometimes the best way of dealing with people who like playing games, is to stop playing.

You know he has cheated, you know he will deny it, accuse you of being crazy and has light you.

Stop playing his game, end it and move on.

Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 04:32

Thank you both. It’s so helpful to get a sense of perspective.

I think you’re both right, he would only accuse me of being crazy/paranoid/have trust issues.
I want him to know how I know, but I think he has already duped a few mutual friends so that I look paranoid and unreasonable.

Very true. If I stay in this, I will always be wondering about his games. Not good to play them, too.

I feel so sick. Like I don’t know who he is any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeCasting · 12/03/2019 04:32

Moving on will be so painful. Sad

OP posts:
liamhemsworthsrealwife · 12/03/2019 04:43

I agree. I would end it but not bother with the cheating stuff. He knows you know, and will only deny it and call you crazy.

Just tell him you're ending it because you realised you're not compatible. I know you want him to prove himself or fight for you somehow but even if he does make some grand gesture, you will only be back in this place in 6 months time, feeling crazy again.

End the relationship on your terms. Walk away and don't look back. Block him and keep busy. Don't let him take over your mind.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 12/03/2019 04:44

Can you think of it instead as a relief?

You have only been dating a year and every month there has been a red flag, that’s not normal. You are escaping a toxic relationship and a lying cheat- that to me is a massive relief! You could be ten years down the line when you find this out, with kids together! Thank goodness you are not!

catzrulz · 12/03/2019 04:46

Moving on will be painful, however you won't be living with the red flags or wondering if he will do it again. The friends he has duped will find out the truth at some point, so remember that.
Time to think of you and what you want.

Aussiebean · 12/03/2019 04:47

If it’s only been a year, then this is the real him. You are on your best behaviour at the beginning of relationships, now he is relaxing and being himself.

Now you know the real him, you are doing the smart and clever thing by moving on.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 12/03/2019 04:54

Confront him directly, but not in public. If you are not happy with answers move on.

HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 12/03/2019 05:30

It doesn't really matter if he has cheated or not. The important part is that you don't trust him, and don't sound like you want to be in a relationship where you will always wonder about his fidelity. That is no way to live.

You don't share children/pets/living space so don't even have to untangle your lives that much. Stop bothering with his bullshit. Send him a text or call him to say that the relationship isn't really working for you and you're ending it, but of course you wish him well for the future.

You don't need a 'reason' to dump someone. Keep your dignity, don't confront him and give him ammunition to bad-mouth you by trying to get him to confess to being a cheat and a gas-lighter. Then forget him, and hope the next man you meet isn't a tit like this one.

And if anyone asks why you broke up, don't launch a rant about him being a cheating fucker. Just shrug and smile and say you weren't right for each other. Then if he goes round saying what a paranoid madwoman you are, your calm behavior won't match the story he is spinning.