Can’t sleep. Confronting him in the morning.

[LifeCasting]

I’m so upset. 99.9% sure he has cheated on me. The facts don’t add up. Even if they did, his approach to when I asked for reassurance was telling. Feeling like I’ve been gaslit. I feel sick. Please hold my hand.

Well done OP

Well done OP. I was coming on to respond to your earlier 'how will I cope' message to say that your life with him in it sounds horrendous and it will likely be a massive relief but I see you have discovered that for yourself. Stay strong. I'm sure there will be more wankery to come!

Well done OP, I was cheering for you as I read that you had ended things! Definitely block him!

Some books that may be useful (fellow autist here)and can I just say that the wanker should never have been allowed back into your life after his reaction to your diagnosis! He doesn’t deserve the awesomeness of an autistic woman!

First: why does he do that

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&crid=F6ETQ1Z8D2X8&keywords=lundy+bancroft+why+does+he+do+that&sprefix=Lundy+bancroft%2Cstripbooks%2C151&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid=1552412133&sr=1-1

Then the Aspie girls Gide to being safe:

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspie-Girls-Guide-Being-Safe/dp/1849053545/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_2?s=gateway&keywords=sex+and+relationships+Asperger+autism+women+girls&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid=1552411752&sr=8-2-

Then Safety skills for Asperger women

www.amazon.co.uk/Safety-Skills-Asperger-Women-Perfectly/dp/1849058369/ref=pd_sbs_14_2/261-3812201-2324806?psc=1&pf_rd_p=18edf98b-139a-41ee-bb40-d725dd59d1d3&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=XA3gG&pf_rd_r=0A4A3RXSFWEKZ4EQSPV1&pd_rd_i=1849058369&pd_rd_w=VlVmt&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=Y&pd_rd_r=5eb52097-44ec-11e9-91ee-71dd481e0347

You might have read them already but the if not they seem great. They are on my far too long reading list although I have read several of Rudy Simones books and found them really useful.

Wow! Just read the whole thread and you’ve gone from down and out to superstar

I was going to post in relation to your comment about moving on being painful and wanted to point out that not moving on sounded equally or more painful with his cheating/gaslighting. Keep that in mind if you ever have a weak millisecond

Wonderful. Thank you for continued support, my lovely MN friends, and for the reading list, ClaireElizabeth. I will get reading!

The fact that I feel like a weight has been lifted, like I will sleep better tonight, and that I don't have to check my mobile every 30 seconds ("Where are you?" "I've just been sleeping" "feeling fragile", all his regular statements) says it all.

Of COURSE there have been 2 further texts. I haven't opened them, but in one he is trying to work out when my "systematising" started. Blame the ASD, naturally! And the other saying some other such wankerings. Both, of course, are to see if I have blocked him (would he be able to tell?).

I;m sorry, I shall say here what I want to say to him: Ha ha fuck you, arrogant arse. All those times you ignored my texts and I had to write text after text to engage you and get your attention. Now how does it feel?

He didn't expect me to dump him first. Let alone the fact I would be strong enough to resist.

I'm sure there will be further wankerings. I'm not even tempted to read them. I look at my phone and LOVE the fact it says '3' for all 3 of his unread texts. He had an extremely good thing and he pissed all over it. Bet he didn't think I would mean business.

I hope I don't sound aggressive! I'm not! I am defending myself. I love it that some of you have mentioned my boundaries, because I have had to work on these over the years.

Evenings are usually hardest... have bought a bath bomb and will chill in a mo. No alcohol again for me, I need to stay focused. Barely slept last night, so will sleep like a baby tonight. Especially without his piggy snoring!

Are these messages on WhatsApp? If you want to read them but don’t want him to see that you have put your phone on aeroplane mode, make sure all WiFi etc is off etc and then read them. Make sure you close the app after! That way it won’t show him they have been read. Works on iPhones.
But of course it depends if you do want to read them!

An image and two more messages, one explaining his movements with precision on Friday night (he has still forgotten that I am basing this on a whole host of other clues and fuck-ups he made with facts), another ending with "I will not bother you with more messages".

Too fucking right, love! You can go bother your airhead ego massagers.

Lokis No, they are on text, but thanks for the tip! I think, as per your last sentence, I actually don't even want to read his bullshit right now.

Ok please just delete his messages and block him. whether or not he sees that you've read them it doesn't matter. What he thinks or feels is no longer your concern. Once you block him you won't read any more of his crap. I know it's hard but whilst you're still engaging to a point, even if it's by not reading the messages that you can see he's sent, he's still occupying your thoughts. Don't waste any more thoughts on him and let him be someone else's problem.

No I bet you don’t. It’s just him trying to control the situation I expect.

Breakups are shit though. I’m 2 months out the other side of one and I do feel better, it does get easier. You’ve got this!

Thank you, thank you. Loki I'm sorry about your break up. I had one, first one after my divorce which was soooo painful. I can see now, on the bright side, I understand my feelings this time and what to expect.

Musti Yes, I suppose I am engaging to a point still. I just want to make sure that he is as predictable as I think. Yup, still trying to control the situation, as predicted. I don't want to delete in case they need to come up later (he has form) but instead I am getting all my friends to text me so that his name gets pushed down. For now.

I am reflecting. I am finding bigger moments where he does not occupy my mind. I know it will get easier. This is just a reflective moment.

Next time your with someone you trust i.e. Friend, work colleague. Get them to open your phone, open the messages, take screen shots, message to your friend and then delete from your phone and block his number. That way you can enjoy your phone again without him slapping his ass under your nose xx

@LifeCasting, firstly well done for taking such brave and decisive action. I’ve no doubt life will get so much better and happier for you.

If you go into Settings > Messages on your iPhone, and turn off the ‘Send Read Receipts’ button, he won’t be able to see that you’ve read it. If he’s used to seeing read receipts from you, which presumably he is, he’ll know that the absence of them means his contact requests are hitting a brick wall.

You can also swipe left on the message thread to turn off notifications from him. Messages will still reach you, but you won’t be alerted to them. You can read them when you’re feeling strong enough to, or have a friend etc do that, without the disruption or attention grab of his name/witterings appearing on your screen.

It took me a really long time to see him for what he was and I did go back a few times before the penny really dropped and I realised he’d done too much damage and was too much of an emotional fuckwit for it to work. I had the ‘I miss you, can’t be without you’ messages yet he couldn’t actually bring himself to really commit. It’s like he wanted to live his life with me running along side his but with me making no emotional demands on him. And I also realised it’s easy to say you miss someone and do fuck all about it. The words are meaningless.

One day something clicked and I’d had enough. I’m not saying that was easy though and I still loved him. When I was angry it was ok, I was fuelled by it, then that settled and I was just sad. A friend likens it to grieving and I know what she means. It hits me sometimes but I do know in the long run I’m better off without him.

Also I listened to the baggage reclaim podcast a lot. It really helped as at times I thought I was going insane.

Anyway I’m waffling but I know how tough it is and it’s not as simple as turning a switch off and pretending he never existed.

Thank you all for tips and suggestions. I will do all that when strong enough to open.

I’m sorry for going on but I need to post here what I want to tell him. I want to tell him he is such a fuckwit. How DARE he insult my intelligence!
I now realise:

• why he needed so much sleep
• why he would take me and one “female friend” to the same bars & restaurants (to avoid a mix up in his mind)
• his sudden urge to “shut out” and watch a box set andnot text me until next morning. Yeah right!!!
• needing to buy razors & toothbrushes all the time and putting it down to life between 2 abodes
• recent need to tidy up one place and get rid of boxes. Yeah right
• sometimes not changing clothes for a few days (lovely)

He put a lot of this down to “trauma”. Oh YEAH, right love!!!!

This is BEFORE the more obvious mistakes.

Yet his recent texts - which should be begging for me back - are about how I was “wrong” on the most recent occasion.

He must think I was born yesterday. What a wanker.

I wouldn’t put it past him to have 3 of us on the go at the same time. I did wonder why one woman acted like they were in a relationship IN FRONT OF MY EYES. Because I reckon she must think she is in one with him.

She is welcome to him and his bullshit!!!

TheBestNames (and others) - my read receipts says it’s off.

I can see my exh’s and one of my friend’s when they send them to me.
Does this mean that mine show as unread, but that these 2 people haven’t changed theirs?

Thanks!

If you have read receipt off any messages sent to you will just show as delivered on the others phone.

Bless you just read from the start. You must be exhausted...please try and sleep tonight you need it xxx

Another Aut here!! Keep strong 💪🏻 ps I have a sixth sense too

Thank you, both! Yes, I am exhausted, Overseas... Nearly bedtime. And for once, I shant have to put my mobile by my bed for any crumbs left out over text overnight.

WeMarchOn Sixth sense is certainly a perk! He must have been so shocked - I am usually hovering one or two seconds ahead of everyone else.

I just feel so sad that some of his behaviours can be seen under a different lens. But I must look forwards and not try to analyse any of them.

Why did he do this? I feel so sick. Might take a beta blocker.
He was playing me all along. Now i understand. Why? I feel so shit.

Why? Some men really get off on being a "player" I don't get it at all, but some are just like that. And we are supposed to be "grateful" for any attention they give us. NOT!

I can understand why you feel shit, but do try to not give him too much space in your mind or much of your time. You really do have better things to do. You have already shown you are a star! He is the loser, not you.

Some men are just arseholes. It’s not worth trying to analyse why.

Thank you, Dickensnovel... Yes, he gets off on women who are weak. There is so much he is hiding, even to his friends.

I feel more like “why me?”
He re-entered my life on hearing about my divorce... I guess thinking he would find a weak woman. My divorce actually made me do strong, he didn’t bank on this.

I am trying hard not to ruminate and not to piece together too much more evidence.

What a vile and arrogant arsehole he turned out to be. I am so disappointed.