Can’t sleep. Confronting him in the morning.

[LifeCasting]

I’m so upset. 99.9% sure he has cheated on me. The facts don’t add up. Even if they did, his approach to when I asked for reassurance was telling. Feeling like I’ve been gaslit. I feel sick. Please hold my hand.

Rumbletum2 True, some ken are just arseholes. I know why he is one -childhood neglect, trauma.

I guess the question is best asked as “why me?”

Signed off sick now. Can’t hold it together. How will I function tomorrow?

Have just taken some propranolol for physical symptoms but I am so tearful.

Even when it’s the right decision you have to go through the grieving process. You will be grieving for a relationship that never really existed (the man he pretended to be isn’t real).

If you won’t be too miserable sat around tomorrow then take the day off, but you might feel better for dragging yourself in and taking your mind off things.

You’ve done the right thing. Be kind to yourself! This way you grieve and move on. Staying with him would have been a lifetime of grief. You’re doing great. Keep going.

Just be honest, you don’t like him and can do better, tell him that and cheating arsedholes don’t do it for you

Thank you FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse (great name!)

Yes grieving, that makes sense.
Very true, a lifetime of grief. I dodged a flying bullet.

Grief symptoms are awful. Ofcom forgotten Have written to work to say I can’t go in but I will need something to keep me occupied...

Have blitzed house of his stuff. Wondering if I should give his gifts to Oxfam (where he will see them) or eBay. The latter has been my salvation recently, keeping me occupied.

Thank you for telling me I’m doing well. It hurts so much.

HElp! I am having intrusive thoughts about texting him:

“None of this is important. You are a lying and cheating arsehole”

I must sit on hands.

Just 2 more hours & I can get up for the school run...

What do you need op to get you through this?

I could tell bad jokes

I don’t know, Just. I am grieving and upset, that’s all... not sure if you read the thread but I did end it.

I’m not really in the mood, sorry, Just.

Just up for a few mins but DO NOT TEXT HIM!!!! you will be further back than you were a few days ago....I was once in a “ relationship “ with a full blown narcissist and it got very unpleasant when I dared to end it......the best advice I got was from a policeman friend who said “ do not reward him with communication “..... and I’m passing on the same advice to you.....if you text him I have a feeling you will massively regret it in the morning...can you make yourself a hot drink or see if there are any comedy re runs on TV to take your mind of him TIL morning.....you are doing amazingly well and I know how bloody hard it is.....good luck x

Kevin ok I will repeat this mantra:

DO NOT REWARD HIM WITH COMMUNICATION

Excellent. That is hugely helpful. I can lie here and say it until morning. Might help me drift off. Thank you x

Good girl....you’ve got this!!! You can do this!!! Honestly he doesn’t deserve you,....now repeat after me.....” do not reward him with communication” .... he’s cheated and lied , he is no prize lovely lady, none whatsoever......try just closing your eyes and resting....tomorrow’s another day xx

@LifeCasting I’ve been there

Thank you so much. Of course what I really want to do is to write:

TAKE YOUR BULLSHIT AND YOUR SHAVEN FUCKING BOLLOCKS EMSEWHERE, YOU CHEAT AND LIAR

Especially as he tried to blame my ASD for my perceptions.

Like that. I want to text it in capitals like thdtz would even that be too rewarding?

Arsehole Ex, it is not about any of the above. It is not even about my systemising. That is irrelevant.

It is about the fact you have repeatedly cheated on me throughout our relationship.

Yes, please, do not bother me again. Please take your bullshit and your newly shaven balls and get out of my life.

THIS is what I want to send...

I will sit on my hands.

Oh no. I’ve been counting the minutes... please let this this get better. So many nightmares.

I actually think he was more twisted than I realised & that he had prob already told one set of friends we have split (before we did)..

All sorts of weirdness going through my mind. He was deceitful and manipulative.

Can you make plans for the future OP? Day trips with your DC at Easter perhaps? Concentrate on them. They'll get more of your attention now.
If I were you, I'd go back to work. You don't want to risk your job at this point.
Apart from that, plan a brisk walk for exercise, meet your friends and ask about them - don't talk about him. Read books, take a book to a coffee shop during the day.
He's just one man. An ex. No longer your problem. Some other poor woman will be falling for his shit. But you're free.

Just picture what he has been doing and thinking,
Ok she doesn't mean it I'll text her and she will text me back.
Ok I will send her a few more texts to get her attention and remind her she needs me. I will offer to talk it through with her she will want that.
Ok she is having a strop. I will text her one more time then leave her to stew. She will text me I know. She needs me.

The longer you leave it the silence will say two things, this is really it and you don't need him. If his contact escalates be strong silence is strength.

Nothing good will come out of engaging with him further. Your words won't hurt him or do anything to him, the only person that will get hurt is you.

He’s just awful. The problem with texting him is that that is exactly what he wants. It doesn’t matter to him what you are actually saying, because he won’t be listening, he will just feel fantastic that he can still get under your skin.

It’s SO hard not reply, but just picture how frustrated the lack of a response will be making him. Remember all the times he made you feel like that.

It does get easier, a lot easier, this is the tough bit. Well done for not texting him! You are a winner!

Today clear him out of your life. eBay his gifts if that will fill your day - and package them all up so you don’t have to look at them again.

Listen to music or podcasts or have Netflix on in the background. I find distractions are good. I’m not necessarily listening or watching, but it slows down my thinking.

And make a plan for something nice to do in the future! What do you love doing? What are your interests? I bet MN can find you something perfect. Onwards and upwards!

How about writing down on a piece of paper what you would otherwise want to send him by text. Get it all off your chest.

Another tack for coping at this time when you are feeling all consumed by hurt, anger and the "why me?", try and set aside a set amount of time when you give yourself permission to think about him and then once that's up, try and concentrate on something else. Reduce the time over the coming days.

Have you ever tried any meditation apps? There are a few out there, some of which have a lot of excellent free content. Simple Habit is a great one. I was amazed at how just a few minutes a day of meditating helped for the rest of the day but also try it if you can't sleep.

The books that were recommended by PP are worth reading to help you understand what you've been dealing with and why you. From what you've also said in subsequent posts, he sounds like a narcissist (surprise, surprise!) There is loads out there on the different types of narcs. Read up on their behaviour so you are better placed to recognise and avoid it in the future: it will also answer the "why me?" question.

Last but not least, you need to put yourself and your sanity first which is why so many PP advised that you block him. The small pleasure you are getting from receiving his texts and not replying is nothing compared to the potential damage it will do if you give in and reply. He already knows you want to hear from him because he can tell you haven't blocked him. So already he knows he still has some control over you which is the life blood for a narc. Remove that by blocking him completely. If for some reason you bump into him when you're out and about go Grey Rock on him (google it ). Don't give him the satisfaction of being able to ellicit any kind of emotional response from you. Baby steps to start with, you'll get there!

Hope you managed to get through the witching hour. Just remember at that time of nigh EVERYTHING feels worse. You should be feeling better this morning...

Just treat him like a toddler, to him ANY attention is good attention. You could rant and rave at him, and he’s atillzaee that as a victory.

Your silence will be excruciating to him, he needs you to validate him, even if it’s you calling him all the names under the sun.

Good luck today op, why don’t you do something just ‘for you’ on your impromptu day off

How are you doing op? What he thinks no longer matters. What he says no longer matters. So you do or say or not say whatever you need to do to make you feel better. And then delete and block.

THANK YOU as always, lovely people, for helping me out.

I didn't sleep much at all - 11-2 and then maybe 5-5.40? Cancelled work and am in bed now, having held it together for the school run.

I do think he has a teeny tiny bit of compassion, and it's that part that I want to see squirm before I block. I did text him in the end, this morning, because his messages focussed on where he was on Friday. Also I hadn't actually told him straight I knew that he was cheating. Since his very recent texts said how he loved me and not lied, it needed a little stamp of acknowledgment that this has been a lie. When he had seen I wasn't replying, he wrote that he won't bother me any more. So I wrote:

The above, including any systemising, is irrelevant.
You repeatedly lied to me, and cheated throughout our relationship.
Yes, please, do not bother me again. . Please take your bullshit and your newly shaven balls and get out of my life.

By not blocking him for now, I am able to ignore ignore ignore and THEN block. This will make him uneasy. One last shot to let him know that I have worked his cheating arse out, before I let it go.

I am having coffee with one of his friends today, so this friend can hear the full story before Wanker tells him I am mad, making stuff up, etc. The OW is also a friend of this guy, but the guy is rational and is already shocked - they have hidden their fling from him. Sneaky Wanker has already reconnected with some of his old mates to introduce "the new gf" who I think will have put pressure on him to move things forwards.

It all makes sense now. He even put an offer in on a flat - this is for her. He has been working his arse off trying to get his flaky shit together for a mortgage application.

I have texted his daughter who is older, to let her know that I had to end things because he's a two timing shit. I also told her the friend with which he is cheating. I feel sorry for her, but she already knows her dad's a fucker.

Soon, soon, it will no longer matter. I need to put these things in place because he is a sly fucker. I want people to know that he is a lying arse and a cheat, otherwise he really will try to present himself as Mr Wonderful Hero Charmer.

I will re-read your suggestions for distraction now. I am scared. I guess scared of being alone, which was why I let him in in the first place. But this is no reason to let evil fucks into my life. And I don't have to be too lonely. Just the night times.

I am child-free next week. Briefly considered going away. But where? With whom? My ASD makes things so hard.

Argh. I must stop ruminating.

OK. I have now had enough confrontation and enough discussion with him, to understand it is true.

However, he has duped many of his friends so that I will, indeed, sound like the suspicious gf while he cavorts with her away from said friends. He wanted to have his cake and eat it.

I have BLOCKED now.
And grieved some more.
Too much uncertainty.

NOW I can move on.

He was writing while I blocked him. It gives me pleasure to know I have slammed that door. Firmly closed.