Can’t sleep. Confronting him in the morning.

[LifeCasting]

I’m so upset. 99.9% sure he has cheated on me. The facts don’t add up. Even if they did, his approach to when I asked for reassurance was telling. Feeling like I’ve been gaslit. I feel sick. Please hold my hand.

Another hand to hold here too. Yes it hurts but in the long term it's for the best.

I would just say that you're finished and not respond to anything. There is no point engaging in a conversation with him if you know he's just going to gaslight. Good luck op

It’s as though he looks forward to my giving evidence, so he can be self-defensive to the extreme

Then deny him!! Your narrative will "ultimately, we're just not suited", accompanied by a beatific smile.

Hope it all goes ok at the GPs - look after yourself.

Once I say we are no longer compatible, I think he will say - it’s because you think I’m cheating.

How do I reply to that?

Oh OP, you sound so unsure of yourself. Do you often fall into patterns where you’re being treated poorly but don’t trust yourself to know the way out or believe you can enforce your own boundaries? I’m a bit concerned that you seem really confused about how to handle this break up when it’s really straightforward, at this stage whatever he says really doesn’t matter, you’re ending it so why spend so much time worrying about what to say to any number of potential responses he may give?

Are you afraid of him?

he is doing on purpose leaving clues that he cheated or might cheat.
and accuse you of being paranoid.
he is messing with your mind.
thats not a good person.
you will be relieved when you leave him. dont get scared. there are nicer people around that you deserve.
just block him, dont send text or anything, explanation. if you text or talk he will get his satisfaction again. unfortunately thats a bad person having satisfaction from gas-lighting you.

I don't reccomend ads. This is grief, cry it out talk about it, it will pass.
Don't go to his place, neutral territory or txt is best, you owe him nothing. If you are sure don't get drawn in, just move on and learn from this. He is not worth it, you deserve better. Don't look back.

Once I say we are no longer compatible, I think he will say - it’s because you think I’m cheating.

How do I reply to that?

If it would help you to have an answer ready, then I would suggest you say "that's just a red herring. It was the way you responded to my concerns that showed me how incompatible we are" in as dismissive a tone of voice as you can manage.

Then, if he persists, just shrug him off with "look, my mind's made up, I can't see any point in discussing this further".

Sorry you are going through this but a clean break is best - dont torture yourself with what he may have done. Trust is gone. Try and take one day at time and look forward not back. Let your friends help you; keep yourself busy. Exercise works wonders for heartbreak. Found paul mckennas book how to mend a broken heart (or similar title) very helpful

Fetchez’s response is perfect.

Don’t engage. Be calm. You don’t need his agreement to end it. You will always continue waiting for the next red flag which will make you paranoid

GOOD luck

You are all wonderful. I can't thank you enough. I have ordered the P McKenna book and am trying hard not to focus on all the times when he told me he was doing one thing, but probably with one or other woman. Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe he's right (as he told me yesterday) that I sometimes put 2 + 2 together and get 5. But this:

stacktherocks I am pretty unsure of myself. Yes, as you describe, I sometimes don't know what the boundary is, or how to enforce me own. I am still learning! ASD doesn't help. I'm glad this is a straightforward thing. Yes, to an extent, I am scared that it is as he says, and that I am making a mistake in my perceptions. But regardless, as someone said upthread, how he has dealt with this, is not how I want my relationship to be.

I am still not sure when to send the text but will re-read this thread before I do. I am seeing my therapist in a bit.
What if he texts me before then? He might work out what I am thinking and try to dump me first. Trying not to care...

If he dumps you first the reply ‘Ok. I understand. Wish you a happy future’ and then block him. Once you tell him you need to make it permanent by blocking and deleting his number.

You have had some amazing advice on the thread. I love MN some days, women helping women.

Whatever is going on if he is cheating or not, it does not matter because clearly your not happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

My friend found the book ‘It’s call a break up because it’s broken’ really useful.

I agree that unless you were having issues before AD aren’t necessary. Grieving a relationship is normal. Wait a bit and then if you think your not coping then take them.

Send the text asap - it's a good one, just copy and paste it.

If he replies asking about the cheating just say "No, the relationship has just run its course I think. All the best for the future" and then block. No more discussion! You know he's cheated, there's no need to rake over it. Don't give him the satisfaction of a big drama.

Why would you be worried if he dumps you by text in the next few hours? Definitely respond with I agree or I understand. Don’t engage.

He may do this to set you up for his fun to try and make you grovel or plead. Has this happened before?

This relationship is not making you happy. You don’t feel cherished. You don’t feel loved. You don’t feel you are the most important person to him. Therefore it’s not working for for you. You are not compatible. You have compromised it seems. He has not. Therefore you are not compatible. It’s not working for you.

Be strong. Love yourself. And you will be happy.

Once you're rid of him you can start on the self care that it seems you really need. Without all the anxiety and self doubt he causes you'll be able to work on getting yourself well and happy. Then in time you'll be ready to hopefully meet someone who'll treat you the way you deserve. So please try not to spend too much more time on this guy who is clearly not worth it and focus on yourself.

Well done getting this far OP. Look, you know what you need to know. You also know that he will lie and weasel and refuse to be honest with you (probably doesn't know HOW to be honest does he?!)

So - the way to take back the upper hand here is to just dump him, as others have said, and disengage. You won't be missing out on 'closure' - you'll be getting a differnet kind of closure- the satisfaction of looking back and knowing he tried to fuck you around and so you cut him dead. Instead of a big scene and crying which ends the same way as all your other confrontations have done - you frustrated, him smirking inside.

Text something like this:

'Hi X I'm sending this to let you know I'm done with our relationship. Things haven't been good for a while, we're clearly not compatible so I think it's best we both move on. Best wishes, Life'

Him 'Blah blah paranoid you think I'm cheating etc'

You - 'Hi X, I think you've just answered your own question! I'm not sure it's a good idea for anyone to be in a relationship with someone if they consider them paranoid and unreasonable, so looks like I've done you a favour Have a great life, but please don't contact me again, thanks'

You'll both know the score, and you'll have shown him very clearly that you take no shit and you've dumped his ass and (this is the killer) you're not interested in hearing his bullshit over it any more. Which is pretty much the opposite of paranoid. :)

He won't be able to show those texts to anyone and say 'ooh look, look at nutter woman and what she's done now'. No begging. No accusing. Nothing except 'Ok, go away now, I'm tired of you, you're crap.'

@FizzyGreenWater that response and subsequent responses are perfect.

I’d do it sooner rather than later. Take control

Stop with the 'What ifs' and start with the 'what do i care?!' you shouldn't waste your time caring about what he thinks.

Does he care in a loving way about what you think? No.

You also DO NOT need to go to your GP for antidepressants to cope with this. You need to grieve naturally and build up your resilience and self esteem. Read books, watch ytube vids, write a diary, connect with friends, talk on here. You do not need to automatically hook yourself up on antidepressants. You need to face this, and learn from it. Soak in the advice from pposters, knowledgeable advice.

The sooner you rip the bandaid off.... ❤️

If he texts you first dumping you?

You reply something along the lines of:

'Thank gawd for that '
'Good idea, wish I'd thought of it
'Can you hear the sound of me biting your hand off? '

The laughing emoji definitely goes in!

He'll then reply with something, wanting you to show you're upset, wanting you to say something 'hysterical' so that he can remind you how 'paranoid' you are and this is why he's dumping you.

You reply 'Oh sorry I shouldn't be flippant. No, I agree, this has been dead for a while. I should really have called time a while ago. Best of luck, but no need to contact me again'

:) burnnnnnnn

Your goal is for him to be an ex. Your goal is for your life to not include him. So what if he thinks you are mad, sad or bad? If he's blocked you never have to know or care.

Aspire to him being totally irrelevant.

An arrogant cheater like him will be fucking livid at the idea of you not being that into him and you being quite relaxed about dumping him. You are supposed to be a wreck. You are supposed to be desperate for his manliness. Nah. Not feeling it mate. Bye. Mwah ha ha. Practice your do I look bovvered? attitude.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are in control of the dialogue from your end. He can't make you discuss with him. You need to be sure you don't want him to try to justify his actions or explain to you in such a way that you'll take him back. I assume there is nothing he can say that will change your mind because:

• he either cheated on you and is lying or
• his actions are sufficiently odd that you will always think he is cheating so will never be able to fully trust him

If he can't change your mind there is no point discussing. Just text him and say that you are very sorry but you no longer wish to be in a relationship with him and that you hope he finds someone more compatible. Then block his number and don't speak to him again. If he corners you out in town demanding an explanation you don't have to give one or argue with him. You just say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you please leave me alone"! Rinse and repeat to all questions.

"Is it because you think I cheated?" "I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

"I can make it up to you" "I don't want to be in a relationship with you".

"I am going to kill my goldfish through grief at losing you" "I don't want to be in a relationship with you".

Don't engage on social medai or by text or by phone. You can not reply to his messages, not answer any calls and just get on with your life. He'll go away eventually.

Just do it. Don't prolong it.

It's like ripping off a plaster.

Arrange to meet some friends this evening?

Great advice from @Cath2907 above.

I’ve just done it. He was chirpy & I kept it going. He was looking for info from me and suggested meeting later. I thought about the arrogant cheating bastard comment above (thank you) and replied:

I would have liked this. But I’m very sorry. I don’t want to carry on with our relationship any more.

I did it. Fucking hell. He will be shocked a woman stood up to him. Fuck me.

Reply - that’s very clear.
Then
Thanks for being so clear & direct.

What do I reply?

"You're welcome. Bye."