Can’t sleep. Confronting him in the morning.

[LifeCasting]

I’m so upset. 99.9% sure he has cheated on me. The facts don’t add up. Even if they did, his approach to when I asked for reassurance was telling. Feeling like I’ve been gaslit. I feel sick. Please hold my hand.

‘I have been thinking about this for a while and I have come to realise that we aren’t compatible. So now is a good time to end it so we can both find someone else more suited’

Aussiebean's wording is great. Cool and detached. Send it and then block him.

He is quite happy to break your trust, lie to you, to tell you that you are paranoid and to show no respect for you. Trust and respect are the bedrock of a healthy and happy relationship. Even if you had CCTV footage to show him of whatever he's got up to with the OW, what then? It doesn't materially change what he is and how he treats you. He gaslights, he deceives, he lies and he cheats and will do this in all future relationships.

Be kind to yourself and step away from a future in which he will mess with your head so badly you won't even know which way is up anymore.

I'd be inclined to keep it very brief and say he doesn't make you happy anymore and you obviously need that in a relationship. Let him read into it what he will.

Then block him and move on. Yes it will be painful, but that feeling visnt permanent.

You can't be happy when you have so many doubts, you already know this.

Time will heal.

I can’t tell you how helpful this is.
THANK YOU.

Got to pull myself through a few things this morning. It’s so painful but I havd to look after myself. I deserve more than lies and flakiness.

The text message suggested was good. Text it and immediately block all forms of contact.

Once trust is gone that’s it. I’ve watched my best friend go through a relationship that should have ended after 6 months, but limped on for 7 years because she always hoped next time would be different. Now 2 years later, she is about to marry a wonderful man and she is so happy.

Once I say we are no longer compatible, I think he will say - it’s because you think I’m cheating.

How do I reply to that?

Oh I feel so fucking stupid. We have so many friends in common as well...

Thank you Pollyhops the sad thing is that I thought he was that wonderful new man... how could have been so wrong?

You don't reply at all

It's over he needs to accept your decision on this matter ignore any attempt to get you into a conversation so he can make it your fault text him once and block him

Hi there.
I'm married to a gas lighter. Separated though.
I too was called crazy, paranoid, nuts 'bringing it up again', unable to move on.
He would say, he can't remember and that he gets confused with facts because he feels flustered. It's all my fault for accusing him.
Literally on every fact I accused him of, I was right.
Let me tell you though, that a gas lighter still won't back down even though you hold proof right in front of them. Sure they may say, oh ok, I did it (eventually) but they will never ever genuinely take responsibility. My dh even after admitting truth to my face, 2 mths later will change the story.
It's draining, exhausting, toxic.
My dh has isolated me from friends and his family from all his lies. It's a hideous situation to be in. But if you met him, you'd think he was such a lovely guy.

Get rid of him and forget proving you're right. He will have you doubt yourself question your stability.

It is abuse.

Ps, look up gas lighting on google.

If you send the message and then block, you won’t have to reply to him.

Ozzie I am very grateful for this. He is exactly as you describe, down to alienating my friends. It has been so up and down where I did, indeed, think I was going crazy. I even saw his antics for myself!!! Again, the answer he gave was that it wasn’t him. As you say, even when confronted with the evidence...
It’s as though he looks forward to my giving evidence, so he can be self-defensive to the extreme.

I feel wretched how will I get through?

Totally agree with other posters about text and block.
You will move on and realise how much life is better without him and kick yourself you should of done it before.
You’ve wasted enough time on him, time to look to a better future. Good luck

He’s not a good guy
Good men don’t cheat andgood men don’t accuse you of paranoia etc if you are upset.

Every second you waste thinking about him and longing for him you are wasting on creating a strong and happy life for yourself

Brief text- I’ve decided I want to end the relationship as it is not making me happy. No more discussion needed, please drop my stuff off at Xs house’

Do not go round there
Don’t agree to meet for one last chat- nothing he can say will make you feel better- he will lie and he will drain your energy and probably make it all your fault

Work on affirning how strong and lovely you are, how you deserve only the best in a partner and how worthy you are of being loved and cherished

Then go and have fun!!

When you feel wretched just remind yourself that what you are missing is a man who lies, cheats, has no respect for you, will only make you more and more unhappy as time passes and how you deserve so much more than a life like that. You cannot long for someone who makes you feel sad and like shit. Every second more you waste on him is wasting your own happiness.

Throw yourself into work and a new hobby. Start living.

I feel wretched sad how will I get through?

You take one day at a time. Spend time with those closest to you, family and friends. Make amends (if applicable) with people your bf alienated. And look forward to a happy future. It does / will hurt for a while but you will get over that feeling.

Like you, I felt obsessed with getting him to admit the actual truth, and also to genuinely acknowledge how it had felt for me.
Sure, on the rare occasion he would admit to something it would purely for his own gain. I.e., I convinced him that if he came clean I would definitely draw a line and move forward. However, he only ever admitted part of or a distortion of any truth and would always back track.
I regularly had him laughing in my face whilst I sat there with tears. He would say 'you've done this yourself'
He told his family I was physically abusive and emotionally abusive to him. He actually went as far as texting this to me so he could show his mother the depth of his accusation.
It's so baffling how someone can say a lie to your face, as though it's really true, knowing it's absolutely not. It's scary.
On the surface, he comes across as really sweet, caring, supportive, but it's all for his gain. On the surface, he'd appear incredibly passive. But looking back he's incredibly passive aggressive.
His hands are always tense, his shoulders always raised.
The lies upon lies. So many things he didn't even have to lie about, silly things, 'I was just about to say that' ' it cost .........' 'I haven't eaten anything today' ' I said this to this person at the co op'
I spent the whole time trying to understand him, make allowances for him and support him.
Gas lighting is fine to unbalance you in every way imaginable. Sex was very (sex). He's had so many affairs throughout his whole life, and watched so much porn. He can't understand tenderness. Even when I've sat and explained it to him, he agrees, but just can't deliver.
Get out, and get away. You can't help him. I've just finished 19 weeks of therapy for PTSD caused by him.
He said to me the other day, the therapy couldn't have worked because I don't want to be with him anymore!!
Now I'm giving him nothing. Only contact is ref kids. He can say what he likes. I don't respond. I know the truth. Gas lighting is a mh condition. There is no way he will respond to you genuinely in a way that helps you. Save yourself, your sanity, your self worth.
He did this to you because he felt not good enough. His behaviour is not good enough. This was never about you not being good enough. He's done it before and he will do it again. Xx

If you need to pm me, feel welcome x

once I say it’s because I think we aren’t compatible, I think he will say it’s because I think he’s cheating how do I respond to that

I would respond with “regardless to whether you are cheating or not, there is clearly no trust so I don’t see any way to move forwards. Goodbye”.

You don't reply to anything after ending it. Blocking his number is usually the easiest.

Clean break. Then you can move on without him messing with your head.

Ozziewozzie, you are describing Ex. I can so relate to your situation, it is literally crazy making. Are you divorced yet? This is where I saw the extent of Ex's "sickness", he lied so much that it was unbelievable, even with facts where he knew I could easily prove it was lies. I think he worked on the strategy to throw enough mud and some would sick.

Also he ensured he alienated everyone (scorched earth policy) in my family & friends (who initially liked him as he was charming) which is a clever strategy as he knows that any new gf will never get the chance to hear what he is like.

Op, most of us assume we could spot a personality disordered person but the reality is they are able to mask their dark side really well. They are often charismatic and know how to scan people for vulnerabilities which is why they are so difficult to break away from. It is much more common in society than most of us realise.
Normal relationship "struggles" don't apply if you are involved with a cluster B personality disordered individual, it is always much more toxic and damaging.

@lifebegins50
Sadly, no I'm not divorced. The s

Your clue to how you'll get through is in your own post. You'll reconnect with your friends. Apologise for becoming distant and tell them the horror story of how you didn't realise he was such a twat. Bond over wine/coffee/cake as you chat about shit ex's and laugh about him. Friendship is often the best therapy, the best way to get your head on straight. That's why shit men go to so much trouble to keep their women away from friendship. They don't like how you get "ideas".

@lifebegins50
Not divorced yet. Separation has been fairly recent. But it's given me space to think without the chaos of it all. I don't feel hurt, or angry. In fact I feel really calm and empowered for the first time in an incredibly long time.
The emotional side I've exhausted, so it's all about the facts now.

It helps me so much to read your stories, I’m very sorry you have been through similar. It would s VERY similar.

Just starting reaching out to my friends. Having a good cry. At the GPS. Might get ADs.

Handhold from me. It's therapy which will most beneficial in my opinion. It was a lifeline to me.
God help the next chap