Do you think this is normal for a family in a rural region in the 90s?

[Moralitym1n1]

(it has actually continued into the '00s as well)

• females (not sure about males) don't have sex before marriage

• females (as above not sure about males) have a curfew while single and while dating. (Weekend curfew later than weekday one).

• all live at home until married

• if females (no idea about males) go on trip with boyfriend before married, separate rooms and chaperon eg brother goes on trip as well (shares room with bf)

• all females except one becomes house wife after marriage (the one exception actually works in same place as husband)

• large families (4 min.) after marriage

• regular church attendance

• (before marriage) females encouraged to participate in beauty pageants and similar 'lovely girl' competitions

• no artificial contraception (except barrier methods at risky times alongside NFP)

• no separate socialising from partner (both males and females)

• almost exclusively family socialising (both)

• discouragement from drinking alcohol (both but females more than males)

• both males and females strongly encouraged to study and work close to home (as above only one female cont'd to work after marriage.

I don't think this was average/normal in the 90s but am being told it was.

*is

There must be done dating/social/networking things for moderate Muslins in the UK (?)

*some

Alternatively you could meet a non Muslim man who understands and us willing to abuse by those values/rules, but perhaps your family would object (?)

Though they're mixed Muslim/Catholic so ..

I guessed it was a religious thing. Gods and their posse have an unhealthy interest in other people’s sex lives, women’s freedoms and their options in life.

*abide by, not abuse

@shady

I've just realised I made a mistake and you're not 38, you're only 35!

That just makes everything I've said even more the case.

Thanks, I’m not Muslim, I’m Catholic and would want to marry a Christian.

The reason I feel it’s all over for me has little to do with the faith of my family members. It’s because I’ve never felt loveable. I was abused physically and emotionally in childhood, neglected and repeatedly abandoned or threatened with abandonment, being put in care etc. I learned to depend on me only and just thought no one could love me ever cos no one ever really had. I’ve only ever had one relationship and he told me he’d never marry or have children and he emotionally abused me. He’s marrying someone else this year, five years after things ended between us.

I’ve had counselling. It was great, my counsellor was wonderful and i’ll probably go back to her soon but ultimately no one can make you love yourself. Self hatred is a powerful thing and very hard to shake.

I’ve no doubt that some people feel trapped or abused because of their family/religion but I honestly feel it was a choice for me. I could have walked away, was offered overseas jobs, I’ve questioned my faith many, many times. I wanted to stay. I saw nothing wrong with waiting for marriage for sex and would have been fine not using contraception. I’m not a victim, it was my choice to stay in the dynamic.

Rural Ireland, my DM whilst being told about keeping her coat on so she was not molested. Was subsequently molested by a priest. She told her parents who did not believe her preferring to believe the priest. She was sent to England to an aunt and uncle at the age of 16 for her sins. This aunt and uncle had adopted a little boy and enjoyed threesomes with him when he was a child.

My Irish family today do not attend church, they are no longer brainwashed thank goodness.

Where I live there are a mix of families some one, two, three or four children. Women have careers and have travelled lived all over the world etc. A lot of them still choose to have big families of four. I think it's more a case that it is considered normal in Ireland but not in the Uk. Having no kids would be fine here, there is a big mixture.

@ShadyLady53

Sorry, I got completely the wrong end of the stick and thought you were a Practising Muslim. In some ways I find your family's 'rules' even more extreme knowing you are Catholic. There's obviously s range but, as this thread has shown, most Catholic families have become more moderate and liberal.

With the catholics I've known through uni, work etc. It has generally been the case that they (the parents) mostly subscribed to the sort of rules in my op, hut the children don't - however there is done level of lying by omission/hiding it/not putting it in their parents' faces etc. And theboarebts knowing this and not really approving but not taking a strong stance, just resigning themselves, telling fibs to older relatived or self appointed community 'moral guardians' and gossips. That had been my observation of this generation and their parents (I'm 42). If their kids came out as gay - sane thing, not happy, not advertising it, maybe a bit of lying by omission, but not cutting them off or anything extreme.

• some level of lying
• The parents know

The reason I feel it’s all over for me has little to do with the faith of my family members. It’s because I’ve never felt loveable. I was abused physically and emotionally in childhood, neglected and repeatedly abandoned or threatened with abandonment, being put in care etc. I learned to depend on me only and just thought no one could love me ever cos no one ever really had

Is the family you're referring to now your 'birth' family or the family you've been adopted into?

I'm really sorry to read that about your upbringing. I'm glad you've had some counseling but maybe more could help (?) I don't know what else to suggest.

I’ve only ever had one relationship and he told me he’d never marry or have children and he emotionally abused me. He’s marrying someone else this year, five years after things ended between us.

You've obviously taken that to heart and deeply personally - which I understand - but the reality is that that has happened to many women (and done men for that matter). I've seen it numerous times on here.

Sometimes it's the timing, sometimes it's the combination of personalities; if the latter, you have no real control of whether someone falls for you or sees you as a long-term relationship/marriage partner or not just as noone has that control of whether you do. What people fall for and what they find compatible and see as long-term/marriage is a weird mixture of things, an alchemy.

It wasn't your fault and there's nothing wrong with you. I've had people tell me they "just didn't fall for you", I've had people I was with reject me for long-term (leading to marriage) and ive met others who haven't.vits a crap shoot, and one that generally required meeting and dating quite a few people, which it doesn't sound like you have.

*requires

Sorry I've just seen he emotionally abused you - well it's a very good thing the relationship ended, and I seriously doubt he's changed that much. She just puts up with it (or maybe he's grown up a bit) who knows, but I don't find many people change .. so hex night good partner/marriage material anyway.

It sounds like Christian/Catholic dating is for you, if you wish of course.

• he's not

@justasking111

Words escape me

@ShadyLady53

Perhaps if Christian dating is too 'full on' for you, would Christian groups/volunteering etc be a good way to meet a potential partner? Maybe you're already doing that.

I’m not adopted. It’s my birth family.

It’s all very hard to put into words.

By your definitions, my family would be liberal too. We’ve got gay family members, people who “lived in sin” or got pregnant outside of marriage, had abortions, affairs, taken drugs, been addicted to alcohol or sex etc (including my parents themselves) and we love them all, they are part of or lives, no one has been cut off etc.

Have you seen Leaving Neverland? James Safechuck talks a lot about the self hatred he feels, not understanding it, not being able to switch off from it. That’s how I feel. I’m pretty sure he’s had a lot of therapy too but he hasn’t managed to shake it off or feel compassion for his little self or his adult self. That’s how I feel. Utter self hatred. Shame. Guilt. Loneliness.

I’m DEFINITELY not ready to date and don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t know how to be loved, it terrifies me. I can give it but can’t receive it no matter how much I want a relationship. My counsellor says it’s an attachment disorder and codependency. She’s Christian and says she wouldn’t blame me for hating God. I don’t though. I’m really glad I have my faith.

Sorry for rambling. And I know it’s frustrating!

I’ve met some CRAZY Christian guys...really toxic and much worse than my family. I’m honestly better off single than with them. I do a lot of volunteering and have done since I was a kid. It doesn’t have to be a Christian guy, it would just help if they could understand me a bit and clearly most non-religious people do not understand it at all.

Reading this back I can imagine people think I’m like a Duggar sister or something and I’m SO not.

@shadylady53

With a family like that, you would probably benefit from the 'statekh home's threads.

I understand what you mean about Christian men ( or any men strongly affiliated to a religion) - sometimes it's just an excuse and validation for abuse, control etc.

It's not impossible that you could meet a non Christian man who would understand your background and beliefs and accommodate them.

*stately homes

I was going to say rural Ireland as soon as I read the post. From friends’ experiences I do think not uncommon.

I haven't seen leaving Neverland - if I have the chance I will watch it.

So they can forgive all that but you feel you can't have sex outside marriage, live with if travel with s partner outside marriage etc and be tolerated if forgiven? Hypocritical if them, is it not.

(if you want to of course, perhaps you wouldn't due to your own beliefs anyway).