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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby won't let go of the past

152 replies

ElleGeeOh · 09/03/2019 22:51

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

OP posts:
PixiKitKat · 09/03/2019 22:57

I didn't want to read and run however I've had a few glasses and feel my view may not be appropriate or correct. I hope you work things out for what is best for you

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2019 23:07

Blimey OP, I’d be walking away.

He’s not going to stop punishing you and his behaviour has killed your marriage.

ladyratterley · 09/03/2019 23:12

He’s punished you for seven years for dancing with a colleague.
You don’t have a sexual relationship. And he doesn’t do anything to make you feel loved and cherished, even on special occasions like your birthday.

I’m sorry ElleGeeOh, he sounds absolutely awful. I think I would have been out of there after a few months of my partner behaving like that.

poppingoff · 09/03/2019 23:13

Yeah, it's dead. Let him get on with holding his grudge, but you don't have to live with it.

Walkmehome · 09/03/2019 23:16

He can be hurt but to punish you for seven years is over the top.

He is acting like he doesn’t want to be with you so why is he there? You can’t live like that indefinitely so I would say it’s time for you to call it a day.

Chocolate35 · 09/03/2019 23:19

I’m really sorry to say you sound brainwashed, much like I was once. “You gave the impression of being single”? Or you had a dance with a colleague while remaining totally committed to your partner? And you don’t deserve gifts or to be appreciated because of a dance 8 years ago. Jealousy is an horrible thing and it eventually takes over everything. My ex was like that, eventually the arguments turned to beatings every time he found something else I did wrong (I smiled at a checkout operator once which he deemed disrespectful is one example). Please get out. Do you have family support close by? You’ll never be able to help him get him past it, you dented his ego for a minute and it’s now become something to use against you and therefore control you. Please seek help.

Graphista · 09/03/2019 23:20

Actually to me it sounds far more like you had an emotional affair which you're still not owning properly. It sounds like you didn't do all you could and should have to reassure your husband and prioritise that relationship. You're still not. The colleague you were having an affair with shouldn't even be on your radar. Let alone coming up in conversation - bet if the roles were reversed you wouldn't be impressed if he was still talking about his affair partner 7 years later either.

That said 2 wrongs don't make a right and if he can't get past it (which he's entitled to feel) then really it's better you split. Punishing you at length like this isn't healthy for either of you or your child.

Make or break time.

Have you had couples therapy? That's a possibility of maybe changing things BUT it will only work if you fully and honestly acknowledge what you did wrong.

starfishmummy · 09/03/2019 23:26

If it had been your husband spending the night send in flirtatioulsly with a young female colleague.....

Toomuchworking · 09/03/2019 23:31

Trying to work out how I would feel if my husband danced with a female colleague he was friends with. Honestly can't get worked up about it. Unless you were romantically slow dancing or grinding (is that still a thing?) he needed to get a grip 8 years ago. A bit of annoyance and a snipe or two I can understand, but he's being ridiculous.

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 23:33

What actually happened? Just a dance? Were you always talking about this colleague? I don't get it.

Toomuchworking · 09/03/2019 23:34

It doesn't really sound like an emotional affair unless she's leaving out some very important details. She had a colleague she got on well with and danced with for a bit at a leaving do. Where's the emotional affair stuff?

grinningcheshirecat · 09/03/2019 23:34

He's still punishing you after 7 years, he'll never let it go. This relationship sounds beyond saving. Why don't you just leave? You sound so unhappy

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 23:37

You say it must have looked flirtatious and office banter, what do you mean?

HollowTalk · 09/03/2019 23:41

I'd divorce him and see whether that guy is still single.

Knitclubchatter · 09/03/2019 23:42

Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. Hold your head high and be prepared to leave.
From what you’ve said you’ve done nothing “wrong”.

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 23:48

Weird replies. Op says 'I can see why he was pissed off' why if nothing happened?

Tunnockswafer · 09/03/2019 23:51

Even if you had had an affair, if someone chooses to stay in the marriage they can’t keep bringing it up seven years later, while refusing to be intimidate with you. Well they can but the relationship is obviously over!
But I don’t think you had an emotional affair or even did much wrong - I think your dh has done a real number on you.

Knitclubchatter · 09/03/2019 23:52

Because he’s gaslighting her into thinking she must have been behaving badly and deserving of 7 years of wrath.
Chances are it’s him that is the problem.

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 23:55

I agree 7 years, something should have been sorted either way but we don't automatically know he is gaslighting. What counts as banter to you op?

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 00:01

I dont think he is gaslightimg. OP also says she didn't want to give the friendship up.

This has obviously caused a lot of issues.

The OP describes herself as naive and foolish. But she acted like this, saw her husband hurt and continued the friendship.

If op was posting her husband had done theses things with work colleague then refused to give up the friendship, people would be telling her he was having an EA, at least and needed to take responsibility.

OP if you have owned what you did, rather than making excuses, try counselling. If he wont, it's over. You cant carry on like this.

Though there is a thread going at the moment, where a woman did sleep with the colleague. She lied for years, until (apparently) she discovered he was in counselling.

Tunnockswafer · 10/03/2019 00:13

Nah I wouldn’t be bothered about my dh dancing with a colleague at his leaving do. I would probably tease him about it. And I would be dancing with him.

notapizzaeater · 10/03/2019 00:16

After 7 years I'd be giving up ! He's not going to let it go

Wakk · 10/03/2019 00:22

Move on.

SnotttyNosedSheila · 10/03/2019 00:34

Your DH is an abusive wanker. I'd have walked long since.

Me and DH were at a wedding a few years back. He danced with the bride and I danced with the groom. It was fab! None of us were shagging each other - apart from the people we were married to. I couldn't put up with being accused of shite like this. Life is too short to live with a total knobhead. Dump the fucker. Your life will be so much better without him!

Graphista · 10/03/2019 00:39

"I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague"

"There was office banter" banter seems to be used by many to excuse inappropriate behaviour now. Suggests to me there was inappropriate conversations happening.

"I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious" suggests to me it was suggestive dancing

"It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship" not prioritising what should have been the important relationship that with her husband

"but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage" didn't do so voluntarily but had to be persuaded over MONTHS, again not prioritising what should be the primary relationship

"so this person pops up in conversation every so often" no need for this and as I said, roles reversed she wouldn't see this as acceptable

"My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months" op notably omits any indication of why the subject comes up.

"In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off" there really seems to be a lot of minimising by the op, refusing to acknowledge the problem

While I agree husband in wrong to do the passive aggressive, long term punishment thing, unless & until she fully acknowledges what started it all then the relationship has no chance of recovery.

"If op was posting her husband had done theses things with work colleague then refused to give up the friendship, people would be telling her he was having an EA, at least and needed to take responsibility." Exactly!

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