Hubby won't let go of the past

[ElleGeeOh]

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

Not offended. Just challenging and putting another point of view.

No where did I say I was offended. Why would I be offended by some random on mumsnet?

Odd that you say you give up and then tell say 'off you go'. If you are giving up it's you that needs to 'off you go'

This is only my second ever post on mums net and I have to say its going to be my last.

I don't mind criticism, I can take it, but some of the comments here are just OTT and some people have read things that weren't even there - I hope you never get called for jury service.

So no, I didn't originally say I was dancing in a group, but I didn't realise I needed to explain that my leaving do from work involved more people than just my husband and this guy!

I'm not going to reply to all of the comments, but why would I come on here lying? There's no reason to, how will that help?

I also didn't come here to be dissected in such a way, I came here to find out how I could help my husband.

But thank you. Even those who have been so negative have given me lots to think through, things to reflect on and I will definitely think about the counselling.

I wouldn't tell my husband who he can be friends with and if he tried to tell me that I should cut contact or submit to seven years of punishment, he'd be telling me who he is

I would expect my husband to back off from a friendship with someone he'd behaved flirtatiously with. And I expect he'd expect the same.

If I'd have done that years ago, he wouldn't have gone on to further develop the emotional affair into a physical affair. But I was pretty naive back then.

I would expect my husband to back off from a friendship with someone he'd behaved flirtatiously with. And I expect he'd expect the same.

Me too. But I would not expect him to back off from a minor friendship where he hadn't behaved flirtatiously which is what the OP described.

We are all clearly viewing the OP's situation through the prism of our own lives.

We are all clearly viewing the OP's situation through the prism of our own lives.

True, but the important thing here is that OP's dh sees it as flirtatious, and OP has agreed it could look that way. So why didn't she back off when he first showed concern?

This is a very long thread. Anyway, My 2 pennies...
You weren't doing anything wrong from what you've said, but your husband was hurt by it. It sounds like you've tried to apologise and make up for that hurt but he's not accepted it.
Whether people agree with what you did in the first place and whether it was right or wrong (I don't think it was wrong but I think I would feel a stab of jealousy if it was me, but I'm not saying that's reasonable) doesn't matter, you both chose to continue the marriage and therefore accept it. He's now over reacting and using it to control you and you're trying to bend and fit to apologise more and he's getting worse and worse because his behaviour so far is working. At best this makes him a massive pain in the arse and it is very draining to have to go over and over it again. It is a form of emotional abuse and you have to decide what you want to do next.
I would suggest:

1. Don't beat yourself up. You've apologised for hurting him and adapted to protect him from further hurt. That's all you can do and he needs to decide whether he can move on or not.
2. Calmly explain to him (maybe write to him? Less confrontational and he can process it) his hard this now is and that he needs to move on. You're not being unreasonable saying this but you do need to be ready to walk away.
3. Get ready to walk away. It does sound like you are scared of being on your own as this is a lot to put up with. That's ok, but perhaps get some counselling to start building your escape raft. You don't want to walk away to end up going back, as I suspect he's also not going to be happy being alone and will try and make you go back.
4. Also though, you must love him. Truly consider and weigh up if there is a relationship to salvage and if so, suggest ways of resolution when you talk to / write to your husband.
5. If you choose to leave, know that it will all be ok in the end. It will be very hard and that's why you need to be ready but you sound very unhappy now. Trust that change (whatever it looks like) will be for the better as staying in this same situation sounds like the worst option.

A lot of people are focusing on assessing whether what you did was wrong and whether your husband is right. That almost doesn't matter. The fact is you did cause hurt to someone you love, albeit it accidentally. You've tried to fix that and I don't think you can do anymore. He now needs to decide whether he can forgive you. But he can't use it to control you, which he's doing. You also have to be ready to say that you're done. Good luck!

I came here to find out how I could help my husband.

Look at the end of the day it doesn't matter what any of us think about the situation. It matters what your husband thinks. But you don't seem to care about that. If your husband thought it was flirtatious and if you do actually love him as you say, you'd be respectful of that and not deliberately go out of your way to upset him by refusing to cut contact or invest in your marriage.

I really think you'd both benefit from couples counselling.

Your husband was upset

You might have been thoughtless and flirtatious but you've apologised

Your husband can't let it go and you keep in vague contact with the man

1. I'd have stopped all contact to help DH

1. If , after all contact has stopped and full apologies are made , DH still kept whining like a 5 year old - I'd leave him

You've tried to fix that and I don't think you can do anymore
If her dh genuinely believes there was something going on (even just both of them showing an interest in each other), OP hasnt tried to sufficiently fix it though., as evidenced by all the ongoing contact. As anyone who has ever been cheated on will testify, the doubt doesn't go away just because the doubted person says there is nothing in it. Especially if the other person is still around and in contact. Those doubts will resurface again and again, so from that point of view, I'm not surprised 'hubby won't let go of the past'. It's completely normal. Read up about it.

His 2 known "transgressions", a photo of a female colleague bending over a desk and doing "something" with a stripper on a stag do sound a bit on the sleazy side tbh. By contrast, he sees you having a good time on a work's night out, dancing (which you like and he doesn't) in a group of people, amongst which is a colleague you are friendly with and who he thinks was looking at you in a certain way and from this he deduces an affair and an excuse to treat you in an abusive way for the next 7 years? He doesn't miss having sex or being intimate with you? I would give marriage guidance counselling a go as I think there's something else going on with him (slightly puritanical religious background perhaps?) You are right to call time on his behaviour. But mean it.

I would give my DH two options.

1. have counselling on his own and with me to help him to move on. It then has to be dropped and he actually has to move on. He needs to consider you more and your relationship has to get back to having intimacy
2. the marriage ends

At this stage after 7yrs of punishment over nothing, I would pick 2. Life is much too short to spend so long with someone picking the bones clean of your relationship

Your husband can't let it go and you keep in vague contact with the man

So how does she cut all contact without going nc with family members? I don’t see how op has kept in even vague contact with this man.

I am wondering op, there are 2 explanations and I don’t mean to sound blunt but I am presuming your dh is a healthy red blooded male who hasn’t had sex with you for 7 years. The question is who has he been having sex with and could him keep accusing you of an affair be his way of making you walk out so he can move this woman in

Or the second explanation is your dh is ill and has become impotent and his way of stopping you finding out is to accuse you of an affair and that is why he won’t have sex with you.

Either way I think all trust has gone.

People make mistakes, you admitted yours and have spent 7 years apologising. Your husband should not have stayed with you if he couldn't get past it, he sounds awful.

I have no advice other than you need to leave him, you deserve a lot better than this.

I came here to ask what I can do to help my husband get over this

I think you're wasting your time. He doesn't WANT to get over it; he's using it as a stick to beat you with. He has been or 7 years (!) and he will continue to do so.

Life is too short for that.

This marriage is well and truly over.

Your DH admitted to doing something sexual with a stripper. Which you have accepted and never bring up.

You danced at a work "do" (which everyone does), and he makes this in to something it isn't, and beats you with it every few months, for no real reason.

He won't have sex with you. So, who is he having sex with then? He is shagging someone, and by constantly reminding you of your faux crimes, he can justify his adultery in his own mind "because you did it too". Only, you didn't.

It really doesn't matter what strangers on an internet forum say or think. It's mere speculation, with lots of posters putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5.

What does matter is, that you too are miserable, not intimate and this has gone on for far too long. If it's been like this for the past 7 years, it'll sure as eggs be like this for the next 7, and beyond.

It's no way to live.

I would 100% start the ball rolling to separate. When the divorce papers come through, you can decide which "reason" holds more weight for the cause for divorce :

A) Wife danced where males were present, at a works do.

B) Husband shagged a stripper.

Hmm.

I am saying from her first post to her second, there seems to be a lot of minimising.

I agree.

The problem with the interaction the OP described in her first post, is that it can create mistrust and doubt.

I'd be thinking if my DH can be flirtatious (in his own words) in front of me, he could probably do a lot more when I'm not there. Especially if he worked in a female dominated environment. As well as it being a much younger woman. Thats bound to create feelings of insecurity.

The resistance to break off the friendship may have been significant in all this.

All that said, he really should have left before any children came along.

It does seem like he's an insecure man and going that long without sex, for a youngish couple is odd.

Something to think for yourself, how great was the sex before this. Because as a pp suggested...this may just be an excuse to avoid sex, because he's not a good performer.

...And taking a pic of a colleague bending over is sleazy.

Dancing with someone is not a crime op, you are being punished for enjoying yourself at a party eight years ago!!

Your dh has a real problem, this is not normal.

He is using something very small to hurt you and withhold love and affection, and for so long. I am not sure if it is jealousy or resentment, but it is totally out of proportion. I would consider asking him to leave, because I could in no way live with my life with someone like this.

To be honest i would have called it a day after the stripper revelation and the photos of colleague bending over. You are married to someone that has zero respect for women.

The fact he isn't sleeping with you anymore makes me think he is getting his kicks elsewhere, given his previous form, and he is taking it out on you by using this as stick to punish you with.

Leave him.

It's been 7 years! Perhaps time to see if moving on from this toxic relationship wouldn't be healthier for you and also for your child.

Check out your financial and legal position to see how you'd cope without him and make the break.

The mistake the OP made was apologising more than once.
It's fine to say "I'm sorry you were upset by it but there really has never been anything going on and I wouldn't want there to be", but beyond that I think the OP has accidentally fed her husbands unhealthy paranoia by continuing to apologise.

If every time you bring up something hurtful the other person apologises, it feeds the feeling that there must have been something serious for them to apologise FOR.

I think I'd be saying Get over it or you should leave
I wouldn't apologise again you've done that enough.
In fact maybe you should be the one to leave and find someone who cares for you. Sounds miserable

SandyY2K: You said your brother brings his name up initially, now your DH asks about him - implying that the OP changed her story between her first and second posts. But in fact the OP said in her first post: "My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months." So no change at all in this aspect of her story.

Gina2012: you keep in vague contact with the man. Gaolbird: OP hasnt tried to sufficiently fix it though., as evidenced by all the ongoing contact. But there is nothing in the OP's posts to suggest she has any ongoing contact with the ex-colleague, vague or otherwise! It's her brother who still has contact with the ex-colleague - not her.

@PrincessPip

So no change at all in this aspect of her story

The biggest change in the story was the dancing scenario. Considering that was the crux of the issue, I'd say getting that right was quite significant.

Or don't you see the difference in the two accounts of the incident?

I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious

TO

We were just part of a group of people on a dance floor....... it was just a group of people on the dance floor having fun like you do.

I still don't understand how it could have looked flirtatious, if the second account is correct.

The OP saying she was young, naive etc, indicates that she now knows she was wrong.

There is no doubt that it's u healthy to be bringing up the incident 7 years later. No arguing with that at all.

I also doubt he was husband of the year before this incident and has suddenly stopped buying gifts or witholding affection.

If my husband bought me out of date chocolate, he'd be told in no uncertain terms what to do with it.

I don't think the problems in this marriage are all as a result of what happened at the leaving do.

It might be a convenient excuse for him to avoid intimacy with the OP. It might be that the whole incident triggered something that happened to him in a previous relationship, but I don't think the minimising has helped either.

My posts on MN are well balanced and objective, whether the poster is male or female.

I've come across a number of spouses who years later, still feel stuck and not entirely happy in the relationship after a betrayal or what they perceive as a betrayal. So that's why I don't see his behaviour as totally abnormal.

I sometimes think they want to wallow in the situation and not take the plunge to end the relationship.

It does take a deeper understanding to comprehend why they stay, but on further exploration (it can take months), it's usually their self esteem, low self worth or fear.
More than punishing their spouse, I think they're punishing themselves.

@OP you did nothing wrong 7 years ago being friends with a male colleague. Your H is using this as a stick to beat you with every time he feels like it. This is morally wrong and emotional abuse. He’s also withholding affection and sex. This does not sound like a relationship at all. You are more like a couple of roommates. You need to find some confidence in yourself and realise you deserve better. You deserve to be loved!

I think the only thing the op has done wrong is dumping her friend and not telling her dh where to go 7 years ago.