Hubby won't let go of the past

[ElleGeeOh]

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

Yeah I think it's interesting how it goes on here when the roles are reversed.

I also think OP has pretty much been worn down and told what she should think and feel about the situation.

Oh sorry is it not a public post asking for views?

Is your question aimed at me @Sausage101?

Leave him

You acted flirtatious with a colleague.

You were resistant to end the friendship.

It took a few months to do so.

Now his name pops up every 3 to 6 months.

Every time his name is mentioned is a trigger for your DH and sets him back.

You really don't get it. I don't get the impression you were particularly apologetic or remorseful.

You need to take full responsibility and acknowledge you were wrong, because that in itself will impact his ability to get over it.

For a start, tell your brother what happened and not to mention the colleagues name to you again.

Consider couples counselling.

If that's not something you both want or you've reached the end of the road... and 2 years without intimacy is reason enough to reach that decision.

BTW... a dance with the bride and groom is not the kind of dancing that happened here.

I wouldn't put up with this.

His reaction was extreme and over the top and you shouldnt have pandered to it all these years.

Your relationship is over and he is treating you like utter crap.

OP saying ‘I can see in hindsight...’ sounds like her DP has brainwashed her into thinking what she did 7 years ago was completely unacceptable - because he’s made her feel shit for it ever since then.

OP why stay with a man who doesn’t show love and respect for you?

I agree with @Graphista and @SandyY2K

What actually happened with your colleague? It really does sound like you overstepped the line and never really admitted it. Stop talking about this colleague and start prioritising your relationship otherwise it really will be over

Whether graphista and sandy are correct or the other posters, I think you relationship with your husband has run its course and you would be a lot happier without him. him too probably.

Yeah maybe you stepped over the line a bit 7 years ago but for him to be still bearing a grudge when there was no affair is just not reasonable. Not just bearing a grudge but actively punishing you -no presents, no niceness, no sex. That is some hell of a grudge to hold 7 whole years later.

You need to take full responsibility and acknowledge you were wrong, because that in itself will impact his ability to get over it.

Seven years after she danced with a friend at a leaving do in front of her husband??? Like seriously.

I'd be gone. I'd want more from a relationship than that. and I'd expect more in a partner in dealing with adult situations than 7 years of punishment for failing to admit I was wrongy wrong for getting a bit friendly with a male colleague and dancing with him in full view of the world. Your dh sounds incapable of dealing like an adult.

And yes if it was my dh who was friendly with a woman at work and danced with her in front of me I'd say to him "oi, you'd want to watch it there because you like each other and I'm not putting up with any going down that road" at which point he'd say (like the OP) "god no, we are just friendly, christ I'll cool it so" and we'd go on with our lives. Not 7 years of drama and recriminations.

The fact you aren’t having sex suggests to me your marriage is over. No normal and healthy man gives up sex. I also doubt this is about the flirting.

punished you for seven years for dancing with a colleague.

Regardless of the ins and outs, your marriage is dead. He is being cruel. And contemptuous. And you have no sex.

It's time to move on.

we are just friendly, christ I'll cool it so".

Except OP didn't say that. It took months of her husband being upset before she cooled the relationship and even now 7 years later she still talks about this guy. Personally I think the relationship is dead for both of you

Except I'm friends with work colleagues and DH wouldn't tell me not to be. And if he did, I'd think he was controlling. Because I'd never sleep with any of them. OP didn't either.

You didn't give much detail but your DH was upset that you danced with the workmate at the leaving do?

Were you texting all hours of the day and night. spending time alone together at work talking about your personal lives? Hiding your phone so DH wouldn't see? Having long lunches just the 2 of you? Bringing him home cooked meals? Going over to his house to help put a bed together? etc. etc?

I don't know who is right or wrong here but being punished for 7 years for an affair that never occured is batshit crazy and I'd be gone. It would be a mercy to both of you. And to your poor child who will otherwise grow up thinking a normal relationship means coldness, distrust and unkindness helped along with an occasional laugh together.

Short of op going nc with her brother then this persons name will keep on popping up.

It was a dance. If her dh at the time was so worried then he could have got up and joined her on the dance floor.

To quell her dhs insecurities the op has had to go without sex, for virtually 7 years, listen whilst she is berated every few weeks for 7 years and had to cut a friendship.

Dh sounds controlling.

Certainly wouldn’t stay in that marriage.

Sounds as though he's checked out of the marriage, but is looking for a reason to blame you, OP.

Your husband is being a cunt.

OP I think you both need to have a frank chat ... as posters many a time on this forum say ... when you are constantly accused of something .. the accuser is probably the 1 doing said thing or has done it..

So if after 7 yrs your DH is still accusing you and you are not intimate ... I am adding 2+2 and getting 5 🤷🏻‍♀️

You were dirty dancing with this man, humiliating your husband in public, and when he was shocked and hurt, your response was to dig in your heels.

For months you refused to end your relationship with OM. Why was that exactly? This man meant more to you than your husband did. You prioritized him, and obviously had emotional intimacy with him.

That months-long disrespect and disregard of your husband irreparably damaged your marriage. You were obviously inappropriately close to OM, but you’ve never admitted that.

You cryptically mention being foolish & naive, a friendship, and engaging in office banter prior to the suggestive dancing. Please explain. Are you referring to flirting, sharing personal information, texting after hours, secrecy, etc. If so, did your husband know or suspect any of this? If you crossed the line in any way prior to or after the dance, you must acknowledge that.

Why would you engage in any discussion of OM in front of your husband or otherwise?

Your relationship is now so toxic. Your husband has not had closure, but was wrong to be punitive. Couples counseling could be beneficial if you both want to try to salvage your marriage.

He's been mad at you for seven years for having a dance with a colleague?

Honestly life's too short to put up with that.

Thanks very much for the comments.

So firstly, I didn't have and never have had any desires for this person. My husband is my type and this colleague was the polar opposite - one of the reasons why I couldn't work out why he would think I was having an affair in the first place. Yes, I fully admit that in the few months afterwards I wasn't putting my marriage as my priority because I didn't want to delete this person as a contact. I regret this and have apologised for that many times over the last 7 years.

I didn't contact this person much on a 121 basis. I contacted him when I was arranging a big surprise for my husbands birthday and I needed advice when I was booking because this guy had been to where I was taking hubby. There was also a WhatsApp group, but my hubby was part of that group. There were no private calls, late nights, no texting or Facebooking.

Someone asked how it started. There was nothing happening, so I don't know what you mean by when it started. I would come home and talk about this colleague to my hubby, but my hubby had met him so it's just about what I was doing at work. In terms of when my hubby started talking about it, it was on the night of the leaving do. That's it.

And no, we weren't dancing suggestively. We were just part of a group of people on a dance floor. No touching, there was no grinding or intimacy it was just a group of people on the dance floor having fun like you do. But hubby viewed my behaviour as flirting and said I should have been stood with him, not dancing with these guys. And the reason he had a problem with this guy in particular, he didn't like the way this guy was looking at me.

When it comes to this person coming up in conversation, I don't ever instigate this, my husband does. Its usually when we ask my brother what he's up to, he might say he's going to football. Then hubby will say in private 'I'm guessing x will be there' I don't know, I have nothing to do with him and I don't ask my brother about him either, or there will be 'why does your brother meet up with him, can't you say something to him' I can't control who my brother sees! Then that starts up a whole conversation about everything that happened 7 years ago, I apologise for the millionth time and he says he's over it and he's not going to mention it again. But then a few months later, he will see something on TV that reminds him and he'll bring it up again.

I totally understand the view of 'if the shoe was on the other foot', but I've been apologising for 7 years!! What more can I do?! I don't keep bringing up the pictures I found on his phone 10 years ago of a woman bending over a desk in his office. I don't keep bringing up the stag do and the fact that he told me he did more than just look with the stripper he had. Its old news and nothing good lies in raking over the past.

I've priorised my marriage every day since. We spoke at length about splitting, but we both want our marriage to work which is why we've not split.

I'm not trying to make out I'm the victim here either and I really don't need your judgement and dissection. I came here to ask what I can do to help my husband get over this as it's not healthy for him or us to be continually going on about it.

And with regards to the banter in the office, I work in an all male environment and always have done. The guys get involved with banter and I will join in and yes it did get close to the mark. I feel I was foolish in thinking that me joining in would be seen as just innocent fun rather than being flirtatious. But I was clearly wrong, learned my lesson and haven't done that since.

Leave - he either has to forget it and move on or you have to leave this will never change!