Hubby won't let go of the past

[ElleGeeOh]

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

I cannot stand the 'if the genders were reversed' nonsense. If the sexes were reversed and a woman came on here and said that all that had happened was her DH dancing in a group with a younger colleague seven years ago and he'd been faithful and given her no cause for concern ever since, she'd be told to seek help.

Then if she added that she'd been inappropriate on other occasions, she'd be told she was being unfair.

He's an arse. DH wouldn't give a shiny shite if I danced and he didn't. Even with men. Because it's not Footloose and he's not my dad.

Your husband is a controlling ass hat youve done nothing wrong.

Are women really lot allowed to have and value male friendships? Some of my best friends in life have been males if my husband carried on like the Ops I'd be long divorced

FUCK THAT SHIT

Sounds like your dh has completely over reacted, and he’s given you nothing but stick for 7 years, to such an extent you’re actually starting to believe him.

I think he’s using this to abuse you! No Xmas or birthday pressies, no physical relationship and he’ll use it to berate you every so often.

Sorry op but your dh is an arse. I’d be giving him an ultimatum and sticking by it. He either lets it go, and starts to treat you with respect if he leaves. Simple as that

I'm always suspicious of drip feeds that paint the op in a positive/victim light, especially when it's likely pps are seeing through op's thinly disguised lies.

I'm not even married to you and I wouldn't trust you.

This marriage is over whatever angle you look at it anyway.

If he's really as bad as you claim, has acted inappropriately himself, controlling, unreasonable expectations etc - marriage over

If you're lying - to him, yourself, us, about your actions with this colleague and you're still 7 years later not acknowledging that - marriage over.

You could try counselling, but if he's controlling etc that's not going to help, if you're not being completely honest about your past actions plus he's unable to forgive (not everyone can) it's not going to help there either.

This marriage is done whatever the case.

If you were just dancing with a group of people, why did you say you were naive and it was inappropriate?

What's inappropriate about that? In your OP, you pretty much accepted blame and now you have some pp disagree with you or offer an alternative view, the account of the event is quite different.

Suddenly he's gone further with a stripper and more 10 years ago! Why was this not in your OP? And why when he brings up your incident, don't you remind him of his inappropriate behaviour?

If I had an issue with a woman my DH danced with, to the point it caused marital problems, I'd be rather pissed off if he asked her for suggestions for my birthday party tbh.

You said your brother brings his name up initially, now your DH asks about him.

Can you see how your account of these incidents lack consistency?

If the way you responded (defensively) is the way you respond to your DH, then I can see why he continues to be triggered by it.

You clearly think you've done nothing wrong and it's all on him, for seeing flirtation from an innocent group dance and still going on about it 7 years later..... so rather than another 7 years of this... do what you need to do to put an end to it.

If you were just dancing with a group of people, why did you say you were naive and it was inappropriate?

because she's had 7 years of this guy telling her she is the unforgiveable whore of babylon for dancing with him.

@Graphista*

I'm always suspicious of drip feeds that paint the op in a positive/victim light, especially when it's likely pps are seeing through op's thinly disguised lies

100%.

I didn't see your post, but I said the same up above.

I agree with everything you've said.

Its gone from

I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

To this

We were just part of a group of people on a dance floor. No touching, there was no grinding or intimacy it was just a group of people on the dance floor having fun like you do.

Anyone see the difference?

Why was it obvious why he got upset if the scenario in your second version is true?

I don't know what to believe, because you've changed your story.

Plus...you would bring the guys name up at home a bit ... heard of mentionitis?

Why was it relevant to mention it was a much younger colleague?

Yea I'm a long way from buying op completely innocent in this mess.

I do think husband wrong to stay in the marriage if he can't or doesn't want to forgive, but I don't think he has to forgive especially if op being less than honest and not genuinely remorseful.

I've forgiven cheating partners where it was either an emotional affair or a ons and they've been genuinely honest & remorseful. And that's not been the reason the relationships ended.

Me exh I didn't forgive nor attempt to because it was a long running affair and even when confronted with evidence he continued to deny, gaslight and minimise. So I ended the relationship. No point staying together if I couldn't trust him, miserable for both of you if it's just constantly being rehashed.

I very much get the sense op knows they were out of line but because it "wasn't that bad" or "didn't turn physical" are expecting the husband to "just get over it" without making any real efforts from their side - MONTHS to even cut the friendship? Come on!

No if another relationship is threatening the primary relationship you cut out the other relationship - no ifs, buts or maybes

I generally think ops like this read some of the replies who side with her and then use to justify their position

It either looked flirty or not didn't. And I doubt that's just because her husband has made her think that.

This man she seemed to be barely friends with, took priority over her marriage.

It's very odd.

Maybe if the husband wasn’t such a wet blanket his wife would want to spend time with him.

Maybe if the husband wasn’t such a wet blanket his wife would want to spend time with him.

Is that what you think about all the women that come here complaining about this very same thing? Thatsvits wifes fault for being a wet blanket?

It either looked flirty or not didn't. And I doubt that's just because her husband has made her think that.
I agree.

This man she seemed to be barely friends with, took priority over her marriage.

Absolutely.

Maybe if the husband wasn’t such a wet blanket his wife would want to spend time with him.
🤔
I got the impression it's him who isn't interested in sex with her.

This man she seemed to be barely friends with, took priority over her marriage.

because she danced with him? Or because she refused to immediately ask for absolution for dancing with him? That is taking priority over your marriage. What kinds of marriages do people have that they think they must do whatever the other person wants no matter what to "prioritise the marriage". I suppose the kind that end up on the relationship boards here. And who punishes a spouse for seven years because they failed to "prioritise the marriage" in one instance as in didn't immediately go no contact with a man they hadn't had an affair with?

This entire interaction seems bizarre to me but two things are clear.

One, the OP's husband has no intention of letting go of his justifiable hurt/abusive grudge - take your pick. I suspect he finds it very useful and has come to rely on it.

Two, posters may disagree about who is the baddie in all of this but we have a consensus that this marriage is dead in the water.

Jeez, some of the replies on here are horrid. Do any of the posters bleating on about how Op isn't owning her marriage wrecking behaviour ever spent 7 years feeling unloved, dismissed and ignored.
The sort of person who can give their partner two out of date chocolate bars as a present is exactly the sort who could use controlling and mean behaviours to gaslight their supposed beloved.
I suspect ,Op, you've had enough now and you posting on here is a great first step of really, truly, clarifying what exactly you get out of this marriage.
I believe you Op, there was no emotional affair. Please get some individual counseling, regardless of whether you stay in this relationship. How he has treated you isn't okay.

Amen.

because she danced with him?

No because of how she describes it. It could be seen as flirty, she was engaged in banter, that she now realises crossed a line.

When her husband told her he was uncomfortable, she refused to cut contact with someone she doesnt even count as a real friend.

I maintain if a woman posted what the OP has about her husband, people should be saying g he was crossing a line.

But I have maintained all along, if this isn't resolved after 7 years. The marriage is dead.

I was at a party with DP last night, danced with a guy I know well & DP knows vaguely though a friend. DP didn't bat an eyelid.

Whatever the case, you've been punished for 7 years by an obnoxious man who could have left if it's irked him for so very long + he doesn't trust or respect you - but instead he's stayed with you so he can torment you.

You need some kind of intervention so you can wake up and see you are in an unhealthy relationship. How many more years can you take of this?

I couldn't be asked. If he doesn't love you any more he can leave. I bet he won't though. He is weak and will stay to make your life miserable.

No sex, no affection, mean, unable to let go of the past. What's the point of him and your miserable relationship?

Don't live your 1 life in penance, it won't bring you joy and you'll regret it in years to come when you're crying and asking yourself why you stayed. & He'll still be droning on too

No because of how she describes it. It could be seen as flirty, she was engaged in banter, that she now realises crossed a line.

yeah and if my husband had done this I might have been angry for a night or two.

When her husband told her he was uncomfortable, she refused to cut contact with someone she doesnt even count as a real friend.

I wouldn't tell my husband who he can be friends with and if he tried to tell me that I should cut contact or submit to seven years of punishment, he'd be telling me who he is.

I appreciate you don't think the OP is telling the full story/the truth but on a forum like this don't you have to accept that the facts the OP is giving are true - otherwise what is the point? You can point out an alternative interpretation of the facts, explain that others might think differently but what is the point of replying "I don't think you are telling the truth so I will reply based on a version of the truth I am extrapolating/making up?

So if she said, I was dancing with a man and my husband got upset - yeah it is helpful for people to say "well I'd get upset too".

If she says I was dancing with a man in a group whom I had no interest in is it really helpful for people to say "well you were dirty dancing" or "you did have an interest in him" or "you aren't telling the truth.

This is more a forum question but surely it all becomes slightly surreal if we make up our own versions of what the OP is saying and offer them as alternative facts.

pallisers no it's called looking at it from both points of view.

Some people are able to do that.

You can see why so many threads about affairs turn up on here. People are so naive.

And some people are controlling and abusive.

OP stop being so nice to him and taking this shit he keeps whipping you with.
Next time he mentions it give him a taste of his own medicine with his double-standards re the stag do and his photo of his colleague bent over the desk etc.
I'm staggered how you have put up with this oxygen sapping resentful individual for so long.

why so snippy Freckleon. I know people look at it from both points of
view. I am actually capable of that myself and talked about it in my post.

So if she said, I was dancing with a man and my husband got upset - yeah it is helpful for people to say "well I'd get upset too"

I wasn't talking about looking at it from both points of view but disbelieving the OP. If you don't believe her, why bother replying?

pallisers the only one who is being snippy is you. Telling me what I am saying

It's an open forum. I happen to think the OP could be minimising and I am trying to see it from both sides.

People often minimise their own actions. Its not lying, it's natural bias. We all do it. Especially when people, like in the thread, start minimising it for you.

I am saying from her first post to her second, there seems to be a lot of minimising.

Didn't realise I had to side with the OP to post

I give up Freckles. I made a perfectly reasonable general comment and you have become offended for some reason. Off you go.