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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby won't let go of the past

152 replies

ElleGeeOh · 09/03/2019 22:51

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 10/03/2019 06:58

I wouldn't have apologised for dancing with a group of friends in the first place.

Steeve · 10/03/2019 07:00

Given your earlier posting I agree with @Graphista and @SandyY2K . You're minimising things, not at all saying your husbands behaviour is at all acceptable either.

Shantotto · 10/03/2019 07:01

From what you’ve posted there’s nothing to save. Your DH is behaving terribly. Why do you want to make this marriage work? It hasn’t worked for 7 years!

Modestandatinybitsexy · 10/03/2019 07:10

I don't believe you were at fault in this situation. He's twisted it into something it wasn't and has been using it as a stick to beat you with.

You either need couples counselling so he can see he's in the wrong and will change - unlikely - or you need to end your marriage.

You mentioned you've forgiven far greater indiscretions, I'm betting you're not allowed to bring these up.

Thatnovembernight · 10/03/2019 07:15

I’m don’t think there is anything you can do to stop him thinking and behaving the way he does or make him feel better about it. It’s more a case of how long you are willing to put up with it. I believe you then you say you were just dancing in a group and did nothing. Your husband sounds controlling and horrible; won’t join in with the dancing and expects you to stand next to him because HE doesn’t like it, makes you break contact with someone you didn’t do anything with, crossed the line himself with a stripper, also a colleague in his own office, won’t have sex with you, insults you with out of date food for Christmas gifts, ignores your birthday and holds a grudge. Honestly I would leave.

CinnabarRed · 10/03/2019 07:16

From your most recent posts I don’t think you’re minimising at all.

HidCat · 10/03/2019 07:18

OP it has been suggested further up that he can't forgive due to his own behaviour. Maybe he never forgave himself for what he did and this is how it's now presenting. I think some form of professional counselling may be the best option for your husband and then the two of you together. With male mental health so prominent at the moment hopefully he'll be willing to do this and you can work with him to get through it as you clearly want to do. He should be able to get some initial advice from his GP rather than go private.

Iggly · 10/03/2019 07:20

If you were dancing in a group, why would you think your dh has a point?

I suspect you’re both at fault here.

My dh has an emotional type thing with another woman 10 years ago. He was getting very close to her, lots of “confiding” and find reasons to talk to her etc. He then decided she was such a great friend he’s invite her to our wedding (even though I’d expressed my concerns).

Years later it still bugs me because I’ve realised that the reason I was so upset at the time was because dh brushed aside my concerns.

I don’t bring it up though at all.

You’ve drip fed a bit talking about your dh’s inappropriate behaviour. So I wonder if he’s maybe checked out and is looking for an escape hence keeps on punishing you for this old transgression.

whywhywhy6 · 10/03/2019 07:25

It's over. Move on. You need to be free of him and his antics.

Ratbagcatbag · 10/03/2019 07:25

I think your husband sounds a controlling dick, you danced with s guy, that's it.
He wants your marriage to work because it's easier and he can keep you in line with making you feel shit.
Walk away, dance with who you like, and stop apologising. You'll be doing it for the rest of your life. It's wearing and awful. His behaviour is killing your relationship. Not a dance 7 years ago.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 10/03/2019 07:25

Your DH sounds about as much fun as a mouth full of ulcers. Even if he is the best bang since the big one he isn't with it. He hates you but not as much as he hates being alone and his mask is off. I know as I dated his sort before and they weren't as good as acting. You'll never be good enough or be forgiven as he can never be wrong.

Silversky70 · 10/03/2019 07:27

Stop apologising, it's just his jealousy. You've done nothing wrong. Start getting pissed off instead. I think you need to leave him. Who wants to live like that??? You only get one life. What a nasty wanker.

PrestonsFlowers · 10/03/2019 07:28

MsDogLady
Which thread are you reading?
Because it doesn't appear to be this one

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/03/2019 07:29

So you had a dance with a colleague 7 YEARS ago and he has not stopped going on about it?! And you don't make love any more. If it was me, I would walk, your partner sounds like a complete wankpuffin. Life really is too short to put up with this shit. I recently binned my cheating husband (whole other story!) - best thing I ever did!

zsazsajuju · 10/03/2019 07:31

I can’t understand all the “emotional affair” nonsense. You had a friendship with a colleague which (from what you are telling us) was not inappropriate. He is being controlling and spiteful. I think you have to consider if this relationship is good for you and consider ltb.

Saffkeysnow · 10/03/2019 07:33

Oh @HollowTalk i was just thinking the sane
Do you know what,even if it had been a sexual affair your husband obviously chose to forgive you/stay together so its totally ridiculous that he's still mentioning it 7 years later.

cushioncuddle · 10/03/2019 07:36

When you forgive someone we draw a line and move on. It's not revisited. Unless your god then you pay for it and all relatives after it for eternity. He's not god. Option a applies to him

However I'm struggling to see what was inappropriate about your friendship with the colleague.

You're allowed friendships. Your allowed to dance with a male friend. As long as it's within normal friendship norms.

Your husband sounds like he's being cruel. That he's got something he can hold over you and he's enjoying that power.

It's quite abusive.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 10/03/2019 07:38

when you are constantly accused of something .. the accuser is probably the 1 doing said thing or has done it..

Christ, even by MN standards that is some quality mental acrobatics!

JenniferJareau · 10/03/2019 07:40

Sounds to me like your husband doesn't believe you about the relationship and can't let it go.

Is there really anything to save in your relationship?

BitOfFun · 10/03/2019 07:46

SEVEN YEARS AGO? Seriously, even if you'd shagged the guy on the Town Hall steps, this is too long ago for him to hold it over you. You've stayed together since, and if he's that obsessed by it still, he should have let you go.

Stand up for yourself, love.

thefirst48 · 10/03/2019 07:47

After reading your reply OP all I could think of was doormat! Do you have low self esteem because surely you can see this man is abusing you!

junebirthdaygirl · 10/03/2019 07:54

It sounds like your dh has found a way to keep you in a " down position" and he is not prepared to let that power go. He is totally out of order here.
One of my best friends dh had a full blown affair. She was devastated. They split up. But eventually after much counselling etc they got back together. She knew by making that decision she was letting it go. She couldn't live pointing the finger at him at every turn.
What you did is actually nothing. Its all in his head. It suits him to keep it going as it keeps you on a back footing. Buying you horrible presents deliberately and treating you so horribly means he has broken your marriage vows...to have and to hold...much more severely.
I never say this but leave him. He is horrible and mean spirited and doesn't deserve your love. He has had every opportunity to leave it. That conversation should be well over by now.
Please look after yourself here as this is not a good man.

Missingstreetlife · 10/03/2019 07:55

No,pan. Well known phenomena.

Bishalisha · 10/03/2019 08:02

To me, it sounds like he’s an emotional abuser who doesn’t actually care about the ex colleague- but enjoys using it as a stick to beat you with.

He can say literally one thing and have you back in your place, grovelling and remorseful; over something that isn’t as bad as he’s making it.

To me op, it sounds like you had a good friend in your work colleague and had a dance as a leaving celebration. Nothing wrong with that at all. He’s gas lighted you into believing you did something horrendous

(No I wouldn’t be horrified and jealous if I saw my husband dancing with a female colleague he had mentioned a lot, and even if I was, I wouldn’t punish him for 7 years)

HK20 · 10/03/2019 08:02

It's funny that when a woman posts something like this about something she's done, everyone blames the husband, and when a woman posts something like this about something her husband has done, everyone blames the husband.

Do you not understand how much you've hurt him by acting in that way? He's tried to tell you but you've expected him to just get over it.
How is he supposed to trust you?

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