Hubby won't let go of the past

[ElleGeeOh]

Ok, so I am a friendly person and 7 years ago I was foolish and naive. I was friendly with a much younger work colleague, but nothing happened in a sexual sense. There was office banter, the team got on well and we enjoyed our job, but I love my husband and went home happily to him every night.

I also love a laugh and a dance, my hubby on the other hand likes to sit at the side of the room with no dancing.

When I left the workplace, hubby came to the leaving do and I was on dance floor with this colleague and I can see now that it must have looked quite flirtatious and in front of my hubby too, so it's obvious now why he got very upset about it.

So much so that it almost ended our marriage.

He accused me of having an affair and all sorts which wasn't true and it literally took me years to convince him otherwise.

It didn't help that I was railing against losing the friendship. In my eyes I was just being friendly and didn't feel that I should lose a friend over my husbands jealousy, but I deleted this colleague from everywhere a few months after so we could move on and save our marriage.

What also doesnt help is that my brother regularly goes to football with this ex colleague, so this person pops up in conversation every so often.

But, my issue is this... My husband just won't let go. It's been 7 years now and he still brings it up at least once every 3-6 months. He still tells me how hurt he is that I gave the perception of being a single woman and seemingly flirting when I'm married and I showed no respect for him and other people saw that and lost respect for both of us.

In hindsight, I can see why he was so pissed off, but I am now getting tired of constantly being batted over the head about it.

It's so bad now that he often doesn't bother with birthdays or Christmas either. This Christmas he gave me two out of date chocolate bars and on my birthday I got nothing. I know it's not about the gift, but I feel so unappreciated. He even said once that I don't deserve it!

He doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore either. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, we somehow managed to conceive our child, but that was 2016 and we've not had sex since then! He just turns away or makes excuses.

We still have a laugh and enjoy bringing up our child, but when it gets brought up for the nth time I just feel so sad for both of us and kick myself.

I said to him today that I know that 7 years ago I was silly, but it is now him that is ruining this relationship and he really needs to sort himself out because I'm fed up of him being so unkind, ungrateful and cruel.

Am I being too harsh? What can I do or say to help him get past this once and for all?

HK20 she danced in a group and a man was there. Are you from a culture where this isn't acceptable?

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong at all frankly and I'm very surprised at the assumptions being made by some judgey posters here. It takes so very little sometimes for people on here to start screaming "emotional affair!" Often though, when others on past MN threads have been wrongly accused of cheating, it's transpired their OH was cheating and projecting their terrible behaviour standards onto their partner. I think your husband is an abusive arsehole and things will not change until you get away from him. He is not going to stop using this against you because he's found (in his mind) the a perfect excuse to emotionally abuse you and keep you in your place.

He is clearly judging you by his own standards ie whatever happened with the stripper.

I would seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life apologising for something that never happened.

Dancing in a group while husband was present was out of order? Christ.

You were dirty dancing with this man, humiliating your husband

What?? No, she was dancing with this man. Nothing dirty about it. And she later said they were dancing as part of a group. Some of the mental leaps of this thread are staggering.

They are aren't they Queenoftheandals!

I guess some people have very active imaginations but not quite so strong reading comprehension skills

Have either of you had any counselling? Your marriage is terrible and doesn’t sound worth saving at all, he sounds awful. But maybe you need to talk this through properly with someone. He probably won’t agree to joint counselling because it will become clear that this is his problem.

If he has held on to this issue for 7 years then I don't think he will ever let it go. And he sounds mean - out of date chocolate bars?! Wtf? He also sounds a bit controlling, assuming it was just dancing. I honestly wouldn't be bothered if my dh hit the dance floor with a female friend.

Maybe he wants to hold onto so he can justify his own actions??

You need to leave him OP. You did nothing wrong and he is torturing you. You don't deserve his quite frankly abusive and controlling behaviour. It will never end. I'm sorry you have had to go through this.
The problem is him.

@Silversky70 no, I just have morals. If it was completely innocent her husband wouldn't be this upset 7 years later.
Her initial post said about this man specifically, but now it was 'dancing in a group'.

The fact the husband accused OP of an affair following the incident, and her admitting to being 'flirtatious' would suggest there's far more to the story.

He sounds like he's been holding this perceived bad behaviour as an excuse to be shit to you ever since. Why do you want to stay with him? I don't really think you even did anything wrong op.

My sister had an affair, (in my opinion BIL has been emotionally abusive, for years) when it came to light she wanted to end the marriage, her H begged her not to leave and she felt so guilty she agreed to stay. He never let her forget that affair and he made her life a misery. 10 years later he left her. She’s absolutely devastated that she wasted 10 more years in that marriage. Don’t let that happen to you OP.

If you can’t walk away, and as a last resort, go to counselling together, so you know you’ve tried everything.

If it was completely innocent her husband wouldn't be this upset 7 years later.

Unless of course he's emotionally abusive and trying to gaslight her. Some men are controlling and don't like their partners being friendly towards any other man. OP's husband sounds like one of them. Nothing to do with "having morals" 🙄

@HK20
It does not suggest that there's more to it.
Just reading the replies on here, it's clear that many,many people add two and two and make five thousand.
Op, I'd leave him, he seems to be enjoying punishing you.

@HK20 unless her husband is a controlling arse using an innocuous incident, which the OP has spent seven years apologising for and explaining, to justify his meanness? The OP doesn't admit to "being flirtatious", she says it must have looked flirtatious but somehow I think she says this because she's spent so long having her DH telling her it did.

Please get some counselling, but on your own. Do not get joint counselling with this man. He will only use it to his advantage.

How old are you OP? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being berated for having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and dancing with him? And in a sexless marriage no less?

Your DH can't go on punishing you for ever. He needs to decide whether he wants to stay with you or split from you.

If you want to stay together then your DH needs to stop bringing up the past situation and fully commit to a loving and sexual relationship with you.

A man who thinks you should stand with him at the side of the dance floor instead of dancing. Think what your life with him will be like, looking back when you’re 70. He has you believing black is white. Neither of you are happy, but there’s a chance you could be if you parted.

The problem is that based on this info a gaslighting and controlling DH and an OP in denial about an emotional affair are pretty hard to distinguish and the advice on who needs to change are somewhat different.

However, regardless, the resentment and contempt are firmly established and so I think your marriage is beyond repair.

I'm not sure why you want to stay married to this man. He has no redeeming features apparently.

Every day must be a misery

If he hasn't moved on after 7 years then he never will. I would end the marriage if I was you OP

Whether or not the OP crossed a line in her friendship with the ex-colleague is almost irrelevant. My advice is the same either way!

With your additional info, you did nothing wrong but his jealousy made you feel like you did. To punish you for 7 years is simply abuse.

I wouldn't put up with it every again.
Tell him if he brings it up again and continues to treat you like shite, he can just leave.

Sorry, but he sounds controlling and has trust issues that are not linked to your behavior but probably from his past.
He is being abusive by constantly bringing up this incident and blaming.
You need to put your foot down and not allow him to get emotional leverage out of something you are not guilty of. He will harvest every sign of guilt you show to bully you. If I was you, I would tell him that you have apologized for the way your behavior made him feel (not that what you did was wrong per se) and that you are moving on and the topic is not open for discussion. If it were my husband i would leave if he pursued it further. What he is doing to the relationship is worse than the original incident.