Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

Instead of planning and taking action with what you now know, you’re talking about waiting until you have evidence of a PA before confronting, and you “keep envisioning confronting and that gives me satisfaction.”

I wish you well.

Sorry OP but all I am seeing here are excuses.

Excuses why you can't leave, excuses for him cheating on you, excuses why you can't do the freedom programme etc.

You say you're going to secretly get a mortgage on a house then leave..oh please.

Stay with him and be miserable and let your DD continue to be miserable, all the while hoping that your OH will suddenly magically change into a decent person. He won't.

Or get fucking on with it and stop making excuses and sort your financial situation out and move out.

They are your choices. I suggest you choose option 2.

MrJolly it's hard to read isn't it. I genuinely feel for her situation but her lack of action when it's staring us ALL in the face she is in an unhappy, abusive relationship is frustrating. Please OP take action, if not for your sake then for the sake of your DDs.

You are reminding me of my mum, who's focus was primarily on the men in her life, particularly my cheating dad who was married to someone else and abusive, but a handsome charmer with it.

I feel for your DD with MH problems. At 4 years old I used to scream for no apparent reason and I was prescribed anti-depressants (I've seen my medical records) I was on them until I was 6 years old (funnily enough - soon after my dad died). I've also been on them for the last 30 years (I'm now in my 50's)

I firmly believe if my mum had listened to the many people and agencies around her who tried and failed to get her to focus on what would be best for her children rather than her numerous 'relationship' issues I would not have the ongoing MH problems that I have now.

I am urging you to pick yourself up and focus on your children and get out of this shit relationship. For your sake, but most importantly, for theirs.

Read more msgs
Looks like they're planning to meet on a certain day I need to get back on to see
But he said after the 15'

Just so distraught it's carrying on

@Notcoolmum

He's not really abusive now though?

I was talking past experiences I've had but tbh he hasn't been EA for a few good months

@Binting

That's horrible, can you explain exactly what your dad did? You mention he was unfaithful to your mum but how about in terms of being abusive?

I think the ea etc Iv grown up with so I don't see it as a reason to leave
I will do the freedom programme though in the summer, it's what the social worker said I must do

Do you want your own dc to think EA is normal?

christ OP, you have the patience of a bloody saint.

So you've seen they are planning to meet up

And you still need more proof/evidence?

What are you going to do?

He's not really abusive now though? I was talking past experiences I've had but tbh he hasn't been EA for a few good months

Oh Jesus Christ! I’m banging my head on the wall here. OP, your mind is so skewed that you just don’t recognise abuse. Do you really think he won’t abuse you again? Really?

OP where does your mum live? Pack yours and your DDs bags and go.

Dear God, why are you obsessing over fuckin text msgs? He's a cunt he treats you like dirt, abuses you and his kids, get a grip and stop being so needy and put your girls first and leave. Stop dithering and go!

Acal - I only know from my care records, but he was physically and emotionally abusive. I was terrified of noise and I think that was due to shouting and chaos in the house. It doesn’t sound like that is what’s going on with you? The thing is that before I could talk I learned to tune in to what was going on around me and some of my earliest memories are trying to disappear into the background and stay quiet. Children are so perceptive to what is going on around them even if they can’t verbalise their feelings.

My dad was unfaithful to his wife with my mum and lived back and forth between the 2 of them. Him being unfaithful isn’t the issue. The issue was my mums complete inability to focus on her children instead of wailing about my dad. She lost legal custody of all of us but still cried most about how unlucky in love she was and how unfair life had been to her.

Please don’t be that sort of woman. You want your children to grow up with a positive role model? You’ve left him before you can do so again. If I could gift you some of my strength and resilience I would, but I can’t. You have to find it within yourself to look at this situation and know that you and your children deserve better,

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

We have a holiday booked I don't want to ruin it all for the kids n that's the gods honest truth.
It is hard just hanging on like this though. It's ridiculous he only texts her when he's at work , I don't see how they can harper an affair and why she is allowing it!
I'd be fuming if a guy was only txting me in the day n not in the evenings

@nespressowoo

Ironically, it's my mum who's telling me to stay out . She's a traditional and religious woman. Also she adores her granddaughters
She's scared because she knows he'll take them last time n she doesn't like that idea. She's quite old-fashioned n thinks the kids should be with their mum always . I guess I am too :(

Really struggling here. Sorry all

@Binting

Your post has touched me the most. I have been re-reading it. I do feel seriously ill thinking of what could happen.

You are all right I do need a backbone. I'm so emotionally weak it's untrue.

I'm just wondering could we get past this,? Or would he leave me for her?

Yes - I'd say it's quite likely

And he wouldn't just be leaving you for her, he'd be kicking you out for her.

Wouldn't you rather take some control back?

And so what about the holiday..there will be other holidays, you have much more important stuff going on. And what will you do anyway? Pretend to him and his family that everything is ok? You'd better brush up on your Oscar winning skills ffs

He's cheating on you, you deserve better and more importantly your children deserve better.

@Acalavero so glad that lovely @binting has made you see the light somewhat! I second her thoughts and one of my biggest regrets is my wonderful mum not leaving my dad when they were so unhappy for so long. Her family (Irish catholic) simply don't 'do' divorce and she has always said she was desperate to keep the family unit together.

Dad inevitably had an affair and it destroyed her confidence even more. She is a KICKASS woman (I always say if I met her when we were the same age we'd definitely have been best friends even though we are v different.

I'd so rather have had two happy parents in different houses than two unhappy ones.

Watching their relationship really affected me as, although I didn't realise til this year at 32 years old, it's the reason I've previously invested years and years on people who didn't deserve it, because 'you don't just give up on a relationship' / 'everyone is unhappy really' / 'all partners end up not liking each other' / 'that's just real life' etc - thoughts engrained on me from a young age.

Turns out that's all bullshit and you can be with someone who makes you laugh and makes you happy. Sure, everyone annoys each other from time to time but everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them feel secure, makes them laugh, is kind, is supportive.

I wish I could roll back the years, I would have been an AWESOME wing woman for my mum and if they'd split when they were unhappy maybe she could have found a wonderful man that we could enjoy seeing her share a life with!

My god, you are staying because you have a holiday booked? And ‘can we get past this or will he go off with her’, honestly, why would you want this hideous man?? Why is he, the one who treats you so badly, your only option??? You can do so much better by just leaving him altogether.

His family have been so good to me
We've gotten rly close, the closest Iv ever got to them in all these years.
I guess I'm just going along for them atm as we have a lot of things planned. It's also my Birthday

I know it sounds pathetic but I don't wanna be alone on my birthday. I'm prone to depression etc and I could just do without that all

Please don't think I'm not going to leave him because I am going to I just don't wanna do it so sudden. I have to be smart by this and at least have some security as that will be another thing he'll have against me

The last time I left, I rented a property in a "not so good" area . He always pointed this out saying it's not good for the kids!!! Can you believe! I would love to just have somewhere safe n secure so I can throw that in his face too.

OP from what I’ve read it seems you want the father of your children to suddenly change. BE devoted and loving towards you. AND you’re hanging in there hoping. YOur reasons are he has no hobbies (and nor do you) or social life as he turned down friend’s invite for a drink (again you don’t have a social life away from him).

He works away half the month. Doesn’t contact you when away. hEs made a decision to move you all to Saudi.

You see his messages all the time as there’s many updates. But can’t get etc photos or screenshots of them.

You work part time but can get a mortgage in secret to buy a house.

You agreed to return in 2015 despite having got yourself somewhere to live without putting security in place re being added to house to stop it happening again.

By your own admission you’ve started numerous threads (I haven’t checked by AS search) but nothing has changed. So you just like the drama and relish being the victim it may seem.

Mumsnet can’t make him adore you and sort out your financial vulnerability

@janus

One thing about MN is it opens you up to all kind of what ifs and anecdotes on relationships. I'd say since I've been on here Iv read posts where women have left their cheating partners, but then there's the other side where there are women who have tried to get past it, counselling, having a real look at the relationship etc

So I just want to know my options. Would this be something we could work on if I confronted him? Or by the sounds of it has he made up his mind and doesn't care about the relationship?

@Cuttingthegrass

I'm astonished you know so much! Are you a counsellor?

You're right of course, I guess I just need some support. Only one friend knows about this. I don't have many friends you're right, more work colleagues but close ones.