Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

@queenqueenqueen

Thanks

I don't have another easier option. I forgot to say last time we split was hell for my dd she didn't like being away from me but the arrangement was he had her two nights a week, now we've got a one year old dd I dread it
He isn't very paternal
He's acts "familyish" when we're together
Alone, I have a feeling he won't be hands on or attentive to them

My worst fear is he gets older dd ;who's 11 to do everything for younger dd. He already has a habit of doing this n I hate it
Like hell say watch ur sister n go do something round the house n then if for example she falls over, he'll shoot at older dd saying I told u to watch her"

This is with me in the same house as well (when I've been cooking or doing housework) so I find it horrible I'm trying to protect them both the best I can

I have a feeling he'll be leaving younger dd with older dd so he can go out etc

Police officers face possible dismissal if they look at records for personal reasons so she may not know about his record. I agree the woman is an appalling excuse for a human but he is far worse.

You seem to be suffering from something not unlike Stockholm syndrome. Even if you have a deposit and sorted a mortgage out today buying can take months. This feels like a delaying tactic to not leave.

What you need to work on is why after listing such terrible treatment why you still can’t leave. I think you should ring women’s aid. I think you have had some great advice and support on this thread but to actually have validation by listening and the more personal contact of actually talking it through will hopefully help you further.

Freedom program with women’s aid. Look into it.

How are you going to save for a deposit and a mortgage.

I think you need some good real life advice. Try women’s aid and the citizens advice bureau

Forgot to mention he was thinking about applying job abroad within his company last week. His parents also seemed for it and he's come out with yesterday that he is going to apply to this job!

So again I'm confused, the job would entail us all going out as a family and we would HAVE to get married as it's an Islamic country in the Middle East that is very strict (you have to send a copy of marriage certificate)

I am now hoping he gets this job then my plan is to tell him I'm
Not going with him and produce the evidence I have

Please everybody pray he gets this job!! It's the easiest way! And I promise to post on here with the update! If he gets this job he's then out the way I dot have to deal with him for childcare etc

Ok but don’t ever, ever, go with him as you will have so many problems leaving again, he will be able to block you leaving the country with ‘his’ children. So just don’t go if he does get offered the job, even for a holiday, without proper advice.

@Janus

Thank you so much , yes I am adamant not to go. I really don't want to anyway, my mum was saying "but here's your chance to get married to him now, after all these years of him never bothering"

But no way. Not after what I've seen. The texts have knocked me sicked. I've lost 5 pounds in weight this week! Weighed myself today!

I think God has blessed me with this chance. If he goes, trust me it will be so much easier to leave and start afresh. One reason being, he might spare us from being kicked out again because of he's going to live in Saudi he'd want his house occupied. That would be so much easier,
My dd goes to school nearby and so will younger dd.

I pray he gets this !!

Any other takes on that plan?

You just need to take action and stop with the what ifs.

I think it is unwise to let these kind of external circumstances drive your life. You are still avoiding making the decision on your own to leave.

What is the timeline? Wouldn’t it likely take months from the application process to his actual leaving? The strict Muslim country may not accept him due to his social services record. Also, he may cancel when he discovers you are not going.

If he doesn’t go and you separate, you could set up contact officially with the court. With his s.s. record and your testimony that he has left your 11 year old to care for the baby, you could ask for supervised contact. Perhaps his contact could be at his parents’ home.

Please don’t stay because your daughters will miss you on his contact days. They need an emotionally safe and peaceful home base.

these kinds

"but here's your chance to get married to him now, after all these years of him never bothering"

That's one of the sadder and more desperate things I've read on here.

I think what's very clear is it really is all about the house and security for you, it's really not about the relationship and your love for each other any more.

I really hope that you're not hoping he gets the job so he is forced to marry you. That's really no way to live.

With a mum like that, no wonder you're struggling to see your path, op.

To quote a regular poster here, what did you learn about relationships growing up?

@Bluntness100

@MsDogLady

I dunno what it is but I would find it so much easier to just leave and get on with my life with the kids if he wasn't around and if I didn't have to see him again?

That's what happened last time , because he was picking up dd got talking n that's how I ended up back with him as there's still feelings I also used to get mad panic attacks I'd see him round with another woman
And even worse the ow would meet my kids.

I honestly just want him to go so it's easier for me I know I can make a fresh start

@MsDogLady
I don't think there's a record of ss with him, what happened was they dealt with me. I was very nervous about them contacting him incase he went mad because I had told them what he's been doing
So all that happened was the Police force investigated him and put me on that emergency contact list incase anything happened

I don't know if there would be an actual record about this without him knowing??

@Bluntness100

Thanks . You got it one
I come from a very traditional, religious family who believe that you should try in marriage and put up just for the children
My mum did the same my dad was physically and emotionally abusive to her
But also she married into the family so was difficult to get away anyway

But it can’t be like that OP. You made a decision to have 2 children with him and he will always be their father. My ex has completely walked away and whilst it’s been easier for me. It is heartbreaking to see the effect growing up and feeling unloved and rejected has had in my children.

You need to leave and be brave. Your girls will be so much better out of this horrible situation. And you will be too.

Let other women have him. He really is no catch.

@Notcoolmum

Yes I suppose if he didn't bother I'd really mind that too. I think it's just because he's so intensive all the time.

I think him and the woman will be planning to meet in a week or so outside work toobviously turn it into physical, I had another loook at his txts
And heartbroken to say its him that's completely pursuing her, she actually never txts first, he does and she ever mentions anything explicit- he does
By her txts I actually think she might not be too into him, her txts are quite short and she doesn't txt him a lot it's more him txting her asking her how she's been etc

So I'm really in two minds whether to confront him now or wait to see if he goes ahead with taking it to the next step??

Why is all you want to address the infidelity?

You come from a background of abusive relationships and you're repeating this pattern for your dc.

In years to come, do you want to see your daughters in relationships like this? Pissing their lives away being passively miserable and obsessed by shit blokes? You have a chance to turn this around for yourself and them, by breaking the pattern like your mother failed to do, failing you. It doesn't have to be like that for your dc.

I would maybe wait and would be nice if she isn't as interested as him and it all falls flat on him. Then let him know you know after.

Y

Social services have been involved....She’s law enforcement so she can easily check n it wouldn’t take her long to see that he’s been emotionally abusive to me which the ss have logged.

When I read that, I assumed that a file had been opened.

Why wait for specific evidence that he has physically cheated? He is emotionally and sexually cheating now (I want you on top), and has also previously cheated by sexting other women. He has emotionally abused you in a myriad of ways and has also financially abused you. He has kicked out you and his children because you joined a basketball team. He humiliates you by not wanting to be out in public alone with you. He shouts in front of the children and they witness your toxic dynamic. One child already has MH problems.

I would just tell him that it doesn’t work for you any longer.

Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me I don't think I can get over it
I think the ea etc Iv grown up with so I don't see it as a reason to leave
I will do the freedom programme though in the summer, it's what the social worker said I must do

@Raindancer411
I like this idea. I keep envisioning confronting him and that gives me satisfaction

@MsDogLady

It's a question I have for the sw
I remember she said the case would be closed but details would be loved so not sure if it is accessible to someone with SC clearance?
I was kind of hoping it would so they could see

Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me I don't think I can get over it

But is it though? You seem to be constantly trying to find reasons to not confront this. He’s behaved atrociously on so many occasions yet still, none of that is, in your mind, reason to leave. I fear that even if you were to discover them in the act so as to speak, you’d simply shift the bar to facilitate staying.

The fantasy of a big ‘reveal’ that you know he’s in a PA is enticing to you, but it will likely be a letdown. He may not react like you hope he will. I assume that you confronted him about his previous sexting, but you are still there, and he is still sexting.

You are wasting precious time trying to catch him. They may not even text about it if they do get physical. Why not tell him that you know he is sexting this OW and you are leaving. ‘I want you on top’ is all the evidence you need.

Why must you wait until summer to do the Freedom Programme?

@MsDogLady

All the dates are clashing with my work days. I don't really wanna be taking time off because there are lots of cuts going on in my workplace so we've decided I'm better off doing it in the summer
I can also do the online course but I'd like to meet other women in similar positions too.

What effect do u think I'm after btw with me telling him I know about the txts?