Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

I want to be with him but feel sick At his total disregard and cheating
You continue to just focus on yourself. What about your children? Don’t they deserve better than this crap? When will you think of them? One already has mental health problems and you still continue to only focus on yourself.

Your obsession with being with this man who does not give a damn about you, and your fear of being alone trumps the safety and well-being of your children who already have mental health problems and are at risk of being made homeless at any time. You would rather risk them be made homeless than put together provisions to ensure their safety so long as you can stay with a cheating liar.

Why the hell do you want to be with this man?!

Dont you care about your children?

Your kids deserve better parents. He’s the abuser but you are failing to protect them. If social services were involved you would be deemed just as bad as he is! Sort yourself out and get over your obsession with this man for your daughters sake. Jesus Christ some people

Sorry, but have I missed something which says social services need to be involved with the children?

Social services have been involved because he shouts in front of the children so when dd was born they intervened because I went to my GP

Another reason I'm confused about this woman as she's law enforcement so she can easily check, n it wouldn't take her long to see that he's been emotionally abusive to me which the ss have logged

Anyway, that was a long time ago I am afraid to leave him
And @katy78 I am trying to think of a plan but it will take time
U can't unsettle the kids routine
His parents do a lot of the childcare so I need to tread carefully

Please explain OP why you keep putting all of the decision making at this woman's door. Why she should think of you, or check out his history? Why are you placing all of the responsibility on her?

By your own admission your ex partner is abusive and yet you still stay with him with your children, taking whatever crumbs he throws at you.

You don't seem to want to change this situation at all. You have recieved so much advice from people who are concerned about your and your DDs and yet you don't seem to want or be able to take any action.

Good luck. I can't follow this thread any more.

@Notcoolmum

I guess it's because she's older and in a really high position
In the past he's always targeted quite vulnerable women and low educated/jobs and boasts because he has two degrees etc sorry I am just coming to terms with it all

Since I've known him he tends to have these patterns I've caught him on dating sites or chatting to random women online/sexting
I have to say he's never been this close to a full blown affair though

You've caught him on dating sites and chatting to other women before????
He shouts and is emotionally abusive to you???

What, and I cannot emphasise this strongly enough, the actual fuck are you wasting your life with this complete loser for?

God OP, please get rid of him.

First things first -
You're not married, so who owns the house or is it joint?
Do you have anywhere to go?
Do you have any money?

Please for the love of god, and your children, do not spend another minute trying to make this work. He's a wrong 'un

OP... accept that he will always be interested in other women?

He has a pattern of targeting vulnerable women.

You've caught him sexting more than once.

He won't change. So you can accept that or make a change yourself.

Get yourself back into basketball. Tell him your GP has recommended sport as a benefit for your physical and mental wellbeing.

If you get on with his parents, arrange babysitting directly with them and get out of the house.

He wants to isolate you and have your world revolve around him.

He doesn't want you to have any kind of support network.

You need to start seeing him for what he really is.

I'm not saying to pack your DD bags now...but construct a plan.

Your daughters will see this as normal and the cycle will continue... get smart and take control of your life.

Invest time and energy into yourself and your girls. Stop stressing about the OW, because he'll do what he wants regardless .

You need to become independent, because he holds that over you with his house.

What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this?

You're more hurt by someone you've never been in a relationship with than by someone you share a life with?

If you want a relationship without trust or respect (is that a relationship or a hostage situation?) — continue. You don’t get to bitch about his abusiveness and then stick around for more. Put up or shut up.

I don’t know if he would officially meet the criteria of the ICD or DSM, but from what you write, he does have narcissistic characteristics.

It is difficult, but you are not helping yourself by ruminating over the OW. If she has done a background check, she obviously doesn’t care about what she read.

The huge issue is: why are YOU ignoring what it says? Social services intervened because he emotionally abuses you and shouts in front of the children. Your older daughter already has MH problems, yet you continue to expose her and your baby to this abuser.

Children exposed to physical/emotional/verbal violence live with fear, anxiety and uncertainty. They can face short-term risks, including cognitive, emotional and behavioral problems, as well as long-term problems like adult depression and trauma symptoms. Other risks are increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships.

You need to leave. You say child care would be tricky because his parents help. Surely they would continue helping even if you move out. They are their grandchildren. If they refuse to continue, find alternative help.

This man doesn’t seem to see you as a separate person with dignity and rights, and likely never will. You seem dependent on him for approval and your sense of identity. That dynamic damages your children.

You have to break away. Make a plan. Go back to therapy. Your children deserve a better life than this.

Just saw your update. Dating sites, online chatting/sexting? In my world, sexting is cheating.

Wow, you need to make your exit plans. He isn't going to change.

@katy78

The abuse isn't so much anymore like I've said and another pp has mentioned @MsDogLady
He seems to have lost feelings so he isn't being EA interestingly

I would say cheating on you abusive (I consider the texts he is sending to the other woman cheating).

I think by now we know you will stay and put up with anything and so do you OP...I just pity your children who dont deserve to be screwed up anymore than they are...of that you and him are equally guilty. Your problem is so not with the other woman ,she owes you nothing.she will not be giving you or the kids a second thought believe me..she doesnt care what you feel or what you are going through why should she? If it wasnt this particular woman it would be someone else.....you really do need to face reality.He is treating you like shit on his shoe ..dont let him.

Will he treat every woman like this or is it just me?

Acalavero, does it matter? Do you want him to?

The answer is probably yes. Maybe not at first, but eventually, possibly

But...on the other hand, he might only treat YOU like this because YOU let him.

Perhaps other women won’t tolerate his behaviour and he’ll have to straighten up.

You deserve better than him and would find someone better than him and should for your kids find someone better than him.

Why the fuck would you care how he would treat another woman???

Fact is that he treats you like absolute shite and you hang around for more, all the while exposing your daughters to this toxic relationship.

You've lost my sympathy op, is it the drama you like or the ability to play victim?

Stop worrying about the other women for god sake (and I use that in plural). Put your big girl pants on and actually do something good for yourself and daughters rather than wallowing in this complete nonsense in perpetuity!

This is a sad read. I hope one day you have the courage and strength to leave and make a happier life for you and your children.

He's been txting her since beginning of February, just had s better look at all the messages
He sat next to her since December and they've gotten close, atm I think it's a EA with him trying to make it physical. They say miss you a lot to each other
What breaks my heart is he says this to me too esp when working away from home.

So, now I know I have to leave him. I'm in physical pain from this all . I can't believe how he's being with her. My plan is to secretly buy house on mortgage. When it's complete that's when I'll go.
I don't have many friends or support in the meantime I'm scared COs I know I'll still be here with him how do I act normal?

Won't that take months? Do you really think it's good for you and your dc to be sitting there for months more?

Why not rent somewhere temporarily and then you have time to find the right place for you.

I really don't think you should buy somewhere, I'm in the process of doing that at the moment and it's taking forever
You need to get out ASAP

Sorry you're going through this xxx