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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do when another woman is making a play for your DP?

193 replies

ANN00 · 07/03/2019 20:43

My DP has acquired a female fan. She has always been overly friendly with him but appears to be ramping things up.

She has asked him to help her assemble a bed and he has agreed to help her. Apparently she then said to him that it’s great to have a friend with benefits (meaning his furniture assembly skills).

I’ve just told him to be careful and have an excuse ready in case she makes a move. He doesn’t seem bothered but I’ve been thinking about this tonight and I’m not sure how comfortable I am with him helping her out.

Tell me I’m being silly and should just get a handle on my jealousy.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 10:05

Also he has the van for this 'favour' - all very understandable; but he's not the only colleague/acquaintance who can help build the bed, he wasn't the only colleague/acquaintance who could help with a car ... It always seems to be him.

Totally aside from the bum groping and the messaging, even if it was truly platonic; it's unfair because it's too much on one colleague/acquaintance.

But that's not really the problem, let's be realistic.

BarbedBloom · 09/03/2019 10:15

My DH would not be going in these circumstances but if someone had felt his bum he would realise himself that a boundary had been crossed. Your DH is the issue here, he needs to shut this down. Drop the bed over and leave, you or a colleague with him if necessary. She should be learning self reliance rather than expecting your DH to save her all the time - totally inappropriate.

It is okay to set boundaries, your partner can then either choose to accept them or say he doesn’t agree. Of course trust comes into play, but each person in a relationship can decide what they are comfortable with and make that clear. I have no time for being a cool girlfriend, I am fine with my DH having female friends and hanging out with them, but in this circumstance I would have no issue with making my feelings clear

BarbedBloom · 09/03/2019 10:17

And just realised I typed DH instead of DP a couple of times there - apologies, I did read the OP

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 09/03/2019 10:20

I cant do with these posters who give it the “oh my husband is sooo friendly, woman take his niceness the wrong way blah blah.” What a load of bollocks. Even the most naive of men know when things are crossing a line, and any wife who falls for that old shit needs to give themslelves a good shake. It’s just a subconscious way of absolving him of any blame.

Takeapolaroid · 09/03/2019 10:26

I was talking to a male friend about helping out single women (single parent myself) and I gave him an example of a scenario (not bed building but similar) and he said he would expect a shag for that .

I had asked a colleague to help with the situation and he did indeed make a pass on another occasion as if I was indebted to him.

So no I would not be happy if I were you.

Btw when I needed a bed built recently I paid a handyman.

LinoleumBlownapart · 09/03/2019 10:29

As this woman has crossed a line then he needs to put up some boundaries. If he doesn't do it, then it's because he doesn't want to and in that case I would let him know that his behaviour has given you all the information you need to know about where you stand.

BeGoodTanya · 09/03/2019 10:31

In fairness, Take, your male friend and colleague both sound like total wankers if they expect sex for helping out a woman with some task.

Cravingseaside · 09/03/2019 10:34

Takeapolaroid nice guys! Most men are happy to do a favour for someone without expecting sex in return!

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2019 10:35

If a female colleague had felt my DH’s bum or made suggestive comments to him he would be avoiding her like the plague.
But then he doesn’t need his ego stroking
He knows she fancies him, if he encourages her and something does happen you need to blame him not her

Pengrin · 09/03/2019 10:35

She felt his bum?

She needs him to deliver her furniture and put it together for her? How did she cope before your DH came along?

And you’re considering going along to make her some tea?

No.

Your DH needs to grow some balls. Any offers of help should have been swiftly withdrawn once she crossed the line with touching him and flirting.

Pengrin · 09/03/2019 10:36

DP* sorry

stollysholly · 09/03/2019 11:02

I have a married male friend who works in a department which seems to have a high proportion of single women working there. He is a nice bloke and often helps various female colleagues out when they need something heavy moving, a bit of minor DIY doing etc. At least two of the women have attempted to make a move on him and both times his answer has been that they have misinterpreted his friendship and that he loves his wife and he would never cheat on her.

OP, you either trust your DP to shut this down if she makes a move or you don't. Maybe, I'm one of those too cool GFs who will eventually get cheated on, but there are a lot of posts on this thread that suggest that men in relationships can't be trusted to be alone with a woman who might fancy them. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who I didn't think would make the right call if another woman came on to him.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 09/03/2019 11:07

At least two of the women have attempted to make a move on him and both times his answer has been that they have misinterpreted his friendship and that he loves his wife and he would never cheat on her. that is exactly what I'd expect my DH to do, right after he got his bum felt and it's just what I'd do in the same situation.

GoldenBee · 09/03/2019 11:21

Go along and give the reason that you are both going straight on for a meal afterwards as bed making won't take long. Helping her is just a pit stop during your fun day together.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/03/2019 11:55

My DH had a friend like this. She'd call him in the middle of the night and try and get him to come over.

We all went to a mutual friends party and I took her aside and said her actions were inappropriate, especially when she tried flirting in front of our children. She stopped after that.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 12:05

I took her aside and said her actions were inappropriate, especially when she tried flirting in front of our children. She stopped after that.

You shouldn't have had to.

DBML · 09/03/2019 12:55

My husband said that if this was him he would have laughed and said
‘I don’t have time to do that, I’ve got a hole in my bathroom ceiling that I’ve yet to fix”.

He also raised his eyebrows and said, no, your dp should shut this down. Helping this woman out is probably leading her on if she’s already interested.

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2019 13:13

notwiththeseknees would like us all to know that her and her DH ski

PinglePongle · 09/03/2019 13:28

I don't think it's that weird to help someone from work out with something outside of work (would it be still weird if he was helping a male colleague fix his car?)

If your DH loves you he won't do anything so why even worry

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 13:53

I don't think it's that weird to help someone from work out with something outside of work (would it be still weird if he was helping a male colleague fix his car?)

If the male colleague kept asking my husband ahead of other people, was regularly messaging him, and most importantly had felt his arse up on a night out, I'd presume he was gay and trying to see if my husband was in the closet/bi/ interested.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 13:59

If your DH loves you he won't do anything so why even worry

If her DH loved her and has proper boundaries, he'll strongly discourage this woman who has touched him intimately, regularly messages him and keeps asking him for help/making him her go-to man for help etc. by (at the very least) politely but firmly directing her elsewhere (as many times as necessary) to get her DIY, transport, mechanical and communication/attention needs met.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 14:05

She shouldn't be asking him; he's not her family member of partner (he's someone else's), not this many things, not alongside the regular messaging, and especially not when she's shown willingness to physically act on her attraction towards him (presumably while drinking) on a work night out. (I'm presuming it was while he was in a relationship with op and she knew).

I don't know about you but I don't touch mend arses whom I'm not attracted to, and if I did id expect them to assume I'm sexually/romantically interested in them. If I happened to do it in some drunken, idiotic stupour (not likely) I'd stat well away from him, not follow it up with regular messages, requests for help which involved coming into my home etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 14:06

Mens' arses

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 14:17

Apparently she then said to him that it’s great to have a friend with benefits (meaning his furniture assembly skills).

Also that's flirtation/suggestive - in the context of everything else.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 14:18

She turned up at his parent’s house a year ago and said she had a problem with her car. It has snowballed frommthen really.

His does she even know his parents' address incidentally.

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