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Original poster

What to do when another woman is making a play for your DP?

193 replies

ANN00 · 07/03/2019 20:43

My DP has acquired a female fan. She has always been overly friendly with him but appears to be ramping things up.

She has asked him to help her assemble a bed and he has agreed to help her. Apparently she then said to him that it’s great to have a friend with benefits (meaning his furniture assembly skills).

I’ve just told him to be careful and have an excuse ready in case she makes a move. He doesn’t seem bothered but I’ve been thinking about this tonight and I’m not sure how comfortable I am with him helping her out.

Tell me I’m being silly and should just get a handle on my jealousy.

OP posts:

Crustaceans · 08/03/2019 09:39

I don’t think we need to see this woman as a potential ‘bunny boiler’ and a threat to the DO if things don’t go her way.

The problem is the DP who is almost certainly doing one or more of the following:

Enjoying the attention - and thereby being a shit to both his partner and this woman.
Manipulating the situation to make the OP feel insecure.
Having (or setting up) an affair.

All the ‘white knight’ and ‘too helpful’ stuff is distraction. I bet he’d be much less keen to rescue and help 18 stone Dave who looks like a potato.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 08/03/2019 19:58

Interesting situation. I agree with those who’ve said if it’s making you uncomfortable explain how you instinctively feel to your partner- if he’s supportive he’ll either suggest you come too or make his excuses not to go.

DuchessOfPhysics · 08/03/2019 20:03

I'm single and I assembled a double bed on my own. A friend did offer her husband up to help me but I thought that was a bit weird, or, that it could have been perceived to be weird!? anyway, it seemed obvious to me that it was overstepping some line of etiquette or propriety somehow! That might be old fashioned but still.

I think it's a favour I'd only ask of somebody I felt really close to, so I don't blame you for wondering what she's thinking OP

Littleraindrop15 · 08/03/2019 20:12

Think your husband needs to nip this in the bud from what you have said.. Showing up at his parents, touching his bum is way too far. How would he feel if a guy did this to you and you wanted to assemble his bed too. Sorry op there is trust and then there is getting a little flirt he is stringing along.
It's gone far enough..

Gwenhwyfar · 08/03/2019 23:27

"I'm single and I assembled a double bed on my own. A friend did offer her husband up to help me but I thought that was a bit weird, or, that it could have been perceived to be weird!? anyway, it seemed obvious to me that it was overstepping some line of etiquette or propriety somehow! That might be old fashioned but still. "

Why? Assembling the bed doesn't lead to lying on the bed, does it? (Well, not normally anyway!).

Gwenhwyfar · 08/03/2019 23:30

"I agree that the expectation after putting together a new bed would be that you’d test it out."

What???
How the hell is a single person supposed to put a bed up then?

JaneKay · 09/03/2019 01:22

Air your concerns, but you just have to trust them at the end of the day.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 09/03/2019 07:32

All the ‘white knight’ and ‘too helpful’ stuff is distraction. I bet he’d be much less keen to rescue and help 18 stone Dave who looks like a potato.

Exactly this. If he's not putting himself out by helping everyone then he needs to stop this relationship with her now.

hopefulhalf · 09/03/2019 07:35

Rise above and ignore.

Palaver1 · 09/03/2019 07:39

It has too stop.
If you did the same would it be acceptable.
It’s not about jealousy or her not being comfortable in her relationship
When there is a feeling of 3 creeping in take heed,
Go to the divorce and separation board..it’s not a joke.
If in doubt shout it out

hopefulhalf · 09/03/2019 07:42

Dont turn it in to forrbiden fruit.
Dont behave like a bunny boiler
Stay calm
Allow him to make a tit of himself

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 08:04

She apparently felt his,bum on a night out. She messages him regularly and is always asking him to do things for her. She turned up at his parent’s house a year ago and said she had a problem with her car. It has snowballed frommthen really

Then the request fora lift with the bed and to assemble the bed is part of a pattern - and he should have politely firmly declined. Or kept declining til she got the message.

I've been single, and in relationships for that matter, and have managed to a.pay the people I'm getting furniture from to deliver it or pay 'man with a can't or similar to deliver it.

Likewise if there is really absolutely not one person in your family or acquaintance who can help you assemble a piece of furniture, you can pay a handyman/woman to do it.

Totally aside from the fact that her motives appear dubious, she is imposing on a colleague to annum appropriate level.

Your husband needs to shut this down. You and he know (and anyone else that's told the facts) that it's part of a pattern of inappropriate behaviour.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 08:05

*man with a van

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 08:05

*an inappropriate level

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 08:13

The only other route I can think of is that he takes along another colleague or friend when delivering and makes it a less personal 'colleagues helping out another colleague' thing, but even that is probably still encouragement for her to continue this.

If he's already delivered the bed, he should say he's unavailable to assemble it and keep saying that, and give her the number of a handyman who you or your family/friends think is good.

At this point she needs to be discouraged - and a firm line taken. If your partner can't see that, then yes perhaps it's a problem with him as well.

The bum feeling alone would be enough for me to say "discourage this, make it politely but firmly clear that you're not available to do things for her and you're not her ',friend's or I'll be rethinking this relationship".

That's not being controlling, that's having boundaries.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 08:19

How would he feel if a guy did this to you and you wanted to assemble his bed too

Another very good point; turn it around on him. I have a feeling he wouldn't be ok with it. You spending time one on one outside work in the home of a man who groped you on a work night out? I don't fkg think so.

He should have been discouraging her messaging him as well.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/03/2019 08:23

I'd definitely go with him just in case she plays the damsel in distress and he ends up assembling the bed with her.

A lot of people here are saying your DP is enjoying the attention but to me he just sounds like a nice bloke. She, on the other hand, is definitely making a play for him. Go along today and give her 'the evils' and as subtly as you can let her know you know what she's up to. This needs nipping in the bud now! Trust me, I've seen women (and men) like her in action.

hopefulhalf · 09/03/2019 08:25

If he doesn't realise it's innappropriate it's not up to the OP to point it out.
Getting heavy rarely works. She sounds like a needy and manipulative person. Be the bigger person OP.
To all those saying effectively read him the riot act, then you end up with DP who is behaving the way you want him too because he has been told to.
Better he comes to his senses for himself

hopefulhalf · 09/03/2019 08:38

OW sounds needy and manipulate not OP to be clear

FabulouslyFab · 09/03/2019 08:53

Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I'd definitely go with him just in case she plays the damsel in distress and he ends up assembling the bed with her.

Exactly this!

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2019 09:25

" if there is really absolutely not one person in your family or acquaintance who can help you assemble a piece of furniture, you can pay a handyman/woman to do it."

But there is someone among her acquaintances who can do it.

grinningcheshirecat · 09/03/2019 09:37

I didn't do a thing, figured that DP should take responsibility for himself and discourage her if she tried anything. They now live together in the house that I had bought and have two children.

I'm actually much happier now and married to a lovely DH and we just bought a beautiful house.

littlebillie · 09/03/2019 09:43

I know someone like her, she is a cf. I would go along but go with a timetable of delivery and assembly and get on your way to do something nice.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 09:56

A lot of people here are saying your DP is enjoying the attention but to me he just sounds like a nice bloke

If someone feels up your arse on a work night out, the idea that you probably shouldn't get involved in messaging them, doing favours for them, going to their house etc is not a very difficult one.

That's not being nice - that's being foolish and inconsiderate to your partner at best, encouraging the other person at worst.

If op had had a male colleague feel up her arse on a night out, would she be being called "nice" on here for messaging the guy back and forward, doing him favours, and going round to his house tondo those favours ... She'd be told to wise up, fast.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 09:58

But there is someone among her acquaintances who can do it.

By acquaintances, I meant neutral acquaintances; not an attached man whose bum you felt up on a work night out.

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