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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when another woman is making a play for your DP?

193 replies

ANN00 · 07/03/2019 20:43

My DP has acquired a female fan. She has always been overly friendly with him but appears to be ramping things up.

She has asked him to help her assemble a bed and he has agreed to help her. Apparently she then said to him that it’s great to have a friend with benefits (meaning his furniture assembly skills).

I’ve just told him to be careful and have an excuse ready in case she makes a move. He doesn’t seem bothered but I’ve been thinking about this tonight and I’m not sure how comfortable I am with him helping her out.

Tell me I’m being silly and should just get a handle on my jealousy. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ANN00 · 07/03/2019 21:14

He doesn’t want to let her down. I’m going to have to have a word with him about this, as I cannot see this ending well.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/03/2019 21:15

My dh wouldn’t have agreed to do this in the first place.

Yes, I agree with pp, go with him, and so what if it looks odd

You also need to have a serious chat with you dh re his ‘white knight’ syndrome

Blastandtroph · 07/03/2019 21:15

Do you trust him OP?

SandyY2K · 07/03/2019 21:15

I certainly wouldn't go along to help. I just about help DH to assemble things at home.
Why would I do it for his colleague.

If you trust your husband, there's no issue, although I'd wonder what made her comfortable enough to ask such a favour, even if he has a van.

This isn't something I'd ever ask a colleague to do for me.

If I needed help and had no family members to ask, I'd find a handyman and pay.

I certainly wouldn't ask a married man for help...and I wouldn't want to ask a single man either , in case he got the wrong message and thought I fancied him.

LizzieSiddal · 07/03/2019 21:15

He’s telling you he doesn’t care how this makes you feel.
That’s not a very nice thing to do to your wife.

Luaa · 07/03/2019 21:17

She's probably just asked him because she knows he's got the van, as you say. If she makes a move, then he can politely turn her down. That will probably make both of them uncomfortable and stop them having so much to do with each other in future.

Or she won't make a move because she is just friends with him, as I am with a couple of my colleagues (male and female) and there is nothing more to it.

Original poster
ANN00 · 07/03/2019 21:18

I do trust him it’s just this situation is not making me feel good. It’s not something I’m used to.

OP posts:
JRMisOdious · 07/03/2019 21:18

I will tell you you’re being a bit silly if you like. Do you trust him? If you do, it doesn’t matter how much she throws herself at him. But I think he should decline and suggest she finds someone else to help, for his own sake. If she’s seriously decided she’s interested, he doesn’t need that kind of hassle at work.

MadMum101 · 07/03/2019 21:20

I would definitely be going with him to keep the tea flowing. If you have DC, take them as well. They can help too! If your DH doesn't understand why this could be construed as a bit suspicious, with her previous behaviour, then the problem is him. He shouldn't be agreeing to things like this which quite rightly make you feel uncomfortable. You should come first, not his work colleague.

Trust your instinct.

Bluntness100 · 07/03/2019 21:20

Gosh, I've helped Male colleagues out inc building furniture for a single one, I'd be horrified if my husband thought it meant I wanted to shag him. Although to be fair I've never felt his arse.

Do you trust him really is the critical question.

borntobequiet · 07/03/2019 21:20

Well I once saw someone pull another woman’s wig off and hit her on the head with her own handbag, but it was a long time ago at a rather rowdy wedding, so might not be suitable in your case.

cookingonwine · 07/03/2019 21:22

No man who is love can be stolen ... if he loves you then have no fear x

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 21:23

Ugh tell her to build her own sodding bed.

MMmomDD · 07/03/2019 21:23

OP - you don’t need to ge guarding and strategising.
You can’t keep anyone around unless they want to be with you.

user1457017537 · 07/03/2019 21:25

Well I wonder if she really needs a bed putting up or if it is an excuse for them to meet up and spend an afternoon together at the weekend. Sorry Flowers

frazzledasarock · 07/03/2019 21:34

He felt his bum on a night out?

My DP would have reported that to HR and given her a very wide berth from there on in.

He would not be assembling beds for her especially given the above and subsequent innuendos.

I’d be seriously re-thinking my relationship if my DP was leading on a woman like that.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2019 21:35

She apparently felt his,bum on a night out. She messages him regularly and is always asking him to do things for her. She turned up at his parent’s house a year ago and said she had a problem with her car

Your OH has allowed this to continue. Seriously...feeling his bum...constant messages and turning up at his parents house.

How did she know where they live.

He's encouraging her by not shutting her antics down.

He has made her feel familiar enough to do what she's doing.

He's your problem. Not her

Petalflowers · 07/03/2019 21:38

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a female colleague asking my dh to make a bed for her. Yes, possibly it’s because he has a van, most companies deliver now. Why does she need a van?

He may be blissfully unaware that she is making a play for him, but it’s obvious she is. What happens when the bed is made, do they need to road test it...?

If dh can’t get out of it, I would offer to go along with him (and make sure I go). Her reaction (and his?) will tell you everything.

TheNavigator · 07/03/2019 21:38

If my DH wants to do tiresome DIY, there is plenty in our own house that needs done - would he fuck go and do it for someone else. Why would he do that? It seems so odd to me. I like my colleagues, but we aren't doing odd jobs in each others houses. Get him to tell her he is too busy to help. Job done.

Petalflowers · 07/03/2019 21:39

And how many work colleagues turn up at another colleague’s parents house due to car problems. Hasn’t she heard of the AA?! (Or RAC etc)

ThatLibraryMiss · 07/03/2019 21:41

Go with him, and explain that you're just calling in to sort out the bed on your way to something else. "Shouldn't take long with three of us!" in cheery tones.

Weathermonger · 07/03/2019 21:42

From your husbands point of view - if she makes a pass at him and he turns her down, what if she turns it around on him ? A woman scorned making false accusations could get very nasty. It happened to my husband when a colleague propositioned him behind closed doors. He was absolutely mortified and the first thing I told him was that if he wasn't comfortable reporting her (she was pretty graphic and he was so embarrassed) then at least confide in someone he trusted to make sure he was never alone with her again.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 07/03/2019 22:01

If a woman was making a play for my boyfriend I would offer to hold her coat while she gave it her best shot. And tease him mercilessly about his admirer.

However. I would also feel able to say to him if I was genuinely feeling uneasy and I trust him to take that seriously.

Ourmaud · 07/03/2019 22:02

Get shut of her- My dh had one of those “friends” and it turned into an emotional affair where she managed to almost turn him against me, so so cleverly as well with innocent sounding comments and requests for advice or help.

It was only that she got caught out telling her colleague (who sent me screenshots) about how he was chasing her and I broached it to them both while they were together that his eyes opened and it didn’t actually become a full blown affair. It was headed that way though.

It’s still occasionally an issue between us because once it’s gone the trust is hard to rebuild and we’ve had to work so hard at staying together.

I’d sit down with your dh and explain this woman isn’t someone you’re comfortable with and in future you would like him to not be at her beck and call as it’s inappropriate.

Ourmaud · 07/03/2019 22:04

Also for some great tips read the story about the op who woke up and was Facebook dead- it’s in classics. Her situation was very similar in that her husband acquired a fan 😂😂