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Original poster

‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

267 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:05

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 07/03/2019 08:43

What does swearing on your children's lives even mean? Not like it has any power.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 07/03/2019 09:17

Yes strangely enough I’ve just yelled exactly that to him down the phone before I read this!

OP posts:
Dancingtothemusicoftime · 07/03/2019 09:20

OP, I can only repeat what others have said - he is highly unlikely to have used the phone text or call system to conduct this affair - he will have done it via WhatsApp, both messages and calls, which does not show up on phone bills.

AliceLiddel · 07/03/2019 09:31

OP, does he have an iphone? if so then if you can get it you could look at his "frequent locations" part.

Tap on "Privacy." ...
Tap on "Location Services." ...
Scroll to the very bottom and tap on "System Services." ...
Click on Frequent Locations

if he has it activated (i think most people do without realising) is will show where hes been going and when. Ask where he slept with her, find the location on the list and it will show you how many times hes been there. Also will give you restaurants/places hes been.

I found mine on my phone and was shocked how boring my life actually is and how much time I spend wandering around Sainsburys Blush

AliceLiddel · 07/03/2019 09:32

Obviously dont tell him this until the phone is in your hand or he will delete things!

2019willbegreat · 07/03/2019 09:47

OP when you get to this level of "investigating" him, what really is the point? And I speak as someone whose stbxh had an emotional affair the left me so they could make it physical. He then wanted to come back and we tried again....but the trust was gone, I kept thinking about them together, I was paranoid about who he was messaging... It was torture. You know enough to act on. It will destroy you if you keep trying to get to know everything as you never will.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 07/03/2019 10:05

Well he obviously doesn’t know the drill or never thought he would get caught as I now have his last two months phone bills with hundreds of text messages to her and a couple of phone calls!

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 07/03/2019 10:07

I can’t get old bills but he said he will get them for me (when I was accessing his O2 account at 3am and changing the password he was getting texts from them so he rang to find out what I was up to!). He’s going to have to come clean about the start date if that is a lie as I will see it on the phone bills.

OP posts:
Halo84 · 07/03/2019 11:19

If you plan to divorce him, OP, what is the use of digging for this information? You now know he lied. What will knowing when it started change things? I can understand if you were planning on getting back together with him. If not, I suggest you assume the worst, forgive him as a person for the sake of your children, have a civil relationship with clear boundaries, and move on.

If you may take him back then I think you need to do everything you require to move forward, I mean if you need all those facts then go for it.

ahtellthee · 07/03/2019 11:39

My friends husband just fed her a little bit of information at a time, to keep her suspicions low and her willing to try to make the marriage work. After a year she found another message and contacted the OW, who told her the full story. Only then did her STBXH eventually admit (affair going on for 5 years, plans to leave their partners but chickened out, even little trips away together!!!)

It all fell to pieces pretty quickly after that but she felt better for knowing. Just make sure you block the OW afterwards so she can't contact you again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2019 12:05

How up to date can you get on the bills, and are you able to see if he's been in touch with OW since he left?

The trouble with finding further detail is that they just lie, twist and boo-hoo all the more, and then blame deflection starts creeping in. At the end of the day, it's not so much about the precise extent of what's been done as whether someone can live with the fact they've done it at all - and each of us can only answer that for ourselves

Mitzimaybe · 07/03/2019 12:08

I agree with the pp saying you don't need the evidence of when it started. You already know that he has lied, lied and lied again. Or are you saying if he's only told five lies you can forgive him but if it's six you can't?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/03/2019 12:10

The problem is OP, he only ever comes clean when you give him irrefutable proof of something... the start date, if it was physical etc. He’s actually only admitting to what you can prove. And trust me, I’ve got the T-shirt, you’ll drive yourself mad trying to uncover everything because he’s still not being transparent

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2019 12:12

Good lord I do despise people that come out with the old 'I will FIGHT FOR US!' like some grand gesture. It's one of the twattiest cringe-worthy lines going. Don't even know what it's supposed to mean - a lot of crying and shouting and refusing to accept that they've been busted, I guess?

Um, fuckface, the idea is that you 'fight' for your marriage and your family by having the strength of character to be an honest, faithful person, through good times and bad, every single day. That's 'fighting'. Not being a sleazy shaggy slimeball, treating your family like they matter not a jot and then puffing up your chest and making ridiculous statements about 'fighting'. You didn't fight, you weaselled out the first time you texted. The 'fight' is already a done deal, love.

Text him that!

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 07/03/2019 13:25

OP I'm so sorry to read this. I am going through the same and just wanted to say i admire how quickly you are processing this and your determination. I have been struggling since December and still don't know what i want from this anymore. He seems like an idiot continuing to lie until he gets found out further from irrefutable proof.

Imperfectsusan · 08/03/2019 19:53

"The trouble with finding further detail is that they just lie, twist and boo-hoo all the more, and then blame deflection starts creeping in"

This seems to be the fact of the matter.

MsDogLady · 08/03/2019 20:10

Lady, how are you doing?

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 09/03/2019 02:38

I’m ok thanks. Been out with friends tonight, it was pre-arranged. He has looked after the kids and is sleeping downstairs, he will go back to the hotel tomorrow and then is going to his mum’s on Monday. He is very upset and is crying lots, I’ve never seen him like this before. I can’t cry and feel quite calm I don’t know why. I’m not even feeling angry with him, just disgusted.

He did the school pick ups today and was here when I got home from work. It was all a bit weird as things seemed normal (apart from I can’t bring myself to look at him!) but it’s obviously not. He thanked me for letting him be with the kids. It didn’t cross my mind not to allow him to be, he’s been an utter twat but I don’t want to use them as a weapon.

So that’s where we are at. I’m not 100% sure I want to file for divorce but I can’t take him back. What a mess!

OP posts:
Graphista · 09/03/2019 03:06

Be aware there's a time limit on divorcing on grounds of adultery

Daisypie · 09/03/2019 04:14

OP I have no advice other than to take your time as you have done to take back control. And remember that if you hadn't discovered it his 'terrible mistake' would still be merrily rolling along. All strength to you.

Raspberrytruffle · 09/03/2019 06:19

He's only crying because he's been caught, good for you op staying strong .

AWishForWingsThatWork · 09/03/2019 09:20

He's crying because he's been caught ... and because it's even worse than what he's admitted to and now knows more will come out. He's realised you're serious when you started looking at phone bills and found the 100s of text messages, so it shows he has continued to be less than fully honest. And his mother know,s, too, what a lying twat he has been and continues to be, hurting you and the children.

He's still crying for himself.

HOpefully at some point he'll be crying for how he's made you and the children feel, blowing up your lives like this.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/03/2019 09:28

Just take it at your own speed op. Do what YOU want to. He’s had his cake, it’s now time you put yourself and the dc first.

However, even if you decide to do nothing at this point, I’d go and see a solicitor and start to get your ducks in a row. If you decide divorce is they way, once he realises this he’ll stop being your friend

LizzieSiddal · 09/03/2019 09:38

I agree with others. Take you time, whatever you decide you don’t want to look back and feel you’ve rushed this huge descion.

The main thing is to not have him living with you, so you have the headspace to think clearly.

watchoutnow · 09/03/2019 10:59

He's crying because his cushy life is coming to an end and he feels sorry for HIMSELF!