‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

msdoglady he obviously says he has cut contact but I have no way of knowing that for sure which is torturous. The only thing I’m thinking is that because he is such a mess now surely he can’t be managing to still be at it with her. I never thought he would cheat though so what do I know!

The bag is at work and he is going to bring it home tomorrow and then send it back. I flipped when I found it was at work as I keep presents for him hidden at home so thought it was a sure sign it was for her but he says he always keeps my presents at work and wraps them there. I don’t know if that’s true or not, apart from a bike for Christmas but that’s different. So he still claims it was a guilt present for me, again I have no way of knowing for sure, other than he would have to be beyond stupid to use the joint account for a present for her.

I wondered about the purse because he would have bought her a gift, and when he was supposedly coming clean, he initially said the $200 was for his clothes. Is he up on purses?

Do you have full transparency to check phone, phone bill, etc? If they texted and called, his phone bills would tell the truth regarding when it started.

How does he explain the declaration of love?

I’m really sorry that you are in this nightmare. I just couldn’t get past it. For him be so receptive to a flirty ego-boost and be capable of causing so much hurt and devastation is abhorrent.

slef destruction doesn't equal affair.not being ckose to wife because life happens does not equal affair.
I cant believe it.im so sorry,im showing such little empathy and I don't know whether that make me a witch but I cant believe you sound like you might take him back.
this man wasn't stopping he was caught with his willy between his legs.or hers...sorry
but this man has caused so much hurt.you deserve more.im angry for you and don't want you to take back this hurt.
not my monkey I know.i guess it hurts too close to home and seen the wanker do it again and again grinding her the innocent into a self hating whole!

Msdoglady I guess if it was a bag for me his answer would be the same (clothes) as he was trying to keep it a surprise. He told me that it was clothes when I saw it on the bank statement and asked him what the spend was, which was before I knew about the affair.

Do you really want to give it up because a girl like me has come in and created with him a major mess and destroy a great family

Let's not try to steer the blame away from OPs husband. He's not the victim. He isn't a poor little man who's fallen into the trap of another woman. He's knowingly and willingly broken his vows and lied repeatedly to the wife he supposedly loves. That is on no one but him, not even the OW. He is an adult person with a brain capable of making his own decisions.

Grumpiness, frequent drinking, telling himself he was lost = creating emotional distance to give himself permission to cheat.

It is likely that he weakened the connection between you to justify his infidelity.

Isn't this how the script goes? That men will often cite a rough relationship at home as the reason for the affair? When in fact its because they are creating the distance necessary to justify the affair in their minds.

How often do we see women on here wondering what is wrong with their relationship because they can't see why the relationship is bad at the time?

So they were physical 3 times, then "a handful of times" then 6 times in what, 6 or 7 months? Or should that be 10 months. Or 12 months? Hmm, it's all minimising bollocks.

I've had that from my cheating ex. The numbers go up every time a bit more evidence emerges. I even got "Oh it wouldn't have happened at all if you'd come with me to do X that day because she'd have met you and she wouldn't have done it to you" Oh right, so it's my fault now is it.

You'll never get the truth until you're going through your divorce and then it will get hurled at you because the gloves will be off and he'll become angry. I got every nitty gritty shitty detail then because he knew it would wound.

Just don't believe a thing he says OP. He's been lying for months. He's not a good dad because he's done something that is going to break up the family and your DCs will live with the effects of that for the rest of his life. He will lie and squirm and tall you everything he thinks you want to hear. Don't get sucked in, all he wants is to restore the status quo so he can have an easy life. And another OW most likely.

Do you know who OW is? Would be interesting to he her side of things.

As for Legalgirl or whatever your name is, just fuck off and leave innocent people alone. We don't want your POV thanks. And yes I'm angry.

So sorry OP you don't deserve this. You made a contract with your DH and you kept your side of it. He didn't.

aspsialunata he said a handful of times right from when he came clean (after the initial denials) it was just that he then told me the exact scenarios of how he had covered his tracks 3 times i.e. said he was on a course etc.

Yes I found OW on twitter but I don’t know her. I know where she works though. Not sure whether to contact her.

Don’t contact her. You will learn nothing of value, unless she didn’t know he was married.

If she has a lot of Twitter followers, I’d be tempted to post on her account, identifying myself, but I’m confrontational in some respects.

When my ex cheated on me he refused to admit what he had done, he kept telling my he was lonely and so made some new friends on tinder?! It was driving me mad not knowing the truth so I took his phone and called the 4 girls and got the truth. It really helped as I needed to hear what happened so I could get angry accordingly...a suspicion wasn't enough for me. He would never have admitted the truth as it would mean admitting he is a shitty person.

So if I were you I would contact the OW..

Lady on the subject of full disclosure, has he given you complete access at any time you choose to his phone, computer and whatever else you feel he might have used to facilitate this affair?

baywatchfanatic she knew he was married. One of the texts was him saying he would take her out on Thursday and her asking him if that was not a bit risky!!!

I don’t know whether she would tell me anything I don’t know already.

puzzledandpissedoff he is in a hotel so I don’t have access to his phone. He said I could see it but he can always delete so I’m not sure that would do much good. I don’t want a relationship where I have to check up on someone anyway which is one of the many reasons for making this a permanent split.

Terrible how similar all these scenarios are .Everything that puzzledandpissedoffandzofloramummy says ring so true.
You already know as much as you need to .And so agree with not wanting a relation ship where you are needing to check up on him as he can't be trusted to tell the truth.

Funny how Legallady is also compartmentalizing to justify her affair.

@LadyDowagerHatt

All I'm saying is don't believe he's actually come clean just because he says he has. I discovered that my entire 20 year marriage had been nothing but lies. All of it. I'm not saying that's the case in every sad scenario like this but it could very well be just the tip of the iceberg. Just don't be taken in, and prepare yourself for possibly more.

I don’t want a relationship where I have to check up on someone anyway

Again you're very wise; as I know to my cost, just feeling that you need to be checking can quickly eat you alive, as can the thought that "there might not be anything there this time but what about the next?"

Traumatic as this is you sound a lot clearer-minded than I was - I hope, in the end, it will bring you the peace of mind you deserve

I don't see the point in finding out more or having access to his phone (as pp have asked), when what you know is already a dealbreaker.

He may have felt guilty at times like he said and pulled back. I hear OW complain a lot about that in regards to the MM they are with and they worry he's losing interest, but when the guilt fades he always comes back for more.

It's known as the push/pull or blowing hot and cold.

As long as the OW is happy in that position, the affair tends to keep on going.

As Sandy says, you don’t need more information if indeed this is your dealbreaker. (It would be for me.)

However, if you think you might end up reuniting, I would investigate further during this “probation period.” I would ask to see his phone when you next see him. Phone bills can’t be deleted, so I would certainly check those for recent activity with OW, and I’d go back through last year to check when all of this began, to determine if his story matches. If there are still any lies, shine a light to root them out. You need to know exactly what you are forgiving, if you go that route.

How much is the hotel costing a week? If he stays there a month it could be 2k at least...

AspasiaLunata (what does that mean?) I had similar experience. Was YEARS until I got the whole truth and that was only cos he was drunk and trying it on with me! Found out it had been going on months longer than I originally thought AND there was a 3rd woman involved at one point and he was lining up a 4th!

I felt BOTH such a fucking mug AND as if I finally had been proven right (despite clear evidence that you guys here would have been all over "oh come on! It's obvious!" He was initially very successful at gaslighting me into thinking it was "just chat" "just flirting" plus pre smart phone days so I couldn't screenshot stuff so once a text or email was deleted he'd deny it ever existed it's shocking how easily they can make you doubt yourself, but of course you want to believe it too, cos nobody wants to believe they've been betrayed like this)

Also each "piece" of evidence is usually alone not a definite proof - eg working late etc - but when you add everything up the big picture is heartbreaking.

There is nothing stopping him from buying a cheap pre-paid mobile and leaving it in his hotel room when he visits lady and/or children.

Looking at his existing phone I suspect will prove fruitless.

@MsDogLady.....99.99% of affair type communication is through WhatsApp, messenger, kik etc and doesn't show on bills....so there's no point checking phone bills.

I'm so sorry to hear this but you are doing all the right things. It will be a tough ride and be prepared for waves of anger. Surround yourself with positive people who will boost your confidence on low days. You will get him out of the house with persistence. He has treated you abysmally. Good luck x

Lady discovered this affair by seeing their texts on his phone. He has told her that this affair began late last summer, but if his bills show that call/texts go back earlier, she will know he is lying.

He certainly might have a second phone now. However, if he is a total mess and still drinking, and he made a quick call/text to OW from his regular phone, he may have forgotten to delete. Not likely, but stranger things have happened.

auntsarent it is £40 per night so it has cost £160 until Friday. I’ve said he needs to look for a cheap rental after that like a bedsit.

msdoglady I do feel like I want to see if his story can be validated so I’m trying to get his phone bills - unfortunately the website is down at the moment. I have access to his e-mail account to change the password so I should be able to see his phone bills without asking him.

Imagine swearing on your children's lives... And it was all a lie