‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

Is he just moping around feeling sorry for himself that he got caught out? Or is he acknowledging the hurt and pain he's putting you through?

Most of the time, reconciliation only works if the cheater (male or female) is willing to admit everything and cut all contact with the other person. And do whatever it takes to repair the marriage.

I suspect the remaining reconciliations are anything but. That the cheated on spouse is just burying their head in the sand leaving things wide open for another affair/same affair continuing.

I left my ex, not for cheating but for abuse. But I couldn't ever have him back even though he's still chasing me after more than 2 years. Because I could never trust him again. I think I'd feel the same about an affair. It's the trust that's the issue for me.

Op, I took my husband back. It's been 8 years Since finally getting proof (2 years of lies before then). I STILL have nightmares about it. I STILL have a scar over my feelings for him. He changed everything between us, forever, and though I think I must love him it is not, and never will be, the love I ever felt for him before. Plus, am always,aways wary. It's not a pleasant way to live sometimes . I made a go of it hour by hour at first, but only because he never once said on the texts I found (god know what I might have missed due to him deleting stuff) anything to do with anything he felt for them. If there had been any discussions of I love yous etc... I doubt I personally could've stayed. If I could go back....I probably would've stayed again. I had nowhere to go at the time. No friends houses, no family. And now we have children, and I live for them, not for him. They are my joy, not him. We are a good team, and work well together, but nothing is the same as it was. Just be very wary of anything he tells you right now. He says he slept with her just three times - usually, this is never the whole of the truth. He says he's wrecked everything - he's only sayingthat because he's been caught. He lovedthe attention and the ego boost, that why a lot of them do it, not because "They had no idea why".

To those asking the op if she wants to "save the marriage" you're asking the wrong person!

She never wanted it wrecked in the first place. The only person who can affect that and who can make it at all possible is her husband, and his words and actions are not indicating that he truly does.

I too know of very few marriages which have survived affairs - the difference? The cheat immediately was remorseful, honest, took full responsibility and was willing to do whatever it took to repair the damage THEY had caused. NONE of which op's husband is doing.

Op's choice of course, but I'd advise caution and protecting herself financially/legally.

Of course he's being remorseful. I bet the first thing he did was message OW and she told him he was on his own. So he's either got to fix it with you or be on his own in a flat. If she'd welcomed him with open arms he'd have been off like a shot.

Don't believe a single word he says. Of course he'll try to get back with you (nowhere else to go) and of course he'll do it again (because you let him get away with it)

DON'T take this man back OP. Not unless he goes and lives on his own for a year, or longer, to prove that he wants nobody but you. I wouldn't accept anything else.

And yes, I'm speaking from experience. Yes I have DCs. YI forgave him the first time, he moved back in, and did it again. DCs went through the break up TWICE. It was utterly unforgivable. As soon as I discovered the second affair I was down the solicitor like a shot. Got rid of him in under 6 months. Best thing I EVER did I can tell you

He is an absolute mess, seems completely broken

Because he has been found out. That's it. No other reason.

YOU. FOUND. OUT.

If you hadn't ... he'd be carrying on quite happily shagging his mistress.

*KTB20000’ he has been kicked out indefinitely.

If there is any chance of us salvaging anything it will be a long time down the line after counselling, I’m certainly not deciding that will happen now. I’m not trying to convince myself, just weighing up my options.

chocmallows yes without the affair things were good which I guess is where I was coming from with what I said above that he is a good dad etc and thinking about whether anything can be salvaged. It is a massive shock to me and everyone I’ve told as all seemed good.

He is broken because you found out! If you hadn't it would still be going on!

Can you move money to your folks account or to a friend just to get it out?

Do not take him back!

OP something should hopefully be salvaged - communication for coparenting either together or separately.

My marriage before my Ex's affair was awful and the relationship collapsed straight after I found out. Painful, but no guessing games on how things would go. I tried to communicate for the DCs, but he is not willing to talk without negativity. This affects them and is not fair.

For the moment try to communicate in a calm way if you can. It is up to you and him how this goes, but at least you feel he is a good dad and facilitating this will help your DCs.

Ultimately he may be a good dad, but a lousy husband?

To be honest though he doesn't sound that good if he's being miserable and drinking every night, even setting the affair to one side.

Fontella I agree, he would have been preparing for his night at hers on Thursday if I hadn’t found out. I said to him we probably would have been having a different conversation maybe a year from now if I hadn’t discovered it i.e. him leaving me for her. He denies it, obviously he would.

*oliviabenson’ fair point. Hard to explain really - outside of the affair he was attentive, kind and considerate and was really hands on with the kids and house. He worked long hours in a demanding job and I put the drinking down to that - it was the frequency which worried me, he hardly ever had a night off and everytime he said he would stay off it for a week he would come home with a bottle of wine by Tuesday. He wasn’t steaming drunk all the time though. He was often relaxed and happy and good fun but he had lost his spark and could be tired and grumpy - again I put it down to a demanding job and 2 kids, 1 with SEN. Not excusing his behaviour in anyway but I probably left him, his job and his drinking to it a bit and did my own thing - sporting activities through the week and out with friends a lot at weekends. So we had probably lost that emotional connection, didn’t do enough together, and in that respect things could have been better. In all honesty I was happy though and thought things were good - they had definitely been better but certainly not a bad marriage.

By not steaming drunk all the time I mean he was never steaming drunk, he drank too frequently as a stress release but not to the point of being drunk.

Or drinking from the guilt

Lady - at the end of the day only you can decide whether to live in this marriage or not.
Some people, and I have seen it can get over it.
It is only you to decide if you can build some sort of trust again. I know everyone is saying 'dump, dump dump' but every relationship is different.
I wish you good luck in whatever path you decide to take and i think you have been very brave and courageous so far.
❤️

If there is any chance of us salvaging anything it will be a long time down the line after counselling, I’m certainly not deciding that will happen now. I’m not trying to convince myself, just weighing up my options

Once again you're very wise, Lady. Clearly you've realised there's every chance he'd do as his father did if he was given reason to think he'd got away with it - confirmed by the fact that he might be "broken" now, but certainly wasn't broken when he was enjoying his OW

As Graphista said, the full disclosure and responsibility which might even begin to point to a better future just isn't there; also there's a great deal of how HE feels in your posts, and little to suggest he recognises just what this is doing to you. There's even a risk that, in line with the usual scenario of "deny - minimise - blame", he'll start to blame you if you don't come round within a timeframe he considers reasonable

Much of this is for the future though; for now, just make sure that everything you do puts your own needs first, remembering that he's simply not "on your team" any more

It sounds to me like he had managed to split his lives. His homelife and his work/exciting new woman life.

He is devastated because he is now facing up to the reality of losing that homelife. His feelings are about himself. They are not about you and how you feel.

He will have excused his behaviour to himself by blaming you. Next he will probably blame the other woman, he never would have if she hadn’t been so keen etc.

Unless he is able to stand there and say I accept 100% that my actions were my choice, that I have disrespected you and my family. That I want to work on myself to understand how being stuck in a rut became sticking my dick in another woman and discussing love. Until then well I can’t see how you could even consider counselling or a way forward that involves remaining together.

Basically what a selfish shit.

So given that he would have to make some serious effort I would continue down the separation and divorce route.

In the interim be kind to yourself, and tell your friends and family for some rl support.

Hi, I am probably the worst person to be adding a comment to this particular thread. I'm not really in a position to but I will.

I am the other woman for a married man. I have been with for a very long time. 4 years to be precise. I'm also married to a great guy, however he is completely and utterly uninterested in anything other than work. I have kids but im practically raising them myself. This is not excusing my behaviour nor am I trying to insult u in any way. I've constantly told my DH how I felt and lonely I am but he never changed. I felt defeated and did what I'm doing.

My point here albeit probably unwelcome but, my situation is different. You said your husband is a good dad and good to you. Do you really want to give it up because a girl like me has come in and created with him a major mess and destroy a great family.

This is your family don't give it up without a fight.

Please don't judge me I no it's wrong and I live with knowing it everyday.

Legaldoll you are honest here, but I'm not sure I could take advice from an OW when that situation was going on for me. You also highlight that affairs can go on for years, which I think hurts the person cheated on even more.

I am genuinely interested, does the lying damage you along the way?

puzzledandpissedoff maybe I didn’t make it clear up thread but he has given full disclosure now (although I appreciate I will never know what I don’t know iyswim) and he takes full responsibility. He absolutely recognises what this has done to me and the kids, he knows he has ruined all of our lives.

“Zofloramummy” you are right, he had split his life. My friend reminded me tonight that I’ve always said he is very good at compartmentalising things in his head (death of a parent, traumatic incidents at work as he is in emergency services) and she said that is what he has done with this. Not sure how to copy on mumsnet but everything you said around his actions being 100% his responsibility and how he has disrespected his family is exactly what he has been saying yesterday. He has booked an individual counselling session for Friday to work on himself and try to understand what has led him to this behaviour.

Legaldoll32 wow. I’m not going to judge you and thank you for the advice from an interesting perspective. You sound like you are very unhappy with the loveless marriage you are in and with being the other woman. I hope you can find a way to change that and find someone who values you.

It changes you as a person. Sometimes I wish I was the girl i was before i met him. During our 4 years together he's had a baby with his wife which almost destroyed me. But who am I to get upset.
I sometimes feel a lot of guilt towards his wife, she seems to be a great mum and enjoys her involvement in the company.

I also feel very guilty towards my husband. I wait for him to come home for hrs and he just eats drinks tea and goes to bed. To tired to even notice I've just spent hrs on my own waiting. But thats what u get when u marry a workaholic.

I have feelings for him but I don't love him. It's a strange set up tbh. We talk every day about everything and anything. Butbmite not sleep together for months.
I do feel remorse for my husband and his wife, I've ended it several times but we just come bk together.
Living this double life is disgraceful. I'm in no position to offer advice.

If he rang me in the morning and said he wanted to be with me fully I would probably say no chance.

I suppose what I want to say is fight for it don't give up because of this savage mistake. If my husband took an interest in me I'd drop OG like a shot.

His job is stressful and as someone who is not In the service u may not want to hear the gross stuff and that's wer she comes in.
If it's worth it, if you love him u will get over this.

Thank you for not judging me. I hope you find happiness x

Legaldoll32
You say you know what you're doing is wrong, so I'm not going there.
But here's the thing:
Unless you're the betrayed spouse, you cannot know the incredible pain and self-doubt she's feeling.
Please don't tell her how she should behave, that if she loves him she'll take him back.
You have it backwards. If someone loves you, they don't cheat. Period.
It's obvious she loves him. SHE didn't cheat. Even though his betrayal has gutted her, she's still trying to protect him and his feelings.
If she chooses to make the break permanent it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. It means she loves herself and her DC enough to prevent endless cycles of heartbreak.
Please don't judge or try to influence her. She has the right to make her own decision without input from someone who could never understand.
Please don't use that faulty thinking in your own situation. Your cheating partner's wife and your own spouse, if they find out, will not be the ones who don't love enough to avoid destroying their marriages. That will already have been done for them.

Grumpiness, frequent drinking, telling himself he was lost = creating emotional distance to give himself permission to cheat.

It is likely that he weakened the connection between you to justify his infidelity. He was betraying you, and that deception was seeping into your relationship, unbeknownst to you. At any time he could have come to you with any issues. Instead, he chased the risky ego-boost and established intimacy with another woman. While at home with you and the children, he was full of pretense, and was living a double life.

I’m wondering how long this has been going on, from the moment they caught each others’ eye—to the flirting—to the emotional intimacy—to the full-blown physical affair—to the present.

I would have to get to the bottom of the full story. An authentically remorseful partner would provide full disclosure. I don’t think you have that.

They declared love and he surely misses her. Are you sure that he has completely cut contact? He has lied so much. I would think that he might have communication with her on her birthday.

It is troubling that he is still lying about the purse. Have you seen it?

Just saw your update. Yes, I had read that he acknowledged being physical three times, but wondered if he was still minimizing. If he is lying about the purse, he may be lying about other things.

msdoglady it was 3 times I gave examples of how they had met up, it was actually ‘a handful of times’ they were physical which I clarified with him was 6. He said they met at the back end of last summer and it started with flirting then led to something more on a night out. Not that it matters but there have been a few times where he was due to go out with friends or once on a work course but he cancelled at the last minute, despite me telling him to go in the case of seeing friends. He says that was plans with her which he dropped out with at the last minute as he couldn’t go ahead. Not sure how that works if he had already done it once but that’s what he said.